how can i get DH to treat DC and me with respect and love?

[frustratedwineaholic]

Hi, I am felling really stuck in my relationship. I want to end out marriage but I can't. He will not leave our house and I have been advised by a solicitor not to leave as then I will be unlikely to ever get back into our home or receive any equity from it. This is why I am asking for advice on how to change my husband. I know you can't really change people, they themselves have to want to change but I'm so desperate.

we have 4 dc, only the younger 2 are dh's. they are 12, 10, 6 and 4. DH is usually grumpy and always finds a way to suck the fun out of everything involving the dc. when we have a rare night off he is different, but mostly only if we are with friends. He hates being wrong and can never apologise. he tells the dc not to shout but then shouts at them, he never listens to them, just jumps to conclusions and unfairly punishes them by sending them to bed early, when when i attempt to calmly explain why they did whatever it was and he knows he has over reacted he will not back down, he just becomes angry and starts shouting at me. a few recent examples,
DS2 is like Jeckyl and Hyde, one minute he is the ost loving, cuddly little 6 yr old and he next he just seems to get this look in his eye and he is horrible, he spits, throws things, kicks and hits me and dc, tries to run away all because of the slightest thing like time to close he pet cage. This morning he got up early, he shares a room with DS1, DS1 is in the top bunk and DS2 the bottom, he took his pull up off (diagnosed over active bladder) and threw it at DS1 face then spat at him for no reason. I had an operation yesterday so still under affects of general anaesthetic and was call DS2 to stop, DS1 was shouting Mummy help, I got out of bed, held onto the wall for dizzyness and held DS2 hand puling him away, DH came out o the kitchen and sent both DS to time out, I got cross as DH is always picking on DS1 in my eyes and told him DS1 is not going to time out and DH shouted at me that he was shouting so people down the road could hear, I said he was calling for help as DS2 was throwing a wet nappy at him and spitting at him and DH starting shouting at me for having a go at him and threatened to go to work and leave me to it, it was 6am and DH was going to work late to enable him to do the school run following my operation. I just backed down as I know him well enough to know he would go off and leave me. I had aa major operation 2 years ago and couldn't walk easily or lift anything, he stormed off the following day after an argument and left me unable to eve have a cup of tea. Anyway, he as then in an awful mood, storming about, telling everyone off for the slightest thing, made my DD1 cry as he refused to get her a toilet roll from the cupboard as she should have go it herself before sitting down. in the middle of all this chaos DS2 is still being a total nightmare, he poured salt into the last of the milk so my DS1 lost his temper with DS2 and picked him up from the breakfast bar stool and roughly put him on the floor, DH went mad and DS1 bravely told him he has had enough of being blamed for everything, he said he wont be here later, DH told him he is going to bed early for his mouth.

I can't take anymore, I called a local counselling service to enquire about family counselling but I can't afford it.

Any advice gratefully received.

The idea of your new home, to my mind, was to provide a sanctuary and safe place emotionally for your dc and yourself. Free of his influence.

By inviting him in, you're risking a confrontation in that safe place - what if he kicks off about some item you've brought from the old house, or refuses to leave, or starts his threats and intimidation? you know he's perfectly capable of it. It's far too early. I'm not saying he can never set foot in the place, but you've literally just left him.

He doesn't need to come into your house for there to be amicable co-parenting. And amicable co-parenting takes two people. Not one bending over backwards for the other. It's no good continuing the dynamic you had together, you need to unlearn the appeasing and chasing.

Agree with jux...

She is a wise woman. Listen to her.

(Name changer)

Wow. I've just read the whole thread and am so incredibly impressed. Every single thing you have said about your ex sounds just like my dad. My parents finally divorced a couple of years ago and me and my siblings are all in our 30s. I wish so much that my mum had had your strength when we were kids and saved us all a whole load of tears, stress and fucked-uppery.
Bloody go you!!! You've got this, you're a fucking hero, never forget what you've done for your kids (not least saving them a fortune in counselling costs as adults ). I feel genuinely proud of you and wish I could give you a real life giant hug.

Also, you're not friends - a friend would never treat you the way he has.

I left my now ex-husband because he was really horrible to me and I couldn't take the cruelty any more. When I was with him I was in a huge house with five bedrooms, four bathrooms and a weekly cleaner. I worked three hours a week as a teacher (not because I had to but because I wanted to).
Five years on I now have my children for only half of the time and still living in a damp two-bed, having no choice to to work ft to pay the bills. Financially it's a big daily struggle and I still miss my boys when they are not here, so much at times it physically hurts.
BUT...I now have a fiance who loves me and treats the boys and I with total respect, I'm cuddled and safe, I don't feel constantly sad and scared, I can express my feelings without fear of being on trouble or condemned, I can be "me", my children enjoy a very close relationship with their grandparents and are allowed to spend quality time with my autistic brother. They learn values from a home of tolerance and support. I don't cry myself to sleep every night with despair at how I feel so worthless and rejected.
I lost money to gain love, it's the way it had to be.
I would do it a million times over-for myself, for my family, for my children.

OP - a word of advice too - well done for leaving, you totally did the right thing. But there will be days ahead when you question yourself, especially when things are tough. My ex was off the scale abusive to me, and even five years on I do have days where I question my decision to leave because my lifestyle now is so completely different to what it was back then.
Stay strong, there is something so wonderful and liberating about starting over again and living the life that you want to live, not that somebody else expected you to 😊

I’ve just read the thread, well done wine you’ve made massive progress in such a short time.

Please be careful now though. You are used to placating him and ‘managing’ his behaviours. You are an empathetic person and you are no doubt feeling guilty that he is on his own without his children and maybe sad. It’s far more likely that he is furious that you have actually left and taken away his control and his audience.
Please don’t attribute normal feelings and emotions to your DH. He will manipulate you, your dc, his family and any mutual friends to all feel sorry for him and he will play the victim.

Do not rush to engage with him. Cut contact to a minimum and let him initiate it. If he wants to talk to the kids fine, wants to arrange contact fine. Anything else is too much at the moment. You need some space and time away from it all to heal, to find your own routine, to support the kids through this change. And to find you again, the person underneath the stress, anxiety and fear.

Be calm, be safe, be free. Our eyes are in the front of our heads for a reason. There’s no point in looking back and wishing things were different or he will change. Just keep on moving forward.

You can't be friends with him. He tried to argue with you in front of your child when he facetimed. You've moved house to get away from that shit.

@Zofloramummy I completely agree with you.
Cafcass advised me to keep communication to a minimum and only about important matters such as, for example, informing the other that one of the boys had been sick the night before returning etc...Otherwise he tried to continue his control through text messages etc...I hardly have anything to do with him really on a day-to-day level.
It was hard at first to ignore him but when he tries it on now eg. demanding money or something I just don't respond.
Best advice I had was to treat him like you would a colleague-in a very business like and collected manner.

I agree with keeping him out of the your house. You need it to be your bastion of peace and strength. Somewhere there is no 'presence' of him. And that's for him as well as for you. You do what you feel is right, but if it were me I wouldn't make a second offer for him to come see the rooms. But if you do decide to have him over, please have another adult there. Having someone there watching will hopefully stop any inappropriate displays of emotion from him to try an manipulate you or the DC.

Your mum was incorrect (IMO) in telling you to call him 'for the DC'. He needs to develop his own relationship with them himself. Obvs if they ask to speak to him, facilitate it. But otherwise, he needs to step up himself.

It's a new day and you'll have to find your way bit by bit. But it will be your way and that's a wonderful thing!

Agree with category 12 your home is your sanctuary dont let him in
You will be an inspiration to others you are doing amazing

You really mustn’t let him in to your new house love. It will all start again. He will manipulate you and the dc. I know it is hard but please, try to let go. Enjoy the peace and stability.

Don't let him into your house. That's your children's safe space. You've created it for them, don't let him take it away. You're still trying to manage him. Please stop.....particularly for the older ones.

Just remember what DD1 said to you about killing herself.

Just remember him bullying your DS1

Just remember that he sucks the fun and peace out of everything.

Do not let him inside your house, like PP have said it’s now your safe place.

I appreciate it must be difficult, but he created this situation not you.

Well done, OP. I honestly didn't think you would, but you have!

I'm sorry you're unhappy about the move, but I truely think you've put your children first. You've protected them and given them a safe, secure home.

How are you feeling on day 2 frustrated - and do you have nice plans for your weekend?

So not have him in your house. It’s you and your dc sanctuary

He will never be your friend. Once he realises there’s no chance he’ll turn into a nightmare

The best you can do is remain cold and only discuss dc. It’s wjats best for dc, not your ex

OP, why have you invited your abuser and abusive DH into your home? You need to keep your children’s home a safe place, not a place to continue the abuse.😕this isn’t about second chances...it’s about keeping your new home a safe zone.

I don’t want to make you feel bad but I’m really shocked that you immediately invited your horrible DH over. Haven’t your kids been through enough? Do you really think that he’s going to behave? That you won’t argue when he comes over? Why are you still trying to play happy families? It’s NOT a happy family, it’s an extremely toxic and disfunctional family and your children have suffered enough!

I said he could come round anytime as I want to make things as easy as possible for DC. They should be able to show their DF their new bedroom. There is absolutely no chance of me taking DH back. I wouldn’t do that to my older DC. If DH tried to upset/manipulate/be rude to me I would ask him to leave. He hasn’t even asked to come round anyway. He clearly feels he is the innocent victim in all this and is showing no remorse.

It’s DS2 birthday tomorrow, DH has asked if he can pick him up from school. He usually collects him on Fridays. I don’t know what to say, I want to spend the time with him and take his new BMX to the track. On the other hand older DC are with their DF this weekend so maybe I should say yes and keep them overnight. Give myself a break.
But he hasn’t asked to have them over night.

Maybe if he picks up dc from school and takes him for tea, then brings him back and you can take him bike riding on Saturday? That way you both see dc on his birthday. You could still do cake and treats when he gets home. Tell him (not ask) what time you want him home tomorrow. Set your stall out early and don’t be too flexible. Dc like routine and to know what they are doing. It might feel like you’re being the bigger person by not stopping him see the dc. But if there’s no routine it’s not good for dc (or you)

What arrangements do you want that would suit you and your DCs?
Start as you mean to go on. Do you want all DCs to be home together and then away at the same time? Clear firm boundaries. You call it.

“IF’ he is rude to you you will ask him to leave - of course he will be rude to you - at some point - why would you give him that opportunity?

I really think it's too soon for them to be going overnight, just my opinion.
He's clearly abusive, your posts show that, I can't understand why you would put your two youngest in the firing line like that when you only moved out on Tuesday.

Good point. It would possibly be unsettling for them to “go home” so soon - when they have a new home to get settled into.

I've followed your thread since the start. Well done op, you have been so brave and strong.

I completely understand why you've asked your exh round. Don't listen to all those berating you. It's important to have some sort of relationship with this man for the children and if this helps pave the way then I think it's the right thing to do. Like you say the children are excited to show their dad their new rooms, let them. You've been strong enough so far to get where you are, you're hardly likely to back track now!

As for your ds birthday, I would let him see ds. If he asks for overnight see how you feel in that moment. I wouldn't offer it but see if he asks. If he does see how you feel and be led by that. I get you want to see your ds but it is only one day and you can do all the things you planned the next day.