Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I left my DP now we want to start again but he was very busy while I was gone

91 replies

LongLegHair · 03/01/2019 18:06

I left my ex in November after 4 years- we'd got stuck in a rut, were making each other miserable and didn't communicate well. I stayed at my parents but we kept in touch. Things were very nasty at first but we mellowed and calmed and eventually met up a few days ago. The love was very much still there, we communicated in a way we never have before and both want to try again.

However, I have found out through snooping (condoms in bin etc.) and pressing him that he had quite a lot of dates, sex and even a woman stay around the house for a few days. He says he was certain I wasn't coming back (very fair assumption, I had started buying a house), was very upset and just needed to do something. I honestly completely understand this- I hurt him, he was single, Tinder is so easy etc. He presumed id left for someone else or was moving on (there has never been anyone else on the scene for me but i don't expect him to believe that. And I had left him. He owed me nothing. He did nothing wrong.

But I don't know if I can come back now. He's had dates, hotel meet ups etc, but it's the having her in the house. For days. He even let her bring her dog. I've wandered around and keep seeing things- empty champagne bottle, fag ends (he doesn't smoke), her choices on the sky box etc. And the thoughts- them in what was our bed, her on my sofa, cooking in the kitchen etc. It's killing me.

I know why he did it, I don't blame him, he isn't in the wrong and I 100% believe him when he says he's desperate to put that in the past and recommit. He only wanted me and I walked out. He did what he could to feel better, it was all safe and consensual.

I believe we could be so happy- we used to be and are both in love. I have no right to feel wronged but I'm gutted. What should I do?

OP posts:
Original poster
LongLegHair · 03/01/2019 18:46

Ilovemax I saw new crockery, new cocktail things in the drawer, alcohol I know he isn't fond of so checked the recycling. I'm not proud. I'm ashamed but I compulsively had to know.

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 03/01/2019 18:46

Did you ask him before or after you went through the bins!!!
I would say date and look to buy or rent a new home together when you properly reconcile

MawkishTwaddle · 03/01/2019 18:50

Can anyone else hear Ross shouting ‘We were on a break!’?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 18:50

Oh there are so many red flags in this “relationship”

You are incredibly insecure, he doesn’t trust you, he hides the fact that he had a woman there, despite being single at the time, you’ve both jumped back into a relationship within days of talking.

OP buy your house, date him, if you decide after 6 months to move in together you can discuss where then.

ILoveMaxiBondi · 03/01/2019 18:51

Yes mawkish! Grin

Jsmith99 · 03/01/2019 18:52

He has done absolutely nothing wrong and his behaviour is completely reasonable and entirely understandable in the circumstances.

You looked for evidence of this woman’s presence until you found some, despite the fact that, having dumped him, it’s really none of your business.

If you want to get back together, you need to draw a line and move on.

CottonTailRabbit · 03/01/2019 18:52

He desperately wants to be back with you but not if it means living in a smaller house. That doesn't scream love of my life to me.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/01/2019 18:55

November is not that long ago... it seems he was quite quick to move on and from what I can gather, you asked him and he denied it?

boringlyboring · 03/01/2019 18:59

If you’re snooping when you’ve only just got back together, what’s the point? It’s not even to check whether he cheated, but to see what he did when he was single!

That’s not a life I’d want tbh, having my dp search through my rubbishShock

You know what the responses would be the other way round, don’t you?

Dextrodependant · 03/01/2019 18:59

I think the relationship is doomed, but your house and date him for awhile, see if you can get over it slowly.

Notacluethisxmas · 03/01/2019 19:00

Can believe people are trying to turn this round and blame the bloke.

Its ridiculous. It doesn't matter how quick he moved on. He was single, he could do what he wanted. He didn't have to admit or tell her anything. Nor did he have to have a bonfire and hide or all trace of this woman.

His sexual history is his business.

The op is the one going through his bins, cataloguing all his possession etc. And people are saying he doesn't trust her?

Op he was with women before you and when you dumped him he had someone else. It's not different. But honestly if I were your boyfriend and I found our you went through my stuff like this, you would be gone.

FangTasticBeast · 03/01/2019 19:02

You finished with him, told him you were buying a house on your own and then go snooping through his bin to find evidence of him having women there?

If you were my ex I’d be running for the hills here. Are you sure you actually want to be back with him?

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2019 19:05

Buy your own house OP, he grieved the loss of your relationship an entire 24 hours, wow Hmm

QueenieMum · 03/01/2019 19:10

@MawkishTwaddle, first thing I thought of as I read the OP and first thing I looked for in the responses!

QueenieMum · 03/01/2019 19:14

@LongLegHair - you were able to get past the initial nastiness and move on to communicate in a way you never had before, both of which you achieved while being apart. Yet you still felt the need to snoop and catch him out, and you were / are in the process of buying your own place. What makes this a potential relationship again rather than a friendship?

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 03/01/2019 19:16

This woman must have only just left then if the remnants of her stay were still in the recycling. Ours is collected weekly Smile.

Singlenotsingle · 03/01/2019 19:21

It would not be easy, maybe not even possible, to get back together after all this! I can guarantee that if you go back to him, it won't last more than a few weeks!

Christian77 · 03/01/2019 19:22

He sounds a bit shallow to me, and more than a bit grimy.
I would not want to set foot in that place, far less sleep in a bed that’s had all and sundry through it.
I think you can do far better for yourself than this......MOVE ON!!

NC4Now · 03/01/2019 19:24

So you left in November, after what presumably was a long, thought out breakdown of your relationship.
Then there was a month of insults.
Now there has been a conversation and you’re ready to go back? After a week?
I’d be wanting to see clear evidence things would be different. One conversation, or a week of conversations wouldn’t cut it for me.
Regardless of what he did with his time alone, you need to give this time.

Also, have you heard of hysterical bonding?

HeckyPeck · 03/01/2019 19:25

Buy your own house OP, he grieved the loss of your relationship an entire 24 hours, wow

Also he tried to hide the evidence and wasn’t going to tell you until you found it.

He happy to keep things from you. That’s not a good basis for a relationship OP.

Sunnydays78 · 03/01/2019 19:26

I think it would help you if you read Matthew Hussey book Get the Guy! I think it would help you think about your situation, it’s not about bagging yourself any guy but getting the guy you deserve. It would also help you think about is this guy the one you really want or are you just filling a void. I’d make him work for you, not in some ridiculous way but he needs to prove he wants you and you him equally. The fact you were sure you didn’t want him even when he told you he was moving on, now you want him? Are you just lonely?

Haworthia · 03/01/2019 19:30

Run, OP.

You’ll never be able to forget all this. It’ll tarnish everything, going forward.

Also, he’s a slob. A slob who couldn’t wait to start shagging other women as soon as you left.

Kennycalmit · 03/01/2019 19:32

He’s done nothing wrong! You finished with him and so he was free to do whatever he wanted

The only problem I see is the fact he still had stuff laying around. Other than that, the problem is with you.

purpleelk · 03/01/2019 19:35

I think the OP has probably left out the part of the typical “I’ve missed you sooooooo much” lovey dovey talks they’ve had as part of a reconciliation and is now angry because despite her dumping him, he moved on and dated while she didn’t.

So he worked through the breakup differently than you. Doesn’t mean he was dishonest and you needed to rummage through HIS house and his recycling.

HeckyPeck · 03/01/2019 19:39

Doesn’t mean he was dishonest

Of course it’s dishonest not to tell someone you’ve slept with someone else! All the time he’s pretending his missing her so much! It’s all moved quickly so presumably he hasn’t had a STD check (even if he had not all STDs would show up this quickly) and was going to happily pass that risk onto an unsuspecting OP.

He’s a dick.

Swipe left for the next trending thread