Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Upset that she called me a golddigger

86 replies

upseta · 16/01/2019 10:57

My best friend of 10 years who I’ve supported through thick and thin has really upset me.

I recently spilt with a guy I’d been seeing for nearly a year. He ended it because he said he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship but that he cared greatly about me. I was disappointed but accepted his decision although if I’m honest, I’m hoping he’ll change his mind.

Naturally I turned to my friend for support and we talked about him and how I could change his mind. We were getting tipsy on wine and she said something that I found really hurtful and offensive.

She said that in all honesty, she thought the only reason I liked him was because he had money and took me out to expensive restaurants and bought me gifts. Take all of that away and I wouldn’t have looked twice at him.

I know we were drunk and everything but AIBU to be really offended that she has basically called me a gold digger? FWIW I had/have genuine feelings for him and was really upset when he ended it because he’s a good guy. Not because he’s rich!

I told my friend that she was totally out of order and that she needed to apologise or she’d never see me again. That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her. What should I do and how do we ever recover from this fallout?

OP posts:

InSightMars · 16/01/2019 12:08

She didn’t call you a gold digger, that’s you jumping to the ultimate worst construction of what she said. She was trying to point out that your relationship - from the outsider POV - appeared to be based on shallower material concerns rather than deeper emotional ones.

BlingLoving · 16/01/2019 12:13

Mmm, personally, I'd question a friend who thought that all I was looking for in a relationship was money and status. Seems to imply she doesn't think much of you from my perspective. Id' be pretty upset if my friends thought that I was only with someone because of the money.

Original poster

upseta · 16/01/2019 12:15

Id' be pretty upset if my friends thought that I was only with someone because of the money.

Exactly this

OP posts:

DanglyBangly · 16/01/2019 12:22

Sounds like she is a bit jealous of you, to be fair. Perhaps she feels left behind.

It's not unreasonable to be turned off by a bankruptcy or poor money management, I wouldn't be interested in someone like that. Not because of their lack of money but because what it says about them.

MumsyJ · 16/01/2019 12:25

I think you need to take into consideration the context it was said; sometimes mates tell us the home truths that we didn't realise until we're out of the relationship. Did your mate say it maliciously, jokingly or in a 'come on girl, you're stronger than this character in front of me' way? I think you need to speak to her to clear the air.

samsamsamsamsamsam · 16/01/2019 12:28

lose people because of your new path in life....because your friend and her partner are on minimum wage? Maybe shes right about you being focussed on money.

I have friends that earn a lot lower than me, and friends that earn a lot more than me. Literally never think about how much they earn or how it affects our friendship. I find it odd that you have commented on that.

Charley50 · 16/01/2019 12:29

I think you've totally overreacted. She didn't say you were a gold digger.
Her comment implies that she personally doesn't think much of him, either in the looks or personality department, or both. Has she met him? If not, what have you told her about him? You got offended over a minor comment and gave an ultimatum that's backfired.

Mookatron · 16/01/2019 12:31

Wasn't she just trying to make you feel better?

saj90 · 16/01/2019 12:33

It's the drink talking. To threaten to never speak to her again is ridiculous.

diddl · 16/01/2019 12:36

" That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her. "

Can't help thinking "good for her" tbh.

Aridane · 16/01/2019 12:40

told my friend that she was totally out of order and that she needed to apologise or she’d never see me again

Total over reaction. Fine to say you were upset by her comment- but to be honest if I received that text and the demand / threat contained in it, I would think it rather odd and would make me reconsider my friendship with you

Aridane · 16/01/2019 12:41

(and in any case she didn’t call you a gold digger)

StoppinBy · 16/01/2019 12:41

I don't think she called you a gold digger, I think she thinks very lowly of your ex to be honest and the insult was aimed at him. I actually wonder if there was a grain of truth to what she said and that's why you got so mad?

Everyone makes mistakes, don't regret yours for the rest of your life by waiting for her to apologise if that's not what you really want, text or call and say you over reacted as you were drunk and probably highly emotional and sensitive then move past it as friends.

Myheartbelongsto · 16/01/2019 12:46

She didn't call you a gold digger at all.

I think she hit a nerve and the truth hurt.

SparklyMagpie · 16/01/2019 13:00

Tbh if my friend said this after a few drinks, i'd have laughed, because i'd know I wasn't only interested in money so couldn't take it to heart

The threat of never speaking to her again is WAY ott

And you being happy to lose friends because basically you're earning more money is quite sad

Katgurl · 16/01/2019 13:24

I would be annoyed at the remark. I think you had an overreaction however threatening to terminate the friendship. Text jer and say "things got heated, can we either put it behind us or else talk it out (minus the wine)"

Perhaps she feels she is being left behind now you're on a different track. Your last post gives a bit more insight here.

Regardless she was judgemental and dismissive at a time when you needed a friend to support you.

If you think genuinely that she hasn't got your back then cut her out. I had a friend like this; she openly celebrated my hardships and got annoyed when things went well. Life is too short to share it with people like that.

Ddssdd · 16/01/2019 13:53

Fuck him.

Besties before Testes

LemonTT · 16/01/2019 14:13

All in all at a time when it is the ex you should be rejecting and finding fault with, you are focused on your friend. I wonder if you are deflecting and in doing so glorifying this man and the relationship. You haven’t said anything negative about him and clearly want him back.

His reason for dumping you is rubbish. When you fall in love you essentially become compelled to have headspace for that person. It’s everything else you drop. Bluntly this man is just not into you.

As to your friend, maybe she does have an issue with your new aspirations. She could be right that he personifies these aspirations but is a big departure from your usual type. It sounds like you want to get on in life and enjoy material advantages. So you may come across as materialistic, you do a little on here. No crime in that, you want better things and a more comfortable life. Money can give you that. But so can other things like good friends who are there for you when you need them. Mr New Life, isn’t there for you and he won’t be long term.

Nb. He sounds like the type to keep you dangling and will no doubt be happy to have sex with no strings.

Boysandbuses · 16/01/2019 14:57

Your latest posts suggests that you do come across as though dating someone with money changed you and you now think you are better.

Fwiw, he didn't break up with because he is a good guy. He broke up with and is keeping you dangling on case he changes his mind/wants a shag. He isn't a good guy.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 16:53

Life pro tip from OP - use "ambition" as a synonym for "money" to refute gold-digging accusations from people below you.

Original poster

upseta · 16/01/2019 17:40

I’m not sure what you mean @joanmcc but I don’t appreciate the snarky tone.

I’ve worked bloody hard to get on the career ladder and I’d never look down on anyone who does the sort of menial thankless job I used to do. But I decided to get OUT of that life and better myself. So yes, I am ambitious and yes that means earning more money and wanting to form a relationship with a man who is financially stable. I’m not going to apologise for wanting a better life.

OP posts:

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 17:44

Some advice for you from a "qualified professional" who was raised by unemployed parents and was the only person in a large housing estate to even attend university - humility costs nothing, and you "better yourself" by being kinder, not wealthier.

DBML · 16/01/2019 17:47

Silly to fall out over a daft statement. Your friend didn’t say anything about you. She was there with you supporting you.
My friends say all sorts to me when we’re tipsy...it’s all part of the fun.

Original poster

upseta · 16/01/2019 17:48

Kindness and wealth aren’t mutually exclusive @joanmcc

OP posts:

Bluestitch · 16/01/2019 17:53

Well you've confirmed on this thread that you've changed your life and will now only date men you feel are on your new level financially so what did she say that was wrong? She said you wouldn't have been interested if he didn't have money and she's right.

Flip

1 2 3 4