what is going on with this man?

[IDoNotGetIt]

I have name changed for this.
I am 51, have been a single mum for a few years- having been in a very long term abusive relationship with the father of my kids. But at the beginning of November I started seeing a bloke I know through a mutual hobby.
He is 57, has never been married, no kids- has been out of a long term relationship for a year now.
He made it clear that he wasn't looking for anything serious- fine neither was I, I just wanted to see how i felt dating again.
After about 4 dates text messages started to get a bit raunchy.
(last time I dated no one had smart phones, so I can't quite remember what we did!).
It was fun, I enjoyed playing along- made me feel good and excited about what was to come;.all the usual stuff I suppose about what we would do if we slept together. What I would like him to do, all that stuff.
About a week after that we did the deed- it was literally nothing but a shag. I was fine with that, it suited me at the time- I put it down to lust etc etc.
Since then it has always been just a shag.
All the stuff we talked about, all the stuff he said he wanted us to do has not materialised, even if i've tried to gently steer things in that direction.
So was all that sexting just bollocks- window dressing?

I am not shy or inexperienced in that area and I have no idea what is going on as this has never happened to me before- even one night stands have made more effort than him. Why say you're going to do all this stuff that you have no intention of doing it?
He's clearly not keen on me initiating anything either.
I'm beginning to wonder if he hasn't copied an pasted it all from some website as it is so incongruous with how he actually is.
Basically I have become a FWB right?

Any thoughts as it's going my head in?

AF i think the excuse making is just me trying to understand what's going on- needing to know that's it's not me.
It can't be met, in all the many, many sexual relationships I have never encountered this. This reminds me of my first ever shag with a boyfriend for whom I was also a first ever shag.

Thank you, this is making things much much easier for me.
I was pining and sad and felt shit.
Who lets a dog stay in the bed when they have sex?

He sounds like true porn hound. Faced with a sexual, warm blooded woman he freezes.

Pathetic. You cannot save him. Throw him back to PornHub and his right hand ...there is nothing here for you

He isn't shy he is just a knob. I've met his type before.

Staying with dog analogy...

You cannot teach an old dog new tricks if he is not interested. It's not you, it's him.

ravenmum I don't think he does understand. Unless his ex came everytime from PIV- highly unlikely. He made a comment about staying inside long enough to satisfy me- er no, that won't generally do it mate., Then he finished about a minute later.

I am sad about the hoping, sad that the anticipation of being wanted and having good sex has come to nothing. All the empty promises.
I am trying to be positive, even though it smarts.
I am trying to see it as a warming up exercise, dipping my toe back in the dating pool and I've had sex again after 11 years- so that's something, even if it was shite.

Ok, silly question- what is it about porn that means men fairytales at actual sex?

madcatlady what is his type? I would really appreciate an explanation because i've never met one before. I don't know what drives them. I need to make sure I avoid.

My ex did something similar. We even discussed how awful it would be to be with someone who didn't want sex.
Then the reality of it was he had issues with keeping it up and always has had.
I never felt like he found me attractive and I'd already had a similar thing with the ex husband having a low sex drive which made me feel very undesirable.

Ex bf was pretty awful in bed but at least the sex was very loving which made up for it - but watching himself hit himself in the head when he couldn't keep an erection was horrible. We had to have sex the minute he got hard and then he'd complain I was 'too dry' - I wonder why 🙄.

failures, not bloody fairytales!

Course, I also worry that men in my age group will generally have issues anyway, or low sex drives. Mine is high.

Good grief! - I wouldn't put up with that, and I'm in my 60s! all or nothing, mate! it sounds like he can't be arsed and is basically using you as a wanksock.

Maybe his ex, if not made of rubber, was also clueless, though clearly she wised up too.

Very disappointing for you, but you've only just started. The first bf I had after my long marriage was so sexy, but a bit hung up on size - not as bad as this bloke but disappointing. The second one would be right up your street

Don't be sad. You were incompatible, that's all.
You want different things. Tell him your menu analogy when you tell him though. He's been a bit of a tease and it won't hurt him to have it explained to him.
Then Next...

ravenmum lol

He also blows hot and cold. Does my fucking head in.
You've all helped so much give me some perspective.
I started this thread depleted and depressed, now I feel so much more confident.
I had forgotten the support women can give each other. And it REALLY helps knowing I am not the only one.
Thank you x

In many ways this is a GOOD thing.

You know what to do if you meet another one like him. Trust it gets easier to walk away from things that arent right for you. They wont even appeal anymore.

The type of man i would have tolerated when i felt bad about myself wouldnt even get the time of day from me now.

Strange that he’ll talk the talk but won’t walk the walk

It’s not you though, it’s him. Just think the more time spent wondering about him is time you could be spending on someone new.

Ive had this from relatively young men. They like to talk about their fantasies, but not to admit that they are fantasies and not reality. So when it comes down to it, you're expecting the lengthy oral, the dominance, the sex toys (or whatever...) and they are just very vanilla.

And they all talk about how they "love" giving pleasure. That it is their main aim and that they will go down on you for hours - yes, have heard that several times. Cos they just bloody love it so much...

Hmmm... I have literally never had a man that lives up to the expectations they set. Better to have someone who doesn't feel the need to point out how great they are and then to discover they are actually pretty wonderful.

I had no idea men did that. I suppose when i was at my most sexually adventurous, pre kids, there was no internet really, not that people could afford anyway. It was either face to face or the phone.
I don't remember anyone telling me what they were going to do or what I should wear. We just got on with it, face ti face.
Now it's all texting.
i also hate it that it bothers me when he hardly texts.
i feel like such a helpless creature waiting for scraps.
But I am going to pick myself up, dustmyelf down and get back out there, even though it terrifies me.
And I will never ever have sex with a dog in the bed again ( it licked my fucking backside. Well that's more than he did. Maybe they are a double act.)

And I will never ever have sex with a dog in the bed again ( it licked my fucking backside. Well that's more than he did. Maybe they are a double act.)

I had this with a casual ex once. He LOVED to text..talk about sex, make plans...the reality? He would basically just lie there! After a while I thought. .I'm doing all the work and not remotely satisfied!
Current dp, NEVER talks about sex. Bit shy about dirty talk. But when when it comes to action he's, erm, just fine. (understatement!)

'He promised me the moon and stars and all I got was a fucking Mars bar'. No idea where I heard that but it seems quite apt OP.

I got a fried egg sandwich for my troubles.

and 2 frozen mackerel!

OP I love you! I hope you shared the mackerel with the dog?

In the nicest possible way, you need to be more assertive about your needs. Don't just let him stick it in without preamble - I'm about your age and I'd be dryer than a cream cracker.