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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel like I've been raped

130 replies

CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 20:45

Things haven't been great between me and dh for a while. I get no attention from him, it's like he doesn't want to be in a relationship and ignores me most of the time while going off with his mates. I've been questioning for some time if I want to stay and come to the conclusion that basically I don't, am working up the courage to leave while saving money for a deposit, etc for a house. Our sex life is non existent as I don't feel that I want to have sex with him when he treats me like this.

A few weeks ago I went out with a friend and got drunker than I intended to. I haven't drunk alcohol in ages and think it affected me more than it should have done. I drank the same as my friend who was fine. She walked me home so I know I got home ok.

I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor. I felt awful and have no memory of anything that happened from the minute I walked in the house. But I could tell I'd had sex, and rough sex at that as I was badly cut/grazed inside.

I spent all morning throwing up I was so hungover.

I confronted dh saying that I knew I'd had sex with him. He denied it at first. But kind of laughingly denied it. He wanted to know how I knew I'd had sex and I said because it hurt so much. Then later on he admitted it but said I seemed up for it. I asked him if that was before I was throwing up, while I was throwing up, after I was throwing up.

He'd already said what a bad state I was in when I got home, that I'd been sick in the bath, staggering around, etc. That he was worried I was going to fall down the stairs.

I've been having some flashbacks to that night including a very brief flashback of having sex with him and from my snapshot recollection I was on the bed with my head hanging over the edge of the bed and couldn't move. That doesn't sound very "up for it" to me.

I even thought about going to the police the next day but just couldn't cope with the thought of it. If he got found guilty and sent to prison he's still the father of my dc. But now I'm kind of mad that he's got away with it and has probably just forgotten about it while it's eating me up.

I dunno what to do. I think I want to leave him anyway and feel like this has made me want to leave him even more. But I don't know if I'm just looking for excuses to justify leaving. If I told him this had upset me enough to make me want to leave I think he'd just laugh and say I was over reacting. Am I over reacting? Maybe he did genuinely think I was up for it? We've had sex (years ago) when I've been quite drunk. But at least those times I wasn't so off my face that I couldn't remember it, plus our relationship was in a better place. God, I sound like an alcoholic and I swear I'm not. It was the first time I'd drunk anything in over six months.

OP posts:
musketeersmama · 06/01/2019 22:46

I’m so sad for you that this happened. You deserve so much better. Xxx

Waddsup12 · 06/01/2019 22:46

The way my tenants do it is have a 2-month rolling tenancy, so that they can buy and move with less overlap, etc.

Renting isn't a waste if it gives you flexibility, safety and keeps from any further financial abuse.

But I think one step at a time, solicitor first.

AcrossthePond55 · 06/01/2019 22:48

As far as your pension and/or getting financially screwed, would you rather keep what you have but live the rest of your life in hell, or give him part of what you have and live the rest of your live in peace?

This is why you MUST see a solicitor ASAP. Only they can tell you what is likely to happen in your particular situation. Anything else is pure speculation.

Coolhwip · 06/01/2019 22:50

I think if you're angry now that he seems to have got away with it, then in years to come you may feel even angrier. I would tell the police. Flowers

Original poster
CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 22:56

I also don't know what to do with my dog which is worrying me.

If I rent I'm unlikely to be able to take her with me. H likes the dog but has never walked her. Saying that I do have a dog walker 5 days a week. So guess I could leave her behind and continue to pay the dog walker (I'd have to because he wouldn't).

Other option is to rehome her. I actually think the dog walker would have her or possibly one of my friends who adores her. Which would help me money wise as dog walker costs mount up 5 days a week.

But kids would be gutted if she was rehomed.....I would be too. But it looks like I'd have to leave her regardless. Though guess if I left her with h maybe one day I'd get her back.

OP posts:
Ricoetbello · 06/01/2019 22:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

DressingGownPlease · 06/01/2019 22:59

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP. I'm not very good with suggesting what to do financially but I'm sure other posters will have advice. However, I would advise that you speak to someone about what has happened and about how you feel. If not the police, phone a helpline like Rape Crisis.

Flowers
AnotherEmma · 06/01/2019 23:00

You need to get legal advice about an occupation order. (ie that will enable you to stay and force him to move out)

If you are willing to report the rape that will help.

Hanomi · 06/01/2019 23:07

Dear OP

I am so sorry that this has happened. I'm sure there are many people reading this who have overindulged in the past and regretted it to whatever extent. However, that does not give others a free pass to take advantage of you - particularly the one person you should be able to rely on above all others. Please reflect on what advice you would give to your sister/friend/daughter or anyone else if they described this scenario to you.

The law is very clear that a person who is so intoxicated as you describe cannot possibly consent. If you go to the police you will be taken seriously and they will do everything they can to help you. You are right that the forensic window has passed however, an investigation would still take place, if you wanted it to. If so you would most likely be video interviewed (a video as opposed to a written statement helps to get the best evidence and ensure small but important details are not missed) and they would speak to other people you have told and gather any other evidence they could (there may for example be CCTV of you coming home drunk, which would show your level of intoxication and therefore inability to consent). He would be interviewed and through his arrogance might trip himself up. As a previous post said, there is minimal prospect of conviction however that does not mean zero. Think about historic child sex offences - there are no forensics with those but we still hear about such cases going through the courts. Whilst I cannot tell you that there will even be a prosecution, never mind a conviction at least there will be a record of what has happened. They will also be able to signpost you to sources of help and support. If you decide not to go to the police now, that does not stop you reporting it to them at any point in the future.

If you do nothing else, please, please speak to Rape Crisis, or another similar organisation - there are many excellent local ones depending on where you live and they are usually run by people who will have been through a similar-ish (obviously every situation is different) situation themselves and might understand some of the emotions you are and will experience.

Thinking of you and wishing you well.

SirVixofVixHall · 06/01/2019 23:08

Op as you say you drank the same as your friend who was fine, and yet you blacked out, do you think your drink could have been spiked?
Do you remember walking home and getting in ?

Original poster
CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 23:13

I remember leaving the pub with her, that's it.

I don't think my drink was spiked. I never put my drink down. I went to the loo but left my drink on the table with my friend. Quiet village pub, not crazy night out in town.

OP posts:
Original poster
CantStopThinkingAboutIt · 06/01/2019 23:15

I'm too scared to try and get an occupation order because if I try and fail he will go mad. Would he know I've applied?

OP posts:
DishingOutDone · 06/01/2019 23:19

OP you need someone to sit down with you and go through the options. Get a solicitor's appointment urgently and ask about an occupation order. Do nothing until you have had legal advice. I hear in your posts all your worries about keeping things "normal" and then you just slipping away. Sadly that's unlikely to be possible.

I also agree with everyone recommending rape crisis to help you to decide on that.

It sounds like you have support in RL from friends so that's great, now ring up first thing and get a solicitors appointment even if its one you have to pay for if you can afford it, or if not get the free initial consultation. Ask for the divorce lawyer and insist it is a female. If you want to tell them what happened you can, its your solicitor they will support you, if not you can just say you are scared of him and take it from there. But please get proper advice on where you stand financially and what you can do. Get all your options, have everything in front of you. Knowledge is power.

Ethel80 · 06/01/2019 23:20

@CantStopThinkingAboutIt I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's horrendous.

Please don't leave the property. It's your home and your children's home and you all deserve to stay there and feel safe. Please speak to Women's Aid tomorrow and get some advice about an occupation order. He can be ordered to leave the property.

It sounds like financially you're in a good position which will help you stay there or at least give you time to decide what to do.

As for the police, that's up to you. I would definitely speak to Rape Crisis and maybe contact your nearest SARC just in case you decide to report in the future.

Please keep talking, lean on friends, chat on here. You sound amazingly strong but don't underestimate the trauma you have experienced.

merville · 06/01/2019 23:24

I don't know about the occupation order.

I do know about the extra stamp duty though; if you buy a second property (without having sold the first) it's counted as a second home and you get hit with the extra 3%. However if/when the first property is sold, as long as it's within 3years, you can claim it back. You can do it yourself online/by post. Solicitors will offer to do it for you but they don't have to. (If they're not charging much extra, you could just have them do it though;they do it regularly and it's off your chore list).

If you absolutely couldn't afford the extra stamp duty, you'd most definitely be better to rent or stay with your friend until your 'first' house is sold.

As someone said, you move to a rolling, one month each way contract after six months (which will fly in) and you just give notice in line with the completion date agreed by the seller and two solicitors.

Waddsup12 · 06/01/2019 23:25

Wait & see what happens, some landlords accept dogs. I would always ask.

I wouldn't add more distress for the DC.

merville · 06/01/2019 23:27

(Obviously you'd need to double check you're in the standard 6 month contract followed by one month rolling contract setup with the letting agent).

This is all assuming you can't get him out and remortgage your current home, it would obviously be ideal if you could.

AnyFucker · 06/01/2019 23:28

Leaving you passed out on the kitchen floor with internal injuries after raping you

This reminds me of the John Broadhurst case

merville · 06/01/2019 23:31

Are you actually named on the mortgage and title/ownership deeds for your home?

If not, I do know people who've bought on their own, not told the solicitor their spoyse owns a property (HMRC conveniently treat married couples as one unit for stamp duty)band gotten away with it - however you are always taking the risk that HMRC could find out somehow and fuck knows what they'd hit you with legally or financially. Prob. not worth the risk.

merville · 06/01/2019 23:32

If you can't get him out, renting off/staying with your friend sounds ideal, in the short term at least.

Dallasty · 07/01/2019 00:24

" Laughingly denied it"....seriously chilling OP. And then left you slumped on the floor. Here's a man with something to hide. And maybe you have just scratched the surface of the real person that you are with. Are you certain it was just him in the house that night?

Mummylife2018 · 07/01/2019 10:14

I'm on a one month rolling tenancy with my rented house. I only ever have to give 30 days notice to move. The Landlord has to give me 60 days if he wants me to leave. It is ongoing. Works perfectly. It is known as a Statutory Periodic Tenancy. Just ask the Letting Agent or Landlord and they should agree to it?

Mummylife2018 · 07/01/2019 10:15

By the way, I'm so sorry for what you went through Thanks I'm also sorry for the sadness that your husband of 20 years, isn't who you thought he was. You must be devastated Thanks xx

Wordthe · 07/01/2019 10:24

Wanting to have sex with someone who is unconscious, I think it links with necrophilia I find it very disturbing and sinister

SirVixofVixHall · 07/01/2019 23:04

AnyFucker - it reminded me of that too.
OP you are very obviously afraid of him, and now you know what he is capable of you have even more reason to be afraid. Please take care of yourself and make sure you have support around you.
Personally i wondered whether he knew you wouldn’t remember, because you weren’t conscious. To be that hurt internally and not register you must have completely blacked out .