Things haven't been great between me and dh for a while. I get no attention from him, it's like he doesn't want to be in a relationship and ignores me most of the time while going off with his mates. I've been questioning for some time if I want to stay and come to the conclusion that basically I don't, am working up the courage to leave while saving money for a deposit, etc for a house. Our sex life is non existent as I don't feel that I want to have sex with him when he treats me like this.
A few weeks ago I went out with a friend and got drunker than I intended to. I haven't drunk alcohol in ages and think it affected me more than it should have done. I drank the same as my friend who was fine. She walked me home so I know I got home ok.
I woke up the next morning on the kitchen floor. I felt awful and have no memory of anything that happened from the minute I walked in the house. But I could tell I'd had sex, and rough sex at that as I was badly cut/grazed inside.
I spent all morning throwing up I was so hungover.
I confronted dh saying that I knew I'd had sex with him. He denied it at first. But kind of laughingly denied it. He wanted to know how I knew I'd had sex and I said because it hurt so much. Then later on he admitted it but said I seemed up for it. I asked him if that was before I was throwing up, while I was throwing up, after I was throwing up.
He'd already said what a bad state I was in when I got home, that I'd been sick in the bath, staggering around, etc. That he was worried I was going to fall down the stairs.
I've been having some flashbacks to that night including a very brief flashback of having sex with him and from my snapshot recollection I was on the bed with my head hanging over the edge of the bed and couldn't move. That doesn't sound very "up for it" to me.
I even thought about going to the police the next day but just couldn't cope with the thought of it. If he got found guilty and sent to prison he's still the father of my dc. But now I'm kind of mad that he's got away with it and has probably just forgotten about it while it's eating me up.
I dunno what to do. I think I want to leave him anyway and feel like this has made me want to leave him even more. But I don't know if I'm just looking for excuses to justify leaving. If I told him this had upset me enough to make me want to leave I think he'd just laugh and say I was over reacting. Am I over reacting? Maybe he did genuinely think I was up for it? We've had sex (years ago) when I've been quite drunk. But at least those times I wasn't so off my face that I couldn't remember it, plus our relationship was in a better place. God, I sound like an alcoholic and I swear I'm not. It was the first time I'd drunk anything in over six months.