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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I call off the wedding?

107 replies

Clove86 · 04/01/2019 13:01

Im desperately looking for some advice/support.

Im due to get married this May, in an overseas wedding. As its overseas, the majority of our guests have already booked and paid for their holiday, which makes this decision even more difficult.

My fiancé is lying to me about money. Its happened twice before, and the previous time, I told him, if it happens again, I'll have to end it...and it has.

Basically, I am responsible for all of the monthly bills etc, as he is terribly irresponsible with money. We finally worked things out so that everything would be in my name, and he would pay me his share which is half of everything each month. It was working relatively well, until August last year, when we went on holiday (actually, to visit the venue of our wedding). He was due to be paid from his job whilst we were there. He was spending a lot on both of us whilst there, and I kept reminding him about the bills payment that would soon be due. Suddenly, he came out with this story that he unfortunately hadn't been paid as a huge chunk of his wages had been taken by the tax office, so, surprise surprise, he did not have enough to give me his share toward the bills. I was absolutely furious, but he just kept insisting it was not his fault and there was nothing he could do about it. I needed up having to cover his share until the following month when he finally paid me back in dribs and drabs. I suspected that he was lying, but he insisted it was true. I barely spoke to him for that entire month as was so angry, and told him he should have had savings in place for situations like this, and that it was unfair to put me in that situation. Once he finally paid me back, he insisted that it would never happen again.

Fast forward to December. My fiancé told me that he was getting paid half of his wages before Christmas, and half after, on the 28th December (which is the day he usually pays me). He seemed to be spending much more freely than usual over the Christmas period. I asked him a couple of times for reassurance that he would pay his share on the 28th, and he almost got annoyed at me for asking. Sure enough, on the 28th, there was no wages. He told me it must be a mistake, but there was nobody there in the office to contact, so he would have to wait until new year to sort it out. On the 2nd January, I insisted he call to see what was going on, as he seemed reluctant (which started my alarm bells ringing). He suspiciously instead on going outside to call. After a few more ridiculous lies about the person responsible for the wages being away from their desk etc, he later told me that day that the same thing had happened again, the tax office had taken the exact amount he was due to be paid, and there was nothing he could do about it.

I'm not an idiot, I just knew immediately he was lying. There is no proof of it, no letter, and frankly I do not believe a word of it. To make matters worse, he was supposed to be paying half towards the wedding hair and makeup today (I paid the first half months ago) and I've had to start the new year broke as I've had to cover his share yet again. I have held off from paying his share of the hair/makeup as I do not even know if I should waste my money paying towards a wedding that may not now happen! I have not spoken to him since as I really do not know what to say or do.

As I write this, I know how ridiculous it sounds and if I was reading this, I would say get rid of him! But aside from this issue, everything else has been good. In principle, I feel like I cant be with him any more, but I feel so trapped. How would I even go about cancelling a wedding abroad when everyone has already booked? Should I end the relationship or give him yet another chance? Im so hurt he has done this to me, and I feel completely and utterly disrespected. I don't even want to tell any of my close friends or family as I feel they would be annoyed after paying so much to come to our wedding.

Has anyone else been i this situation, or have any idea what I should do? Im devastated he's put me in this position :(

OP posts:
Haggisfish · 04/01/2019 13:04

Will wedding insurance cover the cost? Or, go on the wedding package with friends and family but minus the groom!! I’m crap with money and have got no better. The fact he’s lying about it so often won’t get better. I would not marry him.

HughLauriesStubble · 04/01/2019 13:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sirmione16 · 04/01/2019 13:08

Oh love :(

  1. Your family and friends will understand if you cancel the wedding because you've broke up, and your happiness is more important than monetary value to them, trust me. So don't let the fact they may lose a few bob deter you - they'll all turn around and say they'd rather you didn't enter a marriage for the wrong reasons.
  1. Go with your heart on whether you want to stay with him. Is the money a major show of character for you? Or is it a flaw you can forgive? Where do you draw the line as to how often he does this? Because it must be putting you under so much stress to have to know you may have to keep you both afloat.
  1. I don't know whether these apply yet or not but... Long term - children/mortgage etc will he be a reliable "candidate" for a life? Or will he continuously let you down? If you're with someone for life (especially marriage) it should be an equal and respectful arrangement practically, and right now it's not. Can you trust him to be there when you need him to be in the future? Because if he's like this with bills, god knows how he's going to be when you've children and other major life costs involved?
SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 13:08

Difficult one. You could insist his wages come into a joint account or your account from now onwards... and give him a monthly allowance .... but do you really want to spend the rest of your life like that.

Like he's a kid with no control.

I've never heard of split wages like this either. I don't believe it.

For me... I'd insist on his pay coming to me... or seriously look at cancelling the wedding.

Seeleyboo · 04/01/2019 13:08

Poor you OP. I've been through the same situation. Sadly I went ahead with the marriage and after 5 years we lost everything. He hasn't been paying his share and I couldn't manage and he lied to cover up his debts. In the end we had debt collectors calling and had our car repossessed and our business folded. The house was sold for thousands less than it was worth. Obviously we divorced and I was still blinded to the situation. He used my good name and credit without my knowledge and ran up further bills. I found out months later after debt collectors found me in my new home. I was floored. Police didn't seem to think fraud had taken place either. I can't say don't marry him. No one can. But be cautious. If he's like this now imagine in a few years time when you have children and a reduced income.

Oddsocksandmeatballs · 04/01/2019 13:09

He is going to continue to do this, walk away now before this sorry episode becomes the rest of your life.

Rarfy · 04/01/2019 13:16

I would need to know where the money was going before i made a decision i think.

If he works set hours i would assume he is being paid the same amount every month and at roughly the same time. If for some reason half of that money is dissapearing i would want to know why. My first thought here is gambling.

mostlydrinkstea · 04/01/2019 13:25

When I used to marriage prep for a church a decade ago we used to say that the biggest cause of marriage breakdown was finance. This might have changed but going into a marriage with someone lying about money is a huge red flag. As someone else has said you need to know what he is spending the money on. It could be gambling. It could be that he has a shopping addiction. You don't know until you ask and if it is an addiction is will most probably lie about it anyway.

At the very least you should think about postponing the wedding.

Clove86 · 04/01/2019 13:25

Its not even so much the money situation that I'm upset/angry about, as everyone has ups and downs. But for me the issue here is dishonesty! If he'd come to me and said, 'I've overspent at Christmas, how can we sort this', I would have been OK. Its the fact he thinks I'm stupid enough to tell these lies to, and even now won't admit he's wrong, and is playing the victim. To me that behaviour is disturbing.

OP posts:
Willow1980 · 04/01/2019 13:31

My situation is exactly the same as yours and I’ve ended my engagement because of it. It’s the lies and dishonesty I couldn’t stand. The irresponsible attitude towards money was grinding me down. Walk away now before you marry and end up in a lot of debt.

Rosequartz7 · 04/01/2019 13:32

What a tough position he has put you in- again.
I would consider:
He's lied before and is lying again, do you want to marry someone you can't trust?

He's done it before and gotten away with it (as in you forgave/bailed him out). You gave him one more chance, in my own experience I learned the hard way that if you keep giving chances, people keep doing what they're doing, so if you forgive him this time and marry him, expect him to do the same again in the future Sad .

If you're married, I'm not 100% sure but I think he would have more claim over your assets, therefore more likely to put them at risk.
Could you not just go on holiday with the friends and family that have already booked, thus not losing the money already paid? Like a 'freedom' holiday.

You don't deserve to be treated like this, no one does. You're not trapped. You do have a choice Flowers

MikeUniformMike · 04/01/2019 13:34

Call off the wedding. You don't trust him and he's not trustworthy.

Bitchfromhell · 04/01/2019 13:38

Your family and real friends will understand. Anyway, it's not your fault, it's his! Make him explain to your guests why you can't trust him financially. Send an email being very clear to your guests ASAP.
Definitely don't marry this man. Don't saddle yourself with someone that lies to you, manipulates you and takes advantage of you financially.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/01/2019 13:39

Please listen to your gut here and call off the wedding. Anyone who cares about you will understand anyway.
A man who would lie and deceive the woman he loves and is building a life with is not worth tying yourself to forever.
As you say, it’s not actually the money. It’s the lies. The deception. You cannot trust or believe anything he says or does.

theclockticksslowly · 04/01/2019 13:43

I’d like to think your family and friends would not want you to go through with the wedding given the major red flags you’ve described and your doubts over it. You can’t go through with it because you’re worried about disappointing them as they’ve booked and paid. You need to listen to your gut and get out of this situation before you’re tied in even more.

I think I would however call and speak to each of your friends and family personally to tell them the wedding is off - you don’t have to go into all the details but just say you have major concerns about honesty. (Or if you have a trusted friend/family member who could help you do this).

If no refunds/changes are allowed, maybe use the trip with your friends/family to celebrate the start of a new chapter in your life.

hellsbellsmelons · 04/01/2019 13:43

You gave him an ultimatum with consequences.
He's broken them twice and you still haven't acted.
That is why he keeps doing it.
You keep enabling it.
Time to stop mummying this financial drain.
He will never be good with money.
Imagine this scenario with kids???
You know what to do.
You could still go on the holiday.
Have the reception with your family and friends.
Just not the wedding bit.

Expatworkingmum · 04/01/2019 13:48

I would send a letter (or email) to your attendees telling them you’ve decided to cancel the wedding but inviting those who cannot refund their trips, to join you for a group holiday at the (would-have-been) wedding location instead.

DadJoke · 04/01/2019 13:50

Don't base your choices now on the wedding. Put it to one side. Do you want to live the rest of your life with this man? If the answer is no, then end it, and worry about the wedding later.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 04/01/2019 13:55

Oh god Op, imagine going through the rest of your married life like this. Every month worrying is he going to cover his half of the bills - for EVER. Do you really want to live like this? For me it would be the lying AND the financial irresponsibility that would be the killer. He is treating you like a parent who will ensure he has a nice warm roof over his head without him having to worry about any of that and like a teenager he can just spend his money as mummy will take care of the house and bills.

Tell one friend or family member - choose one that is practical as well as sympathetic and ask for their help in cancelling the wedding. Explain and apologise to your guests, some of them may be able to alter or cancel their travel arrangements (hopefully they have travel insurance) and the sooner you let them know the better their options will be. Consider going to the honeymoon destination as a holiday with all/some of the guests, although if you took out travel insurance you may be able to cancel and get most of your money back.

Like a lot of wise mumsnetters always point out on these threads, cancelling a wedding is easier and cheaper than divorce.

another20 · 04/01/2019 13:58

Just cut and pasted my response on another similar thread.....

“Sunk Costs Fallacy” - just suck up the lost cost’s to date ( I am sure you can negotiate these also ).....this is just the tip of the iceberg - need to minimise the costs by cancelling ASAP.

There are loads more “costs” if you don’t cancel now - financial , legal and emotional.

Don’t let your family and friends waste their own hard earned money on travel, clothes, gifts, accommodation and a “fake” wedding - they will feel cheated if you divorce in the next few years.

Need to take the first step - who are you going to tell - today?

He is not in a partnership with you now, he does not hear you, he does not prioritise you. He is a compulsive liar - there is no trust or respect......so no relationship.

lilybetsy · 04/01/2019 14:01

100% call off the wedding. This is not a man you can rely on. Right now you are earning and are equal. How on earth could you trust him with the finances of a family ?

He a liar, irresponsible, has no respect for you or the 'promises' he makes. he is NOT husband material ( at the moment)

I wouldn't care one jot if a friend cancelled a destination wedding. Id just be bloody glad she had got out whilst she still could. No one does such a thing on a whim. Please please do NOT mart this man.

If you love him. stay with him but o NOT marry him for at least 5 years .... and if he cant sort himself out just go

ValMc1 · 04/01/2019 14:11

Be very careful - I ignored my reservations and married a man like this - ended up costing me a fortune 8 years later.

Boxerbinky · 04/01/2019 14:16

Oh hun.. I've been here and I feel for you. In my situation the ex lied in exactly the same way about money. It was never his fault - always let down by someone or something. Left me to cover his share more times than I care to admit too. In the end it turned out he'd ran up debt in my name with pay day loans etc that I didn't know about until it was too late and a number had defaulted. All I can advise is that he never changed and I'm really glad I didn't marry him! Turns out money wasn't the only thing he was happy to lie about. I think you have some serious thinking to do, if the wedding wasn't booked would you give him another chance? If not I think you have your answer xxx

MMmomDD · 04/01/2019 14:18

I don’t know Op.
I think the issue is that you have a vastly different approach to finances and you want him to be like you.
But he can’t be.

I’d say this. If on all other levels you two are compatible and there are feelings - i’d tey another approach.

I’d suggest that instead of hoping that he magically changes - you find a way to work with how you two are.

I’d tell him - that you need a degree of transparency and confidence in your financial stability.
So - open up a joint account. Let all the money arrive in one pot.
Set up joint cards, so that the spending is also transparent.
Agree and set limits on the spending that is ‘personal’ rather than ‘joint expenses’.

If he agrees to that - it may give you security and control you seek. And he may be able to overcome his impulsivity with money.

I think it’s natural to feel cold feet before the wedding. Many people do. If this is it - cold feet - than you can get through it.
But if you think you are making a mistake, then, of course - cancel it.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2019 14:20

I wouldn’t marry this ManChild, you shouldn’t go ahead now OP cancel the Wedding.

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