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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Open relationships

87 replies

Tofts · 03/01/2019 20:09

My husband and I don't want to separate but I dont want sex anymore and he does. We are in our 50's, have late age teens and both have busy jobs. We've been married 25yrs and still enjoy each other's company although I care for him more than love him. I'm trying to get my head around an open relationship. I realise that there is the chance he could end up having feelings for someone else but Id be willing to take that chance. Anyone on here been through this and whats the outcome?

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 03/01/2019 22:37

So talk to him and tell him you were wrong and you cant handle this right now.

I know it's hard. I had to do this. But it's not as hard as eating your own heart every weekend when your love object is with her/him.

ISdads · 03/01/2019 22:40

Oh, you gave him permission earlier??

Op, have you tried having sex with someone else? You might find your libido comes rushing back ....

(Note how my story ended, but hey, I had amazing best ever sex Grin )

IAmALionessHearMeRoar · 03/01/2019 22:44

OP, he has cheated. Your go-ahead wasn't genuine and he had already slept around beforehand.

He doesn't help at home, you are ground down with everything and your mental health has suffered. He is having his cake and eating it. What are you getting out of the relationship? How much happier would you be if he wasn't there?

RoseOfSharyn · 03/01/2019 22:46

Having your cake and eating it comes to mind.
And I don't mean on your Hs side.

It sounds to me like you don't want him but you don't want anyone else to have him either.

You told him to get it elsewhere, he did, and seems like he did it fairly discreetly. The poor bloke can't do right for doing wrong.

RoseOfSharyn · 03/01/2019 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - duplicate post.

Chaoticpenguin · 03/01/2019 22:48

You may have said go find someone else etc... but in a marriage it’s not what you bloody do!!!! Sorry they are words and if the other person really cared they would want to know why you said that as there’s a problem. To think that he had the green light and that it’s ok and that you said he could is bull!
He cheated! There should be more in depth conversations and an open relationship means that you are also open with one another. No sneaking around and secrets etc. There must be communication to make sure both parties are consenting and aware of things. He’s shocking and is not respecting you one bit OP
Xx

Begrateful · 03/01/2019 22:54

It's unreasonable to expect him to spend the rest of his life without sex because you have no interest. Have you tried to get medical help or negotiated to meet in the middle? Many people have open relationships that brought the spark back to what was a slowly fading marriage but you seem uncomfortable about venturing that route.

Anyway, why not divorce him so he can live the rest of his life as he desires and you don't need to worry about being approached for sex.

MMmomDD · 03/01/2019 22:56

OP - where your H gets sex is the least of your problems, really.

You aren’t happy with him. I think, you said before in other posts - that you don’t even love him anymore. You are together more because of habit and circumstances.
And you are depressed.

Are you getting counselling??? You really should focus on yourself and getting better. Then, you can re-visit your marriage and decide what you want.

Graphista · 03/01/2019 22:57

"I dont hate him but the thought of him kissing me after being with someone else makes me feel very uncomfortable" then you wouldn't cope with an open relationship.

You say you're tired and depressed - could this be what's dampening your libido? Have you been to the dr? Could you be menopausal? Ok you say you have and are on medication - has this been reviewed recently? They can stop working or you may need a higher dose.

Wow! So actually he's been cheating! (No wonder you're bloody depressed!)

That's NOT an open marriage. I have friends in successful open marriages they would NEVER do this!

Ffs so you did give him permission and are now regretting it?

What happened first the permission or him sleeping with someone else?

You say you can't talk to friends or family about this (how sad you feel that way), what about relationship counselling?

You can't have it all ways and you can't keep changing your mind on your expectations of him that's just going to cause trouble!

You need to get your head on straight and decide what you want BUT I agree that can't include expecting him to stay in a sexless marriage at a relatively young age.

Lozzerbmc · 03/01/2019 23:23

I think he has cheated as even though you said go ahead, it wasnt really a green light to him! You need a full and frank discussion about where you go now. Do you want to work on having a sexual relationship with him? If you agree to the open relationship you could make the rule that its never same person twice. I’m in a similar situation my DP and i havent had sex in years (stress, life, weight gain both sides, early menopause) but trying to address it otherwise we’ll break up. He suggested an open relationship but thats not for me

Original poster
Tofts · 03/01/2019 23:31

It may have been after the 'permission'. I cant remember when I first said it but he initially met the other women whom he had the 'relationship' with when he was away on business not long after we came home. I think this was the backlash to a fight about sex we had on a weekend away. I know its not fair of me to expect him to not want sex cause I dont, and I don't. We do need to talk about this urgently. Problem is he booked a weekend away for us in two weeks time, before I found all this out and selfishly I really need time away and I dont want it spoilt. It maybe easier to talk when the kids arent around and there are no distractions. Yes I'm having my cake and eat it but it could be my last breal for a long long time if things go tits up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tofts · 03/01/2019 23:36

We havent talked about it at all. Hes never mentioned an open relationship. I'm just trying to look at all options. I do need help,

OP posts:
ISdads · 03/01/2019 23:37

Are you just worried he might leave, or jealous?

Original poster
Tofts · 03/01/2019 23:50

I'm not jealous. Hurting that my marriage is probably over.

OP posts:
Josuk · 04/01/2019 00:37

OP - if you are not jealous - why do you care that he has a physical relationship with someone?. The kind not available at home.

You said it yourself - he doesn’t want to leave. And he’s been happier now that he has some outlet for his physical frustration.

You Marriage doesn’t need to be over.

Josuk · 04/01/2019 00:42

@Lozzerbmc

If you go the open relationship route - that rule of never meeting someone more then twice - is really not workable and more risky.
You can’t make him be on the constant look out for a playmate. And - I don’t think you want him to sleep with random Tinder people - healthwise it’s just riskier....

I’d say - maybe rather suggest that he finds his playmates at swingers sites, or in polyamory groups. This way his physical partners will be attached to their primary partners and hence of s threat to you

Lozzerbmc · 04/01/2019 01:29

@Josuk
That makes sense😒

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 01:33

This isn't an open relationship. It's you turning a blind eye while your DH cheats in return for financial security from a man you don't love. It's really sad for both of you to be honest.

Leatherandsilk · 04/01/2019 01:38

Erm that’s not an open relationship, he’s just a cheat??

And you not wanting sex may just be with him!

I can see absolutely no reason for you not to just split up tbh. Can you imagine living like this in 20yrs time?

Leatherandsilk · 04/01/2019 01:41

Josuk I think that’s BAD advice. If OP actually wanted to be part of polyamory fine. But she’s clearly been cheated on, is worn down and no longer in love with her husband, feels awful at the idea of him kissing her after shagging someone else.

That isn’t a consensual open relationship to me, it’s a woman who is desperately sad and would probably be very interested in sex if she split up and found herself again.

Hopoindown31 · 04/01/2019 05:03

I think you should be much more careful about what you say tbh. People saying he is a cheat because you didn't really "mean" it - well, don't say it then. If you didn't really mean to open up your relationship it was a very hurtful and PA thing to say and you are reaping your "reward". It seems like you haven't really taken this as seriously as you needed to.

I think you need to do some serious thinking about this man and what kind of relationship you want with him before having a serious talk. Obviously you need to realise that a sexless monogamous marriage is not something he will accept so no point in carrying on if that is all you can offer him.

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 06:04

He didn't cheat. The op told gave him permission.

Op your marriage is over. You can choose to live together or whatever. But the marriage as it was is done. You need to accept that.

Floydian · 04/01/2019 07:25

Agree entirely with Notacluethisxmas

LellyMcKelly · 04/01/2019 07:37

What do you want, OP? If you want things to go back to the way they were - you happy with the status quo, him unhappy with the lack of sex - then that’s not going to happen. You’ve given him permission to have sex outside the marriage (not that he needed permission by the sounds of things) so, given where you are, what would be the best realistic outcome for you? I lived in a sexless marriage for 6 years, so I know how soul destroying it can feel to be made to feel unattractive and unloved. Have you thought about separating?

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 07:38

I don't think she did give permission. Starting an open relationship should be based on discussion, agreement, mutual respect, boundary setting and mutual agreement. Not just someone screaming "why don't you go and screw someone else then?" in an argument.

I bet all the people saying "well you told him he could" would be appalled if their dp took as gospel everything they said in the heat of a row. Especially something as big as this.