Does anyone else's DH take this view?

[Esparadis]

2 young children- 1 is a baby.
She wakes a lot during the night. She is breastfed, but only feeds twice during the night- she just wants to be held and cuddled the rest of the time.
I've tried co-sleeping but because she can smell my milk, she wakes crying constantly if my nipple is not in her mouth, she takes a dummy but only wants boob when co-sleeping. I therefore get more sleep when she's in her own cot in her own room despite the night waking.
I go to bed early (9pm) and I ask DH to tend to her until 12 and then from 6am, I do the chunk inbetween. The idea is that he gets 6 hours of solid sleep for work.
However, DH seems to think I "should" be able to manage everything... he has never said this explicitly but has said
"Some womens' husbands work away and so they have to manage themselves during the night." I think I manage quite well. This is largely because he doesnt wany to get up at 6am. But the baby feeds at 5am, so I just need that extra bit of sleep before I'm up with the toddler.
It's not unreasonable for him to give me a hand is it? Do other husbands take this view?

He could help you. But he's choosing not to. And that's fine. Just make sure that you equally choose not to help him when he needs it. Otherwise you're just a doormat. It worked with mine. He soon learned give and take when his washing stopped getting done and I fed the kids tea but not him.

Few men are naturally givers... they are born takers and need constant training

I once lost the plot with my normally very nice bil when he suggested my dsis should do all the night wakings (and the early mornings) as he had to work. Told him looking after a baby was a helluva lot harder than going to work!

I absolutely cannot stand this entitled attitude some men have. Thank god I got rid of my one.

My husband does work away during the week. And he feels very guilty about the extra burden this places on me and does a lot on the weekends to make up for it.

It hopefully won't be the situation forever, because he would much prefer to be home seeing his kids during the week - even if it came with a bit less sleep (not that I can feel too much pity for your husband's protected 6hrs a night!)

I know a woman who died when her child was still a baby. The husband she left behind had to do all the night wakings by himself, and he had to manage by himself during the night. This example has nothing to do with your circumstances, but then neither does the one he offered. Don't let him confuse what is possible when there's no other option with what is equitable when there is.

Ask him why he thinks it is ok to compared himself to a father who isn't there. Is that all he aspires to?! Absence? Lack of relevance?

Ask him directly: Do you wish you worked away in the week?

See what he says.

Git.

And yes, breastfeeding mothers do often get the shitty end of the stick. I still feel a little stabby when I remember my DH telling someone that there was "no point" him getting up in the night...

High stress job is not the same as “would harm others if he was tired”. DH and I have both had high stress City jobs but at the end of the day if we messed up at work it was just money that was lost, not a toddler in the road or baby dropped on the stairs.

Your h is a selfish, sexist idiot.

Reply, “some mothers collapse due to exhaustion and then their spouses have to do the whole night.” And nod meaningfully.

Nip it in the bud, OP.

We have 5 kids, 3 of the autistic, and my husband has never done night waskings in his life. He said that it was "my job to protect him from being woken up" because he had to go to work. So I spent years and years getting no more than about 20 minutes sleep at a time and sleeping no more than about 3 completely broken hours a night. I was so tired that I was a wreck. You do not want that to be your life.

Ask him if he would like you to behave as if he was working away? And then don't do anything for him, because, if he were working away, you wouldn't have to.

There seems to be a lot of "tending" to the baby during bedtime hours which is not feeding or changing. Maybe his comment is more questioning whether the approach to settling the baby is working rather than the split of labour.

My DH and I missed each other if I took myself off to bed stupid early. DD2 was really collicky in the evening. We tried putting her in her cot with resultant misery all round. I tried leaving her with DH while I spent quality time with DD1. She howled so much DD1 begged me to include her. She was quite happy to cuddle in with DD1's bedtime stories etc. She was quite happy to develop an evening TV habit as long as she was sitting with DH and I. Miraculously this also improved her night waking.

DD1 otoh wanted P&Q in her own bed by 7pm when she was a baby.

The problem with developing a rigid division of labour and a routine is that babies and toddlers won't conform and you can end up making a lot of extra work especially if one parent doesn't feel they can initiate change.

(PS DD2 is now a teenager who loves her bed and hardly ever watches TV)

Well he's said it all hasn't he when he says "some women MANAGE alone because they HAVE to".

Yes, they do. But you don't, you have your husband and the baby's father at home so why should you struggle on and manage as if you were single? You aren't.

He's being an arse. He's getting 6 solid hours of sleep which is more than many parents get with a baby in the house. I think you're being quite fair. What hours he works shouldn't matter either, he's the parent the same as you so he should do 50% while he's home. Lazy sod

Sorry but I'm with him. He has a stressful job and medical issues affe ting his sleep. If he goes to sleep at midnight, by the time he gets to sleep he is nly getting 5 1/2 h night sleep. Some cope on that little but most wouldn't. You get the option to have a nap or two a day.

I would never have considered my OH to get by on 5 1/2 h sleep a night when our kids were little. It was hell as both children were very poor sleepers and yes, I cried a few times from tiredness but I still wouldn't have expected him to get by on so little. He did look after them until midnight but it was up to me afterwards including first thing in the morning.

You get the option to have a nap or two a day.

God, I wish I'd had this option when I had a small breastfed baby and a toddler under 2...

What you do is pretty much what DH and I did... except that sometimes DH would be up from 5:30. I think it's a really good solution and am always recommending it to people on here and in RL when the mum is completely shattered. It's not unreasonable that your DH wants a solid stretch of sleep, but it's never been clear to me why that solid stretch needs to spread out into 7:30 am, followed by a mad dash out the door to make it to work for 8:30.

When I went back to work and DH was SAHD, we took turns at the middle of night stuff. (Ds was a nightmare sleeper) and if one of us bore the brunt of it for whatever reason, that person would usually get some make up sleep with an extra lie in on the weekend or whatever.

You get the option to have a nap or two a day.

Clearly my baby and toddler were defective as there is no way I had this option.

You get the option to have a nap or two a day

My three year old would beg to differ.

It won't go on forever OP although it certainly feels like it does while you're doing it.
We did this, but I went to bed at 7.30!! with DH in charge and giving a bottle until midnight. I breastfed the rest of the time. We managed to get through it but it was hard work for 7 months when the baby started sleeping through. I used to get up at 5am and that was my day started, but I did go to bed really early.
Consider mixed feeding to save your sanity.
Please OP's DH: Take your medicine so you when you sleep, you sleep well and can be a better parent, OP needs her sleep too

There is no right or wrong here, If you are in need of help then he should give you that help. Yes SOME women can manage alone but some can't. FWIW when my DC were little 30 years ago and I was a SAHP my DH did nothing not even make a cup of tea, but I was happy with that, I didn't let other people tell me how to live my life and parent my children. On the very odd occasion he got up with our DC I would lay awake listening to what they were up to as I was a bit of a control freak! Just ask your DH to just help out a little more. Baby steps for baby husbands !!

I cried a few times from tiredness but I still wouldn't have expected him to get by on so little

Ah you see, there’s the difference. I didn’t expect DH to, he chose to. He would been mortified if I was crying with exhaustion while he was getting a full night’s sleep, when we had both chosen to have a baby.

I didn't let other people tell me how to live my life and parent my children

Err... how would him making you a cup of tea and helping you out equal telling you how to live your life and parent your children?!

Some women's husbands work away and so they have to manage themselves during the night.

Sure. Some women do it all, including full-time work. Presumably men could also do it all, then, if they tried. Isn't he lucky that you're helping him out with his children at night, as well as having them all day?

SoyDora I was referring to these fictitious people whose husbands work away. Her DH is letting other people (or his idea of how other people do it) tell him how to parent his children.

Ah ok

Lots of men are sadly like this. When DP first returned to work after his two weeks paternity everyone remarked on how knackered he looked and a couple of the men told him they didn’t do anything when their children were babies, they even slept in a separate room . DP suggested it jokingly and I shot him down immediately. A baby has two parents so should be patented by both.

I EBF so it’s tricky because there’s not much reason DP should wake up. He did all of the nightly nappy changes in the beginning whilst I recovered but now we co-sleep so all round better sleep.

I think your DH should perhaps join you in bed earlier? If that’s an option. Midnight seems late.