Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I call off the wedding?

107 replies

Clove86 · 04/01/2019 13:01

Im desperately looking for some advice/support.

Im due to get married this May, in an overseas wedding. As its overseas, the majority of our guests have already booked and paid for their holiday, which makes this decision even more difficult.

My fiancé is lying to me about money. Its happened twice before, and the previous time, I told him, if it happens again, I'll have to end it...and it has.

Basically, I am responsible for all of the monthly bills etc, as he is terribly irresponsible with money. We finally worked things out so that everything would be in my name, and he would pay me his share which is half of everything each month. It was working relatively well, until August last year, when we went on holiday (actually, to visit the venue of our wedding). He was due to be paid from his job whilst we were there. He was spending a lot on both of us whilst there, and I kept reminding him about the bills payment that would soon be due. Suddenly, he came out with this story that he unfortunately hadn't been paid as a huge chunk of his wages had been taken by the tax office, so, surprise surprise, he did not have enough to give me his share toward the bills. I was absolutely furious, but he just kept insisting it was not his fault and there was nothing he could do about it. I needed up having to cover his share until the following month when he finally paid me back in dribs and drabs. I suspected that he was lying, but he insisted it was true. I barely spoke to him for that entire month as was so angry, and told him he should have had savings in place for situations like this, and that it was unfair to put me in that situation. Once he finally paid me back, he insisted that it would never happen again.

Fast forward to December. My fiancé told me that he was getting paid half of his wages before Christmas, and half after, on the 28th December (which is the day he usually pays me). He seemed to be spending much more freely than usual over the Christmas period. I asked him a couple of times for reassurance that he would pay his share on the 28th, and he almost got annoyed at me for asking. Sure enough, on the 28th, there was no wages. He told me it must be a mistake, but there was nobody there in the office to contact, so he would have to wait until new year to sort it out. On the 2nd January, I insisted he call to see what was going on, as he seemed reluctant (which started my alarm bells ringing). He suspiciously instead on going outside to call. After a few more ridiculous lies about the person responsible for the wages being away from their desk etc, he later told me that day that the same thing had happened again, the tax office had taken the exact amount he was due to be paid, and there was nothing he could do about it.

I'm not an idiot, I just knew immediately he was lying. There is no proof of it, no letter, and frankly I do not believe a word of it. To make matters worse, he was supposed to be paying half towards the wedding hair and makeup today (I paid the first half months ago) and I've had to start the new year broke as I've had to cover his share yet again. I have held off from paying his share of the hair/makeup as I do not even know if I should waste my money paying towards a wedding that may not now happen! I have not spoken to him since as I really do not know what to say or do.

As I write this, I know how ridiculous it sounds and if I was reading this, I would say get rid of him! But aside from this issue, everything else has been good. In principle, I feel like I cant be with him any more, but I feel so trapped. How would I even go about cancelling a wedding abroad when everyone has already booked? Should I end the relationship or give him yet another chance? Im so hurt he has done this to me, and I feel completely and utterly disrespected. I don't even want to tell any of my close friends or family as I feel they would be annoyed after paying so much to come to our wedding.

Has anyone else been i this situation, or have any idea what I should do? Im devastated he's put me in this position :(

OP posts:
PirateWeasel · 05/01/2019 10:11

I'd be wondering what he'd overspent on that means he can't pay you for bills. Have you asked him? Could he be covering up a gambling habit, or massive debts you don't know about, or something more sinister?

Tractortod · 05/01/2019 10:11

Cancel the wedding. Everyone's booked and paid so see it as a holiday with your nearest and dearest.

He's lying and you gave an ultimatum- he didn't respect you enough to believe you meant it. If you marry him now this will only get worse. He knows you'll bail him out!

bethy15 · 05/01/2019 10:14

as I feel they would be annoyed after paying so much to come to our wedding.

Maybe just have a wedding here in the first place, honestly you can't afford it and it's so unfair on your guests too.
If he has no savings at all, he can't afford a destination wedding, it's all for show.

But back to him, does he really have a job? Is he on benefits or something. He's lying to you, but to what degree? The tax thing is obviously untrue. Is he really working at all? If he is where is the money going?

bethy15 · 05/01/2019 10:16

Don’t marry him unless he has some kind of redeeming feature that makes up for the fact that he will end up bankrupt.

What would that be then?

I mean a nice smile is great, but when you're living on the streets, it doesn't put a roof over your head.

Kelsoooo · 05/01/2019 10:20

Do NOT do what a Pp suggested with joint banks and cards.

You need to disentangle finances, not give him access to your money

CrispbuttyNo1 · 05/01/2019 10:21

.” There is no proof of it, no letter, and frankly I do not believe a word of it.”

There’s proof - his bank statement. Demand to see it, then you will see what he is squandering all his money on.

Oh, and don’t marry him.

drawn · 05/01/2019 10:28

Have you talked to your family about the situation?

Any parent wouldn't want their daughter to be marrying into such trouble. The trust isn't there is it? If he lies about money what else does he lie about ?

Marrying him is creating a legal bond. His affairs will affect you one day probably on a much bigger scale. Do you seriously want a life time of worry over money and trust? If you go ahead you will look back in a few years with deep regret or you could break it off and in a few years and say phew that was a close call.

In my experience people like your DF do not change. Especially when they have someone like yourself holding their hand all the time. I know you are trying to help keep both your heads afloat but he needs to learn to do that himself.

HollowTalk · 05/01/2019 10:35

It sounds as though he enjoys being flash with cash he doesn't have, and disregards bills, knowing you will rescue him. Then he lies and lies and lies to you - he must think you're a fool, quite honestly. The thing is that you're not and you don't believe him, but getting the truth out of this man is impossible.

Ask to see his online banking. If his pay was halved then that will show there. (Just warning you, if he'd had a loan from work and they'd deducted the money that month, that might skew things. Ask to see his pay slip, too.)

SeaGreenSeaGlass · 05/01/2019 10:44

There's no sense in becoming legally responsible for his finances.

It doesn't seem like he respects you.

The wedding is a side issue. You could reframe it as a group holiday. Fundamentally though if people have committed to attending then they either (1) really care about you or (2) really fancy a holiday in that location. Whether or not you all attend is each person's choice. I'd want to give them as much notice as possible to make their decisions.

If you haven't done so yet, talk to someone in real life. Friends, family, CAB, whomever. Just describe the situation out loud and notice how you feel. Do you want more of this? Because unfortunately this is what he's offering. It's not about you or how he feels about you, this is what life with him means, do you want it?

Robin2323 · 05/01/2019 10:48

This was a similar reason I split with ex / over 30 years ago.
As far as I know he's not changed.
Looking back it could have worked but I would always have had to 'control' the money. That's not really fair on either of us.
I'm sure he's happy doing it his way. But I could not live with the insecurities of the money situation.
I think though I don't know for sure he even took money out my account (cash machine ) the odd 10 went missing at times I was either at work or in bed asleep. Bank couldn't explain it. (I closed my account)
I just couldn't trust him with money and that doesn't bode well in a relationship.
For me it was a desk breaker.
My dh is very good with money.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 05/01/2019 10:57

Marrying him will be the worst mistake of your life. When married he is legally entitled to half of whatever you earn to fritter it away. This man will bleed you dry, op. Have you told your parents about this? If you were my daughter there is no way on earth I would want you to be shackled to someone this financially incontenent, and by lying to your face he obviously thinks you are dumb as fuck to believe him.
Another one here begging you to cancel and dump this loser.Flowers

Returning2thesceneofthecrime · 05/01/2019 11:03

If you have to ask, I think the answer is yes.

He is already lying to you about money. What else will he lie about further down the line?

Check your wedding insurance and if you are not covered, go with your friends and have a fabulous party anyway. Friends will understand and support you.

CottonTailRabbit · 05/01/2019 11:14

As a relative, spending a load of money on a wedding destination holiday always sticks in the throat. I've done it a couple of times. I had a great time and it was lovely to see the happy couple starting their marriage, what is mine is yours etc. I'd rather they cancelled and I got a partial refund than go to a wedding that shouldn't be happening. I like spending my money on things that I want.

The weddings meant I had to cut back on the things I actually wanted that year. No holiday of our choosing one year and anyway at that stage we would never have spent as much money on a holiday. No way, if it were our choice. Nevertheless we sucked it up because big deal etc. And it was lovely.

Second time money was tight but we could just about afford it. Nobody knew money was tight we just quietly tightened our belts for a couple of years. Paying out for the big wedding desitination was eye watering but we managed it by cutting back elsewhere and I went back to work after maternity sooner. Again wedding was lovely and we had a nice time.

One marriage lasted the other didn't. The one that ended in divorce, the wife told me "I knew in my guts that it was wrong before the marriage but we couldn't cancel at that point, it had gone too far." I was angry (didn't show it though).

I struggled for that money. They had no idea we were struggling, why would they? Years later I still feel resentment that she let me pay a shitload of money to avoid her embarrassment. I wish she had cancelled the wedding. The subsequent divorce after a couple of children was grim, after a big expensive wedding she felt she couldn't divorce for years. Don't be her. They'll resent you more later than now if you cancel.

Clove86 · 05/01/2019 11:21

Thank you so much to everyone for the advice/support. I guess you are all echoing what I already know in my gut. And if I was reading this I would definitely give the same advice. I know what I have to do, but it still is heartbreaking. I had made so many plans for the wedding, I have my dream dress and everything. I know that it’s only one day and the future is more important, but it’s still hard to take.

We also were trying to conceive, and had plans to move to another area and buy our dream home, so it feels like not only have I lost him, I’ve lost the entire life we planned. It’s not easy.

For those asking if he has a gambling addiction, believe me it’s something I’ve considered in the past. But he doesn’t. Over Christmas and new year he just started flashing his cash around like he was rich. He took us out for expensive meals, and bought a lot of gifts. He has a daughter so he also spent a lot on her. I did say once or twice that I hope he has saved enough to pay the bills and everything and he told me everything was fine. I think his issue is he lives well above his means!

He took me away for my birthday one year, which was amazing, and then when we got home I found out he’d used the money for the bills for the trip! I was furious.

OP posts:
pleasegotowork · 05/01/2019 11:22

My DH was like this before we married, utterly useless with money and would lie when he got into financial difficulty. I knew this about him but as we lived separately and had separate finances it annoyed me but wasn't a deal breaker. Once we decided to get married, I took over all finances. That was in the terms and conditions for me - I want going to let him drag me down financI ally. At the time DH was paid by cheque so he gave me his cheque which I lodged in a joint account. All direct debits for bills, mortgage etc came from this account. I then gave him spending money (yes, like a child getting pocket money! ) We never looked back. He loved it as he knew exactly where he stood with money for the first time ever. He'd happily ask me for his pocket money in front of people, much to my embarrasment.
We're married 21 years and (almost) never argue about money. He's learned to control himself with money and I'm not longer the accountant in the relationship.

If this is genuinely your only hesitation, then if he will agree to let you manage the family finances I would go ahead.

RandomMess · 05/01/2019 11:25

It is really sad for you to end the relationship and give up the dream of house and DC you had envisaged but you would end up in a financially abusive marriage with you having zero money trying to keep a roof over your head whilst he shows off flashing the cash doing what he wants.

Cancel the wedding urgently so guests can decide what they do about their travel plans.

ThanksThanksThanksThanksThanks

pleasegotowork · 05/01/2019 11:25

And he needs to let you take over right now, not after you're married. He has to show willing. Once we got engaged - a year before we married - I took over.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/01/2019 11:57

What RandomMess wrote. Your gut is telling you what is necessary for you to do here i.e. end this relationship. Listen to it. I think you have been in a relationship with a financially abusive person who is also a consummate liar.

Dowser · 05/01/2019 12:23

One word

Yes.

Dowser · 05/01/2019 12:30

My exh was useless with money.
All bills got paid but hewas very kind and generous to a fault
He earned good money, yet he always had credit card debt which was ridiculous to me.

If he hadnt earned enough I dread to think what situation we would have been in

He controlled the family finances , I had my own money, dos not an issue...but your fiancé welshing on the deal is not good.

GreenTulips · 05/01/2019 12:43

I was going to ask how you’d feel if he did this whilst you are on maternity leave? You’d have nothing to pay the bills with. You’d rack up debts every day and end up homeless.

You can not marry this man

Does he pay child maintenance every month without fail? Probably not!!

Get rid and quick - you’d be a lot better off without covering hsi arse because at the moment he knows you’ll cover the bills.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 05/01/2019 12:53

Do not marry him. Whatever is a problem now, will be more so in years to come (and I'd typed "tears" instead of "years" by accident).

Do NOT marry him. Your friends and family being inconvenienced is nothing in comparison to the heartaches, worry and pain this pathetic, lying man will cause you.

The sooner you call it off, the sooner your friends and family can sort out their matters and you yours.

Do not marry this man.

EarringsandLipstick · 05/01/2019 12:59

Oh OP 💔

This: He took me away for my birthday one year, which was amazing, and then when we got home I found out he’d used the money for the bills for the trip! I was furious.

I’ve been here. As well as taking money needed for bills, he’s taking your trust, your respect & destroying what should have been happy memories (your time away).

This will grind you down. This will go from being problematic (you having to cover / manage his debts & leaving yourself short) to catastrophic (when you have children & he continues to spend & you literally haven’t enough money for food / bills / clothes)

This was me despite on paper us both having full-time reasonably well paid jobs. We had 3 children together & by the end I used to be sobbing in the work toilets worried I wouldn’t have enough money for food. It was horrendous.

There was no gambling or any other addiction. Like your DP, he couldn’t fathom money & was so abusive around that he was happy to leave me & kids in this situation.

Oh, and yes! I set up joint account and all our money was pooled. Awful decision. I did it to try & manage the money better as there just wasn’t enough for us to have separate money for ourselves. But it meant he had even MORE access to MORE money & just spent more, more quickly.

If I had my time over I’d do so much differently. I wouldn’t have married him (though of course that does seem unimaginable as we have 3 children & couldn’t imagine life without them) but I would have stopped bailing him out & throwing good money after bad. But I was committed to my marriage couldn’t talk to anyone about it.

5 years since he left (made him leave) but I can’t see myself ever being right again, financially or emotionally

I don’t underestimate how hard it is to see your planned future disappear. I wish I had more courage when I was in your situation.
Sending you good thoughts x

Hidingtonothing · 05/01/2019 13:38

My DB is married to a woman exactly like your DP, she's completely irresponsible with money and very much trying to live a lifestyle they cannot afford. Ten years down the line he has aged more like 30 with the stress of trying to keep their heads above water while she routinely blows the money meant for bills leaving him to pick up the pieces. Don't be him OP, get out while you can Flowers

bethy15 · 05/01/2019 14:24

We also were trying to conceive, and had plans to move to another area and buy our dream home, so it feels like not only have I lost him, I’ve lost the entire life we planned. It’s not easy.

Can I ask how you were going to afford a child and a dream home when he cannot even afford half of the bills now? It seems like a dream world.

For those asking if he has a gambling addiction, believe me it’s something I’ve considered in the past. But he doesn’t. Over Christmas and new year he just started flashing his cash around like he was rich. He took us out for expensive meals, and bought a lot of gifts. He has a daughter so he also spent a lot on her. I did say once or twice that I hope he has saved enough to pay the bills and everything and he told me everything was fine. I think his issue is he lives well above his means!

My uncle had a huge gambling addiction, and this is exactly how he lived too,everyone thought he was rich and he pretended to a lot of women he had a lot of money and a good job, but he was unemployed and gambling and conning money here and there.
He convinced a lot of people he was something he wasn't.

Swipe left for the next trending thread