Help needed: DP’s crippling self hatred

[ChickpeaKat]

Advice desperately needed!!

My DP has always been quite shy and lacking confidence which has never been a big problem for me, he is caring, fun and handsome and we were always happy. We’ve been together 6.5 years, not married and no kids.

A couple of years ago he got depression following the suicide of a colleague and a stressful time at work. His head was all over the place at this point and he actually attempted suicide a couple of times before seeking help. When he was in this phase of severe depression he was hit on by an attractive colleague at an office party who he kissed when drunk. He was upfront with me about this and given the circumstances and his state of mind (I was more worried about him than worried about the kiss, although it did hurt me), I forgave him and moved on.

Anyway, this girl he kissed said some mean things to him after that implied she regretted what happened and was embarrassed. She said “we could never get together”, when he tried to clear the air with her about it. He immediately took this to mean he was unattractive and ugly, even though she hit on him!

Since that time he’s been through medication and therapy and has largely improved. He’s no longer on medication but he CANNOT get past his crippling low self esteem and constantly refers back to what this girl said to him after the office party, as well as how other girls have “ignored” him his whole life.

Right now we’re having a daily conversation about how much he hates himself, how repulsive he believes he is, how ugly he is and how unattractive he is to women. He says because no girls “hit on him” growing up he must be so ugly. He never had the confidence growing up to chat up girls!! He has slept with 3 people and he thinks it’s pathetic and if he was attractive he’d have had much more success than that! Yet I’m the first girl he ever asked out and I said yes!! Despite me forgiving him for cheating he still thinks he’s this repulsive monster! Nothing I do makes him believe me. He’s a really handsome guy he just doesn’t believe in himself, which causes him to go into himself and not put himself out there or show anyone what he has to offer! He’s less and less interested in socialising as he doesn’t feel good enough for anyone and feels insecure all the time.

It is difficult to provide him with reassurance every day again and again. It is so hard to see him this low when I love him dearly and am so attracted to him but he now thinks I’m with him out of pity :(

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with or improving self confidence in your other half? I’m at my wits end! I love him so much and he’s perfect, apart from the fact he hates himself!! It just erodes him!

Firstly, I think he needs to return to the GP to have his medication reviewed. Different meds can work wonders on this level of anxiety. Then he needs to look in to proper psychotherapy. You need to look after yourself or it will wear you out and bring you down.

So if someone flirted with him, would he kiss them? I feel as if he may, he’s excusing cheating by focusing on the pity party for him. What about you and your feelings?

He doesn't love you OP. He's too cowardly to break up with you. Pushing the boundaries hoping you'll dump him, so he can carry on being a victim of all these horrible women who don't jump on his cock! Dump his arse.

Have you ever googled "incels"? You've ended up dating a textbook version of one. Run.

I hear what you are all saying and it seems it’s time for me to face up to the reality of what this is. We’ve bought a flat together, just renewed our mortgage and have a cat the thought of unsticking it all gives me a headache. Although I appreciate that’s not a reason to stay with someone! It would be a lot more complicated if we had kids. He is starting a new course of therapy on Wed so that may be a turning point, but I’ve made him go to that, he doesn’t even believe he has a problem other than being ugly!

He thinks other men have girls hitting on them and falling all over them all the time - is this true?! I don’t know any men like that! Even good looking ones have to try and put themselves out there?!

It’s not true but that’s not the point is it? He would not be able to rationalise any discussion about it.

I've been there and it ended up I stayed out of pity, cos he was ill. Left after 20 yesrs. You cannot fix him. Go now!!

he doesn’t even believe he has a problem other than being ugly!

His problem is that he treats you like a piece of crap.

Money/property is easily sorted

Do not have children with this self absorbed imbecile

I don't think that's true personally... maybe for teenagers? If he knows any of these men personally maybe they are just bragging/lying...

I don't think the majority of women hit on men repeatedly... I mean, do you know any?

It is definitely tough to break away when you've got all the commitments and ties together but you're right that it's not a reason to stay... if you do decide to leave, it's best to take it one step at a time.

It wouldn't hurt to start preparing now with your own secret stash of money and preparing a back up plan. This will help you feel more empowered and less trapped.

when I was married I felt the same, totally trapped... it wasn't until I had a child that I knew I had to get her out of there no matter what. Now looking back I realise that I wasn't trapped at all... I just didn't know the steps I needed to take... but at the time I left everything fell into place and we were ok.

Unsticking a mortgage and a shared cat is totally possible. Spending the rest of your life being treated like this is intolerable. Maybe he’ll get better in 6 months or maybe he won’t. How long are you going to take it? You only get one life Chickpea. Are you going to spend your one life like this? You deserve better. Make it better by ending it. You are not responsible for his problems or his actions.

Expecting you to relive his betrayal and comfort him over it is ridiculous.

Take on board what everyone is saying. You deserve better.

I can;'t even.

Why the fuck are you tolerating this?

Better person than me, OP. Whining that the person he cheated with rejected him cos he is ugly? I'd have rejected him long ago. Don't keep doing this to yourself.

Because you have popped this in Relationships the majority are suggesting he is terrible with some kind of personity flaw that you shouldn't have to put up with and you should probably leave. That's how threads in Relationships tend to go.

If you had posted in mental health you probably would have got a pretty different response.

I think it's possible that he has OCD. It very much sounds like that way of thinking. He is clearly compulsive (cannot stop seeking reassurance) and appears to be having extensive intrusive thoughts.

I would suggest he needs more therapy, quite possibly more meds, it's not unusual to needs meds for life with OCD.

I'm sorry you are finding it so hard, it does sound exhausting and difficult behaviour to constantly address. Somewhere along the line you need help in learning to handle him. Reassurance etc will actually just make him worse.

Of course, could be completed wrong. Am not a MH professional, but I have had OCD for many many years and come into contact with a lot of of other sufferers. He seems to fit the model.

Does he spend a lot of time online on incel, mgtow or red pill websites?

Tell him you're sick of hearing about it and sick of being treated like you have no emotional needs of your own.

If you're not ready to make a break yet, try resetting boundaries and being more "tough love". Because indulging his obsessive thoughts does neither of you any good. Maybe take up some counselling yourself, looking at co-dependence and how to have healthy relationships.

Don't get pregnant or make any further commitments to him until something really changes.

I'd give him a maximum of 1 year and if this behaviour hasn't stopped I'd end the relationship.

If you really want what's best for him, then stop supporting him in this, OP. You can't give him what he needs. No woman has ever been able to do this for him - though he'll keep trying as long as someone is willing to put his needs before their own.

Put yourself first. It's the biggest gift you can give yourself, and the biggest gift you can give others too.

I had Body Dysmoprhic Disorder many years ago. I am not trying to diagnose and excuse anything, but his behaviour does sound familiar. I never cheated on my partner, but I am ashamed of the way I behaved and about some of the things I said to people around me. I was suicidal, convinced I was a monster and my face was wrinkling up (among other things) - almost delusional. When I was in a state of panic and despair, I remember noticing the wrinkles and ‘flaws’ in my mother’s face, pointing them out and saying it’s fine for her to have them because she’s old but it wasn’t normal for someone of my age to to be like this. What an awful thing to say

It has taken plenty of CBT and medication to get me functioning normally again. Now the real wrinkles are kicking in, I am fine with it!

But it really did take over my life at one point. Every waking moment I was thinking about how ugly I was.

So... knowing what I was like, if it is BDD, you cannot fix this. He will be constantly seeking reassurance from you, you will do your best to reassure him, and he will then try to give you ‘proof’ that you’re wrong and then the cycle will begin over and over and over again. I know, because that’s what I did to my poor husband, at some points literally hundreds of times a day! The poor man was practically tearing his hair out.

Your DP needs to see a doctor about his mental health and take it from there. If he won’t, I would begin to think about separating. I almost drove my husband to despair, but he at least knew I was seeking help for my low self-esteem and that there was therefore some hope that one day I wouldn’t be like this.

It can be fixed but it takes a lot of hard work and willingness to listen to others rather than your own thought-processes. I now generally have good self-esteem and have done for the last 7 years

You have to prioritise yourself. It’s perfectly okay to walk away from this if he won’t seek help and nothing changes. Be prepared for him to tell you the fact you’re leaving is proof he’s ugly! (He’ll focus on that rather than what he’s put you through.) Don’t let him manipulate you.

Why does he want girls WOMEN to hit on him? Does he feel he has settled for you? WTF? Run a mile.

@GobblersKnob
Why the fuck should OP learn how to handle this manchild?

Apologies, I somehow missed that he’s already been through meds and help. Can I ask if that was CBT or ‘just’ counselling? If not CBT, I’d get him to push for that and also think about changing or upping his meds.

Why not set a time limit in your head as to how long you’ll give it? You can’t live like this indefinitely.

NotTheFordType well my dp has had to learn how to handle my OCD, as he loves me and wanted to stay with me. He could of course left at any point, but he chose not to. I can't 'choose' not to have a mental illness Giving people with OCD lots of reassurance (which is a natural human response to someone in distress) will actually make him worse not better, so op would need to learn to do this, alongside support from a MHP.

Out of interest would you say 'why the fuck should OP learn to manage symptoms of MS, Alzheimer's, Cancer?'

I think not. But IF it is a MH disorder it's no different. I'm not suggesting that anyone should have to stay with anyone, with any illness. That's down to the individual.

Sorry that I was aggressive. I had a partner like this in the 90s.

He was a functioning alcoholic, regularly wet the bed. I don't even want to list the ways he was abusive.

But he used to play this shit. "Ohhhh Im soooo ugly"
"Nobody will ever waaaaaaaaaaaant me"

YEAH BECAUSE YOURE A PRAT

I’m entirely with notthefordtype mental illness does not excuse you for causing pain to the one trying to be there and support you. I think most of us are now very aware of mental health issues and can recognise that he ‘might’ need help but it does not mean that she has to put up with his selfish entitled gibberish anymore. Unless this man gets help he WILL have an affair, to ‘validate’ himself, which will utterly devastate the OP and alter her view on love, trust, faith and honesty. Why should she put herself at such risk for a man child who won’t get help.

OP tell him that these comments are hurtful, stop being a punchbag to release his pain, tell him they need to stop. Give him an ultimatum or preferred option GET OUT!

Do you love him? Do you feel like he loves you? Are you happy in any aspect of this relationship?

You can’t fix him. He has to want to do that himself. But it sounds like he would rather have some kind of weird pity party instead because women aren’t throwing themselves at him and he expects you to constantly reassure him. It’s a very unhealthy dynamic.

I hope your self-esteem is high enough that you can see this for what it is and move on. You must feel so drained.