Could you go to a wedding knowing this?

[Whattodo1010]

Best friend had a week break from her fiancé over Christmas as she wasn’t sure about marrying him this April. He stayed work friends.

During the week she told me she’d stayed most nights with a man down the road and slept with him. Fancied him for months etc, he is very into her. She said when the fiancé returned from the break, she was definitely ending it

Her fiancé is now back at the house and in her words ‘bending over backwards’ to stay with her. Taking her out for dinner, generally running round after her. She’s now undecided about marrying him and has asked him to move out for a month while she decides.

I said I thought she should be honest with him about having cheated if she does marry him as it’s not a great start to the relationship. She then became very paranoid I was going to tell him. I assured her I wouldn’t, it’s not my place.

I feel funny about it though and the other bridesmaid who knows about this (out of 6 of us) is refusing to go to the wedding if it goes ahead. I feel the same but also conflicted as she’s my friend and ultimately my job is to support her on her wedding day if that’s what she decides to do? But I also feel a bit sick that she’s done this and is now taking advantage of her fiancée good nature. It’s one thing to not want to marry someone but another to do this.

Would you go to the wedding?

I wouldn't go to the wedding. I'd also step back from the friendship.

Just read your last post. She's basically taking him for a fool and with her attitude that he'd wait for her.. I'd actually find a way of telling him.

There was a guy in the military in the position of her fiance. She cheated...got pregnant...then had an abortion. Her friends were disgusted and told him.

He was so grateful to them.

How would you feel if this was your son, brother, cousin or nephew? I bet you wish someone with morals and values would tell him.

Even if I had to tell him anonymously... with enough detail to be irrefutable... I'd do that.

What a joke the wedding would be.

Sandy I know. It’s horrible to think about.

If they get married I think there’s very slim chance of it lasting. He shouldn’t be put through that. It’s even a joke he’s trying so hard now.

Poor man. Imagine if he finds out you knew all along but didn't tell him.

Would the other bridesmaid come with you to tell him? I think he deserves to know now, not when the wedding is imminent or afterwards.

What a toxic cow! I'd want to tell him.

Other bridesmaid won’t tell him. I also only know him via her. I get why people think he should know and I agree and have told my friend this. But I do believe that it’s not MY place to tell him. My loyalty to her can’t suddebtly move to someone else just because she has done something immoral. To me that is not a friendship, even if the friendship breaks down after this, that part is still hers to disclose.

She’s not the sort of friend who is particularly genuine - very very competitive and always wants to show off. I’ve found that difficult and boring over the years and she’s become less of a friend because of that.

Imagine if it was you getting married and your fiancé was fucking about. You would be grateful if you got too know the truth before you made the biggest mistake of your life.

I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I did nothing about her infidelity. Who wants a "friend" with such shitty morals? I would risk losing the friendship to ensure he knows about her dirty behaviour.

I can't believe you're talking about loyalty to someone who is happy to treat someone who loves her in this manner. Give your head a wobble. Find better friends.

I wouldn’t tell the groom. She’s your friend and your loyalty is to her.
I’d tell her to stop fucking about and make up here mind.
If she got married, I would go.
If she left her bloke then I’d support her.

I understand your loyalty but also your conflicted morals, but personally I would stay out of it. By all means advise her (gently) that she should think about calling it off, but there is no reason for you to tell the fiance nor for you to refuse to attend the wedding. Both will have consequences for you.

For me I'd have to cut her out of my life if she didn't break off the wedding. She obviously doesn't love him.

That poor man. His parents...his siblings...relatives probably travelling from all over the country to a joke of a wedding.

@BigMosquito

What consequences will not going to the wedding have for the OP?

Sandy I think the poster means that it will obviously raise questions and queries, which then will mean I have essentially caused an issue (for her) by not going. Which is in fact what I would be doing by not going.

I think I’m just shocked by it all tbh. I knew she could be quite self involved and never took much interest in other people compared with her own life, but this is something else, to do it to him.

SandyY2K the OP has summed up perfectly what I mean.

It would probably be much more productive for the OP to reassure the friend that she can still break this off at this stage, that it is probably wise to do so if she has feelings for another man, etc etc.

Then, if the friend still goes ahead with the wedding, the OP can go to it as planned and subsequently quietly disengage with the whole situation post-marriage. People rarely appreciate others offering unsolicited advice, especially in issues such as relationships, so for the OP to make a fuss over not going would probably cause more drama than it would be worth.

I'd be booking a holiday for the week she's getting married.

I second that @Ariela. In addition, I'd be ringing the poor fiancè telling him what he's about to let himself in for. A competitive, boastful friend, isn't a true friend. It's not about how long you've known a friend, but how well the friendship has been during the time.

it will obviously raise questions and queries, which then will mean I have essentially caused an issue (for her) by not going.

You haven’t caused the issue though OP - she has caused (or would be causing) the issue herself by expecting you to be complicit in her duping this man into marrying her under false pretences. Don’t make yourself shoulder responsibility for her mess. Another bridesmaid has already said they’re out. How do the other 4 feel, do they know as well? Perhaps you can get some ‘real life’ support on this issue by talking it through with them.

I really do not think you have to worry about the moral dilemma of whether you should go to the wedding or not as it really sounds like there will not be a wedding!

Take the cheating aside for one moment, your friend has asked her fiancee to move out while she decides. This is the time they should be finalising final dress fittings, paying last minute suppliers and organising table arrangements. Instead they can't even stay in the same house together?

I don't see this wedding going forward but if it does you have to decide what you want to do and you should not be influenced by the other person. As much as its wrong what she did, its her life, her mistakes and her marriage if her husband to be ever finds out. I can't say go or do not go thats up to you but considering the grand scheme of things if she wants to marry him and not tell him about the affair then she will whether you go or not.