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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Wife isn't attracted or in love with me anymore, any way back?

84 replies

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:11

Hello everyone, so it's as simple & devastating as the title suggests, my wife told me in June she hadn't been happy with our marriage since January, we had a bit of a break, seemed to sort things out and have since had another 2-3 breaks. We've been together 14 years, married 4, the current break has been since December 28th when she told me she isn't attracted or in love with me, we have 2 kids 2&4 and I idolise the 3 of them. I asked if there's someone else and she said there isn't, I'm the only person she's been with and I'm totally lost now. We tried a weekend away & got on so well, it wasn't a "dirty weekend" as I'm scared to touch her tbh as I don't want to come across as pushy. Has anyone recovered from a similar situation or should I just accept it, look for a place to live & start divorce proceedings?

OP posts:

Hopoindown31 · 13/01/2019 21:14

Have you had any counselling?

cheesywotnots · 13/01/2019 21:15

Does your wife want a divorce, have you spoken with her about this. Are you both still living in the same house or have you moved out during this break? Sorry you are going through this.

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:19

She is totally shut off to counselling, so I'm not sure if it'd work if I could convince her.
When I mention divorce she says I'm thinking too far ahead, I sleep over my parents house but I don't want the kids noticing anything is up so I don't leave the house for days on end.

OP posts:

Laiste · 13/01/2019 21:20

What reasons has she given as to why she's unhappy with the marriage? Is she saying simply that the physical attraction has gone? There must be more to it than that.

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:25

It started with her saying I didn't pull my weight around the house, I genuinely don't think she seen the things I was doing, for example I work 5 hours a day so I can pick our daughter up from playschool, my wife seen this as me being lazy and not wanting to work. I have since started doing a lot more around the house and she admits I've really changed. I feel the biggest factor is not making time for each other, obviously kids are a massive commitment but we rarely do anything together, we'll go out drinking with friends but rarely do anything together.

OP posts:

RLOU30 · 13/01/2019 21:27

So she is basically keeping you in limbo ? That’s really not fair. If she doesn’t want to be with you she should absolutely talk with you about a divorce.

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:27

Can I just take time out from this just to say thank you to all who've replied and all who will reply, I haven't told many people about this as I find it quite embarrassing tbh so to be able to get other people's point of view is really appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:29

Every time I mention divorce she just brushes it off and says there's other things we need to think of first . On our last split we got the house valued, the valuation still stands so we could just instruct the estate agent to list our house & start the divorce, it's the last thing I want but if we're done in feel why prolong it?

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:30

We get on really well, we're best friends, we never argue, to the outside world we're a happily married couple, there's no PDA, but we've never been that type of couple.

OP posts:

Hopoindown31 · 13/01/2019 21:34

Remember that you don't need her permission to start divorce proceedings. This all smacks of someone who still hasn't got her exit strategy sorted so is playing for time. I'm not saying that there is another man but you need to be prepared for that pssibility and that she is stalling because he won't take her yet.

pissedonatrain · 13/01/2019 21:36

Have you gained weight? Have you become boring?

Join a gym for several workouts a week.

WinterWife · 13/01/2019 21:41

I think you need to sit down one to one and ask her what she wants as right now she's giving you mixed signals. You've asked if she wants a divorce and she's declined so does she want to split up or try make things work?
Good luck whichever you decide OP but sounds to me like she could be crying out for attention from you.

teamcutts · 13/01/2019 21:42

I think you need to get some straight answers from her. If she doesn't love you why would she want to be with you? If she doesn't want to go to counseling what does she propose to sort the issues out? (Sorry more questions than help)
It sounds like she wants to have you close to have but not in the way you should be as a husband?
If you really think there is no going back then you should look for advice on a divorce even if she doesn't want to. I think you need to take control, it's your life and you need to know where you stand especially as you have kids.
Sorry if that sounds so to the point. X

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:42

It's been going on, on & off for 6 months and I'm very confident there's no one else, but famous last words & all that.

In the last 14 years we both have gained weight, she's had 2 children & I'm the lightest I've been in years (break ups & not eating beat weight watchers any day lol)

OP posts:

Laiste · 13/01/2019 21:43

What's happening when you're having the breaks from each other? Who's leaving? How is child care sorted?

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:47

I'm always the one to leave, it's usually I sleep out, she takes the kids to school , I pick the kids up then when they go to bed I go. I know it's not ideal but I don't want to not see my kids and I start work early so me not being there in the morning isn't unusual for the kids.

OP posts:

Sethis · 13/01/2019 21:52

If it's not there, it's not there.

You obviously want to make it work. Because she's the one with the problem, she's the one who needs to propose a solution. You've already changed, and she says that's an improvement.

You can't keep hanging on this forever, it's hugely damaging to your psyche. She has to say something about what she plans for the future if it isn't divorce. Remember that you will still get to have a full relationship with your children even if you do divorce - it is not the end of your family.

Laiste · 13/01/2019 21:53

Hang on

''I sleep over my parents house but I don't want the kids noticing anything is up so I don't leave the house for days on end.''

You don't leave the house for days on end?

Sorry for all the questions. I just feel i'm missing the big picture here.

Laiste · 13/01/2019 21:54

No it's ok! I get it. You don't like to just leave for days on end.
Sorry! :)

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:56

No problem lol I know it's not ideal but neither of us can afford to move out completely and I can't bear to not see my kids every day.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 13/01/2019 22:08

@Laiste
He clarified it earlier.

I'm always the one to leave, it's usually I sleep out, she takes the kids to school , I pick the kids up then when they go to bed I go

Have you gained weight? Have you become boring?

What's the betting this would NEVER be said to a woman in the same situation ?

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 22:14

Ha ha, it's ok, no offense taken, we got together young, so yeah we've both gained weight, I was painfully skinny when we got together, about 9 years ago (when I started working shifts) I started to weigh what an adult should lol

OP posts:

Laiste · 13/01/2019 22:25

OK, so you're drifting - waiting for her to drop the axe like this. It's not healthy for you and it's not going to magically get any better.

I agree you need to sit down with her when the kids are in bed and you have time and tell her you aren't prepared to hang on for weeks and months and you want to know what her plan is. You can tell her it's not your desire to split up, but you won't be made to live waiting in a state of limbo.

Original poster

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 22:47

Thanks for all the replies, I think I'm just going to go ahead with the divorce, she's not a stubborn person but she's being so irrational this time, it makes me think there's something she's hiding but I can't save my marriage on my own.

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 14/01/2019 04:22

I can't save my marriage on my own

Absolutely 100% correct.

Going by your previous posts, that she won't consider counselling is a clear sign that she doesn't want to save the marriage. Because when you really want to save things you'll do ANYTHING to save it.

Try to put your emotions aside now because you need to be practical for both your sake and your DCs. Tell her it's time to talk about divorce and no, she doesn't get to decide that it's too soon 🤨

Have a think about what you want life after marriage to look like. EG you want the DC 50% of the time? Totally affordable if you're living at your parents 100% of the time. Not affordable once they're at school on 5hrs work a day (unless you are paid a very amazing hourly rate similar to mine)

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