what is going on with this man?

[IDoNotGetIt]

I have name changed for this.
I am 51, have been a single mum for a few years- having been in a very long term abusive relationship with the father of my kids. But at the beginning of November I started seeing a bloke I know through a mutual hobby.
He is 57, has never been married, no kids- has been out of a long term relationship for a year now.
He made it clear that he wasn't looking for anything serious- fine neither was I, I just wanted to see how i felt dating again.
After about 4 dates text messages started to get a bit raunchy.
(last time I dated no one had smart phones, so I can't quite remember what we did!).
It was fun, I enjoyed playing along- made me feel good and excited about what was to come;.all the usual stuff I suppose about what we would do if we slept together. What I would like him to do, all that stuff.
About a week after that we did the deed- it was literally nothing but a shag. I was fine with that, it suited me at the time- I put it down to lust etc etc.
Since then it has always been just a shag.
All the stuff we talked about, all the stuff he said he wanted us to do has not materialised, even if i've tried to gently steer things in that direction.
So was all that sexting just bollocks- window dressing?

I am not shy or inexperienced in that area and I have no idea what is going on as this has never happened to me before- even one night stands have made more effort than him. Why say you're going to do all this stuff that you have no intention of doing it?
He's clearly not keen on me initiating anything either.
I'm beginning to wonder if he hasn't copied an pasted it all from some website as it is so incongruous with how he actually is.
Basically I have become a FWB right?

Any thoughts as it's going my head in?

Unobtainable, your post had me laughing from date one.

PolkaDoting and IDoNotGetIt, I'd tentatively go as far as saying that more mature men are better in bed than their younger counterparts.

Next date, i try to show him how to grind his hips while dtd and again he has no clue and seems baffled

Crying laughing

Me too, QueenOfTheCroneAge!

The sexting is purely masturbatory, he's got his phone in one hand and his dick in the other, it's fairly common.
BUT it seems this one is a hopeless cause. I'd sack him straight off. At his age, it's past the point of gentle suggestion, steering him in the right direction, outright spelling things out, handing him a sex guide, ect...he's always going to be crap. In keeping with the canine theme, you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Next!

I've just started seeing someone who is a lot younger - I'm late thirties - and we had the whole sexting thing, him saying he has no limits and talking about dominance etc. Then we have sex and although he's extremely attentive, he couldn't keep it up for the main event so we never completed the deal. It was actually all a lot more vanilla than expected after the texts.

God he's gorgeous though so I might have to give him the benefit of the doubt a few more times first. Luckily he doesn't have a dog but he does live with his mum - hoping she doesn't lick my arse!

To be fair these things can be mastubatory on both sides... it’s not just the blokes that are getting off on it But dies seem odd that in some cases there is such a wide gulf between imagination and reality.

I didn't mean to imply it's just the men, polka. Was just pointing out that sexting isn't really indicative of the real life event

I suspect that no woman has ever sat one of these men down and said “Look mate, I dont want to see you again because you’re actually rather shit in bed. Soz.”

I know I haven’t. I’ve used the folliwing excuses:

1. I’m getting back with my ex (cos he’s amazing in bed).

1. We live too far apart (but if you were great in bed I’d cross continents).

1. I want to be single for a while (& I have a vibrator which gives a much better performance than you).

OP, your arse licking dog made me laugh out loud. Good luck with finding a more suitably exciting man.

I don't think this one will work out sorry OP. Sex is a vital part of a relationship, especially at the lust stage, and if it's not good then imo if affects the relationship.

Ugh I dated one who was so keen to be a 'gentleman', we went on a few dates, good chemistry. One evening watched a movie and started to dtd, he literally just kissed, nudged me to get on top, he came and then went to sleep . Then lots of sexting before the next date, lots of promises, all very appealing.

Next night together was exactly the same as the first! Barely any foreplay, no oral by him and after his orgasm he fell asleep again In my foolishness I did see him a couple more times but nothing changed. Basically he was lazy in bed (and out I suspect...) and had never bothered to learn how to please a woman.

Next one was much better.

One of the TOP rules of dating is that actions speak louder than words. That expression could have been written for the dating scene, as it is so incredibly true!
My feeling is that if you get on well in other areas (having a laugh, good conversation, shared interests, etc) then I wouldn't necessarily bin him off quite yet.
However you sound in danger of 'settling', just because the alternative is a bit scary, and that is something you should never do.
My feeling is that given your past relationship, you probably need someone less complicated this time around. Problem is, they can be hard to find.
I would work on the sex thing (if worth it in other areas, as I said) and then ditch him if things get no better.
Good luck.

Have just read the whole thread (sorry, should have done that to begin with) and it doesn't sound like this is going anywhere!

Dieu OP is hilarious and obviously a fun and sexual person. She deserves far better than Useless Eustace in her life and bed. She needs a Terrific Trevor at least!

Thank you for the laughs this morning!
Unobtainable -yes, that's the one!

YellowStickRoad - yep he did the one top thing too.

In the sexting stage he was going on about 69's telling me in detail what to do, telling me that " I could gently lower myself down if I got tired" He actually used those words. It was the word gently that got me the most.
I wanted to ask him if he was afraid that I would crash down on his face and break his nose. Why would use the word gently at all? Then I wondered why I would get tired in that position? It's never happened to me before. It is quite funny in retrospect.
When he suggested the 69 I told him I hadn't done that one for years.( not a particular favourite) Clearly though he has never done it before once.
I am a 51 year old woman with 6 fucking kids.

At the time, infact before I started this thread I couldn't work it out. Sounded like an instruction manual .
He did get it from an instruction manual didn't he?

Dieu he's a 'nice' man. He is the opposite to my abusive ex, which is probably why I zoned in on him., He is also good looking. I was hoping that, beneath the shyness, once I got to know him, there would be mutual interests.
However, we don't really, he has huge attachment issues- packed off to boarding school, unavailable mother etc. Never been married, never had kids- but he has this bloody dog he babysits.
I also have attachment issues- i attach too much- he won't attach at all.
i have to sort my shit out.
This thread has really helped. Woke up this morning- checked my texts- nothing from him- my heart sank a little at the 'rejection'- its not about him- it's about being wanted. But this thread cheered me right back up again.

I am going to try and be much more friendly when out and about. Though will stop short of pinning some random man to wall.
I can't do dating sites, make sure I take up invites to go out to gigs, parties etc and cross my fingers and keep my eyes open.

Queen loving the names! yes I need a terrific Trevor.

I am also really hanging on to the notion that someone upthread put forward about my standards being raised as my self confidence develops. It's true. If I had felt much more confident I don't think I would have actually flirted with him in the first place. I would have trusted my instinct that he wasn't right for me.

Ah, can you really not see it? The sexting is all about him. It turns him on, so he writes the things he does. In bed, he goes straight for the main event, Because it's all about him. He just wishes to have sex. He do ant wish to make any effort.

He is simply a lazy selfish lover who is in it only for his own pleasure. It's not about you. Any of it. He is not making you promises on the texts, he is simply writing what turns him on. The same with sex. He is just doing what he wants.

It was never about you. He won't change.

Gently...gently lower yours..urgh! I guess that killed it dead now you think back.
You sound fab OP, I'm glad you can take something from this thread, just treat this episode as something you got a funny story or two out of. It's most definitely onwards and upwards.
I was just out of my 20s when I swore off online dating. Sure, they can have their uses and some people can vouch for them but I do think your new approach is the better one. Never having settled down is a massive red flag in itself as well.

Sorry OP, I know you're feeling disappointed with this bloke, but some of these comments are hilarious! Do you know the "My Dad Wrote a Porno" podcast by any chance? This guy would fit seamlessly into that; actually maybe he's been listening to it.

Let him down "gently", won't you, and you can give him a tip from me that if you have some music on you can't hear the dog whining.

This sounds so familiar! I was seeing a guy for about 6 months and like your guy, lots of creative writing - bestselling stuff! but when it came to DTD it was absolutely crap!

He never once snogged me, just a kiss on the lips. And that might sound stupid but my word honestly you don't appreciate something till it's not happening!
As for oral, absolutely never ever ever reciprocated.
I once drove 2 hours to see him, dressed in underwear, heels and a coat. He opened the door and was totally surprised at me standing there. I opened my coat, trying to be seductive and he just gave me a big cuddle and said it was nice to see me, and no there's no innuendo there! I was mortified and really hurt. He was extremely proud of the size of his appendage and upon splitting up I did point out that it's not the size but what you do with it that matters!
There were other issues in the relationship but one of the things that made me end it was to do with the sex. Could I live the rest of my life unfulfilled, even down to the snogging?!
I understand your trepidation at ending things and the fear of 'getting back out there' but honestly that's not the reason to stay in a relationship that makes you feel this way.

ravenmum no really, it’s fine. This is doing me the world of good! I have laughed out loud at what you just said!
He also barely ever asked about me. It was all about him, his past. He would endlessly go on about how his ex- who I know in passing - dumped him- more than once.
He has never once paid me a compliment. The most I got whilst eating my fried egg sandwich andutching my mackerel and double decker was that he felt relaxed with me.
I will probably get a “how’s it going?” Text at some point. I am planning my replies.
How dare he sleep with me and then cry off.

omg- my dad wrote a porno is hysterical!

Yeah OP the nudging you to get on top every time you have sex a sure sign of laziness I reckon 😂 I got fed up quickly. Also lack of reciprocation on oral is a major turn off. And the final straw is when they don't care if you orgasm or barely make any effort. Crap lover.

I recently had a similar experience to yours with a cat... in this case the man was an awesome lover who far outstripped the sexting and phone sex in practice, we really synced in bed despite the cat but in every other way - especially communication - we didn’t. I dumped him yesterday and am sad, but there’s really no need to settle