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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like I've been raped

130 replies

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 20:45

Things haven't been great between me and dh for a while. I get no attention from him, it's like he doesn't want to be in a relationship and ignores me most of the time while going off with his mates. I've been questioning for some time if I want to stay and come to the conclusion that basically I don't, am working up the courage to leave while saving money for a deposit, etc for a house. Our sex life is non existent as I don't feel that I want to have sex with him when he treats me like this.

A few weeks ago I went out with a friend and got drunker than I intended to. I haven't drunk alcohol in ages and think it affected me more than it should have done. I drank the same as my friend who was fine. She walked me home so I know I got home ok.

I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor. I felt awful and have no memory of anything that happened from the minute I walked in the house. But I could tell I'd had sex, and rough sex at that as I was badly cut/grazed inside.

I spent all morning throwing up I was so hungover.

I confronted dh saying that I knew I'd had sex with him. He denied it at first. But kind of laughingly denied it. He wanted to know how I knew I'd had sex and I said because it hurt so much. Then later on he admitted it but said I seemed up for it. I asked him if that was before I was throwing up, while I was throwing up, after I was throwing up.

He'd already said what a bad state I was in when I got home, that I'd been sick in the bath, staggering around, etc. That he was worried I was going to fall down the stairs.

I've been having some flashbacks to that night including a very brief flashback of having sex with him and from my snapshot recollection I was on the bed with my head hanging over the edge of the bed and couldn't move. That doesn't sound very "up for it" to me.

I even thought about going to the police the next day but just couldn't cope with the thought of it. If he got found guilty and sent to prison he's still the father of my dc. But now I'm kind of mad that he's got away with it and has probably just forgotten about it while it's eating me up.

I dunno what to do. I think I want to leave him anyway and feel like this has made me want to leave him even more. But I don't know if I'm just looking for excuses to justify leaving. If I told him this had upset me enough to make me want to leave I think he'd just laugh and say I was over reacting. Am I over reacting? Maybe he did genuinely think I was up for it? We've had sex (years ago) when I've been quite drunk. But at least those times I wasn't so off my face that I couldn't remember it, plus our relationship was in a better place. God, I sound like an alcoholic and I swear I'm not. It was the first time I'd drunk anything in over six months.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 06/01/2019 20:48

I think you need to see the police and a doctor as soon as possible. You poor thing. That man is a fucking animal.

Do you think he drugged you when you got home?

One thing - I wouldn't warn him in advance about the police. Let him think he's won this game.

You don't happen to have texts where he admits anything, do you?

HollowTalk · 06/01/2019 20:49

If he was worried you'd fall downstairs, how come you ended up in the kitchen, on the floor? That's literally leaving you for dead. Were your children in the house?

wallowinwater · 06/01/2019 20:52

That definitely rape, you were so drunk you were unable to consent, please report him and make sure you are safe.

wallowinwater · 06/01/2019 20:53

That definitely rape, you were so drunk you were unable to consent, please report him and make sure you are safe.

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 20:53

Dc are older teens but yes were in the house (asleep).

I really don't think he would have drugged me. I can't go to the police, don't think dc would forgive me. No texts for evidence. The police wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. No forensic evidence now, were married, I can't even really remember anything.

I did say that I can't believe he left me all night on the kitchen floor. I assume I must have gone downstairs at some point afterwards. He said I seemed ok and was face Down so he didn't think I'd choke.

OP posts:
TheSheepofWallSt · 06/01/2019 20:53

Ugh ugh ugh

He’s a fucking rapist.

I appreciate he’s the father of your children- but is a rapist the sort of father figure you think your children should have? Please do not let a misguided sense of “playing happy families” stop you from taking action.

I’m so sorry this happened to you.
It’s vile. He’s vile. You are heard, believed and supported.

CardinalCat · 06/01/2019 20:53

You don't have to go to the police but you should absolutely call Rape Crisis for a confidential chat. Not sure if you're in the UK but here are the details if you live in England/Wales.
rapecrisis.org.uk/

letsdolunch321 · 06/01/2019 20:54

It doesn’t matter if it is days later - you did NOT consent to sex.

HE RAPED YOU

Please see the police asap

HollowTalk · 06/01/2019 20:55

You know, never mind the kids at this point. If they were raped you would tell the police. You have the same rights and they should defend you.

Imagine if they'd come downstairs and found you like that. Just imagine that.

NewYearsNiamh · 06/01/2019 20:57

I think he raped you.

He said I seemed ok and was face Down so he didn't think I'd choke. Confused Shock This is also not ok.

Flowers

Do you have anyone you can talk to IRL?

NotANotMan · 06/01/2019 21:00

He raped you and left you passed out on the kitchen floor ShockSad
Sweetheart please cut the ties. You deserve a better life than this.

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:01

I've told a couple of my friends who were shocked but supportive. They think I should leave him anyway as I'm so unhappy never mind this.

I really don't feel I can go to the police. I will never be believed and he will just tell people I'm an awful person, lying about something so serious to justify leaving him or something. What if the kids believe him, not me? It will be so much aggravation for no benefit. I wish I'd gone to the police that day when there would have been physical evidence.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 06/01/2019 21:04

I'm really sorry for what you've been through OP, it's clear that you didn't consent to what your husband did to you. You're right about the police, they will take your complaint seriously and follow procedure, but unless your husband admits to it there's absolutely no prospect of it getting to court, let alone a conviction. A guilty verdict must be based on a finding beyond reasonable doubt, and there is not the evidence here to support that.

That's not to say that you wouldn't be believed - by us, by the police and by the jury - but that the criminal burden of proof is high.

Please seek support from Rape Crisis and from Women's Aid on what you might want to do next. Please please remember, none of this is your fault.

Thatsalovelycuppatea · 06/01/2019 21:04

Please call the police. This man raped you and it's made me so sad, it's with someone you should have been able to trust when drunk. Sad

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:05

I will definitely ring rape crisis and maybe women's aid as well. I want to tell him to leave but I know he would refuse.

OP posts:
CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:05

And I'm honestly scared how he will react if I tell him I want him to leave.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 06/01/2019 21:06

Just to clarify, I'm not telling you not to go to the police, but to be realistic about what they can do. They will believe you, but a case will only be taken forward with a realistic chance of conviction.

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:07

I know thanks.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 06/01/2019 21:08

Women's Aid should be able to support you in getting a legal order to make him leave the property. However that would be up to a district judge, it's not a given that it would be granted.

AnotherEmma · 06/01/2019 21:08
Flowers

Please look up your nearest SARC (sexual assault referral centre) and go there ASAP.

They can give you a medical check-up and record evidence of the assault without any obligation to report to the police. But it keeps the option open. I think they can also signpost to emotional support.

You could also call Rape Crisis as PPs have suggested.

Have there ever been incidents like this before? With him pressuring you to have sex or do things you're not completely comfortable with?

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:09

Part of me keeps asking, what if I did come home and throw my clothes off and chuck myself at him? I don't think I did, but if I did then maybe he's not as bad as I'm thinking? Though I also think any decent bloke would say, "no, you're shit faced". But maybe as we're married it wouldn't have crossed his mind that actually I wouldn't have consented.

OP posts:
CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:10

I don't feel I even have enough evidence now to get a judge to issue an order to tell him to leave.

It was nearly a month ago, certainly no physical evidence now.

OP posts:
AnotherEmma · 06/01/2019 21:10

OP please don't do this.

You were not able to consent. You were far too drunk and you can't even remember.

Please don't try and convince yourself that you consented. You didn't.

It was rape.

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 21:11

We've been together 20 years and he's not done anything like this before. Which makes me think he didn't realise?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 06/01/2019 21:13

How could he not realise??