I've fallen for my FWB

[Elove1]

Hey, im new here and need some advice lol!

So i met this guy in my early 20s (im now 30) and he will be soon. We met off some dating site and literally lived down the road from one another. It was purely sex back then. The sex was just sex (wham bam thankyou mam) he was a bit of a bad boy, had alot of energy in him and I knew I wasnt the only girl he was seeing. I did like him back then, but never said anything.
Fast forward to when I was 26, we were still sleeping with eachother but it ended when i got in a relationship. We didnt have any contact.
3 years later, that relationship ended and moved about 10 mins up the road from him. I found myself back on that dating site and found him on there. We started messaging again. He was also coming out of a messy relationship. Within weeks, he was coming back round for sex.

We've never spoken about 'what this is'. But it generally feels different. Hes alot more calmer, almost like a different person, like hes grown up a bit. At first, it was just really good sex. We'd hook up when we could (when my housemate wasn't home) but just recently, the sex has changed. Its slowed right now, almost like making love. He pleases me like no other man has and I cannot get enough of him. We seem to have a routine when he comes over; i make us lunch, we hang out in bed watching films and chatting about life, we have mindblowing sex, we hang out some more and he goes home. It's now been 8 months and today he came over when my housemate was in and he shook her hand and said hello lol. I've been feeling like this for a while and once did send him a text about it which he read but never replied to :(
He calls me beautiful to my face, passionately kisses me when he leaves. Hes polite and charming and ticks all the right boxes. But today, he asked me twice whats on my mind as im quiet. "So come on, tell me what's up. Why don't you just tell me?" It's like he knows what I wanna say, but im too much of a coward to say it.
On the one hand, i just wanna tell him Im head over heels for him but there's the fear of rejection. 2) I dont want it to be awkward, if he doesn't like me in the same way, atleast I'd know and to be honest, don't want to lose out on the sex!

Someone help me out here! Do I bite the bullet, tell him and risk it all, or do I just suck up it and enjoy having multiple orgasms lmao!!?

I think you are very much over thinking the latest ‘developments’ sorry op

Regardless of how you dress it up in your head or how romantic you convince yourself these things are, the fact is he’s coming over for sex with very little effort. So what he stayed an extra few hours? Doesn’t mean a thing !

As for him and you agreeing not to sleep with anybody else - again, that means absolutely nothing. He’s getting regular good sex off you he probably has no need or desire to look elsewhere at the moment

You’re a grown woman who’s fallen for this man. If you want to be with him just be honest and speak to him like adults? I don’t understand, you let him put his penis inside you but can’t even talk to him about your true feelings? just be honest and have the chat with him. I don’t know how people have the time to mess about like this

Jesus Christ just be straight with the guy, surely you’re old enough to be past this level of ‘does he like, like me’ crap.

OMG I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU

But nothing out the ordinary has happened. Theyre still very firmly FWB

Sorry to burst your bubble but the latest development doesn't mean anything.

I had a FWB years ago. It went on for 4 years. He used to spend all day at mine. But it was nothing more than a casual relationship that suited us both at the time.

Feelings did get involved, on both sides. But then age gap was too big and we wanted different things out of life.

The only way you will get an idea of how he feel is actually having a serious conversation with him. Are you scared of hearing the truth?

Good luck!

I had a fwb set up for about 8 years whenever we were both single. At the time it worked perfectly for us.

Two years ago we realised that things had changed and now we couldn’t be happier and are planning on buying a house.

It can work, just take it slowly and enjoy.

So he's said he thought you were already "exclusive"?

@bitoutofpractice - yeah

Then it sounds like he's heading in the same direction as you and you need to talk!

My FWB and I fell in love and have an amazing relationship! It can definitely work. A lot of replies are suggesting you find out exactly what this is and do it NOW! I think men are wired slightly differently and are often more in the moment than obsessing over what will be. Massive generalisation I know, but I do think it’s more so the case for men. So I wouldn’t be too manic about trying to define exactly what this is. Enjoy what sounds to me like the transition into a relationship, keep your feelings guarded but perhaps start to let them go a little and see how he reacts. You say you don’t go out, so why not ask him out? The cinema, a drink, a takeaway coffee and a walk...

Thanks @PARunnerGirl. We had a nice night Tuesday into Wednesday. I think Im just gunna play it cool and see how it pans out.

Oh fgs OP get a grip! You’re a grown woman why are you trying to “play it cool” and be the “cool girl” ?!

You’ve fallen for this man. So tell him. Unless you know deep down he only wants you for sex.

You aren’t exlusive at all, he’s just not sleeping with anybody else simply because he’s getting regular sex without any effort with you and has no need to search elsewhere because that would require effort

I’m not being nasty I’m being realistic. Stop trying to be “cool” in the hope you don’t scare him off. Tell him how you feel. Otherwise you’ll be back posting in a few months about how heartbroken you are because he’s met someone he wants to commit to

OP I'm a bit confused, although he said yes you are exclusive, does that mean you are now bf and gf? or are you just doing the FWB exclusively with each other?

I ask because I was in a similar sitaution once before and learned very fast that being exclusive was not the same as actually being in a relationship.

If you are okay with doing the exclusive fwb thing, but if you would like more (proper dates, proper wooing) then I would let him know, if he doesnt want that too, i would stop now before you get hurt.

It's so easy to fall for someone in this sitaution, especially as he comes across as a decent person, he probably is but at the moment it doesnt sound like he treats this like a relationship

I prefer to know what is happening in my own life.

Pretending to be the Cool Girl while guessing his intentions will bring you no peace or clarity.

Don’t you want to be in charge of your life?

@MsDogLady

No she wouldn’t. She’d rather accept crumbs off him whilst telling herself that his little actions mean more than they do. She thinks this is better than nothing, and would rather be used for sex than grow a backbone and give him an ultimatum.

Being the “cool girl” won’t be very cool when he suddenly drops you once he finds someone he wants to commit to OP.
“Exclusively” agreeing not to shag other people doesn’t mean a damn thing. He is still single. Until he tells you he is in a relationship with you, you still don’t mean anything to him other than a quick shag.
The only reason he said that is because he doesn’t have any need to shag elsewhere because that would require effort. Where as with the OP, he gets lots of sex and movie days without putting any effort in

If you really think being the “cool girl” will make him want to be with you then you are very naive.

Woah! I meant playing it cool by just enjoying the moment.

Harsh comments!
The only way you will know is if you talk about it. Everything else is just a guess.
You really have nothing to lose!!
Best of luck to you @Elove1

Thankyou @wheresthehope

@Elove1 good luck with everything. Im in the same boat as you and ive decided to just go with the flow and enjoy the moment.

I think that's what I'll be doing too @Staceykins. Good luck!

I got with my boyfriend April 2014. A few dates and he asked me to move in (in hindsight a red flag, I know, I know) anyway the next few weeks his ex FWB, who
I didn’t know about, would turn up, or message him “support” (read: pics of her in a bikini etc) or messages saying she wished she could hate him but loved him so much.. he had always been clear it was just FWB but because he’d introduced her to his family (!), spent nights just watching films and lying on the sofa not necessarily shagging, and taken her as plus 1 to a wedding she thought it was gonna go further.. my point is that he/she carried this on for 2 years and I learnt from that that men can do things and say things that can be misinterpreted (deliberately? Who knows) as wanting more but are actually just words to maintain the status quo of a convenient shag until something better comes along. And then the other party (because women can do this to men of course) ends up allowing themsleves hope that ends up false, because it’s easy to fake intimacy. Just cos they do this or that doesn’t mean you should carry on in a situation that doesn’t actually fulfil you, the hope they will come round or eventually fall in love with you. In the end I had to leave that bf, cos when I found out how he’d treated her I couldn’t feel the same about him tbh (along with many other things I’m no SJW right on powerhouse sadly) but yeah it’s scary A) what men will say and do to keep a comfy shag going on and B) what a woman will let herself believe/put up with in the hope that he’ll “see what he’s missing/come around/realise her worth” :(
When I left him I saw he re-added her on Instagram, and they were liking each other’s stuff.. all I felt was sad for her and hoped she wouldn’t go back to the man who’d ghosted her, just because she thought she was in love with him- she could do so much better!

Shit sorry for the essay OP and I hope that didn’t come across as self-congratulatory the man was a snake who was waiting for something better and treated his ex FWB Like crap and knew he would get away with it- was my point really and don’t be that girl- you deserve to be the ONE priority and you’ll know when you are that! And I don’t think that is this xx

@ladyjadie - you know, i think I've come to the conclusion that I am defo not his priority. He makes me feel like the only woman in the world when hes here, but im nothing when he's not. It's such a shame really.

But they’re not harsh comments. You aren’t “going with the flow” either you’re letting use you for sex without telling him how you really feel because you’re scared that he’ll confirm what you already know - he just sees you as sex.

I don’t understand why, as a grown woman, you don’t want to take control of your life and emotions??? You will end up hurt OP. And you’ll only have yourself to blame.

If you’re willing to have his penis inside you why aren’t you willing to have an adult conversation about how you really feel?

He makes me feel like the only woman in the world when hes here, but im nothing when he's not

And there’s you’re answer. You are nothing to him other than someone to shag when he’s horny. Why would you want to “enjoy the flow” ? There is no flow you’re just torturing yourself.

Have you ever seen the episode of “he’s just not that into you” of sex and the city? Seriously, watch it.
Stop bullshitting yourself OP. If he wanted to be with you then he would.

Gosh @Kennycalmit your comments are quite harsh, but I tell you what, it's what I would've wanted to hear when I was in OPs situation. Sometimes you need comments that just slap you in the face and don't beat around the bush. OP you deserve better.