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Relationships

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Original poster

Could you go to a wedding knowing this?

94 replies

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:00

Best friend had a week break from her fiancé over Christmas as she wasn’t sure about marrying him this April. He stayed work friends.

During the week she told me she’d stayed most nights with a man down the road and slept with him. Fancied him for months etc, he is very into her. She said when the fiancé returned from the break, she was definitely ending it

Her fiancé is now back at the house and in her words ‘bending over backwards’ to stay with her. Taking her out for dinner, generally running round after her. She’s now undecided about marrying him and has asked him to move out for a month while she decides.

I said I thought she should be honest with him about having cheated if she does marry him as it’s not a great start to the relationship. She then became very paranoid I was going to tell him. I assured her I wouldn’t, it’s not my place.

I feel funny about it though and the other bridesmaid who knows about this (out of 6 of us) is refusing to go to the wedding if it goes ahead. I feel the same but also conflicted as she’s my friend and ultimately my job is to support her on her wedding day if that’s what she decides to do? But I also feel a bit sick that she’s done this and is now taking advantage of her fiancée good nature. It’s one thing to not want to marry someone but another to do this.

Would you go to the wedding?

OP posts:

greendale17 · 05/01/2019 21:07

I wouldn’t. And I couldn’t support a immoral friend like that.

oofadoofa · 05/01/2019 21:09

It’s a tough one. She doesn’t sound much like a keeper either way, how much of a mate is she?

Respectful nod to the moral stance, by the way.

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:09

greendale but what can I do really? It’s her decision and her fiancé. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:10

She’s not the sort of friend who is particularly genuine - very very competitive and always wants to show off. I’ve found that difficult and boring over the years and she’s become less of a friend because of that. But ultimately she is a long term friend.

OP posts:

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 05/01/2019 21:13

You could stand to lose an awful lot of friends if you support such a shame and it comes out - which it will.
She will claim you supported her in her deceit.

oofadoofa · 05/01/2019 21:13

May sound blunt but friendships come and go. It’s exhausting with competitive acquaintances.

LivininaBox · 05/01/2019 21:13

I wouldn't attend the wedding, she is putting you in the awkward position of having to be friends with her and the future husband for years while you carry this secret around .

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/01/2019 21:17

Brave of the other BM and you should follow her lead. Sounds like a big shebang with 6 of you!

It might not go ahead anyway if she’s kicking him out for another month so you don’t need to take a stand right now but I’d pull right back from her as she sounds like a total nightmare and you don’t need that drama in your life. Tell her you don’t want to know anything about her shagging around, refuse to discuss the stupid wedding which might not happen and wait to see what happens.

StarJazmin · 05/01/2019 21:18

Nope, wouldn’t be having any of that. I’m not one for weddings anyway, but these two are clearly not ready to get married in 4 months whether they decide to continue the relationship or not, I couldn’t support the marriage therefore it wouldn’t be right to attend the wedding.

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:20

I know things are often as complicated as you make them but in this context it isn’t as simplistic as just ending the friendship. I’ve known her for a long long time, our wider families are friends. I’ve said she should tell him the truth if they do stay together but aside from that what more can I do. And she didn’t like me saying that either. Agree I need to take a step back

OP posts:

Sicario · 05/01/2019 21:22

Nope. That's a grenade just waiting to go off and I wouldn't want to be anywhere near the shrapnel. Her bar seems pretty low on morality standards. Yours doesn't have to be.

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:23

Is mine low by keeping quiet? I obviously can’t tell him though I do feel terrible for him pulling out all the stops like he’s done something wrong and he hasn’t.

OP posts:

TooOldForThis67 · 05/01/2019 21:24

You could lose her as a friend over this. Would that bother you too much? Also, if you tell her that you think she should tell him, she might say she will but actually doesn't. What is between a couple is their business really.

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:26

I wouldn’t check up on her that’s she actually told him. I just said it as a suggestion. Because I felt awful just standing by after what she told me.

I wouldn’t want to lose her as a friend although there’s been times when she’s seem massively uninterested in my life so wouldn’t be much of a hole there

OP posts:

chumbal · 05/01/2019 21:27

Silence =collusion imo

It is her issue not yours

Her behaviour, not yours

You are free to go to the wedding or not either way you are not responsible for her behaviour she is the adult.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2019 21:30

Tell her fiance, then you will probably find that the "to go or not to go" quandry will be solved for you. The poor bugger deserves to know and make decisions in full possession of the facts.

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:31

That’s not something I think I should do. I don’t think it’s fair, she trusted me to tell me.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2019 21:32

I obviously can’t tell him

Why? It is not obvious at all to me why you can't. Obvious why you should though.

Frankly she is no friend to you if your descriptions of her are accurate, and if your family wants to know why you fell out I would suggest you tell them the truth too.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2019 21:32

Its not fair?! On who? She chose to do this, he didnt. If you dont tell him then that makes you as bad as her.

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:34

Because it’s not my secret it’s hers. I agree he deserves to know, definitely. I think it’s awful she hasn’t told him. But I do think it’s not right for me to get involved in their relationship like that.

OP posts:

winecigsandchoc · 05/01/2019 21:34

Did you want replies saying you should go? Because (so far) it's pretty unanimous!

winecigsandchoc · 05/01/2019 21:35

If you don't want to be involved in their relationship then you shouldn't be involved in their wedding!

Original poster

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:35

I didn’t know what the views would be tbh

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2019 21:36

You're already involved, she has involved you.

Whether you choose to do the right thing is up to you, but there is more to this than "Should I go to the wedding". If your partner was cheating on you and someone knew wouldnt you rather they told you? How would you feel finding out down the line that they knew, that they saw you jumping through hoops to keep your partner happy and didnt tell you, didnt save you that heartache?

Myimaginaryreindeerhasfleas · 05/01/2019 21:36

If she’s asked him to move out for a month chances are she is hoping the other man will step in. This could resolve itself.

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