Partner doesn't know if family life is for him despite '4 kids'

[mommy1118]

Hi all very new to this so not sure what to expect.

My partner and I have been together for 18 months. When we met we had both been single for 5 years me living with my 6 year old son and him living alone but having his 2 children on weekend, this meant he had all the free time to himself and come to see me as and when it suited us both and he loves his gaming so he could do that whenever he wanted to.

Within 4 months we were meeting the kids in a relationship and falling pregnant. Everything was fine he was hands on with the older kids we had between us anyway, was amazing through my pregnancy and really put me on a pedestal with how lucky he was to have me.

Baby is now 5 months old, he's very hands on, helps with feeds, has him when I want to bond with my son, plays with him when he's home from work - however partner is beyond stressed, so when baby cries he comes back to me and gives up trying to soothe him. I suggest meeting friends or going the gym there's always an excuse as to why this isn't practical. We don't have sex any more despite being late 20s and despite my not so subtle digs.

We've had the normal bickering about this latest one being last night where he confessed 'This life isn't for him' now I know he loves me we cuddle up in the sofa and watch films together ( when I can surgically remove him from his game) etc and he tells me he loves me. However i don't know where to go from here.
' He loves me but doesn't know if he wants to be here, he's not patient like me, the kids stress him out, I stress him out with the sex situation, he just wants to relax and play his game, but doesn't want to leave'

I fear that he hasn't adjusted from being a single man being able to sit on his game till early hours to living full time with children and having to balance that out he feels he should be able to spend his free time as he wants - I don't see how he has free time because I sure as hell don't

It's very long and I'm probably missing out crucial facts but I just need advice before a family is ruined which is where I fear this is heading.

Any help or advice is appreciated thank you. Xx

He is addicted to gaming. This is not compatible with family life. You might possibly be better off without him.

his ex cheated and left him

Sure she did

bookwormsforever
We discussed it for a while before deciding to keep the baby, I was previously told I wouldn't have children again due to my ovaries so that played a massive part in the decision and it wasn't one we made lightly but ultimately yes he was happy to carry on the pregnancy.

I'm happy from day to day when we laugh and joke and he's good with our son and makes time for my son too they have a good relationship.
As soon as I think about when we last had sex and see him sat on his game I become annoyed and make a point of telling him which ends up in this massive argument where he forgets all the good and remember the nagging and says he's stressed and all the rest below.

I honestly don't want our relationship to end as much as it infuriates me at times, but I also wouldn't be happy without sex or being prioritised

"I honestly don't want our relationship to end as much as it infuriates me at times, but I also wouldn't be happy without sex or being prioritised"

The last part of your sentence here is already happening. Its over between you and he bar the shouting. He is continuing to disengage from you emotionally and physically. You would be better off apart now also because his primary relationship is with gaming, its certainly not with you. As others have written finances and access arrangements need to be agreed.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
I would also look at your own boundaries in relationships because they seem pretty much non existent as well.

Thank you all for your advice and comments. I think I’ve heard a few things I probably didn’t want to but needed to. I only joined to discuss this so will be deleting the account. Again thank you for taking the time to help.

What he's telling you is that you need to shut up, take on the entire burden of domestic work and childcare, and allow him to spend unlimited time playing games. Otherwise he will leave.

Don't accept this; kick him out. He will never be anything other than selfish and lazy and you will be better off bringing up your two DC on your own. The people who are going to suffer the most are, sadly, his DC.

The posters sniping at OP that she rushed into it after 4 months are being unnecessarily pointed because so did HE!

They BOTH made decisions to progress things at speed, not just the OP.

OP, you will not be able to change him. He doesn't want to change his lifestyle - and only he can change it.

allalittlebitshit, your post was unkind. Even with the faux 'x' on the end of it.

Tbf it shouldn't be a shock anymore to him. Baby is 5.months and they're likely to have living together before that too.

OP if you're still about. Ask him to think about GP Re stress and depression

Your partner sounds like mine. I was a single mum of 4 and I met this amazing single man (he had no kids) we enjoyed dating for over a year before we moved in together and he is massively into his gaming too. I was scared it wouldn't work and he does get stressed with my kids (they are hard work) but nearly 6 years later, we have our own child together and we're doing great. If he wants to escape for a bit to go play his game, he does and I don't mind (most of the time) and he lets me do my own thing as/when I want to. It works. You both need a break.
Do you allow him a bit of time out and vice versa? You've taken a big step and done it quite quickly..... whereas you were used to the family life, I can understand him feeling a little over whelmed. On the other hand, he can't just walk away...... feeling stressed and over whelmed is usually the norm with babies and family life and he needs to grow up a little and take on his responsibility also.

His current behaviour could have contributed to his Ex cheating... though she should have left him first.

He's immature. He can't cope with a baby crying...his Ex probably did it all and he spends hours gaming.

Don't buy a house with him, unless things change.

4 months in and having a baby (even unplanned) was always going to cause issues.

He needs to have a vasectomy so he cannot donate sperm accidentally and sire another child he has no interest in fathering.
You are obviously both super-fertile if you can get pregnant with dodgy ovaries while you are on the pill. Don't assume it won't happen again. Perhaps this is part of his reluctance to DTD with you?

It's not just "a baby" crying, it's his baby that he's equally responsible for. It's not a walk in the park being a responsible adult but that's just the way it is, and it is pathetic to refuse to do any parenting as a result.

He has been quite clear what his priorities are, and it isn't you or your children. I couldn't bear to have to put up with such a waste of space.

I think I would point out to him, that if you break up, he will have one lot of kids one weekend, and then your baby the other, plus other contact days in between, plus need to contribute financially, so he will be either at work trying to make enough to pay for the children or having them to stay.

I honestly don't want our relationship to end as much as it infuriates me at times, but I also wouldn't be happy without sex or being prioritised

You can't make him either shag or prioritise you. Those aren't your choices to make. The only choice you have is whether to remain in a relationship where you aren't being shagged or prioritised and where your partner has made clear that you aren't going to be.

I don’t think any relationship will make it back from this point without some outside help - relationship counselling will help you both clarify exactly what you want and whether you want to work to stay together or if you need to break up in a healthy, non-accusatory way (which is invaluable for successful co-parenting apart).

No point in dwelling on the speed that got you to this point - you can;t change the past, but you can work towards a better future for you all.

And for cripes sake, don’t sell your property until the relationship is making you both happy.

Sounds like my dad who'd often rant about how everywhere he goes in the house, there's a kid there. His idea to have 6 of them.

I'd get rid.

Maybe the sex has stopped because he's afraid of pregnancy. You did conceive despite being on the pill and having a dodgy ovary.

If I were him I wouldn't be able to get it up either.

His primary relationship is with his game. Not with you or his children.

I'd suspect it's more gaming is the tool he uses to disengage.

Surprised op you want to Dereg....that's usually what trolls do.

There are other options when faced with an unwanted and unplanned pregnancy.

There’s no point in telling what she should have done a year ago!! She s not the first woman ever to have an unplanned pregnancy. I’d dont think its helpful to criticise her for that now.

I don't think you're being entirely honest with yourself over this pregnancy OP. You say "I was previously told I wouldn't have children again due to my ovaries" but elsewhere you also say you "took the pill religiously" ....

You are obviously both super-fertile if you can get pregnant with dodgy ovaries while you are on the pill. Don't assume it won't happen again. Perhaps this is part of his reluctance to DTD with you?

I'd say it is. if the OP got pregnant within a few months of them meeting, and then everything got fast-forwarded, it's not really surprising he's reluctant to risk another pregnancy.

OP you can only, as pp have suggested, sit down and talk with him. But I really wouldn't commit to housebuying unless things change for you both.

Don’t get the post deleted OP, whether you de register or not. There’s advice here that can help others and people have put effort into helping you.

His ‘this life isn’t for me’ is him clearly telling you he’d prefer he life he had before where he lived alone and could play games anytime he fancied to the life he now has with you and all of these kids.

Like PP have said, you can’t force him to prioritise you or want sex with you. I’m not surprised his sex drive has gone tbh, with the stress of a sudden rushed blended family, going from two kids part time to four total including living full time with another two! He’s probably lost interest sexually and scared of another pregnancy.

Sounds like the relationship is done and it’s just practicalities now. Don’t sell yourself short. You might feel loved when he’s cuddling you in between games, but is that enough for you? Is that truly love? Isn’t love him being as active a parent as you are, all in raising your child together, wanting to spend time together, getting involved in family life? Being snuggled on the sofa feels nice but it’s not really love. Love is an action as well as a feeling.