Why do I feel so awful

[Melandre]

I’ll try and keep this short.

For Xmas I bought dp tickets to an exhibition and talk about his hobby. He also shares this hobby with his db and while I thought the exhibition etc sounded quite interesting, I offered the extra ticket to dp’s db as they haven’t spent the day together without partners in ages and I knew they’d both really enjoy it. This was on Saturday. Waved them off at noon knowing they’d go for a drink after it finished (around 5). Dp and I had plans to chat about our wedding planning that evening.

Dp is not home til 11pm, absolutely rolling drunk. Around 9pm I tentatively asked for his eta which had not been forthcoming. From then on it was nasty texts “why are you being difficult about me spending time with my brother”/“you’re controlling”/“you don’t let me spend time with my family and friends”. He also had a drunken rant at me on the phone. The next morning he was a little apologetic but I told him straight that’s I’d been disappointed he hadn’t kept in touch and a vague eta would have just been courteous (it wasn’t my ideal to end up spending my Saturday evening in front of Netflix) He then was angrily telling me that he and his brother had bee having gone very important conversation about the brothers “mental health issues” (which I didn’t know about). Ergo I am a bitch.

Cue nasty rant and sulking from dp all Sunday. Yet again I am controlling, I have issues with him going out. His displays of contempt ranged from: ignoring me and scrolling through his phone when I was standing right in front of him, shutting the door in my face when I was talking, refusing to have breakfast with me, refusing to come out on our planned walk (then relenting when I begged him not to ruin the day, and coming out but shouting at me in the street, sneering at my tears, threatening to go home.)

Context: dp has after work drinks at least once a week, he spent Xmas at his family’s house, he had 5 trips away last year without me, he works away for 4 day stints every other month, we meet up with his family at least monthly, he’s going to a family event next Friday/Saturday, he goes on a big night out (which writes off the whole next day with hangover) probably monthly. He actually has a very independent life and I am very used to being on my own. I do all our housework except washing up. I do all our admin. I have planned our wedding.

I feel terrible that he thinks I’m controlljng. I don’t know what to do differently. As in the case of this weekend with the present for him and his brother, I never would have expected to be accused of being controlling. I can’t get it out of my head and I feel so rubbish. Keep thinking about dps contemptuous face and the door slamming in my face. I feel like I could be the perfect cool girlfriend and it would never be enough for dp. He never tells me when he will be home, he always gets smashed when he drinks (and nasty when he’s drunk, or otherwise way ott affectionate- sometimes from one minute to the next).

He says he loves me but why does it feel so fucking awful right now.

Take note of his ACTIONS not his words.

What is stopping you leaving?

Are you waiting to be given permission to leave by anyone? If so, who? Him, yourself? You DON'T need permission. Pack a bag and go. Send a (burly male) friend to get the rest of your stuff later on. Give yourself the chance of a better life without him in it. He can control someone else but not you! Why are you putting up with it? He may have anxiety but so do a lot of people and it doesn't make them contemptuous.

Why are you with him?
The good times sound few and far between.
This is a sign of what your life will be like with him.

Oh lovely. You sound like a sweet, considerate and loving girlfriend. He sounds like an abusive and controlling wanker already and you're not eve married nor tied to him in any way. Please leave. He won't see the light etc and he'll make any woman's life a misery.

Marry this man at your peril

I wouldn't want to marry him after what you've said. It will result in constant walking on eggshells and him punishing you with his silent treatment.

I guarantee these issues will only get worse. If you still want to get married, I'd suggest pre marriage counselling.

Don't stay with him out of fear of being alone. Don't stay because you feel you've invested so much time. You'll only regret it.

Make a list of qualities you'd want in a husband and the type of personality you'd want with a life partner.

Is it him?

I always read posts like this where the women say "he doesn't realise...". He's a grown adult, you get to "not realise" something once, not time and time again. If I didn't realise something at work and got told about it, I'd bloody well be expected to realise the next time or I'd be in trouble - I'm sure these adult men are the same.

No, they're choosing not to do whatever it is. They know they upset women, wake them up, make a mess, neglect their children or whatever, they just don't care.

It’s easy to think the problem is me. DP’s individualist attitude has led me to resent a bit when he goes out because I know itll always be open ended, he will always get embarrassing drunk (and angry if you mention he does this— even though he a d the rest of his family don’t condone their own DM drinking alcohol “because she can’t handle it”), if I say anything I’m controlling. I don’t think I am controlling. I don’t think me getting upset at his treatment is a “form of control” (also his words). I don’t think that “debating” (ie. standing up for myself) means i don’t deserve to be heard. I don’t think dp has any idea what an adult relationship is like. His last and only other relationship (not live in, and semi long distance) was with a student between her ages of 18-21 (he is a fair bit older than this). I feel like I am held up to some cool wife standard. Maybe that’s why I didn’t ask when he was coming home until 9pm. Maybe that’s why on Sunday morning I begged him to stop being so nasty and I apologised for having said anything. I feel SO ashamed of being so weak like that in hindsight but in the moment he can make me feel so awful.
I know I need to sort this out.

Make sure you do. Too often we see people SAY that, then a few weeks later they are back here again with the same issues. Then six months later back again. Then a year later. Don't be one of those. Be one of those who decides they aren't going to be treated like shit and want something better from their lives.

I don't think you're controlling, he is gaslighting you. It shouldn't be this hard OP, it sounds like you're putting up with shitty behaviour because you want the relationship to work so badly. His drinking and treatment of you are HUGE red flags. Whatever you do, do not marry him and do not get involved with him financially. He will only get worse once you are married. I hope you can find the strength to leave, you deserve better than this.

Do not marry this man. If he’s like this before you’re married it’s going to be far worse when you are. He’s acting like a manipulative man child. Tentatively asking for an eta is not controlling and to then treat you like that is disgusting. Leave whilst it’s easier. I know it’s easier said than done. I made the mistake of carrying on to get married and got shouted at all the time, told how all of his friends pitied him because I was such a controlling bitch, how apparently I cheated (although I hadn’t), escalating up and up until one day it turned physical. Which was the wake up I needed. So much happier now with my lovely partner of 4.5 years.

This is how he repays you for your very generous gift to him and his brother.

It would be one thing if he 'lost perspective' when he was pissed - no excuse! Plus how do meds and booze work? - but he continued it the next day+.

Nope. Not a good man I'm afraid. Sorry op

All he had to do was message you and say he was going to stay out for a while as he was having a heart to heart with his brother, there was no need for him to behave the way he did. He is blaming you for his behaviour when actually his behaviour and reactions in this situation are not normal at all. You don't need to do anything differently except get out of this relationship. Can you get some space from him? Stay somewhere else for a bit? That would give you time to think xx

Haven't read the whole thread but what stands out to me is why are you alone so much? Why are you in watching Netflix on a Saturday night if not by choice? I think you need to invest in friendships a bit more. Your relationship with your partner shouldn't be the only one you invest in. To be honest I think if I were him I'd feel a bit suffocated as you seem to rely on him for all of your free time activities.

"I hang on so hard to his good moments and how he can be but sometimes think that they’re just a manipulation".

Yes it is and your mistake too has been hanging onto those (in the forlorn hope that he will go back to how he was in his first year). He targeted you and deliberately so; he knew about and sensed your low self esteem and decided to use that further against you for his own ends (i.e. to abuse and further gaslight you). Abusers do not all walk around with abuser written on their forehead and they can be nice sometimes. He used this first year to further sucker you in and now you are well and truly over invested.

You cannot and should not marry him.

Moomin he did say that at 9pm, about 2 hours after he was due home and only when prompted by me. He said he “might” be home before midnight. When I (in frustration) said “I didn’t realise it was going to be such a late one”, that was what kicked him off with the nastiness and accusations. It felt like a fait accompli. I had no idea about his brother’s apparent depression and I felt like being emotionally blackmailed into not reacting to something that was frustrating and disappointing. As it happens his brother has a very generous partner who financially supported both of them for 3 years while he sat around and let her work FT and do everything round the house. He has only recently got a job. Needless to say I have short shrift for his “mental health issues” as an excuse for yet another very drunken session.

You deserve better from your relationships Melandre, you really do.
What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Some stuff may well have to be unlearnt here through counselling.

I maintain you were targeted and deliberately so by this person who could and has read you like a book here. What he has done and continues to do is deliberate in intent. Look at his family of origin OP: they are very much the same. Many red flags re those people too.

also to pp above- I would have made plans with my sister or my best friend on Saturday if I’d known I would be on my own but I was looking forward to a much needed wedding catch-up with dp who never has the energy/whatever otherwise.
I am very close to my family and one or two people but I have 2 jobs on weekdays, so I don’t tend to get the socialising opportunities dp does, his work is very trendy and sociable. I don’t want him to feel suffocated which is why I have been ok with him going off and doing all the things i mentioned in my op.

So.... what are you actually going to DO?

Been there, lost all self esteem, regularly told I was in the wrong. After 4 years of being manipulated into thinking I was the controlling one, and almost commiting to marriage etc, he hit me.
He also regularly called me a psycho when I accused him of cheating as he was away so often (found condoms in his bag once, he said he had serious concerns about my mental health for questioning him!?).

Turns out I was right and he had slept with numerous women the whole way through our relationship. It ended when he hit me but I can't believe I put up with 4 years of verbal and mental abuse which felt just as bad. The 1st year was a dream by the way so I always clung on to that.

I'm now very happily married to an amazing man who treats me like a princess.
You WILL find someone better OP. Please leave this horrific life drainer!!!

You'll regret marrying him.

Don't do it just because you want a wedding day and all the planning and special things that go along with it. Plan yourself something else.

Please don't bring kids into this shit. Run

I think you were unrealistic not to realise that he wasn't going to be home until late. If DH headed off to something with a friend for the afternoon, there's have to be a very specific reason for him to be home (and wedding planning wouldn't be it) so from that perspective, I think you would have been better off just assuming you wouldn't see him and make plans accordingly.

HOWEVER< everything else is him being a complete twat. Even if you were being a bit silly to expect him home at a certain tie, the screaming, sulking and general mayhem he is causing, including all the name calling simply isn't on and I'd be seriously questioning whether this is a man I want to be with long term.

Yes, bling. This is the thing. It’s easy for me to think maybe I was being controlling or arsey. Dp specifically said they were gonna have 1 or 2 to discuss the stag do but that we would have an evening together (lots of travelling over last 3 weeks has meant it wa the first weekend at home). Maybe I was unrealistic though. I could have made plans and I’m sure it would’ve been fine with him. I just didn’t and it was too late by Saturday eve. Honestly I am always knackered at the weekends which is not great I lnow. I know the Sunday stuff could’ve been avoided if I didn’t say anything about him being inconsiderate. I just couldn’t help it

You are not controlling, OP. You are asking for him to treat you reasonably, and he is responding to that by abusing you and blaming you for his own abusive behaviours. He's a nightmare. He is abusive, he is controlling. Not you.

He is not going to stop doing this. He is likely to get worse and worse the longer you're together. You'd be far better off without him in your life.

This is NOT your fault. You aren't being controlling, you are with a bully who will berate you and sulk until you believe it is your fault and try even harder to let his shitty behaviour go. Of course he is nice sometimes. ALL abusive men are. Otherwise no-one would stay with them.

I know you don't want to hear it, it's much easier to internalise that it was your fault and you just need to try harder not to upset him next time. You know he can be lovely, you just need to find the right way to behave all the time to keep him sweet. Except you can't. Trust me. Whatever you do will never quite be good enough, and you'll end up an anxious mess waiting for the next time you accidentally trigger a tantrum.

The good news is that most men aren't like this. Most will stick to plans they've made or be apologetic when things change and tell you that they'll be late. They won't scare you and look at you like they hate you. They'll be kind and respectful and do their best to make you happy. But you can only meet one of those men if you bin this loser off.