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Original poster

Upset that she called me a golddigger

86 replies

upseta · 16/01/2019 10:57

My best friend of 10 years who I’ve supported through thick and thin has really upset me.

I recently spilt with a guy I’d been seeing for nearly a year. He ended it because he said he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship but that he cared greatly about me. I was disappointed but accepted his decision although if I’m honest, I’m hoping he’ll change his mind.

Naturally I turned to my friend for support and we talked about him and how I could change his mind. We were getting tipsy on wine and she said something that I found really hurtful and offensive.

She said that in all honesty, she thought the only reason I liked him was because he had money and took me out to expensive restaurants and bought me gifts. Take all of that away and I wouldn’t have looked twice at him.

I know we were drunk and everything but AIBU to be really offended that she has basically called me a gold digger? FWIW I had/have genuine feelings for him and was really upset when he ended it because he’s a good guy. Not because he’s rich!

I told my friend that she was totally out of order and that she needed to apologise or she’d never see me again. That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her. What should I do and how do we ever recover from this fallout?

OP posts:
Musti · 16/01/2019 11:00

Sounds like she's judging you by her own standards.

Bombardier25966 · 16/01/2019 11:02

If you'd met him and he was bankrupt would you have pursued the relationship?

Would you want him back if you found out he no longer had money?

If your friend thinks that, there's got to be a reason behind it. Maybe ask her why rather than flying off the handle.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 16/01/2019 11:03

Was she right though?

ErickBroch · 16/01/2019 11:04

She thinks he's ugly basically, that is what she is saying. I would be annoyed, but you gave her an ultimatum and she made her decision. It's done. If you crawl back now you'll be the weak one.

Original poster
upseta · 16/01/2019 11:07

Well I don’t think it’s as simple as whether I would have got with him if he’d been bankrupt when we met.

Honestly, probably no. But I think that’s true of most people if they’re really honest with themselves. It’s only when you get to know someone that you grow to love that person through the ups and downs of life, and through thick and thin.

If we were still together and he lost his wealth, I would stick by him. But that’s very different to the very beginning of a relationship and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to date someone who is financially secure.

OP posts:
FlagFish · 16/01/2019 11:07

I think she probably said it to help you get over him? Like a supportive “well you never really liked him anyway!” kind of thing? In which case I think you overreacted a bit.

You can’t force her to apologise if she doesn’t want to or think she needs to, so either you let the friendship slide (seems a shame if it’s just this one comment causing the problems) or you put aside your pride and apologise yourself. Say you’re sorry you overreacted, you were feeling hurt and a bit drunk at the time.

Improve12 · 16/01/2019 11:09

im more concerned about the way he broke up.
if your friend has always been nice then I thnk she is being protective. she is trying to make it look like all he has is cash. she is convincing you that you are not emotionally invested so its easier to move on.
the jerk left you. no matter your headspace, you don't drop someone you care about. he cant drop his mum cause his head is stuffed. YOU are just not worth it for him. you are concerned about this guy....
yet your friend is there to pick up the broken pieces. you guys are drinking together and she is trying to help you feel better in whatever way she can...…. and you are complaining about her..

Original poster
upseta · 16/01/2019 11:09

Sorry, that reply was to @Bombardier

OP posts:
user14869556378 · 16/01/2019 11:10

I read that as she just didn't think much of him & couldn't see what you saw in him as opposed to attacking you & accusing you of using him ?

LemonTT · 16/01/2019 11:11

I don’t drink but I have friends who do. For the most part people who are drinking talk nonsense and don’t listen to or comprehend what the other person is saying. Conversations for drunk people are rambling strings of words that don’t connect in any way and rarely make sense.

Chances are she was trying to express that apart from money and being flashy he didn’t have much going for him and you could do better. You heard her saying you were only after his money. To me, she is trying to make you see him and the relationship differently which is part of the process to let go of a romance. She just did it badly. Because she was drunk.

She is a friend so presumably you know and like her. If that means anything to you and you value the friendship, reconnection. Otherwise if she is generally judgemental and puts you down when sober, ditch her.

Original poster
upseta · 16/01/2019 11:12

I think she probably said it to help you get over him? Like a supportive “well you never really liked him anyway!” kind of thing? In which case I think you overreacted a bit.

I hadn’t thought about it that way. Thing is though I really did like him so she has got that totally wrong. But I can see that maybe I got her wrong too.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 16/01/2019 11:17

Perhaps when you talked to her about him in the past, it was all about the places you went and the treats you had, more than about him?

Original poster
upseta · 16/01/2019 11:18

Like I said we’ve been really close for years and this is the first proper row we’ve had. I didn’t want to confront it at the time but I sensed that she was jealous of the relationship and was pleased when it ended. Maybe I’ve got that wrong and this whole thing is a misunderstanding but that’s what I felt. And so her comment was doubly hurtful which is why I reacted badly to it.

OP posts:
GahWhatever · 16/01/2019 11:37

Well you were a bit pissed and she made a comment about him not being all that except for his money and you massively overreacted.
She worded it badly (wine) and you freaked out (wine).

Put it down to the drink. Both apologise to each other and get over yourselves. Honestly!

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 16/01/2019 11:40

It wan't very nice of her OP. Funnily enough, I hear the term gold-digger most often used by women, rather than men, which is very sad. Whatever happened to the Sisterhood? Sad

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2019 11:40

I think you overreacted a little to be honest - there is nothing wrong with being swept up in a relationship of restaurants and gifts and the excitement of it all but once that has gone was there anything left to build a relationship on.

You extrapoliated to golddigger which is she said it as above is not true

You then threatened the friendship is she didnt apologise for something she didnt say

swingofthings · 16/01/2019 11:42

She's said it on the basis of how you felt when you first met him as indeed you admit that you wouldn't have gone out with him otherwise (which is fair enough). She hadnt realised that your feelings for him gré during that time. All you needed to do is make this clear to her and then maybe she would have then apologised. If not, that's wrong of her. If she's a good friend, she should have recognised that you are truly upset.

FlagFish · 16/01/2019 11:44

SpongeBob - to be fair, the friend didn’t actually say the word gold digger.

explodingkitten · 16/01/2019 11:45

Honestly, probably no. But I think that’s true of most people if they’re really honest with themselves. It’s only when you get to know someone that you grow to love that person through the ups and downs of life, and through thick and thin.*

I had no idea if DH even had a job when I fell in love with him. He could have lived on the streets, it just never came up in conversation. We talked and talked about our opinions and ideas, never about material stuff. So I have to disagree with you there.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 11:49

I told my friend that she was totally out of order and that she needed to apologise or she’d never see me again. That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her.

Don't flounce if you can't back it up, Hopefully she's found someone less dramatic to befriend.

Faultymain5 · 16/01/2019 11:53

@explodingkitten
I'm no golddigger, but you are a much nicer person than I am. One of my first questions is "what do you do?". I'm not about building up a man with no foundation. You can be unemployed and still see yourself as something (I bet your DH did), that is ambition. A kind person without ambition is not my bag (not to say if you are made bankrupt you have no ambition). A kind person with ambition is.

ReanimatedSGB · 16/01/2019 11:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to reject a man because he's skint and crap with money. Some penniless men are on the lookout for a solvent woman who will feed and house them and dole out cash for computer games/their no-hope 'artistic career'/.drugs and drink, for example.

Mrsmummy90 · 16/01/2019 11:57

My husband is a high earner and when we got together, a 'friend' said I was a gold digger. I cut her out as she obviously didn't know me at all and didn't regard me very highly.

If you feel that the friendship is worth saving, go for it but I wouldn't make the effort.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 16/01/2019 12:03

Boyfriends come and go, I wouldn't lose your friend over this.
She didn't call you a gold digger, I think she was trying to appease you, but you were enjoying wine together, and her words were misconstrued.
He ended the relationship for his own reasons, move on.

Original poster
upseta · 16/01/2019 12:07

Your post struck a chord with me @Mrsmummy90

I have a feeling my friend and I are on different courses in life having been pretty even up til now.

She has a DP who is on minimum wage, as she is too. I was also on minimum wage until recently when I took a course which gave me qualifications I needed to get on the career ladder. As a result I now have a better paid job (not much yet) and have ambitions to go further.

This guy was the first I met in my “new life”. And I don’t think I’m going to ever want to date someone without ambition again.

Sadly this may also mean leaving some people behind if they can’t support my new path in life. Sad

OP posts:
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