Why do I feel so awful

[Melandre]

I’ll try and keep this short.

For Xmas I bought dp tickets to an exhibition and talk about his hobby. He also shares this hobby with his db and while I thought the exhibition etc sounded quite interesting, I offered the extra ticket to dp’s db as they haven’t spent the day together without partners in ages and I knew they’d both really enjoy it. This was on Saturday. Waved them off at noon knowing they’d go for a drink after it finished (around 5). Dp and I had plans to chat about our wedding planning that evening.

Dp is not home til 11pm, absolutely rolling drunk. Around 9pm I tentatively asked for his eta which had not been forthcoming. From then on it was nasty texts “why are you being difficult about me spending time with my brother”/“you’re controlling”/“you don’t let me spend time with my family and friends”. He also had a drunken rant at me on the phone. The next morning he was a little apologetic but I told him straight that’s I’d been disappointed he hadn’t kept in touch and a vague eta would have just been courteous (it wasn’t my ideal to end up spending my Saturday evening in front of Netflix) He then was angrily telling me that he and his brother had bee having gone very important conversation about the brothers “mental health issues” (which I didn’t know about). Ergo I am a bitch.

Cue nasty rant and sulking from dp all Sunday. Yet again I am controlling, I have issues with him going out. His displays of contempt ranged from: ignoring me and scrolling through his phone when I was standing right in front of him, shutting the door in my face when I was talking, refusing to have breakfast with me, refusing to come out on our planned walk (then relenting when I begged him not to ruin the day, and coming out but shouting at me in the street, sneering at my tears, threatening to go home.)

Context: dp has after work drinks at least once a week, he spent Xmas at his family’s house, he had 5 trips away last year without me, he works away for 4 day stints every other month, we meet up with his family at least monthly, he’s going to a family event next Friday/Saturday, he goes on a big night out (which writes off the whole next day with hangover) probably monthly. He actually has a very independent life and I am very used to being on my own. I do all our housework except washing up. I do all our admin. I have planned our wedding.

I feel terrible that he thinks I’m controlljng. I don’t know what to do differently. As in the case of this weekend with the present for him and his brother, I never would have expected to be accused of being controlling. I can’t get it out of my head and I feel so rubbish. Keep thinking about dps contemptuous face and the door slamming in my face. I feel like I could be the perfect cool girlfriend and it would never be enough for dp. He never tells me when he will be home, he always gets smashed when he drinks (and nasty when he’s drunk, or otherwise way ott affectionate- sometimes from one minute to the next).

He says he loves me but why does it feel so fucking awful right now.

Melandre

re your comment:-
"I can honestly say I’ve never been able to make a success of a relationship".

What did you yourself learn about relationships when you were growing up, what example did your parents show you?. You do not have to answer but that question is something you should give serious consideration too in the long term and after you have given your abuser the boot. You are now 30, you do not want to be abused at the age of 31 either!. It is not too late for you at all. The voice that tells you that he is a lovely guy needs to be silenced, your brain, eyes and ears are telling you differently. You have also achieved something that is rarely achieved on many threads; you have consensus re this man and we have all agreed he is abusive towards you. Do not let the sunken costs fallacy here play a part too in you making poor relationship decisions re him. He needs to go and you need to rebuild your life and have a life free of his abuses of you.

What is so bad exactly about being on your own?. And you are scared of being alone; you are alone really within this relationship because your abuser is also giving you spaghetti head. Deal with your fear of being alone properly and through counselling.

Most of the people on here have lived it, at least once, so they recognise the signs. They don’t hang around the board trying to break up relationships for spite. They are trying to pass on the benefit of experience. Just look back at your own words. He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t even appear to like you. He leaves you alone all the time. He’s lazy and expects you to pick up after him. He doesn’t like you talking back. He sounds like the sort of person you’d cross the road to avoid. Why would you want to tie yourself to him for life?

You sound a lot like my SIL. And as a result, she's now in a relationship, with DC, with a man who isn't worth a fraction of her. She convinced herself (helped by her family - but that's a whole different thread) that she was the reason every relationship broke down and that she just needed to suck up her issues as they were all HERs and in no way the fault of the man involved. It's really sad. Please don't do this to yourself. Rather spend time thinking about why you can't find men who make you happy and work on what you can do to ensure you are attracted to the right kind of man in the future.

You've had great advice on this thread OP, I hope you find the strength to act on it. I know how hard it is to see the red flags when you're in the midst of it but it speaks volumes how many of us can see them just from what you've posted. It really isn't you, it's him and you can't fix/change him, this is how he will be for the duration of your relationship. So the question is how long will you put up with it? How much more time will you waste on him?

Please do not marry this fuckwit.
I have recently split with my ex. I thought the relationship was wonderful etc etc and he did "so much for me" and we "had great times" etcetc blah blah.
BUT he did exactly the same thing as yours. When out socializing he would never let me know if I was going to be late. All I wanted was a quick text to say he was having a drink with workmates or the evening was going on longer than planned. I did not want to STOP him doing anything. But he used to say I was "controlling" and I became paranoid about it. He showed me absolutely no respect at all. He convinced me that his behaviour was normal and that I was "expecting too much".
He'd then show up rolling drunk after I'd been sitting and waiting for him to come. I couldn't understand why HE couldn't understand that if he'd arranged to do something with me at 6 pm and then he didn't turn up without sending a message, I'd be sitting around clocking. He'd say "You could have done something else. Why do you sit around waiting? Go out".

I now realize it wasn't that he couldn't understand the effect his behaviour was having on me, he just didn't give a fuck. He was having a good time with his mates and good little gf should stay at home and clean the house and not saying anything.

Feel a hell of a lot better without him even though sometimes I miss the good times.

Please get rid of this fucker. He didn't show up to talk about the wedding as you'd have planned so he's not serious about it and he is the controlling twat not you.

If you were my daughter, and I promise that I’m old enough to be your mum, I would be so so worried about you.

Please do not continue with this relationship, and certainly do NOT marry this man as he will make your life a misery.

I called off two engagements when I was young, both last minute and both for similar reasons. I came to my senses and realised that whatever efforts I had put into the relationship it was never going to be enough.

I’ve been married now for over 30 years to my lovely OH and he is my best friend, supports me and trusts my judgement.

Don’t fall for the sunk costs fallacy, find someone better...

Do not marry this man
Do not have a child with this man
Do not join finances with this man
What he did on Sunday is just the beginning, of abusing & diminishing you.
Gas lighting by saying you are controlling is bollox, it sounds you are so worried about upsetting him, you even question yourself.
Does he like your friends ? Do you limit seeing them ?
Please, listen to a few of us who know about abuse. Ditch this loser,

Btw, what did He get You for Xmas ?

what if he does feel controlled? I would honestly hate to think I’d made someone feel like that.

How about this:

If you being yourself in a relationship leads to him feeling controlled
Then I put it to you, that you are not compatible.

Honestly OP it's not meant to be this difficult.
You're meant to just get along with each other, you're meant to add to each others' lives.
If he can't stand you not being ok with being left at home with no eta, then why not set him free to find some woman who is fine with that sort of thing?

I guarantee you it's not that difficult to find a man who will give you an eta and come home at a reasonable hour and not be nasty to you when he has had a drink. It;s REALLY not meant to be this way. Honestly, truly.

"I can honestly say I’ve never been able to make a success of a relationship".

What is your measure of success for a relationship though?

Have you considered that ALL relationships end?

Some people have the fortune/misfortune of having their relationships ended by death. Everyone else - the relationships end because they don't work anymore, for whatever reason.

Are you honestly measuring success as "we weren't together until we died"? because again... I put it to you that you are being slightly U, if so.

You're 30. You've had some relationships. They have ended. That is literally THE most normal thing in the world. I am 35 - all my relationships have ended! The one I am in currently will end as well. Maybe because one of us dies - maybe because it stops working. But it will end.

My dp has had more relationships than me (I was long term married, he was doing the usual 2-4 year long relationship thing). Those relationships have all ended as well. Does that make him a failure??

I really wonder if you are as much of a failure as you imagine! I think you are shockingly ordinary in this regard, really!!

*Why do I feel so awful??
*
Because you're living with a very selfish/thoughtless/cruel man who disregards your feelings... As many PP's have pointed out...

And he HAS shown you exactly who he is - do you REALLY want a lifetime of this?? Why would you shackle yourself to such a boorish/inconsiderate/disrespectful man??

You'll truly be dodging a bullet if you call it quits now...

Bit of an update. I got sick at work this afternoon with a condition I have on and off. Today was especially bad and I was panicky about it. Came home feeling rubbish and got into bed. He thought I had the hump because I was dozing in bed, and didnt speak to me, just flounced off to his computer. I got up to sort myself some dinner, an hour or so later. He said he would have done that, I snapped “wel you didn’t did you?”
This kicked him off. He got his shoes and coat, told me he was leaving to go to his brothers. I don’t communicate, I should tell him what I need, he’s sick of us, we aren’t working. I was so shocked at this anger and huge revelations from him out of nowhere that I burst into tears (yes, not proud of this.) he said what’s wrong with you, can’t you do anything without crying. I just flipped and was begging him not to leave. I was so panicked, it just tapped into some part of me (that he knows about) fromchildhood when my EA dad used to threaten to leave us all the time. He let me panic like that for a while before telling me he had never said he wanted to break up. Then started saying this was all about his anxiety and that it wasn’t really about me/us at all. That he had been feeling suicidal, that he was in such a bad place. I can honestly say I was reeling. I just felt, so confused and shocked by the turn of events. He started apologising saying how shit he was and I was just like...... no idea what to say. What was all that about? Shaken.
Do you know what? I think tonight was the kick up the arse I needed. I needed one anyway, but I don’t know what just happened. Me being unwell turned into him threatening me, trying to control me back into line, watching me panic as if he got something out of it.
I can’t live like that.
I won’t.

@Melandre hope you get over your illness. It is a good job you realise now.

He is hideous he really is.
You need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible.
Is he still there or has he gone to his brother's?

It’s been said on here many times but bears repeating: how they behave when you’re ill is a huge tell. Abusers hate it because you need more from them and contribute less. Mine was barely able to conceal his fury when I was sick (think bringing me up a drink but slamming it down on the bedside table so it spilt). Sorry you’ve had a shit day. Hope tomorrow is better.

For the first time I feel like he really is actually unstable and I don’t know what is going on in his head. I feel really angry that he just put me through that.
I told him to give me space so he is in the spare room. I’m reeling. The adrenaline is wearing off and now I feel rotten and drained but still ANGRY. This cannot go on.

Start telling people in real life what he’s really like. It will do you good to offload, and once other people know, it will be harder for you to sweep these sorts of incidents under the carpet. Abuse thrives in the dark.

Spare room? No, tell him to fuck off to his brother's like he planned.

God he's a nasty piece of shit. He knows exactly what buttons to press to hit you where it hurts and get you to beg him to stay. What a cunt he is. You're worth a million of him.

I used to tell my ex, who sounds very similar to your fuckwit, that I didn't believe in marriage and didn't want children. In fact , all I've ever been sure of in my life is that some day I wanted to get married and have children. What I meant was, I didn't want them with him. Even when he was in the nice part of the cycle, I still knew I didn't want to marry him. I would try and visualise my wedding and try as I might I couldn't imagine him in the place of the groom. I'm now very happily married to a kind and gentle man and we have our gorgeous children - don't get stuck believing he's the best you can do. There are millions of decent men out there. He's not one of them.

You don't need his permission to leave and I would bet my last £ that he will not break up with you. He absolutely loves what he's doing to you.

We're all trying to show you the dots and now you are starting to join them up and understand what they mean

it's amazing how when someone explains all these techniques to you suddenly it all becomes clear it's like a magic eye picture isn't it

It literally disgusts me that he clearly got something out of seeing me crying and begging him to stay (which I now can’t believe I did.. I should have told him where to go. As pp said he pushed my buttons)
It feels so huge to break up after everything but tonight just snapped something in me.
This post is really helping me keep my focus.

Be kind to yourself. You only posted here today and it’s a lot to take in. Leaving an abusive man is a process: it often takes a few goes. It is harder to leave an abusive partner than a non abusive one, for various reasons, some of which were outlined above. This is what people fail to understand when they say ‘why don’t these women just leave?’

So you came home from work very ill, and he has made it all about him? Hmm.

Aside from everything else, do you really want to be with someone who is anxious and suicidal?

Doesn't sound like a fun life to me. Sounds shit.

You're only 30, plenty of time to find someone easier going and fun.

I'd withdraw right now. Just avoid him for a bit. You don't have to say why. Have a busy week with friends etc. If he asks what's wrong, just say nothing is wrong, but distance yourself. Also, next time he goes out, do not text or call him, or ask for an eta. Go off the grid. Let him wonder why you don't care what time he gets home. You are always on the back foot. Take control.

He is manipulating you.
You are miserable in this relationship.
Leave him.

He's the one that's controlling.
Your op has so many red flags it's just a biiiig roll of red fabric.

Ooh, lots of posts didn't load.

I only just saw this afternoon's update.

You have your answer right there.

He's being manipulative and controlling, which hits a raw nerve because of your dad.
And if you were the controlling one he wouldn't tell.you because he'd be too scared to.

You need to leave as soon as you can, before he gets violent.