I've fallen for my FWB

[Elove1]

Hey, im new here and need some advice lol!

So i met this guy in my early 20s (im now 30) and he will be soon. We met off some dating site and literally lived down the road from one another. It was purely sex back then. The sex was just sex (wham bam thankyou mam) he was a bit of a bad boy, had alot of energy in him and I knew I wasnt the only girl he was seeing. I did like him back then, but never said anything.
Fast forward to when I was 26, we were still sleeping with eachother but it ended when i got in a relationship. We didnt have any contact.
3 years later, that relationship ended and moved about 10 mins up the road from him. I found myself back on that dating site and found him on there. We started messaging again. He was also coming out of a messy relationship. Within weeks, he was coming back round for sex.

We've never spoken about 'what this is'. But it generally feels different. Hes alot more calmer, almost like a different person, like hes grown up a bit. At first, it was just really good sex. We'd hook up when we could (when my housemate wasn't home) but just recently, the sex has changed. Its slowed right now, almost like making love. He pleases me like no other man has and I cannot get enough of him. We seem to have a routine when he comes over; i make us lunch, we hang out in bed watching films and chatting about life, we have mindblowing sex, we hang out some more and he goes home. It's now been 8 months and today he came over when my housemate was in and he shook her hand and said hello lol. I've been feeling like this for a while and once did send him a text about it which he read but never replied to :(
He calls me beautiful to my face, passionately kisses me when he leaves. Hes polite and charming and ticks all the right boxes. But today, he asked me twice whats on my mind as im quiet. "So come on, tell me what's up. Why don't you just tell me?" It's like he knows what I wanna say, but im too much of a coward to say it.
On the one hand, i just wanna tell him Im head over heels for him but there's the fear of rejection. 2) I dont want it to be awkward, if he doesn't like me in the same way, atleast I'd know and to be honest, don't want to lose out on the sex!

Someone help me out here! Do I bite the bullet, tell him and risk it all, or do I just suck up it and enjoy having multiple orgasms lmao!!?

I do think there is some truth in kennys comments.

It's so difficult. When me and Dp were FWB, he never made me feel I was nothing when I wasn't with him. He still text me everday when he got up, he used to buy me small things like my favourite chocolate then drop it in, because he wanted to see me and had been thinking of me.

But I did used to think if he wanted to be with me, he would. Turns out he was thinking the same and thought I would run a mile if he said Anything. In the end I opened the door to the conversation, buy he jumped through it and said he wanted to be with me first.

It can work. But if you feel like nothing when he isn't around, then I don't think it is. And you don't sound like you really want FWB but willing to accept it as a compromise. That's not right.

When dp and I was fwb I was happy with just that and didn't want more. I was willing to walk away if he didn't have feelings. I wouldn't have settled for the next best thing and neither should you.

It's such a shame really.

What are you going to do OP?

In any context, I'd interpret the above comment to be said about a situation that came about by accident, couldn't be helped, and where the person affected had little control over it. That's not your situation. This situation has come about deliberately because it's what your FWB wants and you seem to just be going along with it even though you know it's not good.

Take control and stop being a bystander in your own relationships.

There's a few comments about him using you for sex....that's what FWB is about. You have sex and no emotions involved.

If its not working for you... you need to end it.

Just come out of a FWB situation, known him for over a year really but this has been 4 months long, he started doing sweet thoughtful things for me so I thought ah he must be getting feelings as well because sometimes when we'd meet we wouldn't have sex, we'd just eat, talk and watch movies and then go bed. He said he'd take me on a date but when I enquired about it he said he's not sure because he doesn't want me to think this fwb is going anywhere despite him doing all this lovely stuff for me. I was a bit nervous but just told him I developed feelings for him, obviously got shot down and he said he's open to having a gf....just not me. So now completely NC.

You just have to do it instead of analysing all his moves, things he says etc. It'll just eat you up inside wondering. What's the worst he can do? Just say no? We all hate rejection and missing out on good sex but would you rather be a love sick puppy all the time wondering? Or just get on with it and get on with your life. Life's too short for all this

I guess some of my comments are seen as ‘harsh’ but that’s because I’ve been there

I was 18. I convinced myself and the guy that I was cool with the whole FWB thing. In reality I was madly in love with him and thought having sex with him every now and then was better than nothing at all. I thought having sex with him would make him realise how much he loved me. I thought being the ‘cool’ girl meant he wouldn’t be interested in anybody else. How wrong I was.

Eventually I couldn’t deal with it and gave him an ultimatum. Either all or nothing. I knew for a long time he would pick ‘nothing’ but I held back that ultimatum because I didn’t want it confirmed. I didn’t tell him about my feelings because I thought it’d “scare him off”. But he did (kindly) give me my answer - he didn’t want a relationship.
I was heartbroken yet again.

That was all 10 years ago. I look back and want to shake the girl I was back then. I wish I had somebody tell me the brutal honest truth but there wasn’t anyone because I didn’t really tell people about the whole situation. I’d convinced myself that the way he’d hug me after sex meant something. I told myself the way he held my hand in bed must’ve meant that deep down he loved me nope.

We eventually got together years later once we both grew up and matured and we’ve been together ever since. Looking back it would never have worked at the time anyway but that’s besides the point. It only works now because we both open and honest with each other. Something I wasn’t capable of doing when I was 18.

The whole time the OP is having sex with this man she’s setting herself up for more hurt. I have the excuse of being so young - I don’t understand why a grown woman would allow herself to be in this position? If two people are genuinely enjoying the FWB arrangement then great I have no problems - but when someone’s only in it because they have feelings for the other and feels it’s better to be used for sex than have absolutely nothing at all from them - that’s really sad and I wouldn’t wish for anybody to be in that position.

OP, if he walked away it would hurt. But you’d know where you stand. And you’d probably find you feel more down and sad now than what you would if he was gone completely. To me, having someone ‘half there’ is worse than not having them there at all. Knowing they have one foot out the door is much worse..

You deserve better. Don’t put your happiness on hold or in another persons hands.

Hi guys. Thought I'd give you all the latest update and wrap this up.
So, to cut a long story short, I found out my FWB actually has a girlfriend who is pregnant. Crushed is a complete understatement.
Yesterday he came over for a talk. We listened to eachother and he admitted everything I had found out.
He admitted that he has feelings for me but under the circumstances, nothing can come of it (not that I'd want it to now) he also said that having sex with me did mean something.
So...thats the end of that really lol

@Elove1 oh no! I'm sorry to hear about that.. it's awful

Sounds like you dodged a bullet though to be honest x

What a complete arsehole! So he's been cheating on his pregnant girlfriend and completely messing with your head as well? I'm so glad this came to light! You can move on now and you can do so much better!!! Xxxx

It was a shock dont get me wrong. I am glad he sat there and admitted it all to my face. And regardless whether he has feelings for me or not, it shouldn't have continued. I'm in two minds with my feelings. Sadly i cannot just switch then off and yes, I do still fancy him. He's still my friend. There's a part of me that's beating myself up, wishing I was his girlfriend. Not because I wanna date him (because I dont) but I suppose because she has everything I wanted. We are on talking terms. We will no doubt still hook up as friends. Im glad I wasn't going mad when I thought the sex meant something more to him. I don't wanna hear nothing about his child etc because that really hurts so I'll no doubt cut all ties when its born.

Easy for me to say, but cut all ties now, I can guarantee he will try and have sex with you again.
Just think of his poor girlfriend, she doesn't deserve it.
And as for her having everything you want? All she has now is a bastard that's cheating on her while she's pregnant with his child

But he isn’t your friend though

He lied to you and used you. That’s not what friends do.

That’s bad but please don’t ‘hook up’ as friends. You know where that will lead.

He's not your friend and hooking up as friends will only lead to one thing. Cut all ties and move on to better things.

Please don't keep sleeping with him. He was using you to have his cake and eat it.

Why would you want to be friends with a man who has been cheating on his pregnant girlfriend? Put yourself in her position. Whilst you can’t force him to tell her what a first class shit he is, how can you justify remaining in contact now you know?

Btw when I say been there done that, I don’t mean with a man with a pregnant girlfriend. I just mean, trying to end it but not managing to and dragging it out too long.

Wow. Wasn't expecting that when I started reading your thread.

I've had what I thought was the beginnings of a relationship, but for him it was just sex. It's soul destroying.

He kept telling me that the sex was amazing. (It wasn't for me).

At least you know now and can move on. Don't put much stock on him saying the sex meant a lot to him. It meant nothing. He's letting you down gently to keep his options open for it to continue.

This girl already knows he's cheated on her more than once. Whether shes nieve or completely stupid, she's still with him. I know for a fact I'd have run a mile. Yes I know cutting ties now is the best thing to do.

You know for a fact you'd have run a mile, yet you slept with him as a FWB for a decade? Lol. This guy must be one helluva dude.

Whether shes nieve or completely stupid, she's still with him. I know for a fact I'd have run a mile.

Oh dear OP, that's not a very nice thing to say about this poor women when you are doing the exact same thing. You haven't run a mile.

You can't stay friends. You certainly should hook up as friends either

You know what's best. So sorry.

God, how revolting he is. I hope you won’t see him any more OP, no good of it can come for you. He doesn’t deserve the credit of admitting it all when you’d already found out.

You should get an STD check, if he’s messing about with you he’ll be messing about with other people too.

I would also tell his girlfriend. Even if you think she already knows, she doesn’t know about you.

This guy must be one helluva dude.

Had the same thought. The girlfriend's still with him and OP is still friends with him and thinks they'll still meet up as mates. Sure the girlfriend will be happy about that.

Oh, OP, please raise your bar.

As You had already texted him saying you want more and he didnt respond I think that said it all really but people on MN tend to want a happy ending so
will keep encouraging an OP when they perhaps shouldnt!

Firstly, I knew nothing of his girlfriend until a friend told me. She got in contact with her and told her but she didn't believe any it. The next day I ended things with him and then the day after that me and him sat down and spoke.