Online dating - how not to take things personally

[why100000]

I have joined Guardian Soulmates, because even though some of the profiles are a touch on the “earnest” side - in the end, after looking at lots of others, it was the one I liked the most.

So I have joined for one month (the other sites wouldn’t let you do that) and have messaged the only person I thought looked at all appealing. I am sure people are also judging me and I have had very few views and nothing else (joined today) - so I am not saying that I am better in any way - but just that this person was the only one who seemed interesting - something about him.

So I messaged him - just a would you like to message kind of thing - he has seen it (at 2.50pm), and has not got back to me.

And now I feel overcome by a wave of sort of shame and embarrassment - WTF am I doing - I should just get back in my cave and stay there . It feels very exposing.

I am recently divorced - ex moved out in April. In many ways I think I will never get over ex, my marriage or my awful divorce. Maybe I should accept that.

Maybe I am not suited to OLD . But I have blown £32 on it.

After all WTF would I care that some stranger does not want to answer a message. But I obviously do .

Is it rude to leave messages unanswered?

You need thick skin for online dating. Keep at it though.

I do think it's rude though but yet I've seen countless internet dating threads on here and woman seem even worse for just ignoring messages

You'll get the hang of it. No, it isn't rude to leave messages unanswered, although he probably will get back to you. Just try messaging people for a bit of practice at chatting, flirting, messaging ... and see where it leads. If you are spending £32 to message one person, that's an expensive site!!

It's hard work and like lynnepot said, thick skin is essential.

People are surprisingly rude. There's a load of bullshitters. There's a few real gems. They take a while to unearth unless you're dead lucky

It gets easier...

I think the best attitude with OLD is to look for 'male friends' & if any progress to more, so much the better. I met my DH this way and it took a looong time and a lot of wasted effort. Long conversations with people that went nowhere. People who seemed awesome but then when we met the spark just wasn't there. And of course the odd few who were only after one thing. And like you say the inevitable disappointment if someone you like the look of doesn't respond. Remember you know nothing about that guy's preferences or past experiences - there could be something in your profile that's a deal breaker without being a personal judgement on you at all...or he might already be in the early stages of connecting with someone so still on there but not seriously looking. But the looking for friends approach takes the pressure off a bit...& also makes you more open to starting conversations with people you'd rule out as love interests. I would probably have never contacted DH otherwise. But turns out he was the right one for me :) Good luck!

If you are spending £32 to message one person, that's an expensive site!!

Yes I was thinking that! And talk about being over invested in the outcome to one message to a literal virtual stranger. In any case he does live one and half hours away, so that might have something to do with it.

Yes I will message more people.

I met my husband doing online dating but I had to date a few first before I found my match.

You definitely need a thick skin.

I didn't answer all messages.

I only answered messages where I found their profiles a combination of interesting and maybe someone I may possibly have a spark with in real life. I don't think it's rude to not answer.

I'm not saying he doesn't find you interesting by the way, he may well answer later or you may not just be his cup of tea.

If it makes you feel better after my first date he text me and said I looked uglier in real life than my photo. Fucking charmer eh?!

Glad to say they got better after that and I got better at picking them.

Thanks.

Yes looking for friends - that is my approach really as I am not even sure if I want a relationship... it would depend on the person I guess.

Are the men on dating sites generally open to potential friendships as well?

Maybe you feel sensitive about it as it's your first experience with OLD?

I'm sure as with most things, you'll become desensitized to rejection etc the longer you keep at it, and able to get over it quicker.

I met DP on OLD 8 years ago.

You absolutely do have to have a thick skin.

What is your profile like? Have you said much about your personality and interests?

It could be that you've said something that I'd v much the opposite to him or his likes/dislikes.

On OLD I must admit I immediately dismissed men for many reasons. For example: photo of them leaning against a twatty car in a vest, flexing muscles in a mirror, holding a gun, naked but for a towel round waist, picture of them with their mum (!), or a comment like "England for the English", "drum and bass is my life"...

It could be seen as a shallow way to dismiss a person but in some instances I sensed that I would not be compatible with that person.

A friend of mine dismissed any spurs fans!

Just a bit of insight.

In the end DP and I got talking about 2 things I'd mentioned on my profile, a tv show I loved and the fact that I'm a huge fan of cheese.

Yes probably. I am only trying it out to see if it leads to anything but I have a feeling it won’t.

The thing about wanting to make friends - I suppose you know it’s a dating site and I am looking at photos wondering whether I would want to touch any of those people, and maybe because I am recently divorced, or I don’t know why, the answer is just no, no, no, no, no.

Should have joined a meet-up group instead.

I guess that at 49 I may not get a lot of interest from OLD men? Even though a lot of them have quite wide age parameters, essentially they will be going for younger people.

Sorry that was to Loka.

Yes I have said quite a lot about things I like ghostsauce. I have been completely straight up about what I am looking for - basically someone to meet up with a couple of times a week, and that I am open to friendship in general if there is no chemistry.

Yes it is totally ridiculous to take it personally.

I met quite a few men I just went out for drinks with fit company, just chatting and evenings in the pub. It took a lot of slogging to eventually find DP!

Don't give up too soon!

Have you had any dick pics yet? You many not on guardian. I got quite a few on OKC. There's some weirdos out there in the world of OLD. Someone sent me a photo of his micro-penis asking if I wanted to chat

I would look at other websites too even the free ones as the numbers on guardian soulmates is very sparse unless you are in London. Also many potential daters are on all the sites.

Yes I am in London - but still I think no one on GS likes me.

I have no likes and no messages. Not actually that bothered as I have enough to cope with in my life what with teenagers and my job, but I have spent £32 so I better do something .

Drinks in the pub sound good - or coffee. Just nice to chat really.

If I get a picture of someone’s penis not sure what I will do. That does make opening messages scary actually. Just block and report I suppose.

What is the ratio of dick pics to messages? Worried now. Ugh.

I did online dating for about 18 months in total in 3 6 months bursts.

I tried Match and POF and I've never had a dick pic. I only ever gave my number out at the point at which we were discussing meeting and I didn't talk to just anyone on the off chance.

I think you need to try a free site alongside GS. Get yourself more attuned to it all and confident.

I've never had a dick pic sent to me!

It’s definitely not rude not to reply: in the kindest way possible, nobody owes anyone a reply. Many people feel it’s just a waste of both of your time to craft a reply when they know it’s not gonna happen. Plus lots of people would rather imagine they’ve been forgotten about due to being busy or whatever than receive an outright rejection in black and white! A message is an invitation to reply, but there’s zero obligation or duty to do so.

Get on tinder, and plenty of fish. I’ve had great luck with both, Tinder is especially brilliant, met my current amazing OH and long term ex on tinder. Plus they’re free!

Also, you joined TODAY yet you’re already stressing about someone not replying yet and receiving no other interest! You’re jumping the gun big time, wait and see. People aren’t on it constantly. New people join, etc. Just see it as one extra way to maybe meet someone as you’re leaving a door open, but focus on other ways to meet people and your own life too!

Also, you joined TODAY yet you’re already stressing about someone not replying yet and receiving no other interest!

Erm, yes .

Is Tinder not full of people just looking for hook ups? I’ve heard that it isn’t, but isn’t that what it was at the beginning?

Yes will focus on other ways to meet people too.

I think it had a reputation as that to start with, yeah! And some people still use it for that, but they make it obvious, and if you don’t want that you just don’t engage. From my experience I mostly met really great guys who were open to dating and relationships, as I didn’t continue talking to the ones wanting to hook up. These days loads of people meet their partners on Tinder. My best friend is engaged to and has two kids with her match 😂

I'd recommend trying OKCupid. It's different to tinder and POF. I found that a lot of people just wanted to chat, it was much more chilled, less like a hook up site.

I probably got 5 dick pics in 6 months. Not because of my appearance or anything, I didn't have a photo of myself on my profile.

I used tinder and pof for a while and never got so much as a single dick pic!