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Original poster

what is going on with this man?

99 replies

IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:11

I have name changed for this.
I am 51, have been a single mum for a few years- having been in a very long term abusive relationship with the father of my kids. But at the beginning of November I started seeing a bloke I know through a mutual hobby.
He is 57, has never been married, no kids- has been out of a long term relationship for a year now.
He made it clear that he wasn't looking for anything serious- fine neither was I, I just wanted to see how i felt dating again.
After about 4 dates text messages started to get a bit raunchy.
(last time I dated no one had smart phones, so I can't quite remember what we did!).
It was fun, I enjoyed playing along- made me feel good and excited about what was to come;.all the usual stuff I suppose about what we would do if we slept together. What I would like him to do, all that stuff.
About a week after that we did the deed- it was literally nothing but a shag. I was fine with that, it suited me at the time- I put it down to lust etc etc.
Since then it has always been just a shag.
All the stuff we talked about, all the stuff he said he wanted us to do has not materialised, even if i've tried to gently steer things in that direction.
So was all that sexting just bollocks- window dressing?

I am not shy or inexperienced in that area and I have no idea what is going on as this has never happened to me before- even one night stands have made more effort than him. Why say you're going to do all this stuff that you have no intention of doing it?
He's clearly not keen on me initiating anything either.
I'm beginning to wonder if he hasn't copied an pasted it all from some website as it is so incongruous with how he actually is.
Basically I have become a FWB right?

Any thoughts as it's going my head in? Sad

OP posts:
ISdads · 04/01/2019 18:16

If he is shit in bed, get rid ... my personal opinion ....

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 18:17

Is it worth even thinking about? He's not what you wanted, you don't have to keep dating him.

takeanotherchillpill · 04/01/2019 18:27

Have you asked him?

Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:27

I keep hoping he is just shy.
This is my first time going out with someone for more years than i am prepared to confess. I really wanted it to be something special- or a least angst-free.
Just makes me feel a bit shit frankly. But the thought of having to throw myself back out there is equally scary.
I just can't work out what all the text speak was about in the first place.
Is that what men do now?

OP posts:
Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:28

No I haven't asked him- but I think I'm going to have to.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 04/01/2019 18:32

Make it light hearted. "So you texted a lot about giving me oral. Get your face down there, big boy!"

Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:35

yeah- he did too! it's like going to a restaurant because you like the sound of the menu and find that they only sell one thing!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 04/01/2019 18:38

Maybe he's been watching lots of porn but has never actually got further than the missionary position himself - he'd really like to do what he said, but is afraid he'll reveal his fumbling inadequacy as soon as he "gets his face down there"!

When I got together with current bf I was woefully inexperienced at 47 and I actually found it helped if he just said "Do you want to do x, y and z", stopped me dithering about feeling awkward.

Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:41

if we ever get to the bed stage again I will have to ask him what he wants and mention the other stuff. I have tried, he just says stuff about seeing what happens. Now I already know what will happen.
I'm just hoping it's not because he doesn't find me attractive ( low self esteem issues Sad)

OP posts:
Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:46

I feel bad saying this, but I desperately need feedback and there is absolutely no one I feel I can tell in real life.
Please don't shoot me down for being so naive.
In the sexting stage he was going on and on about the colour of my underwear- something I have never considered important- but hey ho, I'll play along. Once in bed he wasn't interested in it at all.
One of his texts he told me he was going to perform oral on me for an hour! An hour! I remember at the time thinking WTAF an hour?

Either he hasn't got a clue or he's had an ex very different to me.

I jokingly said I preferred a bit of variety, to which he replied that we would do oral in a variety of positions then. Oh dear.
This is why it really helps to write this out and bounce things of others. Things became clearer.
it was almost likes sexting by numbers now I come to think of it.

OP posts:
Bitchfromhell · 04/01/2019 18:48

Some people just like talking dirty. They see it as a separate thing to what they actually do.
They use it to titillate and excite themselves but then only actually do the vanilla.
Could this explain it?

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 18:48

If you're attractive enough to go to bed with, you're attractive enough to be given a good time! "Seeing what happens" is a total copout. There are plenty of men who would love what you're looking for, don't leave them out in the cold Smile.

MrsAndrewEldritch · 04/01/2019 18:49

Sorry for this turn of phrase: but all mouth no trousers.

Either he is inexperienced or cant be bothered or is very nervous. Issue is, raising sexual performance with a man is fraught with difficulty.

Given its only been a short dalliance it might be best to move on and see what else is out there.

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 18:49

Speaking as someone who is pretty clueless, he does sound a bit clueless.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 18:50

Maybe he likes the idea of variety but when it comes to the reality, he is lazy or just wants to get his end away and isn’t worried about your satisfaction in the heat of the moment.

Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:56

ravenmum that has actually made me cry a bit. I would so love someone to want me properly. Where the bloody hell do i find them?

He is actually full of insecurities so it wouldn't surprise me if sex was one too.
God, I was so hoping this would be worth pursuing.Sad
last time I was there, he was babysitting a friend's dog and I actually allowed it to be on the bed when we had sex. FFS.
he will make comments about me 'letting me in ' sorry of too graphic but I have to tell someone- then I think "well if you bothered with any foreplay at all you might find things easier"

OP posts:
GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 04/01/2019 18:58

Not sure why you’re bothering tbh.

Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:58

bitchfromhell that makes perfect sense- sadly

OP posts:
Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 18:59

I was bothering because i really wanted it to be more than nothing. I took a brave step suggesting we went out in the first place.

OP posts:
MrsAndrewEldritch · 04/01/2019 19:00

No foreplay at all?

Ditch him asap. This doesnt go anywhere you want to go in the long term.

Meet new people.

AnyFucker · 04/01/2019 19:02

Yep, all mouth no trousers

Shit in bed....move on. Stop making excuses for him.

Original poster
IDoNotGetIt · 04/01/2019 19:02

no nothing, kisses on the lips only, that's it, not even wandering handsSad. he doesn't seem to like me kissing or trying to touch him either.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 04/01/2019 19:03

He probably thinks that sex is something that you do with a phone. Give him a year or two and he won't be interested in any actual physical sex at all.

It is just a variant on the death grip issue that is robbing so many young men of their sex lives.

ravenmum · 04/01/2019 19:04

Just keep on looking! They're out there. Kiss some more frogs.
He seriously has zero clue if he can't even turn you on and doesn't realise that's the problem 😲
(Personally I'm a big fan of vaginal moisturiser, but only for added pleasure!)

MrsAndrewEldritch · 04/01/2019 19:05

Ok. Insecurities is the issue.

Its not you, its him.

The longer you invest the worse it will be. He isnt the man you thought and he isnt going to give you what you are looking for.