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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help needed: DP’s crippling self hatred

101 replies

ChickpeaKat · 12/01/2019 21:39

Advice desperately needed!!

My DP has always been quite shy and lacking confidence which has never been a big problem for me, he is caring, fun and handsome and we were always happy. We’ve been together 6.5 years, not married and no kids.

A couple of years ago he got depression following the suicide of a colleague and a stressful time at work. His head was all over the place at this point and he actually attempted suicide a couple of times before seeking help. When he was in this phase of severe depression he was hit on by an attractive colleague at an office party who he kissed when drunk. He was upfront with me about this and given the circumstances and his state of mind (I was more worried about him than worried about the kiss, although it did hurt me), I forgave him and moved on.

Anyway, this girl he kissed said some mean things to him after that implied she regretted what happened and was embarrassed. She said “we could never get together”, when he tried to clear the air with her about it. He immediately took this to mean he was unattractive and ugly, even though she hit on him!

Since that time he’s been through medication and therapy and has largely improved. He’s no longer on medication but he CANNOT get past his crippling low self esteem and constantly refers back to what this girl said to him after the office party, as well as how other girls have “ignored” him his whole life.

Right now we’re having a daily conversation about how much he hates himself, how repulsive he believes he is, how ugly he is and how unattractive he is to women. He says because no girls “hit on him” growing up he must be so ugly. He never had the confidence growing up to chat up girls!! He has slept with 3 people and he thinks it’s pathetic and if he was attractive he’d have had much more success than that! Yet I’m the first girl he ever asked out and I said yes!! Despite me forgiving him for cheating he still thinks he’s this repulsive monster! Nothing I do makes him believe me. He’s a really handsome guy he just doesn’t believe in himself, which causes him to go into himself and not put himself out there or show anyone what he has to offer! He’s less and less interested in socialising as he doesn’t feel good enough for anyone and feels insecure all the time.

It is difficult to provide him with reassurance every day again and again. It is so hard to see him this low when I love him dearly and am so attracted to him but he now thinks I’m with him out of pity :(

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with or improving self confidence in your other half? I’m at my wits end! I love him so much and he’s perfect, apart from the fact he hates himself!! It just erodes him!

OP posts:

category12 · 12/01/2019 21:51

Oh my goodness, he has you reassuring him he's attractive because someone he tried to cheat on you with rejected him?! That's a mindfuck.

Are you looking after your own MH and wellbeing in the midst of this?

You can't fix him, he doesn't believe you. Tbh it'd drive me bonkers and I think I'd simply remind him it's his depression/low self-esteem driving this, and I'm not going to have the same conversation every day. He needs more therapy and to work on this himself. For me, I've built more self-confidence by doing things (work, travel, hobbies) - you cannot reassure him into good mental health.

pococops · 12/01/2019 21:52

Sorry you're going through this OP, it must really drag you down.
He needs to take responsibility for this, counselling etc it's not your problem to fix although if you want to, you can be there to support him. Do you not feel disrespected? Why is he talking about other women finding him attractive and also to you? I don't get that.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/01/2019 21:57

How long has this been going on? You are not his counsellor.

He needs to get help and move on with his life. I'd set a time limit.

Original poster

ChickpeaKat · 12/01/2019 21:59

category 12 it’s a total mindfuck! He never used to be like this but recently it’s all he can talk about ... he knows the “truth” and I’m just saying things to make him feel better. Agreed that I can’t fix his mental health and I also can’t keep having this convo every day.

pococops - it can feel disrespectful but he never used to speak about this.. I feel it comes from a place of deep self hatred, generally not feeling good enough and he backs up this general feeling he has about himself by finding “evidence” eg. Girls not hitting on him, sleeping with few people etc.. ugh!!

OP posts:

Ladybug123 · 12/01/2019 21:59

You’re too flipping nice! Sorry I know he’s having mental health issues but the things he’s saying to you are verging on the ridiculous. He’s actually whinging that other women don’t find him attractive to his girlfriend!!! And complaining that he hasn’t slept with more women.

Read your post again and imagine that this was a close female friend... would you feel sympathetic or protective towards your friend.

Have you seen him away from this relationship? I wonder how much he’s compartmentalising here?

I’m going to say this really gently and I hope you don’t think I’m rude but I wonder if it’s you who has the self esteem issues because this man is disrespecting you.

pococops · 12/01/2019 22:06

I'm with Ladbug here too, and think you're being very accommodating. Maybe he needs a sharp shock and actually who would be attracted to someone who is meant to be a partner to you. Hmm, it would make me think he is getting rejected by others, but you're there to 'pick him up..'

Apileofballyhoo · 12/01/2019 22:07

To be honest I'd be worried about your own self- esteem. And I'd be running a mile from this guy. He sounds utterly selfish and self- absorbed. Surely he can see how hurtful it is to be having this conversation with you over and over for years.

category12 · 12/01/2019 22:08

I would be concerned that if he ever did have the opportunity to sleep with someone else, he would, (and probably tell you about it and expect you to be happy for him!) - Ok that last bit is probably excessive, but the point is, he's not treating you like you're his girlfriend and lover. He's treating you like a carer or his therapist, someone who's responsible for him and whose feelings can't be hurt.

Are you allowed to be upset when he does this?

You really need to reset boundaries here, and he needs to take ownership of his issues.

Apileofballyhoo · 12/01/2019 22:10

Have a look at co-dependency. You deserve a partner in life, not someone you're propping up. Whatever you do, don't have DC with him.

showmeshoyu · 12/01/2019 22:15

Of course, it's very important for other women to hit on him all the time, because as a single man, how else will he ever find somebody... oh wait! Silly me!

Firstly, girls randomly hitting on men is infrequent (yeah, it happens, but it's usually the other way around)

Secondly, anybody who knows him will know he's in an LTR and thus wouldn't hit on him unless they were not a very nice person.

Thirdly... what the fuck? He needs professional help.

sprouts21 · 12/01/2019 22:16

He expects you to endlessly discuss this cheating and reassure him? He sounds absolutely GUTTED that she said whatever she did, not normal at all.

Tell him to shut the fuck up about it, he's talking to you as though you're his freind. Refuse to listen to this self obsessive bullshit ever again.

Hidingtonothing · 12/01/2019 22:21

Regardless of where this is coming from for him I honestly think you need to stop with the constant reassurance now, that's a really unhealthy dynamic to have between you. PP's are right, it's time for him to take responsibility for his own MH and stop looking to you to fix it.

I would tell him very clearly that you cannot continue to prop him up, it's affecting your own MH and he's in danger of dragging you down with him. And then remind him every time he falls back into old habits, you are his partner not his psychiatrist.

IamIwas · 12/01/2019 22:24

So you’re consoling him and having to be understanding because girls don’t hit on him? No that’s not acceptable in a relationship no matter what the state of his health is.

Branleuse · 12/01/2019 22:26

Oh my god. YOU need to reassure him that he can still pick up women and dry his tears that a woman he tried to cheat on you with rejected him?? Boohoo

You've got a lot more patience than me. He doesn't feel self hated cos he kissed someone and could have really hurt you. No he's just turned into Some sort of incel over it

doodleBugdoodle · 12/01/2019 22:30

Seriously, what are you getting out of this relationship. I agree he is talking to you like a friend. I would also be worried that if any woman does hit on him he will cheat again.

NotANotMan · 12/01/2019 22:38

Stop reassuring him. It's the worst thing you can do. You need to disengage from this nonsense. If he starts on it tell him you will not engage in that conversation, change the subject or leave. He's going to push you away if he carries on.

beansontoastfortea · 12/01/2019 22:44

Ffs op... you are more tolerant than me. What does that say about what he thinks about your thoughts and your standards? He's not good enough for anyone... except you? He's too ugly for everyone... except you?

pissedonatrain · 13/01/2019 00:14

omg he's one of those guys. yuck.

I would LTB.

He thinks he has settled for you because nobody else would want him. And you must be flawed for wanting someone as pathetic as him. Yeah, their thinking is just that warped.

i guarantee the first time he finds another woman, he will be gone in a flash.

He is a self-loathing disrespectful arse. A covert narc.

secretmetoo · 13/01/2019 00:20

Really OP? You are honestly consoling him because he had his feelings hurt by a woman he was trying to cheat on you with. You can’t be serious!!

cowfacemonkey · 13/01/2019 00:26

God what a self indulgent little prick he sounds. He needs to give his head a wobble.

Seaweed42 · 13/01/2019 00:53

You sound like his Carer or his Mum. Does he have a job?
He certainly is not perfect.
He constantly tells you how upset about being rejected by the woman he cheated on you with.
He sounds a bit like your little baby. He's me, me, me. He'd never tolerate you having kids because he needs your attention all to himself.

flatulencebythebucket · 13/01/2019 00:59

What a wuss, he needs to man up. It sounds like he had more involvement with her than he's made out to me.

Nobody can hurt your feelings without your permission.

safetyfreak · 13/01/2019 05:29

Oh my red flags all over this one. Cannot believe he is saying those things to you regarding other women and the woman he cheated on you with.

You are way too nice.

Dunin · 13/01/2019 05:53

This is really really bad OP. I’m sorry but you need to think very hard about leaving him. He’s become very low because the woman he cheated with told him nasty things. He’s now taking that out on you. You are supposed to be his number 1. He kissed this girl because of low self esteem. Ok but now his self esteem is even lower. So can you see what’s going to happen next? His self esteem is still very low so he’s not going to say no to anybody who chases him is he? He wants women chasing him more than he wants you. Everything he is doing and saying is so disrespectful and cruel and is not ok and is not normal. You matter too. You deserve better than this. Your relationship has become all about him and his wants and needs. Not good. Start thinking about protecting yourself because without professional help he’s going to cheat again.

Gina2012 · 13/01/2019 06:24

Good god

I've heard it all now

Tell DP to stop whining, get himself back to the GP for more meds and to book more CBT

If I were you I'd move out ( if you can) for a while to settle your own energy and thought processes

Living with someone this selfish and narcissistic would do my head in

If you can't move out for a while, I'd seriously consider leaving altogether

You are not his mother, sister, or Counsellor. Nor are you a door mat

for you.

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