Does anyone else's DH take this view?

[Esparadis]

2 young children- 1 is a baby.
She wakes a lot during the night. She is breastfed, but only feeds twice during the night- she just wants to be held and cuddled the rest of the time.
I've tried co-sleeping but because she can smell my milk, she wakes crying constantly if my nipple is not in her mouth, she takes a dummy but only wants boob when co-sleeping. I therefore get more sleep when she's in her own cot in her own room despite the night waking.
I go to bed early (9pm) and I ask DH to tend to her until 12 and then from 6am, I do the chunk inbetween. The idea is that he gets 6 hours of solid sleep for work.
However, DH seems to think I "should" be able to manage everything... he has never said this explicitly but has said
"Some womens' husbands work away and so they have to manage themselves during the night." I think I manage quite well. This is largely because he doesnt wany to get up at 6am. But the baby feeds at 5am, so I just need that extra bit of sleep before I'm up with the toddler.
It's not unreasonable for him to give me a hand is it? Do other husbands take this view?

Could you not have a cot in the room with you? Your OP mentions either co-sleeping, or own cot in own room. That actual getting up and out of bed to see to the baby in a different room is so much more tiring than having the baby within arms reach in a cot in the same room.

How old is the baby?

He definitely should be pulling his weight at night. You can't exactly catch up on sleep when your baby naps during the day because you've got a toddler and we all know that's basically impossible

Are you comfortable with putting your foot down? He needs to do his fair share. You'll burn out.

He's being an idiot. Was he like this with your first baby?

Jesus, this thread makes me feel very fortunate.

Put your foot down OP, your current arrangement is totally fair. He gets 6 hours solid sleep even though he is parent to a baby and toddler? Lucky git!

Does he really want you to be looking agter his DC while extremely sleep deprived? Point out what could easily happen if you are too tired to function - dropping baby, failing to spot car coming, kitchen accidents, or at the very least being shouty with the DC.

Everyone needs a basic amount of sleep to function competently, and looking after two tiny DC is IME much harder than going to work, and with many more risks if you get it wrong (unless he’a a brain surgeon - is he??)

The fact that some women have no choice but to run themselves ragged is not a reason why you should have to

I have a two year old and new born and my dh works away.

But, I have less to do when he's not here so I don't need his help. There is less cleaning and tidying, less washing and I don't need to cook a proper meal. We don't run out of bread and milk either so it's less shopping.

I need his help when he's here, he sorts toddler out I focus on baby and he holds baby in day so I can get housework/cooking done. But this is because I'm doing so much for him.

Of course some women manage on their own. But why would he want to see you struggling and exhausted, when he could help out?
I have a 5 year old, a 3 year old and a newborn. DH has always done as much as he can to help despite me BF-ing as he doesn’t want to see me on my knees with exhaustion. Yes he has to work in the day, but he is not operating heavy machinery or doing brain surgery.
And on the 1/2 nights a week he’s away, I can and will manage on my own.

Unless your H has a highly stressful, very important job which means he would be literally endangering himself or other people if he didn't get enough sleep, he is being a selfish prick. If he is a brain surgeon or airline pilot or something like that, then he should be on pretty good money, so the solution might be to hire a nanny so that you get a bit more sleep.

As a PP said, if all he is willing to contribute is money, he can do that well enough as a divorced parent - and with him out of the house, there will be less mess to clear up and no heavy hinting about more sex.

I’m sure you could manage alone if you had to, but I’m not quite sure why your dh wouldn’t want to try and make your life a bit easier and more pleasant since he’s not working away. Also you’d think he’d want to be treated, and act like, a full parent, and not just some kind of remote money-making machine?!

Sounds like my ex husband when our 2nd was born. Had 2 under 2. Everything was down to me. It only got worse. You need to Nip it in the bud now.

Tell your Husband that yes of course women cope,but that's because those women have no sodding choice the lazy git!

I became single a few days before I found out that I was pregnant with my 4DC and I was still breastfeeding my 3rd DC,did I manage alone,of course I did but when I fell pregnant with my 5th DC I was with my now lovely DH and my pregnancy and looking after a newborn and breastfeeding all through the night was no longer a lonely job because I had my DH at my side.

My DH managed to do his job(12 hour shifts as an armed Police Officer) and he helped out with all 5DC,he'd get up in the night and as soon as I'd finished feeding our DD he'd wind her,change her nappy so that I could get an extra 20-30 minutes sleep each time after breastfeeding our little girl,he'd also get up in the morning and let me catch up on some sleep and the days that he could he'd get the 4 older DC up and get them ready for school and nursery.

Now my DH is Dad to all 5 of our DC but he only helped make our youngest so if he could help out there's no reason your DH can't help you, unless your DH is disabled or seriouslly ill I can't see a valid reason that he can't shoulder some of the work that comes from having 2 young DC.

Unless he does a really important job that he can't be tired for, or indeed you agreed it would be that way .
My husband is self employed and works 12-14 hour days in a manual job so as I was breast feeding anyway I did all night wakes etc
If I want to be at home he has to work a lot of hours to pay for everything so it's an unwritten thing with us. And of course if I ask for help he will...eventually!

Some woman's husbands do work away, yours doesn't so tuff on him.

"I had a breastfed baby and woke to do the feeds, everything else DP did, night wakes to soother her to sleep and change nappies and cuddling to sleep. "

Mine did this too & would get up and bring the baby when she needed feeding.

He copes much better on less sleep than me.

And he's a decent person.

we always did this - if the baby woke before midnight, he'd do the feed - if it was after, I would - I could then go to bed early and grab a few hours. Your DH needs to step up

He's a twat!

My ex was army and did a 6 month deployment when dd was just over a year old so yes SOME mothers do have to do a lot more in terms of childcare BUT as the first respondent rightly pointed out they're ALSO not burdened by the extra work of another adults needs.

In addition if needed army wives can ask for support from the welfare officer who can make certain arrangements. It was less formalised in the past, but I believe now there is essentially "sure start" type support on most bases. In my mothers day the other wives attached to the unit would "pull together" to help each other, from fetching shopping or hanging washing to babysitting - so they didn't have to do it all themselves though admittedly most would try as a matter of pride and other wives would step in where there was illness, bereavement etc to deal with.

When ex was home we did similar to you, I went to bed "early" to get a few hours in before first night feed, went to bed himself whenever I was going that feed, then up at 6/7 to get ready for work and he'd exercise using dd as a "weight" or else just making silly faces or singing to her while he got ready, then he'd fetch me before he left for work.

My dad & grandad did similar (both also army)

So as he seems to be comparing you to army wives HE can act like an army husband and not be a lazy unsupportive arse!!

"I can see both sides. It’s his child so he should help out but if he is working full time his sleep is important or he can’t function at work" hate this argument it's bollocks! BOTH parents need as much sleep as possible. One for working outside the home, one for working in it. The sahp also needs their wits about them to keep everyone safe & healthy. A dead on their feet sahm carrying a baby down stairs is NOT ideal and should be avoided if at all possible.

Bro is a police officer - also pulls his weight with DC and indeed at one point was a single rp dad! He'd rip the piss out of your dh!!

I would suggest that a lot of those dads probably fall in the 40% of marriages that end in divorce because women don't like being married to absent/lazy/selfish men.

I think you have it arranged well.
I did night feeds, but he would bottle feed last thing at night so I could go to bed around 9 pm. Baby would wake around 1 am for feed, but I had 4 hours sleep by then. Made a huge difference to have that uninterrupted block of sleep.
I did cope with lack of sleep better than him.

we did exactly as you do - i slept 8/9 till midnight then again from 6am for about an hour. dh slept between midnight and 6am. He never really complained once, he sleeps less than me anyway, but he knew i was up multiple times around 3/4am and he was more than happy with his end of the bargain.

Reading some comments makes me very grateful for my dh.

We had a system where I would cluster feed dd and then I would go to sleep around 8pm. He would stay up with the baby until around 1am. After that I would get up and he would sleep until 9am and then get ready for work. He starts at 10am. This really worked for us. He managed to get 8 hours sleep and I got 5 hours uninterrupted and then I would get up, feed and go back to sleep for a couple hours until she woke again.

It worked for us and we alternated weekends so we could get a lie in. I’m a sahp, he works full time but he’s a decent man and understood that we both made this baby. I obviously did all the housework, cooking, let care etc at home and never asked him to help with any of that

He was great with DC1 and did half the night feeds, but I wasn't breastfeeding. It has shocked me this time to see how much gets left to me with breastfeeding.

The other thing to point out is that DH is not sleeping well due to a medical condition which is on going. But, when he is not taking his pain relief and refuses to go back and see the doctor I am finding it very difficult to have more empathy. He doesn't see the specialist for another 3 months and keeps saying he is waiting until then before seeing another medical professional. I don't have time or energy to sort out his medical needs on top of everything else. I have enough with the children who are both under paediatricians for seperate health issues.

To add,his job is very high stress.

I am on maternity leave but work part-time.

I didn't breastfeed (actually couldn't) so it was a bit different. I used to go to bed at 9pm. DH did 11pm feed. I did night feed and morning feed. We both got to sleep at least 6 hours which kept us sane!

The sahp also needs their wits about them to keep everyone safe & healthy.
I agree. I had to do the school run and spend the day looking after two babies. He only had to go to work.