Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I left my DP now we want to start again but he was very busy while I was gone

91 replies

LongLegHair · 03/01/2019 18:06

I left my ex in November after 4 years- we'd got stuck in a rut, were making each other miserable and didn't communicate well. I stayed at my parents but we kept in touch. Things were very nasty at first but we mellowed and calmed and eventually met up a few days ago. The love was very much still there, we communicated in a way we never have before and both want to try again.

However, I have found out through snooping (condoms in bin etc.) and pressing him that he had quite a lot of dates, sex and even a woman stay around the house for a few days. He says he was certain I wasn't coming back (very fair assumption, I had started buying a house), was very upset and just needed to do something. I honestly completely understand this- I hurt him, he was single, Tinder is so easy etc. He presumed id left for someone else or was moving on (there has never been anyone else on the scene for me but i don't expect him to believe that. And I had left him. He owed me nothing. He did nothing wrong.

But I don't know if I can come back now. He's had dates, hotel meet ups etc, but it's the having her in the house. For days. He even let her bring her dog. I've wandered around and keep seeing things- empty champagne bottle, fag ends (he doesn't smoke), her choices on the sky box etc. And the thoughts- them in what was our bed, her on my sofa, cooking in the kitchen etc. It's killing me.

I know why he did it, I don't blame him, he isn't in the wrong and I 100% believe him when he says he's desperate to put that in the past and recommit. He only wanted me and I walked out. He did what he could to feel better, it was all safe and consensual.

I believe we could be so happy- we used to be and are both in love. I have no right to feel wronged but I'm gutted. What should I do?

OP posts:
Beenherebefore · 03/01/2019 18:08

Then don't rush it. Take your time. make him date you, take it very slowly and see how you feel.
But don't move straight back in till you are truly ready.

Fonduefrolics · 03/01/2019 18:12

Didn’t he tidy up? Was this very recent?

He was a free agent but still it seems a bit disrespectful to be leaving the evidence lying around.

Has this woman been dropped like a hot stone now you’re back? The casualness of it all would worry me.

mountainlakes · 03/01/2019 18:14

I don't understand what you think has changed. The problems that you had will still be there as you have not had honest communication while you were apart. You didn't know he was shagging around, you were buying a house because it was over, but apparently it wasn't...

NameChangeNugget · 03/01/2019 18:14

Like you said, he’s done nothing wrong here at all.

Just take it very gradually and see how you feel

AnyFucker · 03/01/2019 18:17

You are still cleaning up the detritus of his shagging other women ?

Did you always do all the shitwork ? Tell him to fuck off just for that.

LatentPhase · 03/01/2019 18:17

Does he not empty his bins or tidy his house? Confused

If this stuff is still lying about then maybe it’s a bit premature to be resuming where you left off?

PinkHeart5914 · 03/01/2019 18:17

You left so I don’t really see the problem with him shagging whoever to be honest. YOU left and started buying a house I would of assumed you were done for good too and most of us have sexual needs.

Think carefully before going to back to an ex however as most times the problems in your relationship that ended things are still there. Maybe date again for a couple of months and see how you get on? I wouldn’t advise jumping straight back in

AnyFucker · 03/01/2019 18:19

Was one of the reasons you split up in the 1st place was that he was a lazy twat ?

CountessVonBoobs · 03/01/2019 18:21

I think you need to slow this wayyyyyy down. You still have all the problems that you had before, except now with extras because of your issues about him having had sex. You've got lack of trust on both sides.

You need to stay living apart and take it very slowly and carefully.

Aaaahfuck · 03/01/2019 18:23

He sounds messy too! Why are there still champagne bottles and fag s around?! Sorry I'm missing the point... I think you want to feel he was still so in love with you he couldn't look at anyone else. I'd probably want this too! Realistically though I think you can still love someone and have casual sex. Especially if you think they're not coming back.

Why don't you take things slowly and see how you feel about the relationship. You don't have to move back in straight away.

whatsthepointthen · 03/01/2019 18:23

I had this, I split up with my ex and we had a baby together, In the time we split up he met and moved a woman in he had only met once before! It was
too much in the end (we tried again) that it just didnt work out. Especially since me and him werent living together so I took it harder because of that. Bit disgusted he left condoms in the bin though for you to see?!

Aaaahfuck · 03/01/2019 18:24

@anyfucker lol! The lack of tidying up is worrying me more than it should!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 18:26

OP there is a difference between things being better and just missing what was comfortable for you. You said things got very nasty and you were buying a new home. That’s not a blip. That’s really big. You both were adamant it was over. You don’t get that sorted in a couple of days or weeks (I’m guessing his new woman was there in recent weeks/days if her cigarette butts are still there!) my advice, stay with your parents and keep talking to him. Take it slow.

PrincessScarlett · 03/01/2019 18:28

You sound quite impulsive OP. You only left your DP in November and you jumped straight into buying a house. You need to slow down a bit. This has all happened in the space of 5 weeks! No wonder he hasn't had a chance to empty bins/change bedding etc if you arrive back in his life 5 minutes after dumping him.

And you're right, DP has done nothing wrong as you weren't together and you dumped him. If you can't accept that you need to move on.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 18:29

I’ve just re read the OP- you only talked with him a few days ago. You have a lot more talking to do before you know if this relationship will work.

Also can’t believe he hasn’t cleaned up in that time.

LongLegHair · 03/01/2019 18:32

He didn't leave the stuff lying around, I hunted it out in the fucking recycling (dignity gone!) even though I had no right.

The first month of communication was just insults and logistics and he had said he was moving on. I didn't care, I expected it but I calmed down and missed him. He calmed down from the bruised ego and hurt (sure the women helped) and was finally honest and vulnerable with me and we reconnected.

The dating thing is what I would like but it's not sustainable because I'm buying shared ownership and he doesn't want to live in a small house with me or in the big house on his own. I should be there with him. But she's been there.

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 03/01/2019 18:32

The part that jumps out to me is this... there has never been anyone else on the scene for me but i don't expect him to believe that

Why wouldn’t you expect him to believe that? Does he not trust you? That screams ‘communication problems’ at me right there!

PolkaDoting · 03/01/2019 18:33

Buy your fucking house!!!

deadliftgirl · 03/01/2019 18:37

I think your both to have a fresh start, you need to take things slowly. Like someone else above said, go on dates, rent your own apartment, have him over there and eventually when your ready to move back in together then you guys need to find a new house to stay in as you cannot return to that home, with that furniture and that bed.

Littlechocola · 03/01/2019 18:39

I’m more shocked at the condoms in the bin and fag butts. I can be messy but even I can empty a bin.

Did he know you were going to the house? If so it’s quite disrespectful not to have removed trace of his recent adventures.

BlancheM · 03/01/2019 18:39

Don't bother. Seriously, don't bother.

PrincessScarlett · 03/01/2019 18:42

Littlechocola, he did remove the evidence from the bins. OP has said she went snooping through his recycling/bins.

To be honest, you both don't sound ready to be moving back in together. What's the rush? There's obviously problems for you to have left him in the first place. You both need to take a massive step back.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 18:42

He didn't leave the stuff lying around, I hunted it out in the fucking recycling

Bit different from

I've wandered around and keep seeing things- empty champagne bottle, fag ends

You wandered around the recycling bin?

LongLegHair · 03/01/2019 18:43

little Wheelie bin and I had to search. I'm ashamed but I just needed to know. He didn't volunteer the info until I'd seen proof but I totally understand why- he wanted me back, had never thought it would happen and needed to hide anything that might change my mind. And he didn't owe me. He was never unfaithful.

OP posts:
ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 18:44

I should be there with him.

That’s what he wants. It’s not non negotiable. You get to decide what works for you, not just cave to his demands.