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Original poster

Open relationships

87 replies

Tofts · 03/01/2019 20:09

My husband and I don't want to separate but I dont want sex anymore and he does. We are in our 50's, have late age teens and both have busy jobs. We've been married 25yrs and still enjoy each other's company although I care for him more than love him. I'm trying to get my head around an open relationship. I realise that there is the chance he could end up having feelings for someone else but Id be willing to take that chance. Anyone on here been through this and whats the outcome?

OP posts:
importantkath · 04/01/2019 07:42

I think you need to have a big long thing about what it is you want, not what you think you want. And be true to that.

Your DH has the right to want something else though.

SantaBabycharly · 04/01/2019 07:45

Why do you not want sex ?
Can that be sorted?

Hopoindown31 · 04/01/2019 07:59

*I don't think she did give permission. Starting an open relationship should be based on discussion, agreement, mutual respect, boundary setting and mutual agreement. Not just someone screaming "why don't you go and screw someone else then?" in an argument.

I bet all the people saying "well you told him he could" would be appalled if their dp took as gospel everything they said in the heat of a row. Especially something as big as this.*

After years of sexlessness and having the same argument over and over with no effort to change by the other person I would have left tbh.

I suffered with low libido myself, sought help for the underlying issues and put effort in because I love my partner.

SantaBabycharly · 04/01/2019 08:03

You need to get yourself back to doctors.... get HRT sorted out .
You say sex is sore in your other thread .can you use aids ?
Can you use them together?
Can you both be intimate without PIV .?

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 08:09

No I actually I do t scream stuff I don't mean at my partner in an argument. Because, you know, I am a grown up.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 08:44

This man is not to blame. If I was him, I'd have done the same after years of no sex and my DH telling me to get it elsewhere.

You wanted him to stop pestering you for sex.

You said it and now you regret it...that's what it boils down to.

If you hadn't discovered this...you'd be happy for no sex for another 5 years ... if not forever.

He wasn't interested in leaving the family for the last OW... he may do for another.

It's totally unrealistic to expect him to be forced into celibacy at his age.

I'll be honest.. I don't always feel in the mood... I do get into it once we get going....but I know refusals wouldn't bode well for the relationship.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 08:51

OP ... Do you think you'd be interested in sex with someone else?

Is it the way you DH approaches you that doesn't entice you?

Was he an attentive lover? These things can have an impact on your desire.

HidingFromDD · 04/01/2019 09:23

I'm your H in this situation, although didn't pester for sex, but did tell him if he wasn't interested in a sexual relationship then I would look elsewhere (note, this was after 5 years of no sex, and only had sex twice in the previous 2 years). He said go on then.

With hindsight, he had spent so long not considering me as a person at all, just as a role fulfilled within the family, that I think he really believed that no one else would find me attractive either.

They did, and I didn't (and still don't) consider I cheated on him at all. BUT, I realised, after the initial euphoria of being with someone who actually saw me as a person, that this type of relationship also wasn't what I wanted so I left. Not for the other person, that ended also, but because I'm not naturally deceitful and I was having to lie to my children about where I'd been and who I'd been with.

Tbh, I would use this weekend to openly discuss how you can both move this marriage forward, either together or apart, and be honest about how you want your life to be. You both have a right to feel valued and loved, and it doesn't sound like there's much of that around at the moment

Original poster
Tofts · 04/01/2019 09:30

Well lucky you!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tofts · 04/01/2019 09:43

That's how I feel. The person who does everything in the house and get no help unless after asking and asking I have a melt down. We used to cuddle and kiss but that has stopped, not even at midnight at New Year and I now cant bring myself to touch him. He's has always been too 'busy and important' to help. He is CEO of our business, I don't work full time for the company but am trying to build my own company up too whilst being a skivvy in the house. Its a total mess and I just get taken for granted by everyone and feel totally unloved. No wonder if your not giving him sex, I can hear the haters say.

OP posts:
Newyearbollocks · 04/01/2019 09:51

That's how I feel. The person who does everything in the house and get no help unless after asking and asking I have a melt down. We used to cuddle and kiss but that has stopped, not even at midnight at New Year and I now cant bring myself to touch him. He's has always been too 'busy and important' to help. He is CEO of our business, I don't work full time for the company but am trying to build my own company up too whilst being a skivvy in the house. Its a total mess and I just get taken for granted by everyone and feel totally unloved. No wonder if your not giving him sex, I can hear the haters say.

Actually it sounds like the H is very much to blame and is an inconsiderate arse.
I'd leave. Get yourself sorted and find someone who appreciates you.

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 10:00

No not at all.

The thing is, it difficult to see what come first in these situations. For some people no sex means affection and intimacy is impacted. For others sex is impacted when there no affection and intimacy.

It's a bit chicken and egg.

I bet if you talked both would feel that the other caused the lack of affection and intimacy.

SantaBabycharly · 04/01/2019 10:01

@Tofts
I am a bit unsure here.
This recent post is different from one thread you had posted and is linked further up this thread.
It sounds like there are more issues than the sex.

MistressDeeCee · 04/01/2019 10:16

Well, once or twice in very heated arguments when he said he couldn't carry on not having sex for the rest of his life, I told him to find someone else to have sex with

Well - he's done that. & he did tell you he couldn't carry on not having sex for the rest of his life.

There's always a price to pay when you want the security of life with a man, but you don't want sexual intimacy.

You don't get to control your partner into being sexless too just because you've taken sex off the table.

If you don't like it then split up with him. If the home comforts matter more to you - and I suspect they do - then you'll have to put up with it won't you.

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 10:27

OP in you last thread, there was loads of affactio and closeness. It was just sex that was the issue.

Now there are all sorts of issues. I think you need to work out, exactly what it that you feel.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 10:51

No I actually I do t scream stuff I don't mean at my partner in an argument. Because, you know, I am a grown up

Well, bully for you! Aren't you the big clever one! But I bet you can't say, hand on heart, that you've never said something in the heat of an argument that you don't really mean. You've never had to apologise after an argument for something you've said?

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 11:23

Apologise? Of course I have.

I have never had to apologise because I said something I didn't mean.

Doesn't mean I am big and clever. I have just haven't been a person to scream or say things that I don't mean out of anger.

As a kid or a teen, yes I would have blown stuff up and being horrible in an argument.

But Those things destroy relationships and people. Even after an argument, even if apologies have been made those horrible things play on people's minds. So no, I don't do it.

Sorry if that makes you feel bad about yourself, because you do it . But I don't.

I don't know, personally, any adults who do. If I say something in an argument, I mean it.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 11:29

Nice bit of projecting there Not but I'm sorry I don't have screaming matches either. In fact I can't remember the last time I had an argument with anyone. But I know most people do say things they don't mean. Or have done. The OP and her DH being two of them. And I'm sure you'll agree from even your lofty perch, that things said during a heated discussion are not the basis for rewriting the marriage contract in such a major way without some lengthy, cool headed discussion afterwards.

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 11:31

Hhahhaaa yeah of course. I make the effort to not hurt people who disagree with me, so I must think I am better than you.

You clearly cab only disagree with someone by having personal digs. It's clearly your style. But it's not mine. I don't need to try and make you feel shit, to make my point.

MMmomDD · 04/01/2019 11:41

OP - this is so confusing. In some posts you say - there is love & affection; you are friends; but you went off sex....
And then you say how unloved you feel, and how bad the relationship is.

I understand that you are depressed, as that maybe the main issue.
I also suspect that you aren’t off sex, and more likely to be off sex with Him.

I really think you need to focus on yourself, feeling better and fuguring out what YOU need in this life. Your kids will soon finish their schooling and leave. You both work, so won’t be destitute.
Living like you do now isn’t worth it. Life is too short.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 11:45

I'm not even talking about what you and me do. I'm talking about the OP.

I asked you if you'd ever said something you didn't mean during a row. Even though you admitted you had when you were younger you are still all wide eyed with amazement that the OP has done the same. And you were the one who said I must "feel bad about myself" so I'm not quite sure why I'm trying to make you feel shit but there you go!

I'm talking about the row(s) that the OP and her DH have had. Surely you realise that the thread is about that. Not you and your adult arguing style. It's far too late to come on a thread and say "I never argue like that so this is all your fault that you do". That can of worms is open now. The OP has to deal, in the cold light of day, with things that both her and her DH have said in the heat of the moment but which are now causing her enormous pain.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 11:46

And I tell a lie, DP and I had a 20 second snit at each other this morning about who would get to park in the reserved space and who would have to find a space on the street today. I didn't say anything I didn't mean but I did resort to some sarcasm

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 12:13

BitOutOfPractice I was told I must have shouted stuff I don't mean in an argument.i answered. You took exception to my answer.

I was talking about the op until you took exception about how I conduct myself as an adult. You clearly do feel bad because you have taken such offence to me not doing something the op does.

OP was quite happy for him to look elsewhere, u til she realised that actually, there were women who wanted to have sex with him.

Read her other thread. Totally different vibe about their marriage on there.

The op is jealous. Simple. But she doesn't want to try and fix it either. She told him, more than once to go find someone else. He did. Let's be honest what's the alternative. He pledges celibacy? Op has sex when she doesn't want to?

Op played a game and it's back fired. It's just be very upsetting for her. But this is what happens.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/01/2019 12:18

I haven't taken exception to how you conduct yourself. You sound similar to me. I did take exception to your holier-than-though tone about something the OP can't even change now. Maybe that's not hw you meant it. But it's how you came across to me (and others)

I only read the thread in front of me (I'm supposed to be working Blush) and I haven't got the time or inclination if i'm honest to go and do it now.

Anyway, I've enjoyed our "row" Wink and think neither of us came out smelling of roses. Though you might be interested to know that I have the reserved parking spot today!

Cambionome · 04/01/2019 13:06

Completely agree with your posts BitOutofPractise.

Op, I feel for you here. It's very hard to feel like sex if your partner gives you little support in your day to day life, but I don't think you've gone about things in the best way. It might be worth sitting down and calmly trying to work out your alternatives; would you actually be happier if you separated? Could you manage? Do you just hate the idea because of (understandable) fear of the unknown?

Try not to panic, and give yourself time to think about what you really want.