Online dating - how not to take things personally

[why100000]

I have joined Guardian Soulmates, because even though some of the profiles are a touch on the “earnest” side - in the end, after looking at lots of others, it was the one I liked the most.

So I have joined for one month (the other sites wouldn’t let you do that) and have messaged the only person I thought looked at all appealing. I am sure people are also judging me and I have had very few views and nothing else (joined today) - so I am not saying that I am better in any way - but just that this person was the only one who seemed interesting - something about him.

So I messaged him - just a would you like to message kind of thing - he has seen it (at 2.50pm), and has not got back to me.

And now I feel overcome by a wave of sort of shame and embarrassment - WTF am I doing - I should just get back in my cave and stay there . It feels very exposing.

I am recently divorced - ex moved out in April. In many ways I think I will never get over ex, my marriage or my awful divorce. Maybe I should accept that.

Maybe I am not suited to OLD . But I have blown £32 on it.

After all WTF would I care that some stranger does not want to answer a message. But I obviously do .

Is it rude to leave messages unanswered?

I’ve never had a dick pic either (bit disappointed if I’m honest 😂) but have stepped away from OLD as my skin just isn’t thick enough. Good lick, I know a few people who met their other halves on GS and they lived in London.

Honestly, I'm a sensitive soul and still remember the pic of the guy who didn't respond to me on GSM. However, 12 years on I am with the love of my life. Fick that guy.

My DD met decent men on Tinder. One LTR, now with someone else she met there.

I had a few pleasant dates and a LTR from pof.

Those of us who haven't had a dick pic - maybe 2019 will be our year

The dick pics were not good! They were horrid!

Christ, I never got any dick pics when I did it and I did it for a year and a bit. Having said that it was thirteen years' ago when I'm not sure if dick pics were a thing 😂.

I did get a few bare chests and they went in the no pile 😂

I've never had a dick pic.

Someone did once send me a slo-mo video of them wanking.

Now that is something you do not want to see...

Yes I can imagine.

Just joined Tinder and then immediately deleted my account. Those people have had to make zero effort putting their info together - bung a few photos together and write a line - done. One of them had written “if you don’t want to date, just un match - everything else is a waste of time” on his profile - er - okay then .

Will take a look at the other sites.

I did OLD for the best part of 2 years, and probably went on 25-30 dates. Some men i only met once, some i had multiple dates with, a few turned into really lovely friends. Some just became really impressive dating horror stories!!! I'm now with an absolutely amazing man who i met the old-fashioned way (mutual friend set us up), i love him dearly, and i'm not sorry to say goodbye to OLD.

Lots of men said nice things to me when we were dating... but the one that sticks in my mind was the man who messaged me straight after our date to say he'd had a nice time but there was no spark. Its a perfectly reasonable thing to say, and actually i didnt feel much of a spark either, but my God, that dented my ego!

OLD is a numbers game. Message men who dont tick all your "must-have" boxes, and just steer well clear of any who tick your "must NOT have". Widen your pool of interests, and just get out there and have some fun.

If you send a message and he doesn't reply, he's only doing what countless women have done on dating sites since the internet was invented.

Speaking for myself, I don't reply to people I'm not interested in because I've had way to many "FRIGID BITCH UR OBVIOUSLY A LESBO" messages.

I would like to think most women won't send that sort of message, but who knows?

Concentrate your energies on the ones you're really interested in. I can't speak for what men are interested in, but for women a demonstration that you've read the profile is a pretty sure fire knicker dropper ;)

Just re-read your OP and realised you're primarily interested in men, sorry.

I stand by most of my advice though!

Please read the dating thread on here. It has literally saved me and helped me view dating in a different way.

It’s not rude not to reply to messages you receive. Especially as, unlike Tinder or Bumble, he hasn’t already shown his interest in you by swiping your profile.

Personally I’d also join Tinder or Bumble. This way to message someone they have already liked your profile and more likely to respond.

Please don’t over invest in a man you haven’t spoken too. I’m afraid you will need to develop a tougher skin for OLD and protect yourself.

Good luck.

I had the charming message of "How tight is your shithole ..... Mmmmm" tonight.

Instant block for that moron.

OP if he has paid the subscription he won't be able to reply. Unfortunately there's no way of knowing who has and hasn't

If he hasn't paid the subscription

@Azzizam Ha! He sounds like a keeper.

I reckon you need to click on more people. I mean you have nothing to lose and essentially its more practise. I met my stbxh old. I couldn't be more depressed about the idea of getting myself back out there. I watch that First Dates programme on channel 5. There are loads of women who are late 50s, 60s plus. They gave their life to their kids and now want fun. I realise that I want that now. Alongside my very young children. I'm already fat and riddled with varicose veins. Fk knows what I will look like by then. Friends who met their dhs at school think old sounds fun. It isn't. The only really fun part is meeting someone lovely because of old and then not having to old anymore.

As others have said, you need a thick skin for OLD
Nobody owes you anything, they're not obligated to reply to you. You're a total stranger to them.
When I was on OLD I was getting between 30-50 messages a day - no chance I had time to reply to everyone so I only replied to ones I wanted to.
The dating thread on here is great for advice

Nobody owes you anything, they're not obligated to reply to you.

No I know - it was just a feeling of being kind of embarrassed.

I will definitely look at the dating thread.

@why100000 honestly, you get used to it!
Just look at it as if someone doesn't take the time to reply to you, it's their loss and they're not worth your time/ effort/ energy.
There are some real time wasters on there but there are genuine guys too so it's all about filtering out the good from the bad (and the ugly!)
I always approached it from a "I'm just going to get to know people and see what happens" angle. No expectations. Just a few dates/ nights out/ make a new friend or 2. As it happens I met someone who made me want a relationship again, we've been together about 6 months now.
The dating thread was great for me when I first joined and I've made some great friends through it ☺️

Try Bumble and Tinder.

Treat OLD as a bit of a laugh, a chance to meet people you wouldn’t normally meet, and a chance to do something you wouldn’t normally do. If you meet someone nice then that’s a bonus. I joined Match at 46, met some fantastic men, some interesting men, and some I’d want to cross the street to avoid. That’s part of the fun. I went on 6 dates in 5 days at one point (which I wouldn’t recommend) but in general a coffee or a drink was a pleasant enough way to spend an hour. About 6 weeks in I met someone amazing (this was very lucky) and we’re still together 3 years on. In terms of advice I’d suggest the following:

Know your own worth and what you bring to the table. I wanted someone smart and solvent (not in a grabby way. I just didn’t want to get people who were looking for their next meal ticket)

Be clear about what you’re interested in. I like books and movies and in my profile I talk about my interests.

Be clear about what you want - friends and maybe more, as opposed to hook ups or the desperados who want to jump into full blown relationships straight away.

Be aware that you don’t know what’s going on in their lives. Nobody joins a dating site to only meet one person. They WILL have more than one iron in the fire and so should you. You’re in in a relationship until you’ve had the conversation. They are likely to be going on a number of dates and so should you. The person you messaged may have met the woman of his dreams last week and be scaling back on replies.

Don’t spent too long messaging. Fix a date pretty quickly. What sounds sassy and smart online can easily sound bitchy and petulant in real life, so weed those suckers out quickly.

Enjoy yourself. Don’t get over invested, and relax. It’s a perfectly normal healthy thing to do 😁

Please don't feel embarrassed at an un-replied-to message. I'm not currently on OLD, Ive dabbled in it on & off for years and my experience (on a number of sites, all paid) is of a resounding silence when I message guys I like the look of - 90% don't reply, the other 10% reply saying thanks but they've just met someone - and you see them online frequently for weeks thereafter. Go figure! I think my age (approaching 60) doesnt help, the OLD fraternity seem fixated on women 20 years younger.

Messages from guys, I can count on the fingers of one hand, and none of them came even close to a date.

So I find it really disheartening and probably won't bother again. But I know it's their loss Keep at it if you can bear to, there are some needles in the haystack apparently.

No I know - it was just a feeling of being kind of embarrassed.

Sorry, I was more making the point to posters saying it’s rude, I didn’t mean to aim it at you OP. I don’t think it’s a helpful attitude to get affronted and see non replies as rude as it’s a bit entitled and just causes more stress for no reason :)

You need a hugely thick skin to do OLD. People aren’t nice.

Think of the non-reply as if you had received a marketing email. Do you respond to every email exhorting you to buy ‘x’ product? No, you click on the links of those you are interested in. It’s not personal to you - you just weren’t that particular person’s type. Treat it like impersonal cold calling and it will affect your self-esteem much less. Good luck!

Thick skin AND a good sense of humour essential. The way I looked at it, I rejected hundreds of men so it wasn't surprising that a large number would reject me too. Logic, that's all there is to it