I feel like I've been raped

[CantStopThinkingAboutIt]

Things haven't been great between me and dh for a while. I get no attention from him, it's like he doesn't want to be in a relationship and ignores me most of the time while going off with his mates. I've been questioning for some time if I want to stay and come to the conclusion that basically I don't, am working up the courage to leave while saving money for a deposit, etc for a house. Our sex life is non existent as I don't feel that I want to have sex with him when he treats me like this.

A few weeks ago I went out with a friend and got drunker than I intended to. I haven't drunk alcohol in ages and think it affected me more than it should have done. I drank the same as my friend who was fine. She walked me home so I know I got home ok.

I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor. I felt awful and have no memory of anything that happened from the minute I walked in the house. But I could tell I'd had sex, and rough sex at that as I was badly cut/grazed inside.

I spent all morning throwing up I was so hungover.

I confronted dh saying that I knew I'd had sex with him. He denied it at first. But kind of laughingly denied it. He wanted to know how I knew I'd had sex and I said because it hurt so much. Then later on he admitted it but said I seemed up for it. I asked him if that was before I was throwing up, while I was throwing up, after I was throwing up.

He'd already said what a bad state I was in when I got home, that I'd been sick in the bath, staggering around, etc. That he was worried I was going to fall down the stairs.

I've been having some flashbacks to that night including a very brief flashback of having sex with him and from my snapshot recollection I was on the bed with my head hanging over the edge of the bed and couldn't move. That doesn't sound very "up for it" to me.

I even thought about going to the police the next day but just couldn't cope with the thought of it. If he got found guilty and sent to prison he's still the father of my dc. But now I'm kind of mad that he's got away with it and has probably just forgotten about it while it's eating me up.

I dunno what to do. I think I want to leave him anyway and feel like this has made me want to leave him even more. But I don't know if I'm just looking for excuses to justify leaving. If I told him this had upset me enough to make me want to leave I think he'd just laugh and say I was over reacting. Am I over reacting? Maybe he did genuinely think I was up for it? We've had sex (years ago) when I've been quite drunk. But at least those times I wasn't so off my face that I couldn't remember it, plus our relationship was in a better place. God, I sound like an alcoholic and I swear I'm not. It was the first time I'd drunk anything in over six months.

OP I'm so sorry. Here's my advice.

1. Go to GP. Ask for an internal to see if any physical evidence remains.
2. Report to police without pressing charges. You only want it recorded.
3. Use his holiday to get yourself organised.

If I was scared about leaving, I'd leave during his holiday.

Good luck OP. Worst part of all of this is not being believed. I do like the idea of calling him out and saying you saw the GP and have the physical evidence recorded already.

The fact that you're very much afraid of his reaction to you telling him you want to break up indicates that he's hugely abusive already. If a partner is afraid of their OH for any reason then that's all you need to know that the relationship is not healthy.

People argue, sure. People make mistakes, sure. But the second you're afraid of your partner? Get out, safely, ASAP.

There is no force on this earth that would make me leave my DP unconscious on the floor. Never mind have sex with her in that condition.

I'm so sorry this he has done this. I hope you have an amazing life without him!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. It is rape, of course it is. You must be in shock.

Renting is your best bet because house sales can drag on and you need to be out ASAP for your safety and of course your mental health. As others have said, usually most tenancies are 6 months followed by a rolling 30 day thing unless it specifies otherwise in the contact. Some tenancies are for 12 months initially but this is less usual and would be mentioned in the ad or contract. You would want some overlap between getting the keys for your own home and moving out of your rental - partly so you can clean and make it nice in order to get your deposit back.

It would be most sensible to leave the dog with your H if the dogwalker is visiting, or maybe she or someone else could foster the dog until you manage to buy a place and then it can be back with you.

I agree it's worth logging with the police even if you don't want to press charges.

Just a heads up that when you are renting, you usually phone up and ask to view, if the property is currently tenanted they will need to book a viewing around the schedue of the current tenantsso they have to ask them, then get back to you etc. Then you'd view, if you like it then apply by filling out forms in the office and if the letting agent/landlord are happy you'll be told some days later you have been offered the property. After that most letting agents will perform a credit and affordability check, mine used Homelet to do this. There is usually a charge of a hundred quid or more for this. Once you pass the credit check then they'll start thinking about a move in date, obviously if it's tenanted they'll know when they move out and they usually allow a buffer afterwards so they can check it over for damage, decorate if needed etc. Then they do an inventory and take pictures and then you get to move in and get keys! It usually takes a few weeks if the property is empty and a bit nore if you have to wait for the other tenants term to be up.
Just giving you that as a heads up so you know what sort of timescale to expect. If somewhere is empty they could probably hustle things along for you though. I so hope you're okay, keep talking on here. What he did was NOT OKAY.

@CantStopThinkingAboutIt Are you ok OP? X