Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Wife isn't attracted or in love with me anymore, any way back?

84 replies

SecretCH · 13/01/2019 21:11

Hello everyone, so it's as simple & devastating as the title suggests, my wife told me in June she hadn't been happy with our marriage since January, we had a bit of a break, seemed to sort things out and have since had another 2-3 breaks. We've been together 14 years, married 4, the current break has been since December 28th when she told me she isn't attracted or in love with me, we have 2 kids 2&4 and I idolise the 3 of them. I asked if there's someone else and she said there isn't, I'm the only person she's been with and I'm totally lost now. We tried a weekend away & got on so well, it wasn't a "dirty weekend" as I'm scared to touch her tbh as I don't want to come across as pushy. Has anyone recovered from a similar situation or should I just accept it, look for a place to live & start divorce proceedings?

OP posts:

ravenmum · 14/01/2019 12:10

How about you, how do you feel about her - did you still feel love prior to this blow, or was it relatively automatic? I have to say that when my ex started this "not in love" stuff I also didn't want it to end, as I thought we were happy, but now, looking back our life together was enjoyable, but he was away so often that we'd definitely lost any close connection.

It does sound like she's given up any idea of your reconnecting. You've already tried changing some things, but she's still not even interested in counselling. It does sound rather a lost cause.
Have a little listen to Esther Perel's podcasts. www.estherperel.com/podcast She talks to couples on the brink of splitting up (or who've already broken up and are considering getting back together). You can really tell when they have an issue, but nonetheless still love one another, and probably have a chance.

m0vinf0rward · 14/01/2019 12:10

Basically your wife wants to use you as a human wallet. She's not interested in you physically or emotionally but wants you around to split the bills and provide childcare whilst she goes out for her fun. I've seen this before with certain friends, they inevitably end up splitting from husband and dating bad boys who excite them, only to get treated like crap and hurt. There will also be the inevitable plea with you to 'give it another go'. Make sure you stay strong and never go backwards, have pride in taking charge of your life and do what you need to for yourself and your children. Start divorce proceedings and don't look back...trust me you will be amazed at just how much better you feel once outside of the toxic environment.

Original poster

SecretCH · 14/01/2019 12:11

If I work more than 5 hours we'll be worse off due to childcare & loss of benefits. Weight isn't an issue lol

OP posts:

Original poster

SecretCH · 14/01/2019 12:13

I will admit I do feel like I'm here for childcare sometimes, not babysitting because I hate when people say babysitting about their own kids.

OP posts:

m0vinf0rward · 14/01/2019 12:13

Oh and don't leave the house. Make sure you lawyer up and do everything by the book. Follow the lawyers advice on how to make the split and protect yourself at all times.

m0vinf0rward · 14/01/2019 12:19

And by that last statement...I know a woman who openly admitted she made up a false claim of DV to get her husband out of the house and secure a better negotiating position in the divorce. That's why you need to protect yourself at all times. Don't be the guy who ends up arrested for something he never did.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 12:31

These would be obvious things I would do If I was a man wanting my wife to fancy me..... I'd start by being appreciated. make yourself hot...

When was the last time a woman came here complaining her husband wanted out of the marriage and someone suggested she makes herself hot?

Nope, don't think I've ever seen that in seven years.

dilly123 · 14/01/2019 12:31

As sad as it is for you & it's not what you would ideally want you deserve a full life & not just an existence.. just the same as my exh...

At the time I said to him with everything going on & in my poor state of mental health.. I could be his friend but I had no inclination to be his wife or lover & he deserved to find someone who could.. 10 years down the line he has done.. he's remarried & has a new life.. me incidentally I've spent the majority of those 10 years alone with dc's a couple of disastrous relationships but on the whole regaining my independence & strength after our divorce & the death of our child... I don't know if anything could have saved us at that point but I have no regrets & am 100% sure despite the heartbreak it was best for both of us.

Good luck ... to coin a phrase "Life's not a rehearsal"!

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 12:31

Oh and don't leave the house. Make sure you lawyer up and do everything by the book. Follow the lawyers advice on how to make the split and protect yourself at all times.

YES. This is what we tell women in the OPs shoes and it should be no different.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 14/01/2019 12:43

It does seem like it is over. I was going to say that with young kids, the stress of working and providing etc etc that things can get on top of you, which can lead to thinking differently about your relationship (as in it's almost another chore to go along with everything else). That can perhaps be worked through. But she doesn't seem bothered or put out by the thought of you splitting.

The only thing I would suggest is that you think about what you want out of life. Is there anything you want to change about yourself, things you want to do? If you can be happy in yourself then it will help you massively whatever happens.

GummyGoddess · 14/01/2019 12:59

Start the divorce proceedings, tell her you're doing it once the form has been sent off.

If it does work out then you can either halt the divorce or remarry.

Do you think she's keeping you around for convenience, e.g. picking up children so she doesn't need to?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 14/01/2019 13:00

I couldn't help but think when reading your posts that it sounds like she wants you to be the one to file for divorce so she can say it was you who ended the marriage. It might sound cynical but it does appear that she wants to be perceived as the victim not the problem hence the lack of suggestions about moving forward.

As others have suggested do not leave the house, why should you. She is the one who wants to end the marriage so it stands to reason she should be the one to leave. I also agree that you need to discuss the issue with a solicitor and follow their advice. Finally just remember you have done nothing wrong, you didn't cause this situation and its certainly not because you're unfit, boring or not hot.

ravenmum · 14/01/2019 13:05

don't think I've ever seen that in seven years
"Make yourelf hot" type advice regularly comes up on the satirical "Man who has it all", which is supposedly making people aware of the stupid things we say to women but would never say to men. But ironically, I agree this seems to be directed more often at men these days.

Original poster

SecretCH · 14/01/2019 13:18

I've put my foot down & told her she's sleeping out tonight, she said she has nowhere to go with 2 kids, I told her I'm not telling the kids to go but for her to go. She's staying out tonight, I've booked a few days off work because my mind isn't in the right place for work despite it probably being a good distraction. She's agreed to divorce but conveniently can't find out marriage certificate.

OP posts:

ravenmum · 14/01/2019 13:23

Has anyone yet mentioned that it's generally a good idea to track down all your important paperwork and make copies of it? My ex took a load with him when he left, I had to ask for it back.

Marriage certificates can be re-ordered - but it's probably just in the cupboard. Why ask her to find it, when it's you that wants it?

ravenmum · 14/01/2019 13:24

I'm afraid you're still labouring under the delusion that you're a team, which is risky.

Original poster

SecretCH · 14/01/2019 13:26

The marriage certificate is with her stuff and I wouldn't want to go through her stuff

OP posts:

2boysDad · 14/01/2019 13:27

Three pieces of advice.

DO NOT BE THE ONE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.
DO NOT BE THE ONE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE.

Unless you're happy to see your own children once every two weeks??

Your marriage might be over but your kids are still your kids, they'll need a relationship with their Dad.

If she wants to end the marriage then she can either a) Tell you and you can get on with future plans or b) She can leave the damn house not you.

willyloman · 14/01/2019 13:28

I think you should start making your own plans, and take some time to 'feed your soul' with good music/books/whatever inspires you. Sometimes it's easy to drift in a relationship and lose that identity that made someone love you in the first place. My DP and I both take time out to do our own thing but also go to gigs etc together. It gets easier to do this when children are older of course. Do not spend evenings being miserable in your childhood bedroom. Take back your mojo.

Original poster

SecretCH · 14/01/2019 14:07

So here's where we stand at the moment, we've agreed she'll stay out tonight, I'll stay out tomorrow & we'll continue this until we've sold the house or I've bought her out, the problem is I work early mornings and weird days so on days I'm working I'll stay out the night before, but the line about don't spend evenings in your childhood bedroom miserable has stuck with me. Shall we both just stay? Why is me leaving the house such a bad thing as far as only seeing the kids once in a blue moon? Would this go against me?

OP posts:

2boysDad · 14/01/2019 14:14

"Why is me leaving the house such a bad thing as far as only seeing the kids once in a blue moon? Would this go against me?"

Because it would establish a PATTERN of your wife being the "main" parent and you being the one who gets "access". Family courts like to keep the status quo once it's been established. Move out and you establish the status quo.

Yes - it really is that brutally simple.

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 14:15

"Stay out"? What the fuck does that mean? Where will you sleep every other night?

SHE's the one who wants out of the marriage. SHE is the one who should leave the marital home. Why should you?

Original poster

SecretCH · 14/01/2019 14:19

She is planning on staying over her mum's tonight, her mum's doesn't know what's going on this time round but knows we've had problems in the past, do I tell her I don't intend on staying out or do I let her stay out tonight and let her mother speak to her and then tell her tomorrow?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 14/01/2019 14:23

Mate, please don't take this the wrong way, but just bloody tell her. Stop being a fucking doormat. She wants out, there's the door. She doesn't get to pick and choose which nights she stays over, she leaves. You make arrangements over seeing the kids, doing school runs, but the kids are staying with you for now. And make an appointment to see a solicitor AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. Then get things formalised.

ravenmum · 14/01/2019 14:34

He can't make her leave her own home; legaly surely she has a right to stay just as he does. My ex hung around as long as he could, too. Until he finally went, we just arranged things so we weren't in the same room.

Flip

1 2 3 4