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Original poster

Online dating - how not to take things personally

76 replies

why100000 · 06/01/2019 17:31

I have joined Guardian Soulmates, because even though some of the profiles are a touch on the “earnest” side - in the end, after looking at lots of others, it was the one I liked the most.

So I have joined for one month (the other sites wouldn’t let you do that) and have messaged the only person I thought looked at all appealing. I am sure people are also judging me and I have had very few views and nothing else (joined today) - so I am not saying that I am better in any way - but just that this person was the only one who seemed interesting - something about him.

So I messaged him - just a would you like to message kind of thing - he has seen it (at 2.50pm), and has not got back to me.

And now I feel overcome by a wave of sort of shame and embarrassment - WTF am I doing - I should just get back in my cave and stay there Blush. It feels very exposing.

I am recently divorced - ex moved out in April. In many ways I think I will never get over ex, my marriage or my awful divorce. Maybe I should accept that.

Maybe I am not suited to OLD Grin. But I have blown £32 on it.

After all WTF would I care that some stranger does not want to answer a message. But I obviously do Grin.

Is it rude to leave messages unanswered?

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 07/01/2019 11:15

From my (a guy’s) POV, you definitely need a thick skin for OLD and a lot of patience and perserverance. I found that there were a lot of time wasters / people who were just after a bit of an ego rub.

People get jaded, which is why you can get to a point where you don’t spend lots of time on a personalised initial message because you know the chances are that it’ll get ignored or, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a “thanks but no thanks” reply. Of course a non-personalised approach, or a “hi” or whatever, will get criticised by the equally jaded women you’d like to start a conversation with! It’s easy to see why a lot of people give up.

Everyone has different red lines, OP, but one of mine would have been an hour and a half distance - too far to make dating easy - so I suspect that might be why he’s not replied straight away. He may also be at work so may not be able to reply until tonight.

Itsonlyme11 · 07/01/2019 11:25

I just cried today after one guy ended it after 2 dates. We had so much in common and so much to talk about. I’m not thick skinned at all. I just feel like I’ll never be pretty enough, thin enough, interesting enough for any man to date me 😞

Azzizam · 07/01/2019 15:16

@Itsonlyme Sorry to hear it has made you that low. It is difficult when you feel you have clicked with someone.
In my experience a lot of them return weeks later after finding out the grass is less green out there. A friendly rebuff is mighty satisfying or occasionally a second go might be fun.
Hope you feel better soon. 😃

ravenmum · 07/01/2019 15:44
  1. He doesn't know you, he only knows your profile. What do you think a man reading it would make of you, who'd never met you? Does it provide all the information they might want before contacting you? Are the photos flattering?
  2. He doesn't have to like or respond to you, the same as you don't have to like or respond to any random man that contacts you saying "Hi how you doing?"
  3. You don't know him. He could be a complete weirdo, a married man who's signed up for kicks but is too scared to act or terribly shy. Don't assume you know why he didn't reply.
  4. Don't join an OLD site and contact people if you can't imagine even touching anyone. You are wasting their time.
  5. Don't go in looking for the love of your life and potential future spouse. Go in looking for a bit of fun that might or might not go further.
  6. Wait until you are really excited and keen on the idea of jumping into bed with a new partner. Don't force it. Took me a year before I was in any way ready.
ravenmum · 07/01/2019 15:45
  1. Don't expect results within 2.5 hours!
GallicosCats · 07/01/2019 16:22

Hope I never find myself in a situation where I might be forced to try OLD. Trying to find your soulmate on Tinder sounds like trying to find a Chanel suit in a jumble sale. Shock

wishywashy6 · 07/01/2019 18:56

@GallicosCats you'd be surprised at the gems you can find at a jumble sale!

My exH has recently got engaged to a lovely lady he met on tinder and I'm more than happy with my partner I met on OLD

I loved my OLD experience, the good the bad and the ugly 😬

Onemansoapopera · 07/01/2019 19:33

@GallicosCats I think that's the best description of my fantastic husband I've ever heard, thank you. Chanel in a jumble sale...he was and is indeed 💕

ravenmum · 08/01/2019 08:17

in a situation where I might be forced to try OLD
What situation might that be? Captured by a Bond villain and held in an underground lair until you give in and sign on to Tinder? Or do you mean the far more awful fate of being single and not just able to go into any bar and pick up a handsome stranger within minutes, unlike yourself?

Come now, don't tell me that if you heard there mght be a Chanel suit in a jumble sale you wouldn't be in there in seconds, up to your armpits in old nighties!

Onemansoapopera · 08/01/2019 08:22

Yep I agree with ravensmum. All I can say is that every date I had off tinder before and including my dh was utterly lovely and not a dick pic in sight. Maybe because other people are too uppity to walk through the door of the jumble, it means we get the chanel to ourselves 😁

GraceMarks · 08/01/2019 13:45

Most of the sites these days have removed the feature whereby you can send photos (via the actual OLD app, anyway), so you'd be unlucky if you did get dick pics now.

I don't think it's rude to ignore messages from people you're not interested in, tbh. When I first started using OLD, I felt like I should at least send a "thanks but no thanks" to guys who'd made an effort to message me, but I found that a few of them turned nasty when I did that. Sometimes I'd get a barrage of "who do you think you are bitch" in return, so I stopped bothering.

But then, women get more messages, I would imagine. I often hear complaints from men that they hardly ever get approached on OLD by women, and that all their messages are ignored, so I would have thought they would be more receptive when they do get a message. Perhaps this guy just isn't online very much?

stevie69 · 08/01/2019 14:04

A friend of mine dismissed any spurs fans!

That made me chuckle. The most gorgeous guy I've ever met is a Spurs fan Blush

RaspberryBeret34 · 08/01/2019 14:19

I think you just need to wade in and get used to it, it does take a while! I remember feeling so sensitive to it all at first. I started with GS and liked one particular guy (I suppose he was my "moving on" poster boy really!). He send me a message in less than a day of joining so I was all excited but the messaging petered out. We did end up going on a few dates over a year later but he was just a bit of a dick!

I'd try tinder or bumble alongside GS (which is pretty slow moving - even my boss who dated within a large area found it quite slow) and see it all as a fun experiment and interesting to meet new people. I didnt write anything on my tinder profile, just a few pics and then you find out about eachother in messages. It took me ages to try Tinder but I liked it in the end as it's quite honest. Also, I used several sites and never had a dick pic. I've been very happy with my boyfriend who I met on Tinder for 3 years now.

GallicosCats · 08/01/2019 14:25

What situation might that be? Captured by a Bond villain and held in an underground lair until you give in and sign on to Tinder? Or do you mean the far more awful fate of being single and not just able to go into any bar and pick up a handsome stranger within minutes, unlike yourself?

Shock Steady on ravensmum, I wasn't meaning that in a snobby way. Just that I'm happily married ATM and very grateful not to be in what looks to me like a shark pool. (Or piranha if you're running with the Bond allusion.)

I stand by my jumble sale analogy as a pretty good illustration of the randomness of the whole process as well as the fact there's a ton of dross out there

MargoLovebutter · 08/01/2019 14:40

Aw, OP welcome to the world of OLD. It is not for the faint-hearted.

I would say you have over-invested in this one message that you have sent. You've clearly spent a great deal of time thinking about which site to use, then you've paid to sign up and then you've clearly gone through a lot of profiles to pick out the one and only one that you thought was worth messaging. That is a huge investment in time and effort for one message, so it is no wonder that you are now feeling a bit stunned that this special person that you picked hasn't got back to you.

From his perspective, he could have been on OLD for 6 months is receiving 6 to 10 messages a day and thinks that you are just sending him an opener in the same way that the other 5 women have. He might be at work, just checking in so that he can reply later. Or he may have looked at your message and thought, "wow, that's a great message and she looks just my type, so I need to have a think about how to reply so I don't blow it" or he might have though, "nice message by she lives too far away / has kids / doesn't have kids / has brown / blonde / red hair etc etc etc. Or maybe he is just a rude, arsehole.

Don't put all your eggs in one basket with this stuff, contact lots of men and see where it goes.

ravenmum · 08/01/2019 14:41

Oh, in that case I'm sorry, but I can't reassure you that you'll never be forced into the indignity of having to look for a new partner 😂

Your analogy is spot on. When you're searching for 50-year-old goods, where else would you find them? They're not in the usual outlets for young people, and you'd look stupid searching in there anyway. None of them are pristine, untouched and still in the box. Some have been chucked out for a reason. Many look a bit the worse for wear. But if you look hard maybe you will spot the odd Chanel suit. Or maybe a closer look at a worn-out old bag will reveal a plush lining.

GallicosCats · 08/01/2019 15:36

Ah, but what man wants a worn-out old bag, even if it does have a plush/silk/Vuitton-logoed lining? Grin

ravenmum · 08/01/2019 15:59

I'm not without offers 😂

GallicosCats · 08/01/2019 16:04

Fair enough. 😅

Original poster
why100000 · 08/01/2019 18:22

Thanks for all the advice.

Anyway, after joining some free sites, as well as Match to add to my GS, I have solved my own problem and cancelled everything. Since I am within the 14 day cooling off period, I will get most of my money back thank god. I am with Bumble for one more week for £7.49 but I can live with that.

I get the message thing - I got a few off POF, but haven’t answered any.

I guess it has been a learning curve for me, and I have discovered that:

  • despite the fact that ex jumped into something with someone else during the horrible months that we were forced to live together while getting divorced, in a sense I will never get over him and cannot imagine being with someone else
  • I am more than happy being single.

So it’s a result then Grin.

OP posts:
Original poster
why100000 · 08/01/2019 18:27

Ex and I met when we were 27 (me) and 39 (him). Meeting someone at my current age of 49 is a whole different ball game. Also, they would smell all wrong, and just wouldn’t be ex Confused. I can’t accommodate the whole relationship angst in my life either not that anyone is asking me to

The freedom I currently have is great I think - and I have more than enough on my plate with my teenage dc, my job and the cat we have had since last Friday Smile.

So cat lady it is then Grin.

OP posts:
QueenOfTheCroneAge · 08/01/2019 18:37

OP you have to do it properly.

Be a MAD cat lady! Grin

rumred · 08/01/2019 20:34

You'll never get over him? That's a bit extreme

Original poster
why100000 · 08/01/2019 20:55

Well we were together for 22 years, and he was my first ever partner.

It does feel like I will never get over him, yes. I will just hold it somewhere inside me forever somehow, and not move on. All other men look like aliens in comparison.

Clearly ex had no such problems moving on - though I don’t know if he is still with this person.

OP posts:
rumred · 08/01/2019 21:23

That's a long relationship. But you've likely got a lot more years ahead of you.
Single is great though. Just be wary of dating when you still have feelings for your ex

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