Partner doesn't know if family life is for him despite '4 kids'

[mommy1118]

Hi all very new to this so not sure what to expect.

My partner and I have been together for 18 months. When we met we had both been single for 5 years me living with my 6 year old son and him living alone but having his 2 children on weekend, this meant he had all the free time to himself and come to see me as and when it suited us both and he loves his gaming so he could do that whenever he wanted to.

Within 4 months we were meeting the kids in a relationship and falling pregnant. Everything was fine he was hands on with the older kids we had between us anyway, was amazing through my pregnancy and really put me on a pedestal with how lucky he was to have me.

Baby is now 5 months old, he's very hands on, helps with feeds, has him when I want to bond with my son, plays with him when he's home from work - however partner is beyond stressed, so when baby cries he comes back to me and gives up trying to soothe him. I suggest meeting friends or going the gym there's always an excuse as to why this isn't practical. We don't have sex any more despite being late 20s and despite my not so subtle digs.

We've had the normal bickering about this latest one being last night where he confessed 'This life isn't for him' now I know he loves me we cuddle up in the sofa and watch films together ( when I can surgically remove him from his game) etc and he tells me he loves me. However i don't know where to go from here.
' He loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's not patient like me, the kids stress him out, I stress him out with the sex situation, he just wants to relax and play his game, but doesn't want to leave'

I fear that he hasn't adjusted from being a single man being able to sit on his game till early hours to living full time with children and having to balance that out he feels he should be able to spend his free time as he wants - I don't see how he has free time because I sure as hell don't

It's very long and I'm probably missing out crucial facts but I just need advice before a family is ruined which is where I fear this is heading.

Any help or advice is appreciated thank you. Xx

And whilst I'm here, plenty of mothers walk and the father brings up the kids.

So yes, choices all round.

I suppose to the credit of both, whilst they were quick into the relationship, they have realised what the problems are equally quickly. It takes some people years if not decades to out these problems. Maybe they can resolve them before its too late

Mrsmummy90

Legally he'd still have to pay so the financial responsibility is still there

^^ tell that to my ex. he doesnt work or claim benefits apparently so no maintenance!

As soon as I think about when we last had sex and see him sat on his game I become annoyed and make a point of telling him which ends up in this massive argument where he forgets all the good and remember the nagging and says he's stressed and all the rest below.

So what he wants is to be left alone to play his game and for you to do everything else. Otherwise he'll get cross and leave. That's no way to live, OP.

@Loka that is exactly how I see him , I suppose I was wondering why the OP didn't.

Did his ex cheat because, maybe, she was fed up with somebody who would rather play computer games than have sex with her?

We discussed it for a while before deciding to keep the baby, I was previously told I wouldn't have children again due to my ovaries so that played a massive part in the decision and it wasn't one we made lightly but ultimately yes he was happy to carry on the pregnancy.

I'm genuinely shocked that you go pregnant having a problem with your ovaries and religiously taking the pill.

Not excusing his childish behaviour re: games etc but I agree with PPs that it's possible he's terrified of you getting pregnant again and that's why he doesn't want sex.

Regardless even in the best of circumstances a relationship that begins essentially with a pregnancy is always going to be difficult, getting to know each other while dealing with a new baby coming is so challenging. You might not be a match and had you not had a baby you'd have moved on from him by now.

He is stressed. It is all too much for him. It's seems you've been on the driving seat of this, he's followed because he fell in love with you but it had gone much much too fast for him and frankly I don't blame him. He's gone from a life when he could divide with good balance, work, leisure time, his kids. Now he is finding having to do all together. He's gone from 2 kids 2 days a week to 2 kids 7 days a week in addition to his two.

He is gaming because its his way to relax and let go of the building tension he is experiencing. The adjustment has been more severe for him than you. It's up to you what you do but I think recognising that it has all been a bit too quickly for him and he exhausted would be a start. He supported you when you were pregnant now it's your time to support him to adjust to this new life.

What he's telling you is that you need to shut up, take on the entire burden of domestic work and childcare, and allow him to spend unlimited time playing games. Otherwise he will leave.

This

I would keep the two houses. Do not sell up

He sees his kids on his own whenever they are available

You are a single parent to two kids

He pays you and his ex child maintenance

And you see what happens to the relationship then, over a year or so

He might grow up and realise what he's missing

Or he might realise that living alone , seeing his kids every now and again and having all the time he wants to game , is his perfect life

You can then move on with your life and find someone who loves you

Tell him to go back to his own house and take it from there. Even if it means single parenting. Take your time the next time you get involved with a man

Well you both were irresponsible tbh at 4 months I'd not be relying on 1 source of contraception!

I suspect he's not wanting sex because either consciously or unconsciously he fears you getting pregnant again. Tbh I wouldn't be surprised if he suspects at best that you forgot a pill at worst that you lied about taking it. Because he barely knew you either (but then HE should have been wearing condoms! Did you even have sti screening?!)

You barely knew him when you became pregnant, pregnancy is not a reason to rush into moving in together etc.

At this point some honest talking and agreeing on ground rules going forward is needed, prepare to hear some unpleasant thoughts but then he should be too.

He's got 2 kids (biologically) he doesn't get to sit on his arse playing video games hours on end any more - thems the breaks when you have unprotected sex!

Time for you both to grow up.

"his ex cheated and left him" you have proof of this outside of his/his supporters words?

Never heard of the care system either? You've never heard of parents who put their children into care, give them up for adoption? And when that happens you get it is the mother and father who do it, right?

Very VERY few children in the Uk are adopted because both their mother and father could care for them but choose not to. Almost all of them are removed because their parents are unable to care for them safely because of addictions, mental illlness, learning difficulties and / or domestic violence.

I don’t think adoption is a realistic option for the OP. It’s a big leap from her Posts here to think that she either doesn’t love her children ( so wants to relinquish them ) or cannot care properly for them ( so they should be taken away).

An unplanned pregnancy doesn’t make her an unfit mother. This isn’t 1950.

Very VERY few children in the Uk are adopted because both their mother and father could care for them but choose not to

So? All this does is prove my point, there is a choice. It doesn't matter if it's one or a million. Men or women or both can leave their children, as shitty is it is, pretending women don't have a choice and are forced to raise their kids is doing a disservice to anyone whose mother did in fact leave them. And as said, it's not just care or adoption, it is also plenty of fathers are the residential parent.

The choice exists.

Playing games in the evening is not the issue here, some people like watching tv, some people like playing games - I think there's a lot of people here who don't "get" gaming when in reality it's just another leisure option.

The problem is that the baby crying is stressing him out and he doesn't want to live full time with children and has gone off sex (usually it's the other way around of course, women moaning their dp's are demanding sex!). I think less pressure is needed to be together in the evenings, if he wants to game after all family duties are done so be it - I like to play games, as does dh, we are in different rooms playing different games most evenings, it's more interactive than watching tv!

Don't make rash decisions, men can struggle to adjust just like women do, but make ground rules of what he does need to participate in before he slopes off