Help needed: DP’s crippling self hatred

[ChickpeaKat]

Advice desperately needed!!

My DP has always been quite shy and lacking confidence which has never been a big problem for me, he is caring, fun and handsome and we were always happy. We’ve been together 6.5 years, not married and no kids.

A couple of years ago he got depression following the suicide of a colleague and a stressful time at work. His head was all over the place at this point and he actually attempted suicide a couple of times before seeking help. When he was in this phase of severe depression he was hit on by an attractive colleague at an office party who he kissed when drunk. He was upfront with me about this and given the circumstances and his state of mind (I was more worried about him than worried about the kiss, although it did hurt me), I forgave him and moved on.

Anyway, this girl he kissed said some mean things to him after that implied she regretted what happened and was embarrassed. She said “we could never get together”, when he tried to clear the air with her about it. He immediately took this to mean he was unattractive and ugly, even though she hit on him!

Since that time he’s been through medication and therapy and has largely improved. He’s no longer on medication but he CANNOT get past his crippling low self esteem and constantly refers back to what this girl said to him after the office party, as well as how other girls have “ignored” him his whole life.

Right now we’re having a daily conversation about how much he hates himself, how repulsive he believes he is, how ugly he is and how unattractive he is to women. He says because no girls “hit on him” growing up he must be so ugly. He never had the confidence growing up to chat up girls!! He has slept with 3 people and he thinks it’s pathetic and if he was attractive he’d have had much more success than that! Yet I’m the first girl he ever asked out and I said yes!! Despite me forgiving him for cheating he still thinks he’s this repulsive monster! Nothing I do makes him believe me. He’s a really handsome guy he just doesn’t believe in himself, which causes him to go into himself and not put himself out there or show anyone what he has to offer! He’s less and less interested in socialising as he doesn’t feel good enough for anyone and feels insecure all the time.

It is difficult to provide him with reassurance every day again and again. It is so hard to see him this low when I love him dearly and am so attracted to him but he now thinks I’m with him out of pity :(

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with or improving self confidence in your other half? I’m at my wits end! I love him so much and he’s perfect, apart from the fact he hates himself!! It just erodes him!

You do understand that you can’t fix him don’t you OP? I have had mental health issues since I was a child so I’m not dismissing his illness or how hard it is to manage but realistically if there is any hope of him improving it has to come from himself.

This sounds like a co-dependent relationship and you’re the ‘fixer’. Subconsciously you think that by fixing him you can fix a part of yourself that you see as flawed and almost deserving of this behaviour. Perhaps if you can work on your self-esteem it might make you see the situation clearer.

Most people in long term relationships do not have people hitting on them even if they're attractive because most people aren't interested in breaking up other people's relationships. It's usually got nothing to do with attractiveness. More likely to do with money and personality

Ok so I just came across this thread randomly and felt compelled to register to this site so I could post this.

I honestly find some of the responses in here absolutely despicable. Never have I seen such a a disgraceful display of ignorance and lack of compassion for someone clearly suffering serious mental health problems.

He attempted suicide, is clearly suffering terribly with depression and possibly other psychological problems. The self doubt, the poor self-image and self-esteem that ChickpeaKat describes; Is it not patently obvious these are symptoms of the mental health problems he is experiencing? It's the ILLNESS YOU IDIOTS. Yet we have endless responses in here referring to him as a loser, prick, manchild and incel.

Good lord no wonder men don't talk about their mental health, no wonder they bottle it up and we have a male suicide epidemic if this is the kind of response they get.

You should all be throughly ashamed of yourselves.

My husband battles depression and we definitely had a time about 5 years ago where we had to have conversations every day about the things he was feeling. Having the strength to do that every day was near on impossible. But I loved him so I did it and I saw him through it. He went to the GP and got some proper help. And now it’s fine. It flares up from time to time but for the most part I have a happy and healthy husband. I’m glad I stuck it out. So I think you probably need to work out where your limits are? You don’t say how long this has been going on for, maybe have a think back? As most of the PP have said, he needs to get professional help. Hopefully you can encourage him to do that.

@RarePuppers thank you for your response. I realise I maybe should have posted this in the “Mental Health” topic!
It is so so hard as I can clearly see he is very unwell. Last night he was punching himself in the head and crying In the first four years of our relationship, before the depression hit, yes he was shy but he was nothing like this. He never spoke about his appearance or other girls, but since his depression it seems to have morphed into this compulsion to drift toward extremely negative thoughts about himself. No matter what evidence is placed before him as to his attractiveness, success, likeability etc he does not listen and thinks it is made up! You can imagine this is absolutely exhausting and I just want things to be how they were, I don’t mind if he’s shy I just want him to be happy and accept himself as he is and show some self compassion! I know cheating is awful, but with him the issues go very deep. I know I can’t fix him so he is off to a therapist on Wednesday to see if things can improve at all. I will also try and convince him to go back on his meds. If things don’t improve or he doesn’t accept the help being offered I think eventually I’ll have to put my own mental health and happiness first.

@RarePuppers

It's not her job to fix him and he has been dragging her down over this for a long time. Some mental issues like covert/collapsed narcissism can't be fixed. She has the duty to protect her own well being first.

And to add, although my husband’s issues weren’t “other women don’t find me attractive” they were around how unhappy he was and how bad his life was. Which isn’t exactly nice to hear when I was the person he was sharing that life with! But that’s was depression is. He didn’t mean any of it as a personal attack against me!

Hi there, rarepuppers. Op has been dealing with her partner's mental health issues for several years. At a certain point, she has to look out for her own wellbeing and the effect tolerating & consoling him on things that are hurtful to her and that she cannot fix, will be having on her own mental health. We're interested in her wellbeing because she's the one posting for help.

The vast majority of responses have suggested he go back to therapy, looks at his medication, continues to get help. But he's not the one asking for help here.

chickpeakat last night sounds awful, hang in there! The fact he is going on Weds sounds really positive. I think your initial question was “what can I do to help his confidence?” and I think the answer is nothing. But I think it’s great you’re trying to get him through this instead of bailing. Some of what you’ve written definitely suggests you know he’s still got some wonderful qualities under all of this. And with any MH issue, if you can get the illness under control then you can get that man back. I’ll keep my fingers crossed with you.

I’m with you rarepuppers!

Rarepuppers, I have a husband who suffers with mental health issues. I spent years trying to help him deal with his addictive behaviours and poor coping strategies because I loved him very very much, I still do. Last year his mental health reached a point where he had an affair, he did terrible things to me and my young children. He stopped dealing with his pain internally and punched out at me in the most terrible way a person can. I now suffer PTSD linked anxiety. I find your attitude that we don’t understand mental health concerns insulting. I know all to well how mental health can impact on an individual but what’s worse in when mental health impacts on the innocent people trying to help. We are all concerned about the OP. The man in question has not sought help.

MH issues or not, OP is under no obligation to spend years of her life being an unpaid therapist/emotional punchbag. Eventually her own MH will suffer.

He has to want to help himself. While he has OP there to reassure him (possibly to her own detriment) he has no motivation to go and seek professional help. If OP removes herself from the situation then her DP may be forced to seek help elsewhere.

Only you know what the relationship is really like OP and whether it is worth staying with him. Just make sure you put yourself and your own needs first.

I'm not ashamed of myself thanks. I honestly don't give a shit that you're horrified at others saying to put up boundaries.

There are limits to what anyone has to (and can) put up with. It absolutely affects carers too and there's a point you have to put your own life jacket on.

I've lived with and cared for mentally ill and suicidal family members - when it gets to the point that you're the one pushing therapy and pills and they're not really working on things except to grudgingly continue existing; when you're living on eggshells and miserable all the time and it's dominating everything, well you can only last so long. Women especially are always told off for being "selfish".

So fucking what? You only get one life.

I also stand by the "incel" comment - give it a google and see how lovely and charming that community is.

Showing concern for ChickpeaKat is fine. I don't believe I took issue with that anywhere in my post.

What I'm struggling to understand is how that justifies the disgusting and completely nonsensical insults that have been directed at this man.

Just going on what I've read in the initial post, apart from the whole kiss thing, which to be fair was whilst drunk and he did confess to it which is a good sign, he seems like a decent human being. ChickpeaKat hasn't indicated any additional issues like previous cheating or physical or emotional abuse.

So where is the justification for those insults? Please tell me. Honestly to me it just reeks of: This man has shown weakness so he's not a real man, he's a loser, he's not strong and manly enough...etc.

Ironically this is probably part of the reason for his poor confidence, self-esteem and mental health problems as well as a cause for mens mental health problems in general in our society.

I mean it's just so uncalled for and bloody rude, not just to him but to ChickpeaKat as well. She comes here looking for advice about her husbands mental health problems and people call him a prick, loser, manchild...etc.

Utterly unacceptable.

You stand by the incel comment. Really? Astonishing. I'm quite aware of the whole incel thing by the way.

Please just break down for me how that is at all relevant to any of this. What on earth do incels have to do with a womans husband that has depression and self-esteem issues? It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever.

Time to walk away op.I don't even know where to start with this one I can't believe you are putting up with being treated like this - you sound more like a career or his parent. Please for your own mental health and happiness sort out the flat/mortgage/cat etc and get out if this toxic environment asap.Thank god you don't have kids with him

carer

You don't have to sympathise with all mental health problems especially when it makes you act like a prick

From the level of obsession and self-harm, he sounds like he is really not very well. This is not being shy. Being shy is one of the more minor symptoms of what could be a serious condition. Is he on medication for depression still? Has he stopped taking it recently (perhaps without telling you)? That can have major side effects such as this.

He may not currently be capable of thinking rationally, in which case he likely won't seek help for his condition. Unfortunately, what usually happens if someone doesn't seek help is that it gets worse and worse until they do something that's a more obvious sign of mental ill health (suicide attempt, going outside naked, being a public nuisance) and are put in hospital, sectioned etc. Either that or it never gets that bad, but bad enough that their family breaks down and they end up alone.

I don't work in this sector, but from the cases I've experienced personally (friends, family) they won't "let" themselves be pushed into help by family members - so you've done a pretty good job getting him to go to therapy. (Even more amazing if he stays there.)

If you stay with him, you are probably opting in to life with someone who's mentally ill. That's a big step that you need to be aware you're taking. Perhaps you could look around for information on the subject. But also, you are presumably not the only person in his life(?), and even if you were, you don't have to stay with him out of guilt. A flat and a cat might seem a lot now - but if you had children with him, the flat and the cat would seem like the tiniest of issues.

www.verywellmind.com/ssri-discontinuation-syndrome-378682

Some of the things he's apparently said smack of incel talking-points. If he were hanging out a lot on those kind of websites, it would be like an anorexic hanging out on pro-ana sites. It would be relevant if his attitudes to women and sex are those outside of his mental health issues. Currently he's treating the OP like she doesn't have any feelings on the subject.

It may well be purely born of his mental health issues and they're making him incapable of empathising/putting himself in her shoes.

But mental health issues don't preclude the possibility of assholery. Nor do they mean your partner has to tolerate poor treatment indefinitely without recognition. He probably needs to go back on his meds. It's good that he has more therapy lined up.

Is it not patently obvious these are symptoms of the mental health problems he is experiencing? It's the ILLNESS YOU IDIOTS.

Well aren't you just delightful @RarePuppers

Funnily enough I know it's the mental illness

Funnily enough I got that

Funnily enough I'm not a fucking idiot

Funnily enough the OP does not have to stay with someone who has MH issues.

She does not have to stay with him EVEN IF HE IS PREPARED TO HELP HIMSELF

And she certainly does not have to stay with him if all he wants to do is moan and whinge

We are not put on this earth to fix anyone and we are most certainly not put on this earth to fix our partners

That's their job

We can choose to stick around

Or leave

Because funnily enough we are on this earth to live our own lives

Not to live anyone else's for them

Got it?

Good

Again, I don't believe I took issue with any of those things. Where did I say she had to stay with him? Or that she shouldn't look out for herself and her own interests?

I took issue with the derogatory remarks people made which are offensive to him as well as her and completely unecessary.

I took issue with the derogatory remarks people made which are offensive to him as well as her and completely unecessary.

And then you go and call me and others, idiots.

Offensive? Check

Derogatory? Check

Unnecessary? Check

Things which make me go hmmmm

Well I would say technically you're drawing a false equivalence. I called people idiots for their ignorant remarks. Literally the definition of an idiot. I don't believe that's the same as making derogatory and nonsensical insults towards a man who is clearly severely ill.

But whatever. You're right in a way. I did lose my temper a little so I apologise.