Anyone have a friend who is perfectly nice but .......

[nailclippersandmince]

For some reason they do your tits in.

I'll probably get flamed but I need to get this off my chest a bit. This person, let's call her Charlotte, is nice, kind, funny and yes I do like spending time with her but I've come to realise when I have any contact or communication with her I'm a bit tense.

When I leave her company, I feel myself relax and find myself ranting about all the small things she's said or done that irk me. When I get a text or a WhatsApp from her I feel myself tense up.

I find her a bit all consuming and smothering I think.

So let contact drift then.

Be honest with yourself, you don’t really like spending time with her if you leave and spend time replying all the things that annoyed you.

It's not worth getting stressed out over, is it? Just gradually let things slide.

Don't lots of people know someone like this? I certainly do - I have no idea why what this woman does irritates me in a number of ways, but it just does. I have never told anyone (except MN right now) that I find her annoying because am sure she is a very nice person.

But I have just let the friendship drift. Sometimes the chemistry doesn't work - who knows why - and life is too short (and there are too many other people to see).

Hard to let drift as we are in a mutual friend group. To begin with I only ever saw her as part of that larger group so it was ok, but in the last year she seems to have chosen me as her new best friend and I don't know how to get it back to where it was before. The constant texts just asking 'How are you' are too much.

So be honest with her. Tell her kindly that you aren’t an every day texter. Tell her you don’t have the bandwidth to be responding all the time.

See her in the group but don’t arrange any individual get togethers.

I get this 100% OP my housemate is exactly the same. I love her dearly and we're good friends but when I hear her come into the house or it sounds like she is heading to knock on my door I cringe. Sometimes she's wonderful, sometimes she's a pain in the arse and sometimes she's totally unreasonable, just like me

You don’t have to feel guilty or obligated or even to work out logically why you feel like this - you just do - so put in the distance. The chemistry isn’t there for you - that doesn’t make you bad or her bad or you better or her better. It just is what it is. Start “the fade”. Maybe you feel cross with yourself for getting dragged in to the one to ones over the past year? Friendships ebb and flow, grow and fade and change shape over time. So don’t worry about it. Just move on. Will be interesting how she responds when you start to detach - I got a ranting text, telling me off, 9 months after I edged away from someone that I found over bearing - glad I trusted my gut!

I was in that situation with a friend for a long time. Eventually I knew I had to distance myself because I just didn't know how to deal with the friendship. But the distancing made things worse. Eventually friend got really angry with me and we haven't spoken since. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

Iv got a friend who I love to bits.. she chats utter bollocks, I know this but I smile and go along with it 😂

I also have a friend like that who I am extremely fond of. But she texts nearly every day with "How are you?". Rather than just saying Fine thanks, I feel obliged to send her a long humorous text back with my current situation or activity. Its very waring.

I would die for my best friend, she's closer to me than a sister. But fucking hell she's annoying.

I've trained her out of 'how are you' texts by ghosting them. How the fuck are you meant to answer them meaningfully whilst at work halfway through a Tuesday morning?

I should employ my DS's stock reply:

'normal'.

TinTin sounds like you did exactly the right thing - if your “friend” got really angry because you put in some space - it’s told you all you need to know......they are not a nice person and don’t respect your boundaries - which is probably what you had “felt” for a long time but were not able to pin it down or put into words.

Other things I've trained her out of: asking me if I'm busy on a certain date before telling me what the invitation involves, and getting me to commit to the pub before telling me fucking Susan's going.

Words were had.

Bigonesmallone3 - maybe your friend is my one too. She chats utter bollocks without drawing breath for hours at a time. I’m relatively quiet so it’s time I use to zone out a bit and just relax in my own head!

Morriszapp - our family’s stock reply to that is satisfactory slash tolerable.

Oh My, I had a friend like that and while I tried to keep the friendship going over a few years, in the end I just let her go and we drifted apart. You want to centre yourself around people who make you feel good and its clear she does not! Do not be rude if she gets in touch or do not ignore her in the street but I would not be running out to have lunch with her anytime soon either.

Morris - I hate that too “are you free on 28th?” .... forcing a yes / no before telling what the event is.....

Yes, absolutely! She goes through "besties" & friendship groups like nobody I've ever known... Found myself distancing from her in recent weeks as I don't need the drama in my life!!

I understand this. I’ve had to cut back on a previously close friend because she just wound me up and I’m not sure why. Even a message from her would make me roll my eyes inwardly, even if it was perfectly fine.
I still see her but we are friends who catch up now and again rather than the text every day best friends we were.

Tis nice to know it’s not just me.

She always over complicates things, clearly doesn’t hear a damn thing I say, thinks she knows me so well (she doesn’t) and her conversations jump all over the place like I’ve been caught in a pinball machine. She never finishes one conversation before going off in a tangent. Grrrrr. Good advice here. I don’t feel so bad about it now. I’ll just ignore her a bit more

*I should employ my DS's stock reply:

'normal'.*

I love this and am going to use it. I've got a bit of a Charlotte. I like mine but we message too much - well she does, and I sort of feel obligated to sometimes message her for no reason too.
What I have found, and I haven't told anyone this in rl, is that I go off friends who communicate on WhatsApp. I only like the friends who text. In fact I thought of deleting WhatsApp, which would be better for my friendships all round. (I can't because of dcs clubs)

Thanks another you are probably right. I wish we had managed to just drift away from each other rather than end on an argument. But I am glad to not have that awkward feeling of having to meet up with her when I don't want to.

Oh ToffeeTruckin, I hear you. I get embroiled in all these WhatsApp groups and Messenger Groups. They get overused and my phone pings constantly. They end up with long pointless silly communiques that have nothing to do with the original reason they were set up. I'm going to spend tomorrow extrapolating myself from a few. And I think I'll switch my phone data off so it goes back to being just a phone where if you need me you can call me or text me. Even that seems too much. How did we all function before smartphones? Since my phone upgraded and I get a message each week stating what my average usage on it is - I got a real shock. New Year Resolution right there. Less phone!

"I hate that too “are you free on 28th?” .... forcing a yes / no before telling what the event is....."

Don't play that game. Play hard to get instead. Respond with "Why do you ask?" You don't have to use a confrontational tone, it can be done mildly with a smile, tease it gently out of them with "what's up then?" sort of thing, but don't give any clues yourself until the reason is clear.

I just mute notifications on the whatsapp group messages and skim read them when I can be bothered