how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

Thanks for all the ideas.

I think I have the house!! My dad has offered to be guarantor for me!

I bought 2 new beds for DC 3&4 today from gumtree, great condition and a real bargain, they are low cabin beds so they can have a den underneath!!

I have been thinking about the set up of the house. It allows for 4 bedrooms, my initial thought was for DD’s to have own rooms and DS’s share but then I thought DS2 and DD2 are only 6 and 4, they could share and allow older 2 to have their own rooms.
I know DC 3&4 can’t share forever but for a few years at least. What do you all think?

I’m so excited!!

DH has been trying to act like nothing happened. Until I stopped him bossing DS1 about, then he straight away sat and watched tv refusing to acknowledge the chaos going on around him.

The younger two will probably appreciate each other's company with all the changes.

Sounds great, what about kitchen utensils?

Sharing is fine, and can be good fun for younger children like them. They may find it really helpful and comforting to share too as it's going to be a big upheaval for them.

FYI, I shared with my two others until my older brother was 10ish when he went into his own room, but my younger brother and I continued to share for a year or so after that, so I was 9 or 10 when I got my own room (this ws because we always had lots of itinerant relatives or downon their parental friends, and also PGs from various Embassies living with us when we were little. It took time for The Parents to extricate frrom all that and the roo to come free). Of course we kids would argue and fight but we had a lot of fun sharing too and in many ways it brought us closer together, it also helped us to learn when it was necessary for someone to be left alone.

I have been feeling quite down the last couple of days.

This is so hard! I just want it over and done.

All I can do is shop for the new house. Can’t concentrate on anything else.

I just want to sleep for 13 days

You can do this

Keep going! You are doing so well. Have been following your thread from the start and have been so impressed with all you've achieved.

You can do this! It's already been 5 days since you got the house! Time IS moving!

Counting down the sleeps 😀

Yes, I am counting down. I’m just annoyed at myself for feeling sad.

Just waiting in solicitors now.

I get it. But remember you're counting days now. Before, you were counting years! (As in how many more years can I put up with this shit) Good luck at the solicitor's.

Hi everyone.

I got the house! References all back today so it’s definitely mine!

Now I have to tell DH. I’m dreading it.
One solicitor told me that if I’m worried he won’t let me take stuff then don’t tell him, just go. I can’t do that to him though, I need to be honest and just tell him straight.

I feel awful

You need to have everything ready or already out before you tell him. I would give minimal notice as every second after that will be hideous for your DCs and you. Is it possible to have a friend with you when you tell him ? Or contingency if he kicks off or is obstructive - your DCs don’t need to see this x

Don’t feel awful - remember his threats to burn the house down.

One solicitor told me that if I’m worried he won’t let me take stuff then don’t tell him, just go.

Hooray for that solicitor

I can’t do that to him though,

Sure you can, there is nothing physically stopping you!

I need to be honest and just tell him straight.

No, you don't need to, but you want to. He certainly wouldn't be inclined to give you the same courtesy. And you are 2000% entitled to avoid any hassle or 'incidents'.

It's not like you plan to clean out the whole house, you're entitled to take things for your new home that are reasonable and necessary. And if he won't leave you peaceably alone to do so, then you are entitled to do it any way you can.

You know how telling him straight goes for you.

You do not need to keep him apprised of your intentions.

Basically you want him to sabotage you or talk you out of it.

Basically you want him to sabotage you or talk you out of it.
Ouch.
Or possibly some sort of unrealistic wishful thinking - where he has a personality transplant and declares his sorrow, undying love and promises you all the moon on a stick at the 11th hour.......I know that’s what you have always wanted to happen - but it never will.

Expect his worst behaviour - and protect yourself and your DC from the ugliness.

He won't take it well and will take it out on you or the children or both.

This is the time when he will try to lull you into a false sense of security and then..... well, don't forget how many women are killed by their 'partners'. Not trying to scare you, but you have ch ildren counting on you so best to play safe.

Basically you want him to sabotage you or talk you out of it.

No definitely not.

I have made my decision and I’m not waivering.

I have a conscience that’s all.

I don't think it's conscience: it's the continuing FOG that insists you put his interests ahead of your own and your children's.

We're talking about a man who says he'd rather destroy the home than allow you have your share, choosing spite over provision for his own children.

I don't think there's a moral highground in giving him the opportunity to put obstacles in your way and confrontation.

Take the solicitor advice and move out when he is not around. It will be safer for all concerned. You get your belongings and he gets to blow up without an audience.
Good luck 💐

Ok so you can all say “I told you so” Just told DH, wish I hadn't! He has told me he feels like taking a baseball bat and smashing everything up. He tried to force me to tell the kids saying mummy's got something to tell you and it's not good, he kept on telling me to tell them infront of them but I didn't. Said he won't let me take anything from the house.
I have told him we are going in a few weeks. I think I'm just going to have to go when he's at work.
He says he can’t afford the house on his own so he won’t pay the mortgage.

Your children didn’t need to experience this they must be terrified.

Have you spoken with the children and reassured them now?

Hi, I am new to this thread but just wanted to say how brave and admirable I think you are. You've managed to bag yourself a new job and get yourself a new property while you divorce all while studying!!

Wish you loads of luck for the future and I'm sure it's going to be a great one x

Thank you Rea348

Yes another20 I have reassured them.

I came on here just a couple of weeks ago looking for advice to build better relationships between DH and DC and DH and me. Since then I have taken all your advice and views onboard, I have ended my marriage, found a new home for me and DC, secured a new job, new furniture, seen a doctor for domestic abuse and started the ball rolling for a divorce with a solicitor. I have told my family and friends and my older DC to ensure there is no going back. I actually think I have done pretty damn good so if I make a poor decision every now and again I don’t think I deserve to be made to feel bad about it.

Thank you all for your support. I could not have done it without you