Why do I feel so awful

[Melandre]

I’ll try and keep this short.

For Xmas I bought dp tickets to an exhibition and talk about his hobby. He also shares this hobby with his db and while I thought the exhibition etc sounded quite interesting, I offered the extra ticket to dp’s db as they haven’t spent the day together without partners in ages and I knew they’d both really enjoy it. This was on Saturday. Waved them off at noon knowing they’d go for a drink after it finished (around 5). Dp and I had plans to chat about our wedding planning that evening.

Dp is not home til 11pm, absolutely rolling drunk. Around 9pm I tentatively asked for his eta which had not been forthcoming. From then on it was nasty texts “why are you being difficult about me spending time with my brother”/“you’re controlling”/“you don’t let me spend time with my family and friends”. He also had a drunken rant at me on the phone. The next morning he was a little apologetic but I told him straight that’s I’d been disappointed he hadn’t kept in touch and a vague eta would have just been courteous (it wasn’t my ideal to end up spending my Saturday evening in front of Netflix) He then was angrily telling me that he and his brother had bee having gone very important conversation about the brothers “mental health issues” (which I didn’t know about). Ergo I am a bitch.

Cue nasty rant and sulking from dp all Sunday. Yet again I am controlling, I have issues with him going out. His displays of contempt ranged from: ignoring me and scrolling through his phone when I was standing right in front of him, shutting the door in my face when I was talking, refusing to have breakfast with me, refusing to come out on our planned walk (then relenting when I begged him not to ruin the day, and coming out but shouting at me in the street, sneering at my tears, threatening to go home.)

Context: dp has after work drinks at least once a week, he spent Xmas at his family’s house, he had 5 trips away last year without me, he works away for 4 day stints every other month, we meet up with his family at least monthly, he’s going to a family event next Friday/Saturday, he goes on a big night out (which writes off the whole next day with hangover) probably monthly. He actually has a very independent life and I am very used to being on my own. I do all our housework except washing up. I do all our admin. I have planned our wedding.

I feel terrible that he thinks I’m controlljng. I don’t know what to do differently. As in the case of this weekend with the present for him and his brother, I never would have expected to be accused of being controlling. I can’t get it out of my head and I feel so rubbish. Keep thinking about dps contemptuous face and the door slamming in my face. I feel like I could be the perfect cool girlfriend and it would never be enough for dp. He never tells me when he will be home, he always gets smashed when he drinks (and nasty when he’s drunk, or otherwise way ott affectionate- sometimes from one minute to the next).

He says he loves me but why does it feel so fucking awful right now.

If it's like this now, he'll get the green light for even more if you guys get married. This is just so awful on so many levels. It's not going to get better any time soon. Does he speak to his boss like this? Would he do it to a police office, for example? No. His "mental health/medication" is just an excuse to treat you like shit. Slamming a door in your face when you're trying to talk to him? Fuck no! Where's your anger?

@Melandre
He will not change.
You will forever be adapting everything you say , do , think , wear , eat , the way you speak , the books you read , the programmes you watch , the music you listen to , what you do in your spare time ( if anything ), to keep him happy.
RUNRUNRUN RUN RUNRUNRUNRUNRUN RUN puff puff

I have got nervous about disagreeing. But he says that’s how he feels around me. Who is right?!

To be honest, I don't think it matters who is 'right' anymore.

This relationship is dead in the water. He has no respect for you.

Please have some for yourself and make plans to leave.

That’s the kind of thing that just sends me into the biggest panic,WHY doesn’t he respect me, why am I not good enough for that? It just plays into every shit thing I feel about myself. By doing nothing when I’ve felt like this, I can in some way not confront that feeling of not being good enough. I know that makes little sense. I can feel myself panicking a little more as the day goes on and it’s awful.

It is not you .
It is him.

Sorry @Melandre I didn't mean to upset you.

And I'm sorry this man makes you feel like that.

He should make you feel like a queen. But instead he undermines you, shouts at you, and accuses you of being controlling.

Please understand that it's not about you 'not being good enough' - it's about him and his power and control over you. They are two very different things.

Melandre his behaviour is feeding your insecurities. He may not respect you but this isn't your fault! It simply means you are not right for each other. It doesn't mean you aren't good enough or will never find love etc etc.

No one here can tell you what the right thing is to do because none of us is you and where you are right now! The only person who can decide what is right is you. You have to make a choice and it will be, quite probably, one of the hardest you will ever make.

Perhaps it would be easier to start with simplifying things to the following questions:

1, are you happy to live the rest of your life as you have done over the past 2 days and change the way you speak, think and feel to facilitate someone else's well being?

1. do you honestly believe that it is 100% your fault (or even 80%) that he feels the way he does?

Have you heard of The Freedom Programme? It might be useful for you.

www.reducingtherisk.org.uk/cms/content/freedom-programme

Once you realise the problem is with him not you, it’s very freeing. It doesn’t matter what you’re like as a person and no amount of self improvement (on your part) will change his attitude. An abuser cannot respect his partner. The abusive mindset is rooted in disrespect for women. After you leave he will do it to the next one (after a period of public courtship, partly aimed at needling you). And the one after that. And the one after that. Doesn’t matter who she is or what she’s like. Because the problem is with him, and his thought processes.

What a vile, controlling, gaslighting bully.

Everything he does is about building himself up whilst grinding you down. You are not the controlling one in this relationship.

If you'd told him to fuck off to his brother's last night he would have gone upstairs and sulked instead. They all follow the same script and very few have the bollocks to actually follow through on their threats. It's all about the control and making you panic and fall back into line, which is exactly what happened last night.

Can you confide in your manager and get some emergency time off work? If you want to end this horrible cycle then you need to leave and not look back. The sooner the better.

Be brave

Oh and something you said earlier in one of your posts. About never making a success of a relationship or something along those lines...very few people get it right the first time. We all have to go through the toads first. Get rid of this giant smelly toad and you'll free yourself up for meeting someone who treats you right all the time, not just occasionally.

And he probably picked you because at some level, he sensed you would believe the worst about yourself. Think about when you got together. What else was going on in your life? Was it a period of flux? They often get you when you’re vulnerable then present themselves as the answer to all your problems. Later, they start with the manipulations/bullying and it grinds you down even further so you can’t picture ever getting up the strength to leave.

It was a day out and drinks after with his brother. If that had been me I would assume that my partner would be back when they were back and not ask for an eta, especially if they rarely see each other. I do not like to say when I will be back in case the evening lasts longer.

However the way he speaks to you sounds very disrespectful. It shouldn't be this hard. Especially before marriage. Especially before having children.

I would rethink this whole relationship as it does not seem very healthy.

What is DARVO?

I only asked for an eta at 9pm though. They went off at noon. I was wondering when he would be back. Very unsure whether that puts me in the wrong or not but regardless it triggered him.
He’s been on and off WhatsApp all day for the last 3 hours without speaking to me. Has crossed my mind if he’s talking up someone else. My last relationship ended with deceit and then an arbitrary, abrupt ending to get me out the way.
Feeling very low right now as I feel like I haven’t made any progress since last night in terms of moving forward.

Stop trying to understand, "why you are not good enough" it isn't you, you cannot change to be what you imagine he wants, he will move the goal posts, he will find other ways to diminish you. He is happy to dominate he gets power from it.
If its easier think of him as damaged goods. Or sick.

You have made progress.
You now know it is him. NOT YOU.

So many people on here listening to you!
Does he listen ?

You did a really nice thing for him by buying him and his brother tickets to go out together. How can he call you controlling? From what your written I think he sounds like a bastard! Sorry op I don’t mean to be horrible as I’m only going on what you’ve written, me and my oh have had our ups and downs but he never treats me like that, when he has been an arse while drunk which rare now he apologises straight away the next day and normally buys flowers/takes me out makes the effort to see if I’m ok. What your oh is doing sounds abusive, if my oh ignored me I’d tell him to fuckoff I find ignoring your partner so childish and petty. Why are you marrying him op?

It is very hard to accept, don't be surprised that you are fighting to comprehend.. only days ago you didn't really consider emotional abuse was a concept, never mind in your home

And by being an arse while drunk I mean he vomits everywhere ( in my hair once 😤) falling all over the place talking shit or just singing at the top of his voice waking me up lol. He shouldn’t be so nasty to you drunk or sober.

I have just had a quick look at your other thread @Melandre .
FFS get out of this now.

How are you today Melandre?