Could you go to a wedding knowing this?

[Whattodo1010]

Best friend had a week break from her fiancé over Christmas as she wasn’t sure about marrying him this April. He stayed work friends.

During the week she told me she’d stayed most nights with a man down the road and slept with him. Fancied him for months etc, he is very into her. She said when the fiancé returned from the break, she was definitely ending it

Her fiancé is now back at the house and in her words ‘bending over backwards’ to stay with her. Taking her out for dinner, generally running round after her. She’s now undecided about marrying him and has asked him to move out for a month while she decides.

I said I thought she should be honest with him about having cheated if she does marry him as it’s not a great start to the relationship. She then became very paranoid I was going to tell him. I assured her I wouldn’t, it’s not my place.

I feel funny about it though and the other bridesmaid who knows about this (out of 6 of us) is refusing to go to the wedding if it goes ahead. I feel the same but also conflicted as she’s my friend and ultimately my job is to support her on her wedding day if that’s what she decides to do? But I also feel a bit sick that she’s done this and is now taking advantage of her fiancée good nature. It’s one thing to not want to marry someone but another to do this.

Would you go to the wedding?

If I was the fiancé, I'd want to know that she had slept with someone whilst 'we were on a break'. Whether or not he chooses to stay with her after he finds out, that's up to him. But he should at least be told.

As much as it would annoy me, I would mind my own business and stay out of it completely.
Purely because she is an adult and can do what she wants, if they're separated then realistically she didn't cheat? But she should definitely be honest about it.
I've seen friendships destroyed and many people turn their back on the person who told the other person about their partner cheating. The partner always stayed, never thanked the person who was looking out for them. So I'd just say "I think you should be honest about that time, otherwise it may eat away at your conscience. It's not my place to say anything and I can assure you that I won't but I don't think I can attend a wedding knowing what I know unless you tell your partner, I'm not the only one who feels like this".
In the end, it's her business.

Well, it sounds more interesting than most weddings.

If she’s asked him to move out for a month the wedding may never happen. What happens during that month may help with your dilemma whether to attend the wedding or your decision to tell him (or not)

How many people has she told? Surely, it will get around to him pretty soon.

Why did she tell you? The only reason is to ease her 'guilt'. Selfish.

I couldn't go to the wedding and would have to tell her why.
The end of the friendship, but who wants a flaky person like this for a friend anyway.

I wouldn’t be able to support this. His sexual health has been compromised.

I wouldn't go to wedding unless he knew about am sorry but you say she long term friend what sort of friend would make you keep a secret like that not good one. Friend or not I would have more respect in telling him as I see marriage is a big thing big commitment honesty loyal you go into that with no serects marriage isn't a joke. Your friend is disrespectful and dam right wrong in so many ways. People like her dont deserve a decent bloke hopefully karma will happen for her.

I would be very pissed off if I was a guest taking a day off work, buying something to wear, buying a present and probably paying for a hotel room and drinks to attend a wedding with disaster written all over it like this one.

Move out for a month so she can hook up with the neighbour and see where that goes I'd say. She is clearly going back for more.

How close are you to the her fiance?

As her friend and bridesmaid you could tell her honestly that her marrying this guy is a bad move as it just isn't going to end well for her or him. She's obviously not that into him so she really should cancel it. Would she listen to that?

Do you know what I have discovered - at a very high cost to myself.

A friend who is a cheat will eventually betray you - the friendship equivalent of ‘ cheating’ on you.
My ex BF of nearly 30 years was a serial cheat -and she eventually broke my heart when she betrayed me.
Four husbands she had and she cheated on them all. But I never thought she would do anything to me.

Four years after the event and I’m still reeling from it. I will never understand why or how she could do what she did.
When I thought back I realised she had ‘ cheated on every important relationship in her life - why would I be any different?

Do you really want to condone this ‘ friends’ behaviour?

I think you're being ridiculous. They were on a break. It's not your place. She is your friend, not him. Who are you to stand in moral judgement of something that is conflicting for her. You're taking your own moral highground very seriously.

Your friend was an idiot to tell anyone!

She says it's all over now, let it go. It won't help her fiance to know about a brief affair. Things happen, not always nice but they were having a break from each other and she wasn't sure what she wanted for a while. Now she does. Far better she got it out of her system before marriage.

I do wish she hadn't told you though, or the other friend.

If you like her and want to be a bridesmaid, go ahead.

Why were they on a break in the first place - why (outside of the other man) is she undecided

He has clearly changed if he is bending over backwards to be nice to her

What’s the friendship equivalent of cheating?

Agree with selkiesolstice really, I can't imagine any scenario that would make me snitch on my friends, I love them unconditionally and have their back no matter what fuck ups they might make, ain't none of us perfect.
My friends aren't competitive, difficult and boring though.

She sounds like she definitely shouldn't be getting married and I would however be making my opinion on that perfectly clear!

I agree really, the whole point of friendship is to be there when things go tits up (pardon the pun). If she raises anything with me again I think I will say it’s clealry the wrong thing to go ahead with this

I'm inclined to agree with selkie tbh.

Her actions thus far have been morally dubious, but if I was close enough to someone to be their bridesmaid I would put my loyalty to them first.

I feel like shes making a fool of him, everyone knowing that she has slept with someone else and hes just blindly excited the wedding. To me it's an extra stab on the fact that she cheated that she told people.

Personally no I wouldnt support it, I would leave tell her very clearly why and say I'm still here for you and I'm your friend but this is really unfair on your fiance. However I do know from previous mumsnet threads that others think that's an unfair stance and that we should support our friends regardless. I do understand why you are so conflicted. It happened to a friend when I was much younger and the friend was laughing at her ex bf for asking for her back and calling him pathetic after sleeping with another guy for months behind his back. I walked out.

I don't get how you go on in future though, do you go on double dates after the wedding with this guy, sharing a bottle of wine while you all know around the table and he doesn't?

No. I’d tell her why. I’d particularly dislike her having made me complicit. If her fiancé asked why - I’d tell him to ask her. She really doesn’t respect other people very much does she? life’s to short for pseudo friends like this!

They might have been on a break from living together, but they were still engaged. So yes, your friend is a cheater, and she's treating her fiance like crap.

I would tell him. Wouldn't you want to know if you were engaged to a man who was sneaking around behind your back, and then told friends he was trying to decide if he still wanted to marry you? Wouldn't you? SO you could decide for yourself if you wanted to be legally tied to such a low life?

Your friend is a low life. I would tell him and cut her off. You are judged by the company you keep, and she sounds vile.

Long term it would be better not to have a wedding to someone you can't manage to be faithful to than get a divorce going forward, although calling it off at short notice is of course going to be embarrassing and upsetting.

My loyalty to my friends goes quite a long way. But not as far as adultery (and that's what shagging other people is when you're engaged to marry someone).

I’d tell him. “Not my secret” is all very well until someone else is really being hurt by keeping it. How far would you go in keeping her secrets?

You don’t have to tell him, but you have every right to say that you can’t attend the wedding because you feel conflicted.

Perhaps two of you backing out will cause her to realise that what she’s doing is skanky and actually downright immoral.