how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

You've done well op. It would be worth getting advice from your solicitor/the police on his threats to smash up the house or not pay the mortgage.

In the meantime get a redirection order for all your post while you're still living there, tell the important people (work, banks, schools, medical stuff) your new address).

Do you think you're in danger while you stay there?

Dont feel bad, its just you credit your DH with more compassion than he has and thats the good in you. No more thinking about him. I’ve followed this whole thread and think what you have done is brave and wonderful and loving to your DCs. Continue with this strength, its you and the DCs now and think only of the 5 of you. Dont do anything that could help him sabotage your plans. Take as much as you can into new house and move forward. Threatening to burn down your home that your DCs live in is in itself a terrible thing for him to say yet its only one of the things he’s said! You deserve a better life and I’m sure you’ll feel liberated in your new home, no stress, no walking on eggshells. The DCs will be better behaved as they will feel happier and calmer. Wishing you the very best

Op, my intention is never to make you feel bad, I just wanted you to remember who you're dealing with. Hope can be a bitter thing.

FOG is fear, obligation and guilt for him, instilled by living like this for so long. It's normal, but can lead you in the wrong direction.

@frustratedwineaholic just wanted to write that you are doing such a good job.
You and your children deserve to be happy and loved and free of this sort of grinding misery.

When you have rocky patches and it gets almost impossible just try to hold on to that 💐

You have achieved an incredible amount for you and your DCs in very challenging circumstances. No one wants to say “told you so” - they just want to share their personal and professional experiences so that you and your DCs don’t suffer anymore.

Hey, you did what you felt was right. I won't give you grief for that.

Onward and upward. You have done marvelously since you started this thread. Just keep going. You'll be out of there real soon now.

Just be aware that he'll probably be watching you very closely so you'll need to be 'double stealth' from now on.

You have done fabulously well; come so far in such a shot time. I have nothing but dmiration for you, for your resolve and your strength - also for your conscience. You have not lost sight of what you think is right, of how to treat others, you were being true to yourself.

OK, he took it badly, but that's not your doing and you have nothing to reproach yourself for.

Most people are reasonable but he isn't so he has reacted unreasonably. That is a really hard thing to understand, to get your head around. Yo think "no one would behave like th, no one would sink that low" and then the unreasonable and irrational person does exactly that.

He is fighting a different war and will press that nuclear button with no qualms because then he will win. He sees no further.

Thank you all. I just can’t wait now, 10 days to go! He doesn’t know when I’m going and I’m not going to tell him.

My mum has offered to have DC1&2 next week until we move so they don’t have to be home with the awful atmosphere, there is no room for all of us though.
DH went out to his mums with DD2 whilst I was at football with DS2. Before he went he was just sulking in bed, when he came back he was almost smug. He told dc to eat their cakes wherever they liked even though I had just said to eat at the table as I had just finished vacuuming, he then said he has an appointment this afternoon that the dc can’t go to with him.

My gues is he is going to see the bank about getting me off the mortgage or a loan to pay solicitors. He was acting like he has all the power again. I expect his DM has fired him up, we have never really got on.

I think it's positive that he buys you out of the mortgage, that way you'll be free of him and not liable if he stops paying it.

Might be worth checking if you have joint finances that he doesn't empty the account though, if he's looking pleased with himself.

I think he's probably going to see a solicitor. Who, if he's worth his salt, will advise him not to play fast and loose with the names on the mortgage/deeds nor to divert money away from joint assets.

But just in case, I think you should call your mortgage lender and explain your concerns and see if they can add a note to their records stating that you must be seen in person with ID to be signed off the mortgage? I'm pretty sure that one party can't just willy nilly take another off, but would he be above forging your name?

If you have joint savings (I think you've said before but I don't remember), you may want to consider moving 1/2 to a separate account to hold until there is a settlement. At the very least, if you have electronic access, print off a statement today to show the current balance(s). That way if he does move money, you'll have proof of the balance right before he does it.

One other piece of advice a friend was given; if you and he bank at the same bank, even separately, move your accounts to a different bank and sign up for paperless banking. I'm in the US and here everything is community property, so it's more that the bank won't be able to attach your accounts to cover his debts or any 'bad checks', but it's also so he can't try and get online access to your accounts.

Hey, tomorrow you will be in the SINGLE DIGITS!!!!!

Oh, and if he does move money, fiddle the mortgage (including taking a second mortgage to cover his legal bills) or you learn he has tried to, call your solicitor IMMEDIATELY!

Just fucking go. Dont say a word. What exactly is the benefit to you or the kids in telling him. Precisely none. So don't do it. Really. Dont.

Sorry had failed to refresh there.

I wish I had listened to you all. He is being really nasty. All verbal and emotional but it’s horrible. He is bringing DC into arguments or even just using them for example, I said bedtime he said no stay up, I said no more drink before bed as will be wet, he said drink what you like.
I have lots of recordings of him tonight, including him threatening to burn the house down.

I don’t think I can wait 10 more days. Have been looking for holiday let in the area but it’s just the wrong season for it. He is starting to frighten me, he is drunk though.

Can you try Airbnb?

I have looked on there but I just can not afford it and DC would have to miss school. I’ve just got into bed in DD1 bed and my pillow is missing, I know the kids haven’t taken it.

Maybe I should tell school and just go away for a week. Although DH told me he is getting locks changed tomorrow

In your position I'd be calling WA and trying to get a place in a refuge. He sounds vile and unpredictable.

Technically, it's illegal for him to change the locks on a jointly owned home. But let him go ahead. If he does at some point he'll have to let you back in, if only to retrieve things. Technically, you can break in if he locks you out, as long as your name is on the house.

Leave if you feel it's the right thing to do. But take all important documents if you do. As unbalanced as he is he may take it into his head to destroy your possessions and papers. But your safety is paramount. Possessions can be replaced, you can't! And I'd call the police and tell them you feel threatened, want to leave for your & DC safety, and would they please send an officer to escort you & the DC out of the house.

You know, if you have it on tape that he's threatening to burn the house down, that may be enough for the police to remove him from the home. It may not be admissible in court, but it could get him out of the house long enough for you to grab your shit and go.

If you do decide to stick it out, you need to start getting things out of the house, even if you have to beg a neighbour to keep them safe for you. Or (I'm in the US so I don't know) do they have 'mini storage' in the UK? It's a facility with lockable spaces ranging from a double garage sized down to a 10'x10' 'closet' that you can rent to store stuff. They aren't very expensive here.

Take care and safety first!

A random thought, but would he knock this shit off if someone else was there? Like, if you asked your mum (or someone else) to stay with you would he stop?

Definitely tell the school, they will be able to help your children as soon as they start showing signs of distress (IF they do). The school will need to know when you move, anyway, might as well tell them now.

I am worried about how confusing and destabilising his behaviour is for them. Bad enough for you.

Thinking about it, I really do think it would be best all round if you could squash up somewhere, it's not for long. It would be better for the childen to be away from it asap, and you too. Great that your mum can help. Is there a friend with a sofa you could use?

No I don’t think he is saveable . I say that from experience my DP is not all bad but after 15 years together nothing changes we are completely incompatible. When you have these issues nothing will change and I know it’s difficult and financially it’s worse and so we stay hoping something will shift. I was going to post and ask how many people simply stay and put up with each other for finance and the kids!!! Big hugs but no practical advice xx

If he's actually threatening to burn down the house I'd call the police and women's aid. You could be in danger.

I think things are escalating, especially threats to burn the house down. Just ring the police next time he's being abusive.

You don't know him as well as you thought. His behaviour was 100% predictable.

How are you Op?