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Original poster

Partner doesn't know if family life is for him despite '4 kids'

89 replies

mommy1118 · 07/01/2019 09:25

Hi all very new to this so not sure what to expect.

My partner and I have been together for 18 months. When we met we had both been single for 5 years me living with my 6 year old son and him living alone but having his 2 children on weekend, this meant he had all the free time to himself and come to see me as and when it suited us both and he loves his gaming so he could do that whenever he wanted to.

Within 4 months we were meeting the kids in a relationship and falling pregnant. Everything was fine he was hands on with the older kids we had between us anyway, was amazing through my pregnancy and really put me on a pedestal with how lucky he was to have me.

Baby is now 5 months old, he's very hands on, helps with feeds, has him when I want to bond with my son, plays with him when he's home from work - however partner is beyond stressed, so when baby cries he comes back to me and gives up trying to soothe him. I suggest meeting friends or going the gym there's always an excuse as to why this isn't practical. We don't have sex any more despite being late 20s and despite my not so subtle digs.

We've had the normal bickering about this latest one being last night where he confessed 'This life isn't for him' now I know he loves me we cuddle up in the sofa and watch films together ( when I can surgically remove him from his game) etc and he tells me he loves me. However i don't know where to go from here.
' He loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's not patient like me, the kids stress him out, I stress him out with the sex situation, he just wants to relax and play his game, but doesn't want to leave'

I fear that he hasn't adjusted from being a single man being able to sit on his game till early hours to living full time with children and having to balance that out he feels he should be able to spend his free time as he wants - I don't see how he has free time because I sure as hell don't Hmm

It's very long and I'm probably missing out crucial facts but I just need advice before a family is ruined which is where I fear this is heading.

Any help or advice is appreciated thank you. Xx

OP posts:
SeaGreenSeaGlass · 07/01/2019 12:24

Women post about being in sexless relationships pretty frequently here. It always goes the same way. There are loads of replies from people who stayed and years later they are still in the same situation, except they now don't have any physical contact (their partner won't cuddle or hold hands in case it gives the wrong signals). These women who are forget down the road day they wish they'd left years ago. Their self - confidence is shattered though.

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 07/01/2019 12:24

further down the road

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 07/01/2019 12:37

I just think there doesn't seem much to save here. He's already checked out, and what are you getting out of this really?

If I were you I'd cut my losses, if I were him I'd have a vasectomy, and then the focus can be on co-parenting. I would also suggest a belt and braces approach for contraception for you in any future relationship, since you appear to be a lot more fertile than you'd been told!

MsMustDoBetter · 07/01/2019 13:09

There's no point in judging the op for what's happened - criticism doesn't actually help her!

It sounds as if he is much more suited to living on his own to peruse his gaming and having the women I. His life being up his children. He is unlikely to change and if he does he'll be unbearably resentful. If you stay with him as it is you'll be unbearably resentful.

Cut your losses and go it alone. It will be hard, but you'll be captain of your own ship.

Dimsumlosesum · 07/01/2019 13:14

He could've been a paedophile.

Dimsumlosesum · 07/01/2019 13:14

Just get rid if this guy and focus on your kids.

VietnameseCrispyFish · 07/01/2019 13:16

There's no point in judging the op for what's happened - criticism doesn't actually help her!

Actually, I think it is reasonable to comment on how the breakneck speed they’ve taken their relationship has contributed to the current problems they are facing. Not least as a warning to people reading the thread about how dire the consequences can be (on adults and the kids!) of rushing headfirst into blending and growing a new family with someone you barely know. If it makes one person shit themselves and double up on contraception then that’s a good outcome!

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 13:29

I think it is reasonable to comment on how the breakneck speed they’ve taken their relationship has contributed to the current problems they are facing

On this I would agree, Becayse it's ultimately the root cause, they had known each other literally weeks before they took the decision to blend families and have a baby, they never had rhe time to actually get to know each other properly, to understand if it was love, if the relationship could last, if they were compatible. And before they could work all that out and develop a life together the kids were involved and life took over.

It's still a relatively new relationship at 18 months, and already rhe sex has ended, , there is is no real romantic couple time and he has checked out and sits and games to remove himself from it.

DianaT1969 · 07/01/2019 14:10

The posters sniping at OP that she rushed into it after 4 months are being unnecessarily pointed because so did HE!
One of the reasons he might not want sex now is the surprise pregnancy. If it happened while OP was on the pill, then he might not (subconciously perhaps) trust contraception.

Mrsmummy90 · 07/01/2019 14:19

It sounds like he needs to grow up.

My husband was never really bothered either way about having children but I was very clear from the start that that's what I wanted so he had children for me.
He has said that he doesn't feel that fatherhood comes naturally to him and he finds it hard but because of this, he tries even harder than any other dads I know and he is incredible with our daughter and loves her wholeheartedly.
He plays his games when she is in bed but family comes first and he doesn't relax until housework and family time is all done.

Your dp needs to realise that family life isn't a choice. It's not for you so why should it be for him? The kids come first and then him. If he's all upset because having kids is getting in the way of gaming then he really needs to sort his priorities out and stop being a man child.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 14:33

Your dp needs to realise that family life isn't a choice

Actually it is a choice. Either parent or both can walk away, as sad as it sounds there is no legal or even moral obligation to stay in a family unit if the relationship or set up doesn't work. Hence why so many split families.

I'm surprised you think people don't have a choice. They do. Divorced and single parents are very common, how can uou not know this?

ReanimatedSGB · 07/01/2019 17:12

The man seems to think that he has the option of continuing to live with the OP while doing no domestic work and childcare, getting his pants washed and his meals cooked but not lifting a finger, though...

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 17:25

The man seems to think that he has the option of continuing to live with the OP while doing no domestic work and childcare, getting his pants washed and his meals cooked but not lifting a finger, though...

To be fair, even I think he has this option,

However the op said he was very hands on with childcare. She didn't comment on housework etc.

safetyfreak · 07/01/2019 17:27

Some men are not cut out for family life with young children. Like you said, he is perfectly happy being a part time dad. He does not want the full-time responsibility of raising children.

If you had dated longer you may have seen that before having a baby with this man-child.

TheBigBangRocks · 07/01/2019 17:55

I think the no sex is either a distrust in contraception or the person using it given they were pregnant so soon.

This had disaster wrote all over it from the start. Fine as adults to rush into things but when children are involved then they should have come first and this can't have been in any of their best interests.

You barely knew each other, it's no wonder it's all going wrong.

Sparky888 · 07/01/2019 18:06

Just posted to offer some support amid all the horrible horrible posts!! Relationships are hard and sometimes need work. With the stress of a baby they take more work. That doesn’t mean it’s over. Or that it can’t be improved.

I don’t think it’s uncommon for any parent to think their old life was better! Work on it a bit xx

Sparky888 · 07/01/2019 18:08

I also thought it was telling that he said he wasn’t patient like you. I know men who say parenting doesn’t come as naturally to them, that they are not good at it etc. For some men, they need reassurance. Feeling low after a baby, it’s no wonder he’s gone off sex. It doesn’t mean that won’t come back. Good luck x

Moggymorn · 07/01/2019 18:13

Ah MN. Rather than trying to give you advice they just drag you for rushing it. Pretty sure OP doesn't need to be told it moved too quick - it's a bit late to do anything about that!

pinkdelight · 07/01/2019 18:54

Maybe his ex cheated on him because he stopped having sex with her and checked out of family life.

Jux · 07/01/2019 19:13

He alreadyhad 2 children (presumably that also means he had an ex) so had had a go at family life before he met you. Pretending that he didn't know what it would be like in terms of stess, inability to do exactly what he wants to do whenever he wants to do it is, well, disingenuous.

Mrsmummy90 · 07/01/2019 19:39

@Bluntness100 you completely misinterpreted that. When I say it's not a choice, I mean he has children so if she can't just abandon them, neither should he be able to. He has just as much a responsibility to those kids as her.

Thanks for being unnecessarily rude though 👍 your parents must be proud 😘

Loka123 · 07/01/2019 20:49

@Jux What you've said sounds logical but I bet he's one of those guys who thinks the reason family life didn't work out with his ex is because she's "a nag, bunny boiler, uptight" and there's "obviously" nothing wrong with him and with the "right woman", family life would work out. It's almost like a script that a lot of these types of men follow - I used to think that it's just something they'd say to appear like a good guy but now seems like these guys genuinely believe their own lies!

whatsthepointthen · 07/01/2019 20:57

Actually people CAN just abandon their children my ex walked
out
on me and our 4 kids (alll his) because he “didnt want 4 kids” and its “too hard” been 2 years since he seen them. you cant force someone to be a
parent!

Mrsmummy90 · 07/01/2019 21:06

Legally he'd still have to pay so the financial responsibility is still there

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2019 21:10

I mean he has children so if she can't just abandon them, neither should he be able to

Seriously, it's not rude to tell you you're wrong. And you are wrong and youre still wrong, take it on the chin and don't be childish about it. Becayse she can also just abandon them,

Never heard of the care system either? You've never heard of parents who put their children into care, give them up for adoption? And when that happens you get it is the mother and father who do it, right?

So yes, she can abandon them, he can abandon them, it is a choice they both have.

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