Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Could you go to a wedding knowing this?

94 replies

Whattodo1010 · 05/01/2019 21:00

Best friend had a week break from her fiancé over Christmas as she wasn’t sure about marrying him this April. He stayed work friends.

During the week she told me she’d stayed most nights with a man down the road and slept with him. Fancied him for months etc, he is very into her. She said when the fiancé returned from the break, she was definitely ending it

Her fiancé is now back at the house and in her words ‘bending over backwards’ to stay with her. Taking her out for dinner, generally running round after her. She’s now undecided about marrying him and has asked him to move out for a month while she decides.

I said I thought she should be honest with him about having cheated if she does marry him as it’s not a great start to the relationship. She then became very paranoid I was going to tell him. I assured her I wouldn’t, it’s not my place.

I feel funny about it though and the other bridesmaid who knows about this (out of 6 of us) is refusing to go to the wedding if it goes ahead. I feel the same but also conflicted as she’s my friend and ultimately my job is to support her on her wedding day if that’s what she decides to do? But I also feel a bit sick that she’s done this and is now taking advantage of her fiancée good nature. It’s one thing to not want to marry someone but another to do this.

Would you go to the wedding?

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 05/01/2019 22:20

I don’t think it’s fair, she trusted me to tell me.

If this were the other way round, you knew that the groom was cheating, would you tell her? Some people don't deserve the loyalty of friends.
If a friend told you in confidence they had beaten their child would you feel obliged to keep that secret too?

mobyduck · 05/01/2019 22:20

Imagine they marry, split up after a couple of years and have children- and the husband finds out mutual "friends" knew of her behaviour before marriage and said nothing? He would be justified in being very, very, angry!

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 05/01/2019 22:24

I don’t understand. The wedding isn’t going ahead. Your job to assure her that if she isn’t 100% she doesn’t need to do it.
There’s loads of emotion , time and money involved in the wedding. Please help her see these don’t matter as much as being true to herself and fiancé.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 05/01/2019 22:26

ie.. don’t slag her off on here. Help her see that she she dirsn’t Have to marry anyone if she doesn’t want to

DexyMidnight · 05/01/2019 22:28

Feign illness / family drama / personal trauma etc etc and don't go. No good will come from you being honest with her and no good will come from condoning the (sham) wedding and bearing personal witness to it all. Just back out quietly.

BifsWif · 05/01/2019 22:29

This man will be in bits no doubt wondering what he did wrong and whether his wedding will go ahead.

I’d tell him and risk the friendship with her, she sounds awful.

misskiki69 · 05/01/2019 22:30

It sounds like your friend wanted a break so she could have sexy with this man, whilst keeping her options open to marry the other one. Now she wants another break from him? Undoubtedly this will be sop she can continue having thus affair, then decide which msn she would like to commit to.

How can you keep this secret? The poor man deserves to know what his Fiancée has been up to. Surely you'd want to know? I would tell her either she tells him the truth, or you will. This is the right thing to do.

I couldn't live with myself if I kept such a dirty secret. If she didn't want him to know, she shouldn't have told you. Her behaviour would put me right off her.

Mumtothelittlefella · 05/01/2019 22:36

I’ve been in your position and didn’t go to the wedding. I made it very clear why.

The friendship has never been the same since, even after they divorced two years later. We aren’t close and never will be now. I would still make the same choice if I had to do it again.

WrapAndRoll · 05/01/2019 22:43

Tell her you're not comfortable with being her bridesmaid.

mystar · 06/01/2019 00:21

She is your best friend. To me that means you always have their back. You tell her she’s doing wrong and you don’t agree with her actions but she is your best friend. Your loyalty is to your mate. Always.

She marries the guy it’s obviously gonna go wrong but you are there. And that means not being a told you so.

We all make our own mistakes. Being a friend is being there to pick up the pieces when it goes to shit.

Scott72 · 06/01/2019 00:56

"She is your best friend. To me that means you always have their back"

Even if this were correct, supporting her in this does not obligate OP to attend the marriage. She shouldn't attend the marriage, knowing it will be a painful farce.

mystar · 06/01/2019 01:13

I’m not saying it obligates anyone to attend a wedding but if it was my my best mate I would be there. Farce or no farce. It’s their decision. You support them regardless of whether you agree.

topcat2014 · 06/01/2019 08:07

I would hate to be the groom, when, inevitably, it falls apart after a few years - and he finds out that bridesmaids in his wedding photos knew..

MarieG10 · 06/01/2019 08:13

I agree with Topcat. What a mess. I wouldn't be part of it and also get dragged in later. She must be mad to get married anyway as he won't change once married and if she could jump into bed with another bloke so easily it won't last long

Weezol · 06/01/2019 08:28

I wouldn’t want to lose her as a friend although there’s been times when she’s seem massively uninterested in my life so wouldn’t be much of a hole there.

She treats her fiancé like crap. She's treating you like crap. Doesn't look much like a friend to me.

I would decline the wedding and let her deal with her own mess - by 'supporting' her you're complicit in that mess.

greendale17 · 06/01/2019 08:29

Is mine low by keeping quiet? I obviously can’t tell him though I do feel terrible for him pulling out all the stops like he’s done something wrong and he hasn’t.

^You can tell him. You chose not to.

Support the other bridesmaid in this and do the right thing.

motortroll · 06/01/2019 08:35

If you pull out of the wedding (along with other bridesmaid) that should be enough warning sign for the fiancé that something isn't right shouldn't it?? There are things you can do without actually telling him.

StarJazmin · 06/01/2019 08:42

You support them regardless of whether you agree.

I think we have different ideas of what support is here! If you don’t agree that it’s right she marry him, then you don’t support the marriage, and for many people if you don’t support the marriage you shouldn’t attend the wedding.

Supporting your friend when she makes (what you believe to be) a bad decision - well if that’s a shit haircut or going on the X factor, then fair enough, mates see you through when you make mistakes. But marrying someone she cheated on a few months prior and he doesn’t know? That’s messing with other people’s lives - not just emotional, but financial/legal as well. That’s a whole other level of ball game. For me, if this was my best best mate/sister, supporting her would mean being honest with her - telling her that I didn’t believe it was right she go through with the wedding when she is undecided so close to the date, cancel it, it’s putting undue pressure on whether she and her fiancé work on their relationship or not. If there’s 6 bridesmaids it sounds like a pretty expensive day, whose money is she wasting as well? You can still be a friend and support her as an individual without being the hypocrite holding the train of her dress whilst she does something you feel is so very wrong and hurting other people.

If she wasn’t my best best mate/sister I’d just bow out though, not worth the drama and stress in my own life.

DogDayMorning · 06/01/2019 09:05

Obviously plan not to go to the wedding, but be more active than that: tell her now that it is her responsibility to call the wedding off while she works on her relationship. So close to such a big, expensive, legally important event there should not be these fault lines, and pointing this out is what a supportive friend must do. If she refuses, cut her out. If he then asks you why, tell him.

Butterfly44 · 06/01/2019 09:15

There's 2 issues here - first her infidelity which is her problem. She's the one who is living her life and seems unsure where she is and whether she should go ahead. Maybe the wedding won't happen. Asking for another month of separation looks that way. Besides which it's on her shoulders to bear and sort out. Not your problem. Keep out unless she asks your opinion.
The second issue is your friendship and how you feel about this issue. She doesn't sound like she's a close friend, and not a great one at that. Yet you don't want to lose the friendship you have so just keep it at the distance it is. It's a long time until April so you don't have to decide if you are going or not right now as anything could happen up until the day itself!

Beaverhausen · 06/01/2019 09:21

Give her an ultimatum. She obviously does not love or respect the groom, just tell her she has a week to decide or you will have to tell him. If she marries him for the wrong reasons they will more than likely divorce in a few years.

pissedonatrain · 06/01/2019 09:27

If they were broken up, it wasn't cheating. She was free to do what she wanted.

There was a thread just like this where she moved out for a month and he proceeded to get on Tinder and shagged around with multiple women and not one person called it cheating.

thedevilinablackdress · 06/01/2019 09:28

In this scenario I'd be asking my friend lots of questions about whether or not she should even be thinking about going ahead with marriage.

StarJazmin · 06/01/2019 09:51

They clearly weren’t ‘broken up’ if they didn’t cancel the wedding. If she was a free agent then why is she worried about her fiancé finding out what she did. Taking a break/space from each other ≠ broken up (unless you’re Team Ross, no one wants to be Team Ross surely! Smile)

Original poster
Whattodo1010 · 06/01/2019 10:05

I’ve read all the replies. I’m not going to tell the groom but will leave it a while before deciding what to do about the wedding. I’m going to step back from the friendship now.

What unsettled me most was she said the groom would wait years for her, she had it easy with him cleaning and cooking for her...basically making a joke out of it. I’ve lost so much respect for her.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread