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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I call off the wedding?

107 replies

Clove86 · 04/01/2019 13:01

Im desperately looking for some advice/support.

Im due to get married this May, in an overseas wedding. As its overseas, the majority of our guests have already booked and paid for their holiday, which makes this decision even more difficult.

My fiancé is lying to me about money. Its happened twice before, and the previous time, I told him, if it happens again, I'll have to end it...and it has.

Basically, I am responsible for all of the monthly bills etc, as he is terribly irresponsible with money. We finally worked things out so that everything would be in my name, and he would pay me his share which is half of everything each month. It was working relatively well, until August last year, when we went on holiday (actually, to visit the venue of our wedding). He was due to be paid from his job whilst we were there. He was spending a lot on both of us whilst there, and I kept reminding him about the bills payment that would soon be due. Suddenly, he came out with this story that he unfortunately hadn't been paid as a huge chunk of his wages had been taken by the tax office, so, surprise surprise, he did not have enough to give me his share toward the bills. I was absolutely furious, but he just kept insisting it was not his fault and there was nothing he could do about it. I needed up having to cover his share until the following month when he finally paid me back in dribs and drabs. I suspected that he was lying, but he insisted it was true. I barely spoke to him for that entire month as was so angry, and told him he should have had savings in place for situations like this, and that it was unfair to put me in that situation. Once he finally paid me back, he insisted that it would never happen again.

Fast forward to December. My fiancé told me that he was getting paid half of his wages before Christmas, and half after, on the 28th December (which is the day he usually pays me). He seemed to be spending much more freely than usual over the Christmas period. I asked him a couple of times for reassurance that he would pay his share on the 28th, and he almost got annoyed at me for asking. Sure enough, on the 28th, there was no wages. He told me it must be a mistake, but there was nobody there in the office to contact, so he would have to wait until new year to sort it out. On the 2nd January, I insisted he call to see what was going on, as he seemed reluctant (which started my alarm bells ringing). He suspiciously instead on going outside to call. After a few more ridiculous lies about the person responsible for the wages being away from their desk etc, he later told me that day that the same thing had happened again, the tax office had taken the exact amount he was due to be paid, and there was nothing he could do about it.

I'm not an idiot, I just knew immediately he was lying. There is no proof of it, no letter, and frankly I do not believe a word of it. To make matters worse, he was supposed to be paying half towards the wedding hair and makeup today (I paid the first half months ago) and I've had to start the new year broke as I've had to cover his share yet again. I have held off from paying his share of the hair/makeup as I do not even know if I should waste my money paying towards a wedding that may not now happen! I have not spoken to him since as I really do not know what to say or do.

As I write this, I know how ridiculous it sounds and if I was reading this, I would say get rid of him! But aside from this issue, everything else has been good. In principle, I feel like I cant be with him any more, but I feel so trapped. How would I even go about cancelling a wedding abroad when everyone has already booked? Should I end the relationship or give him yet another chance? Im so hurt he has done this to me, and I feel completely and utterly disrespected. I don't even want to tell any of my close friends or family as I feel they would be annoyed after paying so much to come to our wedding.

Has anyone else been i this situation, or have any idea what I should do? Im devastated he's put me in this position :(

OP posts:
Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/01/2019 14:34

Fgs please dont add kids to this nor tie yourself to him financially with a new house, he is a liability, please end it and save yourself being on the breadline whilst working your ass off and supporting this loser. He is taking you for an utter mug, sorry op Flowers

Wer2Next · 05/01/2019 15:56

Dont partake in his frivolities if you know he cant pay for bills a week later.

Also with what money were you going to buy your dream home with? He has no savings.

Blibbyblobby · 05/01/2019 16:53

However embarrassing/expensive calling off the wedding is, untangling everything once you are married is going to be far worse. Don't do it.

My DH has good insight into self-destructive behaviour. He says the first person you lie to to is yourself. After that lying to everyone else is easy. In DH case it was alcohol, but I think the same applies to the OP's DP. He won't be able to stop lying until he's faced and dealt with why he overspends.

I think even if he agrees to a set of "house rule" to control his spending , if he wants to spend he'll always find a reason why the rules don't apply to this specific purchase or that specific event.

crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 17:15

It sounds like a compulsive spending addiction and you won’t change it, or
Him. However, as you say, the much bigger problem is the lying. It’s so insulting and sad.

Perhaps if he admits it and discusses it you can move forward and find a solution together, otherwise you need to call it all off.

Isleepinahedgefund · 05/01/2019 20:31

The way I see it is that you told him the relationship would be over if he did it again, he did it again - he's wanting out but not brave enough to do it himself.

Do not tie yourself to this man. You will not get your fairytale life.

His lie is so stupidly transparent I wonder what else is going on, but I guarantee it's nothing you want to tie yourself to financially.

Littlehelper101 · 05/01/2019 20:37

! End now

Trust me cancelling my wedding was the best thing I’ve ever done.

I had 8 months before my wedding abroad everyone understood. If you’re even having doubts do not go ahead!

Sending love xxx

sparklepops123 · 05/01/2019 20:43

You can’t trust him, don’t marry him.
It’s easy to get married but it’s not that easy to get divorced

PearsandWine · 05/01/2019 20:44

Definitely don't marry this man or have children with him. You will never be able to rely on him and will never have security with him (which really should be a base building block of any relationship).

Quite apart from the money, I think the lying puts him beyond the pale. Do yourself a favour and bin him.

waterrat · 05/01/2019 20:52

Op please don't go ahead with the wedding because of the guests. You can't make a life changing decision on that basis.

If I was a guest I would be horrified to think a bride was only going through with it because of me!

waterrat · 05/01/2019 20:53

Try to separate your relationship out from the wedding. You need to call off the wedding so you can calmly see if your relationship can be mended

marthastew · 05/01/2019 21:02

He doesn't care if he puts you in debt. I'm sorry op but he is selfish and a probably a liar too.

If I were you, I'd be looking for someone who was honest with me and who considered things like living within their means and treating a partner with care and respect as the right way to behave.

ittooshallpass · 05/01/2019 21:29

Call it off.

You know it's over.

The things you talk about, the big wedding, new house, and children; you won't enjoy any of it because you'll be constantly looking over your shoulder wondering how it's all going to be paid for.

I know it's hard to let go of your dreams, but you'll look back on this in years to come and thank your lucky stars you didn't go ahead.

merville · 05/01/2019 21:37

He is going to continue to do this, walk away now before this sorry episode becomes the rest of your life.

This.

Recover what you can money-wise or turn it into a holiday. The sooner you tell people, the sooner they can work on their options.

frazzledasarock · 05/01/2019 22:00

However embarrassing and sad you feel cancelling a wedding would be. A divorce will be a million times worse and far far more expensive and traumatic especially if you throw in kids and joint debts.

After marriage his debts will be deducted from your joint marital assets.

Do not be so stupid as to set up joint anything with this man that’s just purposely sinking yourself into debt.

Right now you can’t afford household bills, but you think you can buy a house together and you think you can take a pay hit and go on maternity leave with this man being financially responsible for putting roof over yours and future child’s head?

Seriously?

Run run as fast and far from this man as you possibly can.

altiara · 05/01/2019 22:07

In your opening post, you say you gave him an ultimatum if he lied again - you’d end it.
So yes I think you should end it and cancel the wedding. If you don’t, then he doesn’t ever have to listen to you again as your words mean nothing.

To ease the pain and embarrassment, imagine yourself in a few years time...joint account (gives him access to your money as well), him opening credit cards in your name, you not being able to afford to go on maternity leave or save up for a new house, you not able to just leave him just like that as you’ve now got debt in your name/joint debt that he’s created.
As a pp said, marriage is a contract! But what’s he bringing to it? Nothing but lies and risk.
Flowers

anyideasonthis · 05/01/2019 22:17

No way can you marry him. This is awful and will only get worse. You'll need to be saving for retirement, for childrens' university fees, for their savings. In short, if he can't cut spending and increase saving now, what hope do you have for when you are nearing retirement and for your children? You'll be on the streets! Run.

anyideasonthis · 05/01/2019 22:18

Also most wedding guests will just enjoy the holiday anyway, without the need for buying a gift!

ivykaty44 · 05/01/2019 22:57

You can’t go through with a marriage just because....

takemewithyou · 13/01/2019 22:35

How's things?

ChristmasUsername · 13/01/2019 23:08

I would cancel it. This type of person will suck you dry and sit you out. Take it from me, I have had bailiffs trying to take away things from my ex due to his debts. Due to his poor judgment on spending I am in debt, he has borrowed of friends and has a good job, he can afford to meet his bill requirements but he'd prefer to spend his money on holidays or hobbies. His child maintenance gets taken directly from his wages due to him not paying, he has huge debts on his utilities. It started out similar as you have described and spiralled, he broke his phone and cried 'bad credit rating' please would I take a contract out and he'd pay me - paid two months of it! When I go to feed his exotic pets when he's on holiday there's red letters everywhere, he lives in a fantasy world, offered me £1000 for my daughters Christmas presents but actually gave me £100 and then asked for some back! Luckily I don't believe a word so never ordered anything extravagant for her! Please get out now or be prepared to carry him financially for the foreseeable future.

BumbleBeee69 · 13/01/2019 23:11

Cancel. Flowers

Bluesmartiesarebest · 13/01/2019 23:41

Someone I know married a man like this. She knew he was terrible with money but went ahead with the wedding and had children with him. His debts became uncontrollable and they ended up having their house repossessed, going bankrupt and divorcing. Her credit rating is still bad several years further on. Nobody would have minded if she had cancelled the wedding because, to be honest, we all wondered what she saw in him and didn’t trust him. Don’t be like my friend, cancel the wedding now - save yourself from financial ruin and the heartbreak of a partner you can’t trust.

Lbwestf123 · 13/01/2019 23:46

Do you think maybe he’s spending his money on gambling or drugs?

I suspect from experience 🙈

ILoveChristmasLights · 13/01/2019 23:52

💐 I’m sorry.

But you know what you have to do.

You don’t want to live your life like this!

Tell your friends and family the truth. Don’t minimise and don’t use some generic ‘we grew apart’ type crap. They deserve your honesty. Those that love you won’t mind and the rest don’t matter.

If I was your family or friend I’d be FURIOUS if you went ahead with the marriage out of any kind of duty to people you invited.

You go about cancelling it the same way you went about booking it. Be honest with them all too and you might get your deposits back too. Lots of people are incredibly kind and they still have time to resell the venue etc.

Be strong. You can do this. Obviously it’ll be hard and it hurts, a lot. But you have your whole life ahead of you to meet someone who won’t shaft you like this. Time and time again.

anappleadaykeeps · 14/01/2019 00:04

It seems really strange if one-off deductions for tax, amounting to half his salary for that month have happened in both August and December.

It may be a "Attachment to Earnings Order" though - if he has debt he hasn't paid, and it has gone to Court (Small Claims Court or similar).

Either way, I'd definitely want to know about it before marrying him.

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