Help needed: DP’s crippling self hatred

[ChickpeaKat]

Advice desperately needed!!

My DP has always been quite shy and lacking confidence which has never been a big problem for me, he is caring, fun and handsome and we were always happy. We’ve been together 6.5 years, not married and no kids.

A couple of years ago he got depression following the suicide of a colleague and a stressful time at work. His head was all over the place at this point and he actually attempted suicide a couple of times before seeking help. When he was in this phase of severe depression he was hit on by an attractive colleague at an office party who he kissed when drunk. He was upfront with me about this and given the circumstances and his state of mind (I was more worried about him than worried about the kiss, although it did hurt me), I forgave him and moved on.

Anyway, this girl he kissed said some mean things to him after that implied she regretted what happened and was embarrassed. She said “we could never get together”, when he tried to clear the air with her about it. He immediately took this to mean he was unattractive and ugly, even though she hit on him!

Since that time he’s been through medication and therapy and has largely improved. He’s no longer on medication but he CANNOT get past his crippling low self esteem and constantly refers back to what this girl said to him after the office party, as well as how other girls have “ignored” him his whole life.

Right now we’re having a daily conversation about how much he hates himself, how repulsive he believes he is, how ugly he is and how unattractive he is to women. He says because no girls “hit on him” growing up he must be so ugly. He never had the confidence growing up to chat up girls!! He has slept with 3 people and he thinks it’s pathetic and if he was attractive he’d have had much more success than that! Yet I’m the first girl he ever asked out and I said yes!! Despite me forgiving him for cheating he still thinks he’s this repulsive monster! Nothing I do makes him believe me. He’s a really handsome guy he just doesn’t believe in himself, which causes him to go into himself and not put himself out there or show anyone what he has to offer! He’s less and less interested in socialising as he doesn’t feel good enough for anyone and feels insecure all the time.

It is difficult to provide him with reassurance every day again and again. It is so hard to see him this low when I love him dearly and am so attracted to him but he now thinks I’m with him out of pity :(

Does anyone have any tips for dealing with or improving self confidence in your other half? I’m at my wits end! I love him so much and he’s perfect, apart from the fact he hates himself!! It just erodes him!

That's ok. I take your point too. And I also apologise -- for making a false equivalence

He thinks other men have girls hitting on them and falling all over them all the time - is this true?!
Is this what he wants for himself. Does he even recognise you as a partner.
Otherwise these are intrusive thoughts. Is he paranoid as well? Does he think others are thinking bad thoughts about him? Does he think certain people in his life are thinking 'bad stuff' about him.
Don't engage in the content, don't engage in the debate. Instead, point out to him when, and in what context and how often this discussion is coming up.
Does he have a job? Do you know any of his family, do they know about this?

So many on here say it’s up to him to fix himself - id like to know how this is done and whether you are talking from personal experience and have managed to fix yourself from depression or are just spouting buzz phrases!

As someone who suffers with long term depression is on medication has had numerous counselling and read as much as possible about MH I am not fixed but would like to be - the best I can say is I managed my depression as best I could until my marriage ended after xh had an affair and blew my world apart.

My MH is back where it was over 20 years ago when I was first diagnosed with PTSD after bullying at work - the best I have been able to do is refer myself for extra support when needed - it doesn’t stop the negative spirals that end up with me being in despair - and funnily enough you cannot “fix” yourself in this state - you need to be out of a depressive episode and fairly well to even contemplate looking at your triggers otherwise you will end up sinking further.

This guy needs your support - it’s a huge task - at least 1 in 4 suffer with the condition personally I think it’s higher than this a lot are undiagnosed - supposedly we are more knowledgeable about MH these days - not from some of the comments on here - i had to check if this was in AIBu - there appears to be some very selfish people on here with a low tolerance of others and little compassion

This book may help and also post in MH

www.amazon.co.uk/How-Survive-When-Theyre-Depressed-ebook/dp/B001RLTFAM/ref=sr_1_fkmr0_2?s=books&keywords=Helping+survive+depression&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547393743&sr=8-2-fkmr0

This guy needs your support

I really don't think this is fair. He clearly needs support, but it is certainly not up to the OP to provide that support. And important to watch out for codependency, which is helping exactly noone.

You are reinforcing his behaviour. You say you spend ages every day reassuring him about how great he is, how hot he is, etc. Stop that. Stop it today. If he starts, do not engage. If you must engage then tell him to call his therapist. Tell him you can't be his therapist, it hasn't worked, he has got worse and you don't know what you are doing so you aren't going to talk to him about how much the other hotties want to fuck him any more.

Maybe he is severely mentally ill. He is definitely extremely disrespectful towards you. A person does not go on and on at their partner about how they expect to be chatted up all the time by randoms.

What exactly is so awful about being unattractive anyway? Most people are not hotties getting chatted up all the day. What does he have against average looking people? Maybe you should take that angle with him, get offended at his mean shallowness towards ordinary people.

Greenberet, OP has a responsibility to herself first.

There's no way round it, the work on his insecurities and obsessive thought pattern does all have to come from him. "Fixing himself" may not be the right way of putting it, because as you point out, some things are ongoing and lifelong, in which case it's about managing it. OP can tell him how great he is until she's blue in the face, but he doesn't believe it and there's nothing she can do about that.

It really is probably not a good idea to engage with his obsession in any way, including saying "You look just fine" etc. Because the problem is not how he looks, the problem is the state of his mental health. That might not even have anything to do with his looks really - the "I'm ugly" is a symptom of his depression or psychosis, not a cause.

If you discuss the subject, you are tacitly agreeing that the issue is his appearance/his worries about his appearance, when the issue is his mental health.

You have reassured him 1000 times that he is attractive.
He refuses to believe you.
Time for professionals to get involved.
Change your morning routine.

Good luck x

So many on here say it’s up to him to fix himself - id like to know how this is done and whether you are talking from personal experience and have managed to fix yourself from depression or are just spouting buzz phrases!

Do you believe that a wife/romantic partner / husband can fix you?

I believe that we are all responsible for ourselves

It is up to us to get ourselves the healing which we need

From Doctors/healers whoever

And yes, I have done it myself

I don't expect others to do what I have done

But I despise those who dump their issues on their Partner so he/she can sort out their issues

That is weak and narcissistic imo

I am frequently gobsmacked at what some folk will tolerate for the sake of maintaining the most toxic of relationships

I agree with @Gina2012

@greenberet: Yes, without going into too many dark details, I've been formally diagnosed as clinically depressed - and I've been a carer too on the other side. I've also got autistic family members who scream and punch themselves in the head in meltdowns, and worse. That's horrible to witness, I know how frightened the OP must be, even if he's never raised a finger at her.

The older I've grown and the more I've gone through, the less I agree with the idea that illness excuses abusive behaviour and means that family members just have to put up with it all.

Even when there are explanations for why a sufferer acts the way they do, their actions still have consequences on other people, who have a right to protect themselves. It might be unfair but so is life.

I guess it comes down to "does he have any control", and if he sincerely doesn't, would you happy being alone with him during his violent "out of control" rages?

[Edited at OP's request in order to protect privacy]

greenberet

I’ve had mental health issues since I was kid. I’ve been on different medications, seen bad therapists, seen good therapists and have been housebound at one point. I think for a lot of cases of mental health issues you can’t fix it, you can only manage it and reduce the bad times to a number where you can cope through life much better without thinking about killing yourself once an hour. I have empathy for the OP’s partner but I also have loads of empathy for the OP.

No matter what she does, she can’t change the way he manages himself or his condition. It really does have to be him who is engaging with doctors, medication and getting as much help as possible, she can’t do it for him. Unfortunatley not engaging in any type of services is another symptom of many mental ill health and so many people are in a Catch 22 situation.

The OP has a right to put her own mental health first and should do. It doesn’t mean she has to break up with him if she doesn’t want to but she certainly should be putting boundaries in place to protect herself and her own well-being.

So when he comes home one day and admits he's cheated and it was because he has low self esteem, will you stick around?
Because, let's be fair, if he is so obsessive over this, it seems the only way he can get clarity is through other women.
I personally think maybe he doesn't want to be in the relationship any more, maybe feeling like he's missed out on hook ups and other women, and maybe that's why he's feeling down. Sort of a mid life crisis type of thing.

Regardless it's toxic to me and you shouldn't be convincing your partner that other women would want them.

@greenberet

How to fix? See professionals.

....End.

Thanks for all the responses everyone I am grateful for the balance of views and can see both sides. MH is not an excuse to drag me into how low self-esteem every day but then I am here as his girlfriend and need to support him to some degree, at least in getting the right treatment.
He’s a lawyer with a high pressure job. He works in a very competitive, dog-eat-dog environment which does nothing for his confidence but equally he has no confidence to apply for other jobs. His office is ruthless and he’s just another number. Someone committed suicide there right before his depression hit and the office has done nothing to improve the well-being of their employees. He first got depression 2.5 years ago, it took him 12 months (and a few trials and errors) to get appropriate treatment. He was prescribed sertraline (an anti-d) and an anti-psychotic called risperidone. He came off his meds voluntarily 6 months ago, after being on them 12 months. They seemed to help (which ironically is why he came off cos he thought he was better - I didn’t know he was coming off). He is a lot worse right now than he was after a year on his meds. His dad is on his way round now so I have some support. His parents have always been quite reluctant to admit his mental health problems and even discouraged him from getting treatment, to the point we kept his treatment a secret from them when he started on meds. I am going to firmly say to them all tonight that if he does not pick up his treatment where he left off and see a therapist regularly and commit to addressinf these extreme self confidence issues I will have to take the decision to leave and protect my own MH. Hard when I love the man he is, he makes me laugh, we go to dance classes together and have the best time, he’s kind, he shows me affection and makes me feel loved (despite all of this I don’t really feel insecure, I’ve always known it was his issue not mine). But it is exhausting as we talk about how ugly he feels every day and I go through the motions of “well so and so hit on you... x said you were hot... so you can’t be ugly” etc. But I agree with some of the comments on here that it’s not really about looks it’s about his MH, so engaging in the discussion is a bad idea.

That sounds like a sensible way forward, OP.

I hope it works out for you.

I go through the motions of “well so and so hit on you... x said you were hot... so you can’t be ugly

Ive just read your update @ChickpeaKat, and am glad you and he are getting some support. This is no way for you to live. Id encourage you to break up, you can always get back together when he has got treatment and sorted his life. Might be an idea to look at codependency, meanwhile

Hi ChickpeaKat

It sounds like he has an extreme case of body dysmorphia.

He needs a specialist in this area, not just treatment for depression.

You must be going through absolute hell

“well so and so hit on you... x said you were hot... so you can’t be ugly”

That is a crazy conversation to be having with your boyfriend. Ignore his issues and listen/watch your own behaviours. Are they normal? The above is very abnormal.

there's a difference between a toxic relationship where someone is abusive and a relationship where there are MH issues which manifest as "abusive traits" and impacts on the relationship- being able to understand this difference is crucial if anyone wants to help never mind is able to help someone. you have to understand that the person has little control - if they did they would chose not to be depressed!

i totally agree OP has every right to put her own MH first but she asked for advice on how she can help him. she has to understand that the abusive traits are part of the illness that come out when triggered - its not the same as just having low self esteem - depression is an illness and from what is said on here he has suffered quite badly.

it also doesnt help that his parents were not on board - hopefully they will be now - sad to see that a stigma still exists in this day and age.
one of the symptoms of depression is that the person with the condition often doesn't see how ill they are - it is those around them that notice changes in behavior patterns.

prior to his depression triggered by a colleagues suicide OP was not aware of his issues - maybe he kept them under wraps -but i fail to see how anyone in his situation going through what he went through would not have been effected by the death of a colleague coupled with working in an extremely highly pressured environment.

if Op wants to help I recommend that book - sometimes things that you say to an abusive person without MH issues are not what can be said to someone with Mh issues - all you will be doing is more damage - the brain is functioning abnormally - it may be a long slow process for his recovery - and i can totally understand OP questioning whether she is able to cope with this

those that say they have "fixed" yourselves - are you free of depression or mh issues or are you under control with medication, therapy etc - do you believe you will never have an episode of depression again?

this is a genuine question - i have read a lot recently that says diet can play a huge part in depression. i am interested to know if it is something that can ever be fixed - it has always been a brain deficiency - or if its just that you can learn to manage it to the point where nothing will trigger off the symptoms ever again

this is a genuine question - i have read a lot recently that says diet can play a huge part in depression. i am interested to know if it is something that can ever be fixed - it has always

Diet for me played a huge. Protein is so important.
If I miss a meal of Animal protein one day I feel very down the next day. Mood swings and sugar cravings.
I find as soon as I got some protein in me I'm level again.
I used to be a vegetarian but it's no longer an option.
I've started drinking orange juice because I could the lack light starting to effect me.

I've suffered from 'sad' to.
This has been huge and brought my mood back to normal.
I make just I get enough sleep.
Eat and drink healthily.
16 months ago I also completed a CBT therapy.
It's a combination of these things.
I used to think my default setting was 'sad' it's not any more and hasn't been for a long time.

But it is exhausting as we talk about how ugly he feels every day and I go through the motions of “well so and so hit on you... x said you were hot... so you can’t be ugly” etc.

I say again

He should be in therapy and on meds

You are not qualified to help him nor (imo) should you be helping him

1. Because you can't
2. Because you have your own life to lead - a life where you 'should' be aiming to be happy and joyful

i am interested to know if it is something that can ever be fixed
Depression is not just one thing. It's more of an overall term, like "back pain". Just like back pain, depression can have a myriad of different causes, many cures and many different possible endings to the story. You can suffer from it for a few months or an entire lifetime. And even the professionals don't have that much of a grasp of it; it was seen for such a long time as not a physical problem that research has a lot of catching up to do.