Upset that she called me a golddigger

[upseta]

My best friend of 10 years who I’ve supported through thick and thin has really upset me.

I recently spilt with a guy I’d been seeing for nearly a year. He ended it because he said he wasn’t in the right headspace for a relationship but that he cared greatly about me. I was disappointed but accepted his decision although if I’m honest, I’m hoping he’ll change his mind.

Naturally I turned to my friend for support and we talked about him and how I could change his mind. We were getting tipsy on wine and she said something that I found really hurtful and offensive.

She said that in all honesty, she thought the only reason I liked him was because he had money and took me out to expensive restaurants and bought me gifts. Take all of that away and I wouldn’t have looked twice at him.

I know we were drunk and everything but AIBU to be really offended that she has basically called me a gold digger? FWIW I had/have genuine feelings for him and was really upset when he ended it because he’s a good guy. Not because he’s rich!

I told my friend that she was totally out of order and that she needed to apologise or she’d never see me again. That was a week ago and I haven’t heard from her. What should I do and how do we ever recover from this fallout?

Thanks katgurl. You have articulated what I feel much better than I did.

I had genuine for this guy. Still do. Maybe I wasn’t the one for him but I can say hand on heart that I liked him because he was lovely. Yes he had money. But I wouldn’t have dated him if he wasn’t a good guy. Why can’t a man be nice AND solvent? Clearly some people on this thread, and my ex friend are conflating the two issues.

You sound like you think you're better than her tbh! Being on minimum wage doesn't equal lack of ambition.

And your last few comments make you sound unpleasant at best. Maybe she's fed up of you looking down your nose at her.

She said that in all honesty, she thought the only reason I liked him was because he had money and took me out to expensive restaurants and bought me gifts. Take all of that away and I wouldn’t have looked twice at him

Yes, she called you a gold-digger.
Definition and example from the Urban Dictionary -

"Someone who only likes people because of how much money they have, or because of the items they own"
Guy: Wanna go out?
Girl: No
Guy: Okay then Gets into Lamborghini
Girl: Notices Lamborghini I take that back. I will go out with you.
Guy: What a gold digger.

Being pissed is no excuse.
If it was then a real friend would be horrified with their choice of words once they'd sobered up - and be able to put aside their own pride and apologise.

Personally, i think she's probably been a little bit jealous of you/your lifestyle whilst with him.
The mask slipped when she was drunk and her secret gloating came out in a dig at you.
Either that or she genuinely does think so little of you as a person and doesn't actually know you at all.

Don't chase her.
Let her come to you with an apology and then see how you feel about this friendship.
You're working hard at creating a better life for yourself, that will always bring out insecurities and jealousy in some people around you.
Fortunately, you get to decide who you want to share your life with.

Working hard and been successful doesn't always bring the worse out in people.

I have a good career. No one is jealous of me. What I have noticed is that when people claim the career ladder, some of them do start assuming others are jealous. You can spot someone who expects people to jealous and then change because they have a good career/pay packet. It's not a nice quality.

The phrase 'bettering myself shows it. Why is having a good career and wage 'bettering'. It's not. I know loads of people who don't have either and are better people than most. You are making yourself more financially secure not better.

You have made it clear here, that a man solvency is a priority. That's fine that's your choice. But you can't then be shocked that people think that.

Your posts here, to me, scream that you think you are better. It's probable that your friend thinks that the ex, is the reason for this or at least contributed.

You totally have the right to tell her that she upset you. But you went for the nuclear option. If this happened with any of my friends it would have been 'woah, that not true and a bit shitty' with a response of 'sorry, didn't mean to upset you. I genuinely didn't think you were that into him'. End of.

You can't threaten someone with ending the friendship, then act all hurt because they took you up on the threat. May be work on bettering your communication skills and how you handle difficult situations.

Honestly?

If I have a super strong reaction to something someone says to me, I figure there must be an element of truth in what they've said and I do some introspection

Usually I don't react strongly to other people's opinions of me - 'what you think of me is none of my business'

I think deep down you probably think the same, or you wouldn't be so butthurt!

It's not a big deal, get over it!

Yes exactly what Gina2012 said!!

I'd say she's happy not talking to you again..
So leave it there.

I also think she hit a nerve with you.

I don't think she was calling you a gold digger. FWIW I (before marriage) wouldn't date someone unemployed or on a minimum wage job. I don't believe that makes me a golddigger... I just don't want to be with someone who is struggling financially.

Even if a friend said something I didn't like...I'd let them know it hurt my feelings or that I didn't like it. Then I'd wait and see if an apology came. You issuing an ultimatum was uncalled for.

I think there's room for honesty in friendship - a good friend may sometimes say things (particularly in a drunken chat ) that make you feel uncomfortable. If someone said something like this to me I'd probably get defensive in the first instance then reflect on it later and take their perceptions on board, even if I felt they were unfair. If you conclude that she's a total bitch who just wants to hurt you, then leave the friendship behind. If not, it's probably worth trying to salvage.
I think you've alluded to being prepared to leave people behind now you're earning more than minimum wage and are on a new life path. I wonder if some of this attitude came across in your conversation, even if you didn't mean it to, and it irritated your friend into saying something a bit tactless. Basically this doesn't sound like a friendship-breaker to me, but it depends how much you value the relationship overall I guess.

Your friend not familiar on you