Does anyone else's DH take this view?

[Esparadis]

2 young children- 1 is a baby.
She wakes a lot during the night. She is breastfed, but only feeds twice during the night- she just wants to be held and cuddled the rest of the time.
I've tried co-sleeping but because she can smell my milk, she wakes crying constantly if my nipple is not in her mouth, she takes a dummy but only wants boob when co-sleeping. I therefore get more sleep when she's in her own cot in her own room despite the night waking.
I go to bed early (9pm) and I ask DH to tend to her until 12 and then from 6am, I do the chunk inbetween. The idea is that he gets 6 hours of solid sleep for work.
However, DH seems to think I "should" be able to manage everything... he has never said this explicitly but has said
"Some womens' husbands work away and so they have to manage themselves during the night." I think I manage quite well. This is largely because he doesnt wany to get up at 6am. But the baby feeds at 5am, so I just need that extra bit of sleep before I'm up with the toddler.
It's not unreasonable for him to give me a hand is it? Do other husbands take this view?

Agree with him.
Get up with the baby.
And stop doing his washing, cooking, or anything else that benefits him because you're pretending he's working away.

@BaronessBomburst

Nip this in the bud OP, or you'll be run ragged. He needs to parent his child.

Agree with baroness, if he was away you wouldn't have to weepy about him either.

Worry not weepy!

I managed to do everything on my own because I had no choice. He was either working away or too busy working to help apparently. As a result, it was non stop whirlwind with hardly any time to breathe. If he'd been a little bit more involved then life would have been a lot easier.

So in answer to your question, of course women can manage it they have no choice. But there are men who also manage to be involved in their kids upbringing and work too and life is a lot better for everyone.

No he is a unsupportive twat

But like the idea that you should stop doing anything for him as he is working away!

Haha 😂 @BaronessBomburst

I totally agree if my DP had this attitude he’d be getting nothing from me, it’s a shared responsibility.

I would be saying and many dads don't work away and do their fair share - don't be the knob

And I agree my DH was away in the week and did far more at the weekend when he was back especially letting me have the lie ins - I had a preemie and she was feeding 3hrly and I was expressing for the first two months. Mine used to feed around 5.30 but then there was 3 hrs before she needed attention again as she would go back to sleep

Of course you could manage but why on earth should you.
Your in a partnership with him and he is the child's father. It's what dad's do!

I think when you have more than one child you both have to forfeit sleep. One baby it's more reasonable the parent staying at home does the bulk of the night care as they can rest during the day when the baby naps, but if you've got a toddler to look after or school runs to do, then you both have to share the load and try to both get some rest time back at the weekend. Your husband is being unreasonable.

I had a breastfed baby and woke to do the feeds, everything else DP did, night wakes to soother her to sleep and change nappies and cuddling to sleep.

DP stil does most of the night wakes with her as she dives for boob if she sees me but will settle when with him.

Who are all the women your H knows who do everything alone and who’s husbands work away? Ask him to name a dozen.

This is one tough situation, because each of you is right in a way :( I hope it gets sorted out soon.

Fuck that. My DH is a SAHD to our 18 week old. I still do all the night wakes, despite having a full on, more than full time job, as DH’s day with a little baby is FAR harder than mine. Your DH needs to step up. for you

That's ridiculous. Some men are primary caregivers and work full time because their wives have run away. Some children live with their grandparents because their parents are drug addicts. Some people are SAHM and have full time nannies. He's just trying to avoid his responsibility and putting it all on you. I'd insist on him taking a week off work and doing what you do while you leave the house for 9 hours a day, then make him do night wakes/feeds. If it's so easy he should see it as a nice break from work.

Why no, my h doesn't take that view because he's not a prick.recreation, your h is taking the piss.

I don't think it's a "tough situation" at all. It's a lazy little man child bleating on about how some men have it easy because they work away and therefore don't have to lift a finger, because the little woman does the whole lot.

Well he doesn't work away and they are his children as well. You could point out that some blokes also have to get on with it because their babies are bottle fed and the woman works shifts. He wants to be treated as if he works away? Fine - no sex, no cooking, no washing, no cleaning, nothing. He's not there - right?

You are completely right
He's not thinking of you

My husband doesn't take this view. We have a teen and a baby , the baby wakes frequently. On nights where my husband is due up at 5am for an early shift I do all of the wakings , I'm then up at 6 to spend time with the teen before school. When he works a late shift or is off he takes the baby from 5am and spends time with the teen before school. I get up around 9am on these days.

You have two small children at home all day and need at least a few hours in a row to function. Your husband needs to step up.

Well, some people cope with raising kids alone (or effectively alone).

Some people cope with inadequate food. Some people cope with having no home. Some people cope with all sorts of things... doesn't mean it should be happening, especially when there's a perfectly reasonable alternative, e.g. A FATHER WHO ACTUALLY PULLS HIS WEIGHT.

A friend of mine had this situation; her husband effectively expected to behave like a single parent. She told him that if the only thing he was contributing to the family was money, then he might as well leave and contribute the money via a divorce settlement. He started stepping up a bit more.

Being parents of a baby and a toddler entails a huge amount of exhausting work. If you are both parents then you both need to accept this and give that bit extra.

No. Your DH is a lazy twat.

Remind him that he is also a parent. When you are both in the house it is a joint responsibility.

Some women's husbands realise that their wives have just grown a whole person, squeezed that person out of themselves and are now juicing themselves to nourish that baby

Some women's husbands realise without being told that is much much more effort than they have ever put in and are happy to do their bit in raising their offspring and not watch their wives be ground down to their bare bones with exhaustion.

Sorry you married a twat, OP.

Oh and my abusive exh used to tell me to "get on with everything" and act as if he wasn't there. He basically wanted me to run around after our toddler while he played on his ps2 when he got home from work. Like an absolute mug I did just that for over a decade.

Mine works away for two or three weeks at a time. He never got up in the night with any of them. Occasionally he would get up in the morning or he would get up and make a cup of tea at 6am very, very occasionally he would take the last one downstairs or get up with the others while I changed and fed her.

With the first one he had to get up and help because he often projectile vomited all over the bed so we would be both up changing baby and the sheets.
I used to bed so tired sometimes and just wish he would get up occasionally and change baby and just let me do the feeds I used to feel grumpy and hard done by. Even when baby 1 was bottle fed at 4 moths he didn’t take over. I used to get really pissed off with him but he just slept through most of it. Or pretended to!
I survived by getting baby and toddler down for a nap after lunch and I had half an hour.

I can see both sides. It’s his child so he should help out but if he is working full time his sleep is important or he can’t function at work.

My dh (now ex) would rarely get up in the night if he was working the next day because he was unable to do his job on broken sleep, I could catch up on sleep during the day when baby napped, at the weekend he would get up so I could rest.

...and so they have to manage themselves

It's not unreasonable for him to give me a hand is it?

The problem is that you are both framing the donkey work of child raising as being your responsibility, with your husband “helping”, when in actual fact you are both equally responsible for your child. This should be the starting point from which you both work, but it appears that your husband considers baby-related work to be your remit. When you frame his input as “giving you a hand”, you are implying the same and validating that idea in his mind.

I’m going to assume you are a SAHM because that’s how your OP reads to me, apologies if that’s incorrect. I think your solution of giving DH a chunk of sleep from 12-6 is sensible (and I’m guessing could sometimes be 11-6 or 12-7 for example if the baby plays ball? Presumably the baby isn’t always awake either side on the nose?).

Having six hours of undisturbed sleep every night is a pipe dream for most parents with a baby and toddler. He is being massively unreasonable to expect more than that when it comes at the expense of you having less than the guaranteed 3 hours you already get, plus a brief snooze in the morning.

He has to be up for work and I’m sure his boss won’t make allowances for tiredness, so I do think that giving him a chunk of sleep is fair. However you also have a job! An extremely important job that requires your full attention. And with a toddler who may not be napping (or maybe not at the same time as the baby anyway) it’s not like you can necessarily catch up on sleep during the day. You have to be on the ball too.

Sorry OP but your DH sounds quite selfish. He needs to adjust the way he views your set up. If he needs the sleep at night, he should be offering to let you catch up at other times. Does he ever take care of the kids in the evenings or a weekends for a few hours to give you time to rest?