Partner doesn't know if family life is for him despite '4 kids'

[mommy1118]

Hi all very new to this so not sure what to expect.

My partner and I have been together for 18 months. When we met we had both been single for 5 years me living with my 6 year old son and him living alone but having his 2 children on weekend, this meant he had all the free time to himself and come to see me as and when it suited us both and he loves his gaming so he could do that whenever he wanted to.

Within 4 months we were meeting the kids in a relationship and falling pregnant. Everything was fine he was hands on with the older kids we had between us anyway, was amazing through my pregnancy and really put me on a pedestal with how lucky he was to have me.

Baby is now 5 months old, he's very hands on, helps with feeds, has him when I want to bond with my son, plays with him when he's home from work - however partner is beyond stressed, so when baby cries he comes back to me and gives up trying to soothe him. I suggest meeting friends or going the gym there's always an excuse as to why this isn't practical. We don't have sex any more despite being late 20s and despite my not so subtle digs.

We've had the normal bickering about this latest one being last night where he confessed 'This life isn't for him' now I know he loves me we cuddle up in the sofa and watch films together ( when I can surgically remove him from his game) etc and he tells me he loves me. However i don't know where to go from here.
' He loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's not patient like me, the kids stress him out, I stress him out with the sex situation, he just wants to relax and play his game, but doesn't want to leave'

I fear that he hasn't adjusted from being a single man being able to sit on his game till early hours to living full time with children and having to balance that out he feels he should be able to spend his free time as he wants - I don't see how he has free time because I sure as hell don't

It's very long and I'm probably missing out crucial facts but I just need advice before a family is ruined which is where I fear this is heading.

Any help or advice is appreciated thank you. Xx

Just to be clear - you moved your kids in with this guy and got pregnant within four months ? I’m afraid it sounds like a case of ‘marry in haste, repent at leisure’. He’s a manchild who doesn’t want to fulfil his adult responsibilities.

Certainly sounds like you hugely rushed into things and the new baby.
Do you have support there to have the kids while you go out etc? That could help but as Jenny says he sounds like a bit of a waste of space.
I don't know how you can get him to be more involved or interested in the family other than tell him you won't let him be kid #5

So you introduced a new man to your child within 4 months of meeting him? you also met his children and then you got pregnant?? All with in 4 months of meeting him? Wow!
So hes now gone from being a very part time father to being a full time one! Its all moved to quickly for him and hes now wondering what the heck hes done. I guess only time will. Good luck x

but I just need advice before a family is ruined which is where I fear this is heading

Sorry to be blunt but your family set-up is already ruined. That doesn't mean your family, i.e. you and your two children, is ruined though. But the writing is on the wall for you and him. Unsurprisingly tbh.

It was all very rushed and not planned at all, I was on the pill which I took religiously so didn't expect to be falling pregnant anytime soon.

We didn't have any intentions of meeting each others children for a while however when we found out we were expecting it was kind of inevitable that it was going to happen so we wanted them to meet and have time to get used to know us prior to telling them they were to be siblings. So we spent as much time with them getting to them and bonding with them before announcing the baby.

I guess we tried to make the best out of a rushed situation not expecting it to happen as it did.

Painting it as I have in this thread it doesn't look good but I am very responsible and didn't plan or expect it to happen. X

He's told you what the problem is. He's been honest with you and clear about what he wants and doesn't want. Unfortunately there's little you do - you either accept him as the 5th child and not a partner or you leave. It's doubtful he will change; he's got 3 children now and he still won't face up to his responsibilities as a father or as a partner.

You rushed into this - sheer madness after just 4 months!

All too much too soon. Of course you both needed time to adjust to going from single parents with your own lives to being in a relationship. Once that's accomplished then you work on building some kind of bond a 7ith the kids and then as a unit, once everyone feels comfortable with that and you have all had a couple of years to get used to eachother then you consider blending families/lives.
Unfortunately it seems you've both tried to skip the hard parts. The parts that take time and the effort needed to create a stable foundation. Throwing a baby into the mix has been the straw that broke the camel's back. Tbh I think that if you hadn't had the baby and had taken the time to get to know eachother without the kids being brought into it you probably wouldn't be together still. He would've realised that he was a man who had his life as he liked it. And you would've realised that he wasn't the kind of man you wanted to move in and have more children with.
All that aside you are both where you are. So if you want to try and make a final shot to make it work then changes will need to be made.
He needs to go to the Dr to seek help for his stress/if he is suffering from stress/anxiety then this may well be affecting his libido. Once he deals with that then coping with day to day life will be easier. You need to find way to schedule time together as a family/time together as a couple and finally time apart. Even if it means he gets an hour a day to game and you get an hour a day to meet friends for coffee/go for a walk/have a peaceful bath. It also sounds like you both need help learning to communicate without him getting stressed and you feeling frustrated.

It no longer matters what happened then. You now have for kids between you and bed to sort out now.

You need to sit down and talk. Not digs or arguments. No distractions like computer.

When he says he doesn't think it's him what does he mean? Make him verbalise what he does want and what he intend to do.
If he's going to go, he might as well go now. Perhaps he'll see what he's missing.

Make it clear if he goes what you expect - baby is young, would you want him to have him overnight etc. Maintenance is a must. Does he currently pay for his other kids?

Why aren't you having sex? Don't make digs or bag. Just a straight question. He isn't obliged to have sex with you any more than you are with him so don't try and force or bully him into it

What Twitter said.

Christ, I’m not sure life with 4 small kids is for me some days and we carefully planned and put years of relationship in place before starting this endeavour. It’s very hard having 4 kids and I imagine even harder with a blended family. Some people are great and reliable in this scenario but you could never have known that about him after such an incredibly short time. He’s letting you down and you rushed some of the most critical decisions in life. I think you should plan for your family to be you and the two kids and get things in order to have a good future the three of you.

It’s a harsh lesson but these massive life decisions, especially involving kids, should take time and careful thought.

Why the bloody hell would you rush in the beginning? What was the urgency of the kids meeting?

Just caught up. Think it had disaster written from the start

As said above all very rushed.

But let's not linger on that now as it doesn't really help the situation you're in now.

Honest conversation is definitely needed. He's obviously started that with you but you need to sit down together, child free and have a frank discussion. If he wants out then let him go. He sounds like a man child who has enjoyed the part time parenting role and has jumped in deep with you and he doesn't like it.
He either needs to step up or step aside.
Remaining in a relationship you don't want to be in will only end further down the line.

I don't often post in here and have name changed specifically for this as the gaming element stood out to me.
My partner is what you call a gamer and let me tell you now it doesn't get better. I am naive as you thinking they'll give up that element of their lives and trust me they won't. It's like an addiction, seriously they need to want to let go.
He's destroying our relationship with it but hey ho I ain't sticking around for him to realise that and neither should you.

You got involved with a man who practically abandoned two children. What did you expect? What do you expect? You know this isn’t going to work long term unless you play 1950s housewifey

sleepingstandingup
We sat down yesterday and discussed everything he said family life stresses him out he doesn't know if it's for him, I told him if that's the case he needs to leave now as we're looking at selling both our houses and moving into a bigger one - something I've said I'm not prepared to do in this current situation. He says he loves me but the baby crying, my son not listening and me nagging add to the stress he's already feeling. He doesn't want to leave but is unhappy with the bickering lately which is to do with him wanting free time.

Some nights we sit together some nights he sits on his game 3/4 hours and I'll watch my programmes whilst the kids are in bed so I'm being fair in that respect. My issue is he's rather be on his game than have sex and he doesn't have a reason all he says is 'it's not that he doesn't want to have sex but we just don't' which is no closure for me I've told him I've lost all confidence and have become self conscious which is why I don't initiate it as I don't feel like I can.

He does pay maintenance for both children despite one not biologically being his but has raised her, he is a good man just seems to be in a rut of depression not being able to adjust.

He’s saying that he’d rather play his computer game. I’m not sure what you can do about that. I’m afraid I think you need to be making plans to be on your own again.

I also think you need to prepare to be on your own again

And I definitely wouldn't be giving up my house

racecardriver his ex cheated and left him I don't see that as abandoning kids he has every weekend and we take on holiday with us

sparklymagpie
We only let them meet each other and our kids once we had found out we was pregnant which was 4/5 months after being together. We then waited till the scan until we told them about the pregnancy.

As everybody said all very rushed but we tried to make the best of the situation

It sounds finished, tbh. He doesn't want to have sex with you, feels entitled to opt out of looking after his child properly, but still thinks he should be able to live with you while you look after him. Don't buy a house with him.

Do not sell your house. Start making plans to be a single mother of 2 children.

he said family life stresses him out he doesn't know if it's for him

Some nights he sits on his game 3/4 hours. My issue is he's rather be on his game than have sex

So he was plainly used to living by himself apart from 2 days every other week. 12 days out of 14. He had all the time in the world to game and didn;t have to parent his dc 24/7. No wonder this has come as a shock to him. Did he want you to keep the baby when you got pg?

And now he prioritises gaming over all else, including parenting, spending time with you, and sex. He's not prepared to step up and do his share. (Why does he think you're any happier than him to do parenting and housework??) Lazy man child.

You need to decide whether you can work on your relationship or whether you'd be better spliting up. What do you think? Doe she make you happy? Doe his good points outweigh his bad? Will you be happy with no sex for ever?

He is telling you what type of man, father and partner he is. Which he knew before he got involved with you as part of a family. That was the life he lived and the life he liked. So he let you down by not being more open before but he is telling you now. Because he wants out.

He wants to be a weekend father to his children. He is happy to have a girlfriend when convenient to him but he wants to be on his own the rest of the time. Expect him to want to move into his own place. Expect him to want to “share” parenting with you at the weekend. By that I mean doing all the dull stuff whilst he plays.

In return you will get a cuddle and kiss on the sofa when he can fit it in. This will be a big effort for him and he will expect you to be grateful.

I hope I am wrong and that he shapes up. But please don’t waste your life on him if he doesn’t it.

I doubt this is recoverable. You both rushed into having a child with someone you barely knew and didn't pause to think if this is what you wanted or to plan it out properly. It's quite shocking when there were already children involved.

I think you're on the green mile here, he just feels bad and doesn't want to articulate it but is basically forcing its end slowly, he's already disengaged.

I suspect you need to move the discussion to how to co parent together effectively . I'm sorry. Finances, custody, these are all things to be agreed.

He wants his game more than he wants your family.

You can't change that. Don't rip yourself apart trying to.