Open relationships

[Tofts]

My husband and I don't want to separate but I dont want sex anymore and he does. We are in our 50's, have late age teens and both have busy jobs. We've been married 25yrs and still enjoy each other's company although I care for him more than love him. I'm trying to get my head around an open relationship. I realise that there is the chance he could end up having feelings for someone else but Id be willing to take that chance. Anyone on here been through this and whats the outcome?

Oh god, just don't. He WILL fall for someone else. If would be new and exciting and he will love it. You will play second fiddle. Do not do that to yourself!!

OP - first off - it’s great that you didn’t bury your head in the sand and hoped it’ll be Ok.
Many do that, and expect their partner to go without sex and are then surprised when things happen...

Second, no one’s experience can predict what your journey would be.
Open marriages work for some people.
And, of course - there are risks....

One thing i’d say - to avoid him developing feelings in his ‘other’ relationship - is to avoid single women looking for relationships.
It’s better if he finds the polyamory community and finds his playmate there.

Good luck

Thanks. I'm still tired and depressed, not only about the situation. He is happier in himself, more than hes been in a long time. But now he's talking about the future, sorting things in the house, holidays etc. He's never done that for years. Maybe it's the thought of having no money and the thought of us splitting up would do to the kids which is making it difficult to leave. I dont hate him but the thought of him kissing me after being with someone else makes me feel very uncomfortable.

Even if you don't want sex now I wouldn't rule out wanting it in future if an attractive alternative to your husband comes into view. So don't open the marriage on one side only.

Is he chirpy because you've already agreed to this but you're unsure?

OP if your husband was on here he would be told that lack of sex is a perfectly good reason to divorce. So if you don't want to go down the open relationship route, and that's fair enough, then that may be the alternative.

Doing nothing isnt an option.

I agree with Chiara

I find it hard to understand why you do not want sex anymore?

Is it that you do not want sex at all or you do not want sex with your husband? I know that sex can be tiring at times, men asking for it, becoming routine, no adventure anymore, these are all reasons for not wanting sex.

I would never dare bring another person into your marriage. Your marriage is not just about sex as sex is only one factor of it and just think what you kids will think if they ever find out. If your not open to sex, then try to build up to it with fore play, weekends away that may lead to sex. I would suggest counselling maybe and maybe someone who specialises in couples going off sex.

Try to work this out with your husband as sex should always be fun and enjoyable for everyone. You are still a young women, you have many years ahead and you should discover why you have went off sex at least (if you don't already know).

Just please don't suggest to your husband to sleep with someone else.

OP - you can’t have it all your way. So, if you decide to stay and try open relationship - i’d make sure that your ‘rules’ are for anything that he gets up to to not be discussed at home. He’ll need to be discrete and not rub it in your face.
And it won’t be easy, at least initially.

But people are resilient. And if you go that way - you might discover that you might actually be relieved that the sexual tension on his side isn’t directed at you and relationship might improve.

Of course - you don’t NEED to go that way. You can separate. Now, or when kids leave home.

Unfortunately it's too late as he already has. Although he only met her three times as she lives abroad, they kept a relationship going for over a year over the internet. He hasnt told me any of this his but I found out. Please dont ask how. She dumped him cause he wouldn't leave us, he just wanted sex and fun. And he is meeting someone else very soon

Probably.

I've been on antidepressants for a few years and am now n HRT. I wasn't always like this, he used to have say no to me sometimes!

Errmmm, so your husband cheated on you ?

So actually, he has been having an affair, not an open marriage? V v sorry op.
My ex did this, I kept up the pretence a few years, v v bad for my mental health, then we went 'dont ask dont tell' on both sides, I had an affair, he couldnt hack it, we split up.
In other words, I am not convinced this type of 'open marriage' works. Sorry x

I thought everyone joined a gym in January. Now it's seems everyone goes "open", "poly", "cool".

Of sorts I suppose.

Oh OP that's not an open marriage, that's cheating.

That's not an open relationship.
An open relationship is one where you are both emotionally committed to only each other but you are open to casual dating/sex with other people. What he had was an affair with someone who wanted a relationship with him.

Well, once or twice in very heated arguments when he said he couldn't carry on not having sex for the rest of his life, I told him to find someone else to have sex with. He called my bluff. I never thought he would. Seemingly he's had a few liaisons with other women too.

Oh my, he's treating you like a mug!

@NotANotMan

No, that's your definition of an open relationship

You don't get to tell op "kink, you're doing wrong"

I'm sorry OP

OP - you posted about this before, didn’t you???
And you had similar comments.

You decided to stop having sex with your H. You also TOLD him to have it with other people. And he did.

So, really - either leave or try to make peace with it. Don’t look for evidence. Don’t ask him questions. Re-focus on something else.

This isn't cheating. He was given the go ahead.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3461553-Husband-and-potential-affair

Yes I did. But I'm in a huge hole that I dont know how to get out of or what to do. If I want already on meds I would have combusted. I am dying inside. I know I am the only one who can make any decisions but I can't speak to any of my family or friends about this.