Why do I feel so awful

[Melandre]

I’ll try and keep this short.

For Xmas I bought dp tickets to an exhibition and talk about his hobby. He also shares this hobby with his db and while I thought the exhibition etc sounded quite interesting, I offered the extra ticket to dp’s db as they haven’t spent the day together without partners in ages and I knew they’d both really enjoy it. This was on Saturday. Waved them off at noon knowing they’d go for a drink after it finished (around 5). Dp and I had plans to chat about our wedding planning that evening.

Dp is not home til 11pm, absolutely rolling drunk. Around 9pm I tentatively asked for his eta which had not been forthcoming. From then on it was nasty texts “why are you being difficult about me spending time with my brother”/“you’re controlling”/“you don’t let me spend time with my family and friends”. He also had a drunken rant at me on the phone. The next morning he was a little apologetic but I told him straight that’s I’d been disappointed he hadn’t kept in touch and a vague eta would have just been courteous (it wasn’t my ideal to end up spending my Saturday evening in front of Netflix) He then was angrily telling me that he and his brother had bee having gone very important conversation about the brothers “mental health issues” (which I didn’t know about). Ergo I am a bitch.

Cue nasty rant and sulking from dp all Sunday. Yet again I am controlling, I have issues with him going out. His displays of contempt ranged from: ignoring me and scrolling through his phone when I was standing right in front of him, shutting the door in my face when I was talking, refusing to have breakfast with me, refusing to come out on our planned walk (then relenting when I begged him not to ruin the day, and coming out but shouting at me in the street, sneering at my tears, threatening to go home.)

Context: dp has after work drinks at least once a week, he spent Xmas at his family’s house, he had 5 trips away last year without me, he works away for 4 day stints every other month, we meet up with his family at least monthly, he’s going to a family event next Friday/Saturday, he goes on a big night out (which writes off the whole next day with hangover) probably monthly. He actually has a very independent life and I am very used to being on my own. I do all our housework except washing up. I do all our admin. I have planned our wedding.

I feel terrible that he thinks I’m controlljng. I don’t know what to do differently. As in the case of this weekend with the present for him and his brother, I never would have expected to be accused of being controlling. I can’t get it out of my head and I feel so rubbish. Keep thinking about dps contemptuous face and the door slamming in my face. I feel like I could be the perfect cool girlfriend and it would never be enough for dp. He never tells me when he will be home, he always gets smashed when he drinks (and nasty when he’s drunk, or otherwise way ott affectionate- sometimes from one minute to the next).

He says he loves me but why does it feel so fucking awful right now.

you may find these useful OP
www.youtube.com/channel/UCge1h5fEmC4sU1fN6TgevIA/videos

But then it’s back down to earth with a bump when the second I challenge him it goes to shit

^^ This. This tells you exactly who and what he is. As long as you're compliant, he's fine. As soon as you think for your self, he's not.

Please don't marry this man.

So sorry you went through that OP, he sounds like an extremely insecure attention seeker. You were ill but he turned it around to make it about him and his problems, and then the apologising. None of it sounds genuine, it's manipulation.

which I now can’t believe I did.. I should have told him where to go

Don't worry about that. You reacted the way he has conditioned you to react. Not your fault. Now you are away from the high stress situation of him shouting at you and flipping his mood your brain goes "hang on a sec..."

Gone to work now and just feel pretty numb. Before I left he came out and said he felt so guilty and was asking if I still love him, has he ruined it etc. That he would be feeling shit all day unless I gave him these reassurances. This has happened before but I have never seen so clearly that even when he’s done really wrong I am meant to make it/him better, that he doesn’t but have to do anything afterwards to make amends except try and make me feel sorry for him. Which I don’t. I cant believe what happened last night. It was just crazy. I feel too embarrassed about it to tell people irl which is why I’m back on my thread. I feel ashamed I got so upset and acted the way he wanted (but working on that feeling!) And I feel embarrassed that I am engaged to someone who is mistreating me.
Can anyone suggest how I begin to prepare myself to end this. Mentally mostly. I have an awful fear of being left/being alone and that will take a while to unpick but I need to do differently this time, I need to take a stand for myself and mean it. I don’t want to be won round by the nice act. I really want to retain how I feel right now.
Lots to think about today.

Good luck, Melandre

melandre it's painful but very relieving to have the scales drop from your eyes. to see clearer why these things are happening.
the suicidal feelings, very convenient, to hoover you back in, poor little snow flake.
mentally, Other then the logistics of separating, I would think the hardest thing is to uninvite people to the wedding that won't be happening. You will feel embarrassed & stupid. Don't be, everyone understands that it's better not to marry if you have realized its not the right person. (whatever the story behind it)
You should tell your closest friends & family, you may discover that it's a huge relief to them. Make it real.

...ignoring me and scrolling through his phone when I was standing right in front of him, shutting the door in my face when I was talking

This alone rang alarm bells in my head. My ex husband used to do this months before leaving me for another woman. Friends admitted to me once he'd left that they could see his contempt for me a mile off but I was too blind to see it.

Please take heed of all the advice you've been given on this thread. This man is manipulative and certainly does not respect you but I'm sure you're not to blame for his appalling behaviour.

Op I 'forgot' and forgave toxic behaviour over many years. Aside from having kids together, I am a naturally forgiving and empathetic person. As soon as he was being nice I would forget it and go back to normal. What I did when I decided for the last time was I wrote myself a long email detailing everything I could remember about his behaviour. With lots of examples. So whenever I wavered over the following months, I'd reread the list and I kept adding to it as I remembered. It really helped.

Also, be brutally honest with your close friends and family. I was and it helps.

The street bit resonated with me about an ex.

Don't marry him.

This voice keeps telling me, he’s a lovely guy

I suspect if you listen to that voice, you will realise it is his.

It literally disgusts me that he clearly got something out of seeing me crying and begging

He sounds so much like my XP.

He was such a lovely guy too

Except for the time he tried to suffocate me, but of course that was all a misunderstanding, and I was just being dramatic, and anyway I shouldn't have spoken to him like that.....

I’ve been there and what worked for me was writing down a list of all the times I was manipulated, put down and made to feel worthless. If I wavered I looked at it and asked myself if I wanted to live like that for the next however many years. Good luck. Be strong 💐

I just feel like my own stupid brain always tries to persuade me that I’m not seeing clearly, that it is my fault. That I created these awful outcomes and they could have been avoided if I hadn’t said anything or had just been more calm. Like yesterday if I hadn’t snapped at him. It wasn’t a great thing to do but I was sick and knackered and he was oblivious about doing anything to help, as usual. But my punishment surely shouldn’t have been getting threatened with leaving. He has often played that card. Conveniently he always dangles that he will go to his brothers, nearby. It always goes the same way, with me begging him not to. And after when he says he didn’t mean it I feel so manipulated and angry, but then I think- I’ve driven him to it, I’m difficult to live with, I’ve brought this on myself. It’s crippling. I’m slowly trying to believe fully that you can’t cahse abusive behaviour, it is the choice of the abusive person. The suicidal thing he said was another red herring- I don’t know what to say. What I wanted to say was, if your mental health is so bad currently when we have a big disposable income, no kids, your job is pretty stress free and we are engaged and “happy”, what will it be like when we add a baby or a bereavement or money worries? I feel like he is emotionally draining. And I feel sick of everything I do and am, not being enough.

Thankyou all so much for your support on here. It’s pulling me through today while I work out the words to say, to others.

It’s good that you’re realising how damaging this situation is for you. I hope you have the strength to leave.

Well done OP. Just read through the thread and so impressed by the way you’ve taken on board peoples advice and experiences.

Advice- when I split from abusive ex, I had wanted to for months but was very scared. In the end waited until I somehow had the confidence/strength- not sure where it came from, not from any one incident but just being so sick of feeling trapped with someone who treated me like shit. I split from him a day I was due to meet family, so had somewhere to stay until he moved out and also called my best friend to tell her. It did sort of feel like a bereavement at first, maybe for what I desperately had wanted but didn’t actually have with the man. Took ages for me to fully realise how much he’d crushed my confidence and independence. But it has been amazing getting it back.

So I advise think about what you will want to happen practically for the split- if you want to stay in your home or go stay with family for a week or so, how anything else will be sorted. Then you will know more what will happen after you split, and it will be less anxiety inducing.
Don’t marry this man, you sound lovely and I am sure you will meet someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated before too long.

Re the suicidal thoughts - this is highly emotive but try to hold your line on this. Ask him what help he’s getting for this. Give him the number for Samaritans. Suggest he goes to see a counsellor. Only he can address his mental health issues - with the best will in the world you cannot possibly fix it or be held responsible for it.

You can find the strength to leave OP. A life without abuse and misery is just around the corner, and you can and will build your own life up again, just as you did before.

Happiness is close enough to touch, you just have to take a deep breath and rid yourself of this nasty man. Good luck.

After my ex h swore at me and told me that all of his friends pitied him because no one liked me I remember phoning a friend in tears asking if that was normal because I had become so used to the criticism I couldn’t tell what was him being an arse or me being actually not good enough anymore. It totally fucks with your head. Be strong. It is him not you!

I also think, he is entitled to leave if he wants, but then- maybe he doesn’t really want to, he just wants to use it as a means of control. And that’s wrong. It’s hurtful to constantly threaten leaving. It constantly puts me on the back foot and in panic mode where I want to make everything better.
I don’t think he is an evil guy, I really think he is too immature for an adult relationship and that he has a lot of emotional hangover from his family issues (a whole other thing). I don’t think that this can work. I’ve tried so, so hard but I can’t be less than I am. I just can’t. And actually he would rather that I was.

I want to ask for some space. Paradoxically I actually wish he would go to his brothers. I need space and I need to make this real. I don’t want to talk to him in person as I won’t be able to go through with it. I just want him to give me some space.

Is it your home ? Tell him "you need to go your brothers, I want some time alone"
Then just watch at what speed he offers flowers, apologies, grovels, this is the cycle of abuse, it ALWAYS goes like this as he will back track
Don't fall for it, it is s game abusers play

I also think, he is entitled to leave if he wants, but then- maybe he doesn’t really want to, he just wants to use it as a means of control. And that’s wrong. It’s hurtful to constantly threaten leaving. It constantly puts me on the back foot and in panic mode where I want to make everything better.

And you are also entitled to end the relationship and tell him to leave, whether he wants to or not. He is using it as a means of control.
I wish I had told my ex to leave a couple of years ago but he had me just where he wanted and was very manipulative.
It is very hard to get out then - I thought the relationship was wonderful but he was playing me.

He really is vile. You did a lovely thing buying him the tickets to the exhibition thing for him and his brother and he just turned it all back on you. Even if he'd stayed longer drinking with his brother afterwards, that might have been ok if he had messaged you to thank you for the treat and that he'd be home later than planned, sorry etc. But no - he then spends the whole of Sunday being vile.

Do you want to be with this man? Not really?
What is your plan? What is the situation with the house? Who owns it or is it rented?
Can you tell him to leave? You are ending the relationship as it is not working for you. Or can you go somewhere else and leave him?

I just feel like my own stupid brain always tries to persuade me that I’m not seeing clearly, that it is my fault. That I created these awful outcomes and they could have been avoided if I hadn’t said anything or had just been more calm. Like yesterday if I hadn’t snapped at him.

You perhaps shouldn't have snapped at him. But him kicking off in the way he did was entirely HIS FAULT. He CHOSE TO DO THAT. He chose to cause all that upset and misery. Not you.

By all means try to be a better person: but don't blame yourself for his bad behaviours. You're not to blame for anything here.

I would ask him to go to his brother's for a while, and see what happens.

when you snap, when you react instinctively, when it's a knee jerk reaction, a gut reaction this is outside of your conscious control
it happens because you've been 'triggered' and he knows how to trigger you, he presses a button, you react, you can't help it
It takes a lot of work, a lot of hard thinking, there are areas where your unconscious has been programmed and when your conscious mind tries to go there your unconscious resists

I hope this makes sense, you have been programmed, it takes a lot to break out of the programming you have to think thoughts that your unconscious doesn't want you to think