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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wife isn't attracted or in love with me anymore, any way back?

84 replies

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:11

Hello everyone, so it's as simple & devastating as the title suggests, my wife told me in June she hadn't been happy with our marriage since January, we had a bit of a break, seemed to sort things out and have since had another 2-3 breaks. We've been together 14 years, married 4, the current break has been since December 28th when she told me she isn't attracted or in love with me, we have 2 kids 2&4 and I idolise the 3 of them. I asked if there's someone else and she said there isn't, I'm the only person she's been with and I'm totally lost now. We tried a weekend away & got on so well, it wasn't a "dirty weekend" as I'm scared to touch her tbh as I don't want to come across as pushy. Has anyone recovered from a similar situation or should I just accept it, look for a place to live & start divorce proceedings?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 14/01/2019 04:24

And I'm really sorry you're going through this. It fucking sucks.

m0vinf0rward · 14/01/2019 05:58

There's another man... pretty much guaranteed, or at least if she's not actually cheating she had her head turned by someone and is seriously thinking about it.

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 07:55

She is adamant there's no one else & I really believe her, I hope I'm right to believe her cause that would crush me. Today's the day I file for divorce I think.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 08:07

If this was a female poster

a) no one would have asked the question about weight and suggested working out several times a week
b) at least two thirds of the replies would say there's another person involved

File today. Even if there isn't another man, she's been pissing you about over this.

Changedname3456 · 14/01/2019 08:40

Does your wife work?

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 09:00

Yes she does, she drops the kids to school & goes to work, I finish work & pick the kids up.

OP posts:
FlipF · 14/01/2019 09:30

Sorry to hear you are going through this. She is being very unfair.

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 09:33

I feel like this is one of them situations that when it's over I'll think to myself, why did I let her treat me like that for so long, but in the moment it seems rational to me especially for the kids sake

OP posts:
tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 14/01/2019 09:37

Hi OP I'm really sorry your going though this. I think your wife's being very cruel and selfish.
A very dear friend of mine was in a very similar situation recently with DH who she had been with since they were in their teens. He was adamant there was no one else and she believed him. Turns out he'd been having an on/off affair for three years and was virtually living a double life. Please be careful as I think when we still love someone and want to protect our kids from hurt our brains will try and shelter us from shit truths as we desperately want to believe that person is being honest.

NotTheFordType · 14/01/2019 09:43

@ShatnersWig

a) I don't think you can extrapolate "if this was a woman...." on the basis of one pissy post out of dozens.
b) Well statistically men are more likely to cheat, but yes I agree that everyone is trying to spare OP's feelings by not saying she's blatantly got someone else either on the go or on her mind.

Or maybe, since the vast majority of posters are women, we're simply going from our own relationship histories and remembering the times when we left because we were unhappy and not because we'd cheated (and hopefully with a lot better behaviour than OP's STBX)

dilly123 · 14/01/2019 10:02

Since you mentioned her not being happy about your work hours could it be other factors that are getting her down.. such as the balance of financial responsibility & home life.. does she maybe feel you could be working longer hours & earning more money? Does her job have to bridge any financial gap this creates?

I'm just saying this as I strongly feel it was outside pressures that made me push away my exh.. PND & having a very poorly child halfway through our marriage changed our home/work life hugely & my sadness over the situation manifested itself in me resenting him, pushing him away.. the ultimate nail in the coffin was not communicating.. the emotional gap between us became so great the was no way back for us. In hindsight it wasn't him I'd fallen out of love with it was life!!

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 10:08

We both work the same amount of hours & take home roughly the same amount of money, our bills are split down the middle, we pay half each and keep the rest of our money seperate, she's bad with money & always has been, I suggested one or both of us working longer & changing how we deal with our money but she claims this isn't a factor, she simply doesn't have any feelings towards me, she isn't in love or attracted & see's me as a room mate / friend she's raising kids with.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/01/2019 10:09

Have you gained weight? Have you become boring?
Are you really, actually pissed on a train, @pissedonatrain ?

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 10:11

I love how defensive people are getting over that comment lol, trust me after being told after 14 years "I'm not in love or attracted to you" being asked if I'm fat and boring really doesn't compare.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 14/01/2019 10:20

Not defensive, just thoroughly mind-boggled.

Your wife has told you what she wants, i.e. to live together as flatmates. You don't want that, so you're going to have to do what you want, without her permission. You want counselling, of course, but she refuses, so that's not an option. What are the actual options open to you now? How can you start the process, practically?

tellmewhenthespaceshiplands · 14/01/2019 10:21

OP your last post is really sad. She doesn't even sound as if she's your friend Thanks

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 10:33

I'm starting to look into buying her out of the house & starting the divorce ball rolling. I was going to move out again and hope she misses me but we're done, why should I have to sleep out & not see my kids . Tinder here I come... Hopefully the username fat&boring isn't taken!

OP posts:
strawberrisc · 14/01/2019 10:39

Don’t rush into Tinder. You need time on your own and you still love your wife. I made the mistake of being with such a man for nearly five years.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2019 10:41

Well statistically men are more likely to cheat
Nope. Women are better at hiding it.

The Surviving infidelity website has an equal number of betrayed spouses gender wise.

Let's not talk about the number of women who pin a child on their partner following an affair. Women cheat just as much.

SandyY2K · 14/01/2019 10:44

I'll also add that men tend to feel more embarrassed (male pride) when their wife or partner cheats... and don't discuss it as much as women do.

So you're more likely to hear women talk about a cheating spouse.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 10:44

@SandyY2K Yes, I read a statistic that backed you up on this but suggested women were better at not getting caught!

ravenmum · 14/01/2019 10:46

My fat Shock, balding (boring is too subjective to comment) boyfriend broke up with his wife when their daughter was that age, several years back. They have her 50/50, which is really quite practical when you're dating... I know it's crap, but really it's not the end of the world. You might find you blossom, and if you're lucky even end up feeling a tiny bit grateful for the new chance.

Even if there really isn't another man in the wings, tbh if she doesn't feel a connection to you, she really is unlikely to miss you. In my case it was my ex who ended it, but even so, the one thing I did enjoy when he left was having the place to myself.

BrightonTony · 14/01/2019 10:57

Sorry to hear of your troubles, I'm a year out of a not too different situation and it's all worked out amazing - it really could be the best for you.

You can go to Relate on your own. We went as a couple but the skills could've come from 1-on-1 too. Excuse the generalisation but I've found women often don't talk about what upsets them, but choose a related thing to get upset about. Counselling taught me to be more curious. "When you say I don't help around the house is it literally that you want me to do more washing? Or do you feel like I take you for granted? Or feel like I prioritise my time over yours? Maybe you're tired of "just being a mum and wife"?"

It's possible you're being (much) better round the house but still not giving her what she actually needs.

Also I feel worried for you that you're going from one extreme to the other very quickly. From a doormat to divorce in a week. It sounds like you wanted her back a few days ago. Maybe renting for a while would give you the space she needs. You could end up dating again, or just feeling better about it when divorce comes by slowly getting used to your new life.

Original poster
SecretCH · 14/01/2019 11:33

I am finding it hard to stay sane during this & I am going from 1 extreme to another, I'd love for things to work out between us but I don't see it happening, neither of us can afford to rent without some money from selling the house. I hope to buy her out, she is staying out tonight (please no one suggest over her boyfriends house) for the first time and I'm staying home with the kids.

OP posts:
Mountainsoutofmolehills · 14/01/2019 11:39

get on WWs.. get walking.. get a new hobby, whatever it is...

maybe work a job that is more than 5 hrs a day, picking kid up from nursery is helpful but surely ££'s are more helpful... Clean, don't wear tracksuits, make the house immaculate, clean the fridge/freezer, hoover under things, clean the bathroom, do washing, fold, clean the car.. do all the stuff that she asks without nagging............................... get some interests. Be busy. These would be obvious things I would do If I was a man wanting my wife to fancy me..... I'd start by being appreciated. make yourself hot... not 'what an adult should look like'..What does that mean?