Anyone have a friend who is perfectly nice but .......

[nailclippersandmince]

For some reason they do your tits in.

I'll probably get flamed but I need to get this off my chest a bit. This person, let's call her Charlotte, is nice, kind, funny and yes I do like spending time with her but I've come to realise when I have any contact or communication with her I'm a bit tense.

When I leave her company, I feel myself relax and find myself ranting about all the small things she's said or done that irk me. When I get a text or a WhatsApp from her I feel myself tense up.

I find her a bit all consuming and smothering I think.

Familiarity breeds contempt, and the constant attention can get suffocating, particularly when the other person expects you to be a performing monkey, looks up to you or admires you. I asked my teenager (going on 40) whether she would be seeing her best school friend over Christmas and she said, “God no, we see each other so much in school that we’re sick of each other by the end of term. We like to have a break and then get back together at the start of the next term”. And that makes sense. Tell her kindly you don’t have time to text so much and you don’t really like it anyway except to make arrangements, and arrange to see her at a frequency you’re happy with, and for a length of time you’re happy with, not her. Gaining control over the situation should help.

I always thought I was bu about the "how are you" texts. I hurt my arm once (mildly) was still functioning etc and my 'Charlotte' asked me about it around 6 times in two days, despite me trying to change the subject, having already said it was fine. She also huffs pretty badly if you don't text from morning until night. Never thinks you might be having a tough time, just takes it as a slight on her. Very draining, hard to be friends with someone like that. I do agree, less phone usage would be a positive!

'Are you free on 28th?'
'I'll have to check if DH has anything planned, what have you got in mind?'

A husband who keeps his diary at work and doesn't acknowledge the calendar on the kitchen wall is mostly a pain in the arse but can come in useful.

I love my WhatsApp groups! They keep me sane. But they are generally family ones or NCT ones which is organising stuff.

I too have had Charlotte friends in the past. You need to phase her out. Start ghosting the odd message. Then start the next with ‘oh sorry I forgot to reply’ and then just slowly stop replying.

Saves any awkward conversations and you can still hang out as part of a friendship group.

Morris - I hate that too “are you free on 28th?” .... forcing a yes / no before telling what the event is.....

Yeah I echo others, don’t play into this! They can’t force you to agree to something. Reply with ‘for what?’ ‘depends on what’s on offer’ ‘depends who’s asking’ ‘not sure yet, why?’ and so forth.

I’m not a ‘not sure yet’ sort of person as I’m very organised and can tell you here and now if I’m free on any specific date this year, but if someone tried to pin me down to something before knowing what it was I’d reply with that. Cos how can you possibly know whether you want to do something before knowing what it is? It might not be something you enjoy or that you can afford, or worth your time!

I think you can usually tell when people are using that approach manipulatively. Maybe there’s something about them that puts people off and means they find few people are willingly agreeing to hang out with them so they resort to underhand tactics like that.

I used to have a friend who was perfectly nice on the surface, but yes...she got on my tits because she had what I can only describe as an air of superiority when she discussed her life. Conversations were very one sided as it always had to be about her. Everything she did was 'right' and if she found out you were doing a new hobby, she would ingratiate herself into it too...buying all the equipment out right and making it her thing. Her DD became best friends with my DD and to be honest, the apple didn't fall far from the tree. Her DD would monopolise my DD and would be arsey if she had other friends. I was friends with her for 7 years until she did something extremely unforgivable within our circle of friends (long story!) and I had to put her at arm's length. We met up sporadically after I moved my DD to another school (a relief for my DD to get away from the over bearing DD of this friend). She was very intent that my DD and her DD should still spend time together, but I made a lot of excuses and eventually all round, the friendships have fizzled out. I never hear from her now and it is a massive relief!!

I think that if the “are you free on the 28th” came from a genuine friend that you respected you would feel fine saying yes/no/don’t know - because even if it was something you didn’t want to do generally you might do it for / with a great mate or be confident to say “that’s a pants idea” ..... but with these other types you feel cornered and hijacked - and the thought of spending loads more time of your precious time with “Charlotte” doing something shite puts the wind up you!

Best to release these types back into the friendship wilderness where they can find someone else more suited to them...... listen to your gut always and act on it!

'release into the friendship wilderness'

Brilliant! Just brilliant!

I feel guilty admitting this even to myself,that my best friend,who I've known for just over 50 years,does my head in sometimes. She is often late for meet ups,and for someone like me,who's a stickler for time keeping,it can be intensely annoying. But....she's always got a perfectly plausible -excuse reason for being late. She's also always 'trying to better herself'. Fine,I've got no problem whatsoever with that. But what I DO have a problem with is seeing her run herself ragged trying to juggle her demanding,full time job with a different evening class 5 nights a week,and various courses or seminars in her latest interest at the weekend. And she thinks that I should be doing the same! Apart from the fact that my income is nowhere near as high as hers for a start,I couldn't afford to spend 300 quid on a weekend course on 'learning how to be more assertive' or whatever,I am quite happy as I am,thank you. I don't feel the need,like she so obviously does,trying to stretch myself in six different directions at once. Apart from all this,she's lovely!

My ‘friend once ranted at me solidly for about 2 hours about all her woes, her childrens’ woes, the ways in which she was a victim, problems at work etc. very loudly while I nodded.
She then had the brass neck to announce that she preferred me to her other friend because the other friend only talks about herself whereas we’re able to have a more 2 way discussion.
Some people are genuinely really odd. I often think that if some people’s brsins were analysed, there would be some strange things found.

Friend will tell me she’s been to ‘Legs, Bums and Tums’ or whatever and I am beyond not interested, but she so can’t tell.

the problem is your friend just doesn't listen, so telling her anything will probably be a waste of time

best just to let contact slide and let her inflict her niceness on some other poor soul hopefullynotme

Mepsi you should ask her what she learnt on the assertiveness course and use it on her! Also be late for her for next three meet ups and give some daft excuse - out some manners on her - v v rude to be late repeatedly - thief of your time - thinks your time is less valuable than hers.

put not out

#iamcharlotte

My best friend is someone I love to pieces but she drives me nuts and I her.
She never gives a straight answer when I invite her to something...it’s always ‘see how things pan out’ - well,no, because if you’re not coming I want to make other plans!!

I initiate texting more than she does. She’s making more effort after we had a chat about how her short responses and not sharing the trivial stuff make me feel she doesn’t care about my life. And that I’m not important to her.

When we chat and I feel connected to her,I feel cared about and I’m less demanding.

I’m anxious. She’s avoidant. We bring out the best and worst in each other.

Shednik, I would never be that vague though. If she asked me something I say straight up yay or nay. What then bugs me is the constant 'are you sure', coz I could have it on another night, or this or that or whatever. YES I'M SURE, can you please just get the message.

The thing is she is NOT my best friend. She is someone I know from a bigger group of people who about 18 months ago, for whatever reason has decided she wants me to be her new best friend and pesters the hell out of me with constant WhatsApp messages asking how I am, what am I up to, here's a photo of my dog being silly, her entire photo album of what she's done that day - I can't get a minutes peace.

Because I said I wasn't going to something she phones me afterwards to ask if I'm all right, and maybe we can meet up the next week. I didn't answer the call so this message was left on voicemail. And all of us are meeting the following week anyway and this is all arranged but she wants yet more of my time.

I've still not responded and now she's sending WhatsApp messages of memes and funnies.

I am trying to have a life, taking my elderly mother for lunch, collect shoes from the cobblers, get the shopping in, change the beds, hang up the washing, make the dinner and pluck a fucking pheasant. PLEASE CHARLOTTE JUST LEAVE ME IN PEACE TO GET MY SHIT DONE FFS!

nail she is really unhinged and socially inept isn’t she ? She has no respect for your time, personal space and your boundaries. She just wants your attention and is actually very very selfish pushing herself right into your space. I bet she has pissed off many othe “best friends”’in the past. I would tell me that you are taking a break from WhatsApp for the next two weeks and will not be responding to texts etc - so don’t send any. Need to be really blunt with her.

Yup, I'd say that her behaviour is becoming more and more needy and the more I try to distance myself, the more she clings on in any desperate way. I've still not responded to her in any way and my phone remains in 'data off' mode. I've got stuff on tonight so will reply tersely tomorrow that I am perfectly fine however I have switched my phone data off coz I was being constantly interrupted by messages

I hate that too “are you free on 28th?” .... forcing a yes / no before telling what the event is.....

Nope. I would say, ‘Not sure yet, why?’.

Have replied at last via WhatsApp. As well as stating I was absolutely fine I said that I'm trying to do less screen time as I can't get anything done for constant interruptions [big grin] so in emergencies I can be contacted by text or phone as my data is switched off then I can pick other messages up in the evening when I've gotten all my stuff done. I got a terse reply. Will be seeing her next week twice as part of larger group. Will see how that goes.

I have a friend like this. She wants far more from me than I can give. I respond to one in four of her texts.

Ha! What did she say?

I hate Charlottes

I don't really see friends enough to feel that way, and I haven't really moved beyond the "on my guard" phase with any of them due to infrequency of contact.

Hubble it was a very brief 'oh that's nice x'

Saw this post days ago, felt really angry since and created an account specifically to reply.. Op, maybe your friend is a really nice decent person. Maybe she has struggled to make connections all her life. Maybe she sees you as some one m that relationship.

Maybe Op, when 'Charlotte ' asks you what you are doing on the 28th, what she is really saying is let's go
out, have some fun, make memories and live our lives. Op, if that does not 'fit in ' with you because can't be arsed that's not Charlottes issue. Your dear kind 'Charlotte' takes time in her day to msg you, but you are too busy to msg her back.

Perhaps op , you need to look at your time management skills ,as if you genuinely have no time to deal with friendships there is something very wrong in your life and the way in which you are organising your time. You have said you are busy and have no free time to engage in her conversation... bollocks... you have found time to post on here.. perhaps you could have spent that time replying
to your 'friend'. You need to organise your time better OP.

If you have no time for friends there is something Very wrong in your work life balance and you are not coping well with life's demands. Either that or you are talking utter bollocks!

Which one is it OP?

Perhaps OP, stop looking at what 'Charlotte ' does wrong and spend a bit of time looking at what kind of 'friend' YOU are. Personally, I think Charlotte is a decent attentive person and she can do better than the two faced lazy arsed 'friend' ship you are offering. It looks to me like you are lazy and cannot be bothered to invest in this friendship. You are clearly too busy to maintain real life human friendships. That in itself is worrying because your work life balance is clearly out of kilter and you are not coping efficiently with the demands. In that case, get some bollocks and tell Charlotte what you feel. Tell her what you have written here and set her free. Allow her to focus on decent people who will appreciate her attentions . It sounds like you are too busy to fit people into your life. You clearly need to look at how you manage your life as if you are too busy to reply to friends there are some serious time issues and you need to address your work/life balance.

In the mean time move on then Op as you are. Stop posting on here behind her back and the safety of your user name, grow a pair of bollocks and tell your friend that you are done. Give her the freedom she deserves. Have some respect for her and yourself, and tell her the truth, allow her to Iive without the 2 faced back stabbing, internet forum discussing,chicken shit 'friend' that you are.

Show her this thread and get some ballsI Stop hiding behind the anonymity of this forum. If you want to blow her out ,do , it and stop moaning on here, get some guts and tell her face to face. Stop this half replying to what apps... phasing out... not replying cowardice gaslighting shite... gets some bollocks and tell her fact to face. . ....
Take the initiative and set her free.

You reap what you sow in this life . You are putting a throughly decent friend out to Pasture right now all because you are not quite sure what you are doing on the 28th... I've never heard such fake pony in all my life. Your friend gets on your 'tits', & quite frankly op you get on mine with your drivel! OP enjoy this 28th of this month.. and next month and the month after and each month years after that because one day Op , it will be the 28th of a month & you will be alone.., and there will be no arrangements in place for that date or WhatsApp's msg's. You will spend those 28th days sitting at home alone love, when you had a perfectly good friend who would have spent those future days with you. But, she will have new friends then and you will be sat at home alone, with your data switched firmly on, waiting for someone..anyone... to msg!

Enjoy your 'data free ' time now OP. Hope your full days now keep you company in the future when you are old and alone and binned off all your genuine friends. Hope your data, when switched back on, keeps you company!